On the Death Star, the Empire's most advanced weapon, two Stormtroopers stared vacantly at the far wall. They stood on the edge of a massive pit – there was no railing. One shifted his blaster slightly.

"So," said one, "what do you think of the new boss?"

The other shrugged. "The guy in the cape with no indoor voice?"

"Yeah."

"Kinda the same as always."

"I guess." There was a pause. "You know he asked the guys to scrounge as much tech from the garbage crushers as possible?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Said he wants to make things. A shield generator or something."

"As long as he stays up on the top level, far from us, he can do what he wants."

The two guards lapsed into silence for a few more moments. They heard a noise behind them as a air-vent cover came loose and fell to the ground, followed by the thump of someone hitting the floor. The Stormtroopers turned around to see a lioness staring up at them.

"Um," she said. "Meow."

The Stormtroopers shared a look.

"The hell is that thing?" asked one.

"A... cat, I guess?"

"Well, yeah. But what's it doing in this highly secure space-station?"

"Hmm... maybe we should call this in. Hold on while I AUUUGH!" The Stormtrooper yelped as the lioness leapt on top of him, knocking him over. His companion panicked and fired erratically at the lioness, missing every shot and instead hitting his colleague.

"Oh no!" he yelled. "I'm so sorry!"

The lioness swatted his blaster out his hand. He went to pick it up, tripped over it, and tumbled into the massive pit to his doom.

Vitani shook her head confusedly. She climbed back into air-vent from where she'd came and returned to the sounds of a mini-gun and hapless Stormtroopers being electrocuted.

She exited the air-vent on to a corridor occupied by two bald men. One was a hulking mountain of a man, wearing a red shirt under a black vest and huge bandoleer of bullets. He was carrying a mini-gun which looked oversized, even for him. The barrel of the gun spun as it showered the end of the hallway with bullets, and he yelled mockingly in a thick Russian accent.

The other was even more unusual. He was of a more average height, wearing a yellow courier's jacket and a backpack strapped diagonally around his torso with one strap. What made him strange was the blue lightning which crackled around his outstretched hand, which he was firing at some incoming Stormtroopers.

This man noticed Vitani. "Hey," he said. His voice was gravelly, but cordial enough.

"Hi," replied Vitani, her voice raspy. "Apparently, Doom's on the top floor."

"Yeah?" replied Cole, casually zapping lightning into the heads of more Stormtroopers. "What are you basing that on?"

"Overhead some of these idiots talking about it. Eavesdropping is the first thing a spy learns."

"Spy!" shouted Heavy, the third man, reflexively, but he wasn't actually listening, being more focused on filling his enemies with a healthy sprinkling of bullets.

"You've been trained to be a spy?" asked Cole sceptically, throwing a electric grenade at some terrified Stormtroopers.

"Spy!"

"Yes…?" answered the lioness.

"I find that a little hard to believe."

"You find everything I say hard to believe," protested Vitani irritably.

"That's because lions don't talk!" Cole almost yelled about of frustration.

"Da," piped up Heavy. Satisfied he had dealt with anyone foolish enough to attack his hallway, he allowed his gun to slow down and he entered the conversation. "Da, cats do not talk," he said, "and little Americans do not shoot electricity from hands. I am guessing is stranger day for me than you."

"He's got a point there," agreed Vitani.

"I suppose," said Cole sullenly, exploding a few more Stormtroopers with a missile.

"So, are you following me or what?" asked Vitani.

"I am behind you!" said Heavy. "Cat is credit to team!"

Cole cast one final glance down the hallway he was shooting down. Like Heavy, it appeared he had staved off their attackers, for now at least.

"Sure, let's go," he said. "I do some of my best ass-kicking when I have no idea what's going on."


Deadpool sat in the conference room, spinning on a chair. He whistled happily to himself until a strong hand clamped down on his head, stopping his movement.

"Oh, hi She-Hulk," he said casually. "Listen, I've kind of lost count of the intricate web of hate that surrounds me. It's embarrassing to have to ask, but do you want currently want to kill me?"

She-Hulk gave the question consideration. "No," she answered eventually, "but keep spinning on that chair and a good kicking might be in order."

"Understood, Your Honour."

She-Hulk sat down opposite him. Soon, Iroh entered wearing a cast on his arm, and sat next to the head of the table. Dr McNinja followed shortly afterwards, and Ratchet came after him. McNinja sat across from Iroh, and Ratchet stood behind him. Finally, Sly entered. There was a large seat at the head of the table. Sly walked to it, but didn't sit down, deciding instead to lean against it.

"Alright, I think you know why we're here," he began. "This clearly isn't usual for any of us."

