Cumberland is an interesting city, and not only because Dr McNinja has his medical practice nearby. A wonderfully bizarre nature permeates the town on all levels. On the bottom, organized crime is marshalled behind the banner of King Radical, a man from another dimension whose mission statement is to make Cumberland the most radical place on Earth. On the top, beloved major Chuck Goodrich is in fact a time traveller sent back to prevent the outbreak of the zombie apocalypse – a task he completed successfully. Cumberland is by now used to fantastical occurrences.

Thus, when three people exploded into being on a central street one quiet Tuesday morning, the citizens walking by didn't pay them that much heed. Some gave quietly interested glances, but otherwise the three were left alone.

The tallest was a grown man in a military uniform. Some of his short grey hair was visible under his green cap. He scanned his surroundings with his blue eyes, at a leisurely speed which belied the fact that this wasn't the first sudden, inexplicable change of location he had experienced. Then he raised his rifle.

The reason he did this is because across from him was a teenage girl who seemed irritated with him. This wouldn't normally have given Colonel Jack O'Neill enough concern to aim his weapon, except for the fact that the girl in question was holding a fireball in one hand and had a mass of curling shadows extruding from a black ring on the other. Her clothes, specifically her trousers and jacket a similar shade of black to her hair, seemed to be made out of an unusually tough material.

The third figure which materialized was a young man in a white shirt and blue jeans. He was sitting in a hunched squat and eating a packet of toffees. He looked slowly around, examining his new companions. He murmured, "Interesting." Then he took out another toffee and continued eating.

Jack and Valkyrie stood for a few moments. Eventually, O'Neill smiled thinly at her. "Hi."

"Good morning," she returned, with no small amount of sarcasm.

"Just a shot in the dark here," he said, "but I suppose you don't know what this is either?"

Valkyrie nodded curtly.

"So not much point setting me on fire then, is there?"

"I guess not." Valkyrie let the fireball extinguish, and the shadows coiled back into her ring. "Sorry about that. I'm pretty used to responding to this type of development by kicking everyone in the vicinity in the face."

"Fair enough," shrugged O'Neill. "I usually wait for someone smarter to explain things before I start shooting. Name's Jack, by the way. Jack O'Neill."

"Good to meet you, Jack," said Valkyrie. She turned to the hunched man. "What about you?"

The man's dark eyes focused on Valkyrie while his mind cycled through his numerous aliases incalculably quickly. Ultimately, he decided that it wasn't a situation which necessitated any such pretence. Thus, he said in a monotone "L. You may call me L."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "L? I'm assuming that's a taken name."

"Real names can be a dangerous thing," was his reply.

"Which is why you can call me Valkyrie Cain." Valkyrie rolled her shoulders. "So. Step two. What is this?"

"We're not in Kansas any more, that's for sure," said O'Neill.

"This situation is as strange as it is baseless," said L calmly. "There's no way we can work out what's going on without gathering more information. I suggest we explore the town and see what we can find out."

O'Neill nodded. "Alright. Learning about new places is already in my job description."

"