"Is for me," answered Deadpool.

"Yeah, I can confirm that," added She-Hulk.

"Pretty bog-standard so far, considering my usual adventures," said McNinja.

Ratchet threw his hands in the air. "This is like, the third time this has happened to me. At least."

Sly blinked.

"It's unusual for me, if that's any help," said Iroh meekly.

"Okay... let me try again. You all know why we're here. We have to discuss this… unusually usual thing."

"Well, what is there to discuss?" asked She-Hulk. "We're here. We don't know why."

"There are bad guys," pointed out McNinja.

"There are bad guys. And… that's it."

"Well, here's how I see it," said Sly. "There were three of us. Then, three more. So there's probably going to be three more again."

"Your logic is bullet-proof," said Deadpool.

"So, maybe we should try to organize ourselves a bit," Sly continued. "If there's going to be more heroes, there's going to be more villains."

"Not our villain," said Ratchet proudly. "No-one could have survived that."

Dr McNinja banged his head onto the table. "Stop saying that!"

"What exactly do you suggest?" asked Iroh. "Judging from our group so far, strict organization would be... difficult."

"I'm not asking for things to be strict," answered Sly, "but I'd like to have a team where people have roles. Dr McNinja, for example, would be the medic."

"That much we've established," said the doctor, rubbing his forehead slightly.

"I've just been looking at the engine room," said Ratchet. "The place is trashed. So, I could fix it up?"

"That's a great idea. Getting this ship working would be huge."

"If you want, I can watch the desert in case someone approaches," said She-Hulk. "Law school prepares your mind for crushing boredom."

"I'm afraid I can't offer much at the moment," coughed Iroh.

"And that's okay," said Sly.

"You shouldn't move that arm. Doctor's orders," said McNinja. "It could take weeks to fully heal as it is."

Deadpool had his hand up for some time. Sly noticed and said "Um, yes?"

"So... there's going to be more people," said Deadpool.

"Yes...?"

"I demand to personally greet each one. I'm very social."

"That might be a good idea," said She-Hulk. "And be sure to collect the letters off everyone," she added, pointing to the two near-identical pieces of paper the two groups had each received, lying on the table. "We can use them to make a list."

"A list?" groaned Deadpool. "Wow. Incredible. You managed, with one word, to make this magically insane set-up boring. Nice job, She-Hulk. That's fantastic."

"People will always try to maintain their own order when surrounded by chaos," noted Iroh.

"You be quiet. You and your wisdom."

"Suck it up, Deadpool," said Ratchet from the corner. "If we have a list of everyone, it might help us figure out just what is going on."

"Fine," sulked Deadpool. "I'll take the &€ #% letters."

"We all have our jobs," said Sly. "Ratchet will get to work on the engine. She-Hulk will take up guard duty. Dr McNinja will establish himself in the medical station, and Deadpool in the bridge, since that's where people seem to arrive. Iroh, you take it easy. I'll check in on everyone to make sure everything's going okay. That's everything – so let's get going."


Cole, Vitani and Heavy stood on a platform which was slowly ascending towards the top floor. They had been waiting for the elevator to arrive at its destination for quite some time.

"This is fun," noted Cole grimly.

"Oh, yeah," agreed Vitani.

"My weapon hungers for the flesh of cowards!" shouted Heavy. Cole and Vitani nodded understandingly.

###

Unbeknownst to the three, their opponent was watching them via the security systems. Dr Doom's metallic mask scowled down at the computer screen which displayed them.

"Doom's enemies draw nearer!" he announced loudly to no-one in particular. "My victory is close at hand. However, Doom is no fool. This MacGrath is easily the strongest of the motley assemblage that means to do me battle. Isolating him would be a judicious move."

After checking that both the devices he had recently constructed for himself were operable – they were, of course – he set to work.

###

At last, the elevator arrived at the floor which housed the Death Star's bridge. Heavy excitedly heaved his weapon and ran off of the platform. Vitani followed him, and glanced back at Cole.

"Aren't you coming?"

Cole was standing thoughtfully on the elevator. "It's just... I got a bad feeling about th-"

At that second, the platform was rocked with an explosion. Cole was unbalanced, stumbling away from his team-mates.

"It's a trap!" yelled Heavy.

Cole ran towards the door, but the platform was already falling down its shaft. He leaped towards the ledge, but missed. Vitani and Heavy watched him plummet into the darkness.

There was a shocked silence.

"Ohhhhhh no," said Vitani slowly. "He... he was kind of our hope."

"Then maybe is time for new hope," said Heavy stoically. "Doom is still ahead. We keep going."

Vitani continued to stare down the pit for a few moments, then turned away. "Alright, then."

The top floor was seemingly deserted. No-one challenged them as they crossed a corridor towards the bridge. They soon found their destination and hurried inside. The door slammed shut menacingly behind them.

The bridge was small enough considering the overall size of the Death Star. The walls, floor and ceiling were of a darker metal than the rest of the station. Control panels were to either side of the room, and at the front, a staircase led to a slightly elevated stage and a long view of the space outside.

On this platform was a man wearing a green hood and thick cape. He was facing away from them, inspecting the vacuum of space. He turned, revealing a grey suit of armour which covered him from head to foot. His blue eyes, the only thing visible of his face, smouldered with rage.

"You are the simpletons who dare to face Doom!" It was not a question. "Prepare to face your end!"

Vitani tried to think of a sardonic comment to make, and failed. The man across from them was overblown and almost ridiculous, and yet that didn't make him any less terrifying. Instead she just meekly nodded to Heavy. Heavy smirked, stepped forward, and activated his mini-gun.

Heavy yelled incomprehensibly as he emptied Sasha's vast ammunition reserves at Doom, barely audible over the deafening scream of his weapon. Doom stood silently, arms folded. There was a slight blue glow where the bullets bounced off his chest. His mask frowned down at Heavy and Vitani.

Eventually, the roar of the gun de-crescendoed, and Heavy's shouting died down to match it. The spinning barrel rolled to a stop. Heavy was shaken.

"No," he said, unusually quiet. "Is impossible."

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," proclaimed Dr Doom, unfolding his arms and striding down towards him. "I, Dr Victor von Doom, have outsmarted bullets."

Heavy stared at him. Then he dropped Sasha, and ran at Doom, fists raised. "AAAAAANNGGH YAAAA DAAAA!"

Doom neither slowed nor quickened his pace, prepared to strike back. Heavy came in with a powerful right hook. Doom caught his fist and shot him in the face with a laser in his palm. Heavy staggered backwards. Doom shot upwards by about six feet and then flew towards Heavy feet-first, yelling "FOOT DIVE!" Heavy fell to the ground after Doom's armoured boot sank into his face. Doom splayed his fingers, pointing each one at Heavy's prone form. He yelled "PHOTON ARRAY!" and lasers shot out of each fingertip. Heavy twitched as the lasers impacted against him, and became still.

"One falls before Doom. And now, it is merely a matter of..." Doom looked up and trailed off. Vitani wasn't where she had been. With the exits sealed and no other cover in the room, it was obvious she was hiding under the control panel. Dr Doom rolled his eyes.

"Doom has no time to play childish games," he announced to the room. "Instead, I will merely leave and destroy the entire bridge. Such is the maje- Gah!"

A lightning bolt impacted on the side of Doom's head. His shield protected him, but he still lost his footing briefly. He turned around and saw an arm sticking through a newly melted hole in the door. The arm was wearing a bright yellow sleeve and made a very rude gesture towards Doom.

Doom growled and shot some energy blasts at the arm. It quickly retreated into the hole, dodging them. The hole widened after Doom's attack, and soon someone stepped through it.

"Cole!" came a voice from under the control panel. "Um, I mean, meow."

Doom scoffed. "The return of the famous Electric Man."

"Infamous might be a better word," rejoined Cole, smiling thinly.

"I see your fall did little to placate you."

"Not even a little," Cole replied. "I caught a pipe halfway down, for a start. Maybe next time you'll use that tactic on someone who doesn't climb stuff as a hobby."

"Bah! It matters not to Doom what your hobbies are – or indeed how long you were entangled in my trap. Observe; I have already dealt with one of your comrades, and you will be no different. All shall bow before Doom!"

Cole yawned. "Another day, another freak yelling at me. Well, come on. Let's get this started."

"Your insolence will gain you only a slow death!"

Doom flew towards Cole, hands reaching out. Cole fired a few lightning bolts at him, and then rolled to the side, dodging him. As Doom flew by him, Cole tagged him with a grenade made of electricity. It exploded and stunned Doom briefly.

Vitani crept out from under the control panel and pulled Heavy's bulk to the side with difficulty. He was obviously unconscious, but otherwise fine.

Doom roared at Cole, who in turn kept a steady, inexpressive face. The super-villain blasted him with various weapons, causing Cole to execute several back-flips and rolls around the small room. Cole fired a few rockets at Doom and then threw himself behind the control panel where his two companions were positioned.

"So, how are you guys doing?" he asked conversationally.

"We'll be okay," said Vitani, slightly confused by his tone. "I'd be more worried about the powerful murderer screaming at us."

"You cannot hide from Doom!" screamed said powerful murderer, as though to underline her point.

"Yeah, I guess," said Cole, as though unconvinced. "You've been here longer than me. What can you tell me?"

"Well, Heavy shot him with all the bullets - "

"All the bullets?"

"All the bullets. And he didn't react. Kind of glowed blue where they hit him."

Cole nodded. "Interesting."

"So, what are you going to do with this information?"

Cole shrugged. "Eh. I'll work something out. You stay here and make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue," he added, nodding to Heavy. With that he jumped back out of cover. Vitani glanced at the unconscious Russian nervously.

Cole faced Doom, his back hunched slightly and his hands loose. Doom, in contrast, had perfectly straight posture and his hands were clenched in fists of rage.

"Doom tires of this battle," stated Doom. "I will detonate this room, thereby ending your lives."

"That'd be a fairly stupid move with you still in it," Cole pointed out. "But you think your shields would protect you, don't you?"

"Of course they would," replied Doom confidently.

"Well, maybe," Cole shrugged. "But I can tell you right now that I'd probably survive as well. The best you could hope for is knocking me out. And as soon as I wake up, I'd come after you to avenge my two new friends, since they wouldn't."

"Enough! Doom will hear no more of your prattling! Prepare to die!"

Doom produced a detonator from his robes. Cole watched him lift it as though in slow motion, and blasted it out of Doom's hand with a precise bolt. As Doom swore, clutching his hand, Cole ran forward. Upon getting close to Doom, Cole reached his arms out and sucked electricity out of the shielding device in Doom's armour. As soon as the blue aura around Doom shorted out, Cole let loose with a barrage of his heaviest attacks.

From her hiding place, Vitani listened to a series of loud explosions. She came out from behind the control panel just in time to see Doom slam against a wall, embedding into it. A final missile of lightning connected with him before he even hit the ground.

Cole turned to her and grinned. "Like I said. Just another day."

They approached Heavy and checked him.

"He's hurt pretty badly," noted Vitani. Cole said nothing. Instead, he crackled some electricity in between his hands and applied to the Heavy's chest like a defibrillator. Heavy jolted, but remained unconscious, and Cole shrugged.

"Fools!" Cole and Vitani whirled around to see Doom standing again. He blew open a wall to reveal an alcove, housing a metallic loop. The machine flickered on and a blue haze filled its hole. "Mark my words, Cole MacGrath - Doom shall have his vengeance!" Before Cole could react, Doom flew into the portal. The haze disappeared behind him.

Cole ran towards it, almost tripping over Sasha, but the portal was offline. Cole banged his fist against it in frustration.

"He's gone," said Cole, "and I dunno how to turn this thing on." By the time he had turned around to face Vitani, he was on a different bridge, with mahogany styling instead of steel. Cole blinked his eyes slowly, entertaining the possibility he had slipped deeper into insanity.

Vitani saw a raccoon and a man in red staring at her, evidently being interrupted mid-conservation. Deadpool had made himself a little desk out of a box he'd found in the lower levels. He sat at this, and Sly stood next to him. Both glanced over to Heavy Weapons Guy, who had also teleported over.

"Oh hey, your friend's hurt," Deadpool noted. "Lemme go get the doc." He scampered out of the room.

"Deadpool, what happened to taking the letters?" Sly called hopelessly after him. He sighed and turned back to their new guests. "Welcome. Before you ask, we're as lost as you are."

"I doubt that somehow," Cole said quietly, staring at Sly. He took off his backpack, inspected the sticker on it, and looked back to Sly.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked Sly somewhat apprehensively.

"You're Sly Cooper."

Sly blinked. "I am."

"You're fictional."

"...Come again?"

"This is a sticker of you," said Cole, thrusting the backpack at Sly. "My girlfriend bought it for me, because I'm a fan of you, and your fictional adventures."

Sly gave Cole an odd look. "I don't quite know how to respond to that."

"Neither do I. Which is why I'm going to go bang my head against a wall until I pass out."

Cole strode out of the room just before Deadpool and Dr McNinja re-entered with a stretcher.

"Well, that's a little... odd," said Sly uncertainly, watching him leave.

"I'm so confused," groaned Vitani into her paws.


For anyone confused as to Vitani's origin, she only appears in the direct-to-video Lion King 2. Heheh, I'm so hipster in my Lion King appreciation.

No, I'm not going to apologize for using a character from a Disney sequel.

What? No, I can't give you a refund! You never gave me any money!

Well, what you shoved into your CD-drive is your problem, not mine. I appreciate the sentiment though.

But not as much as I'd appreciate a review!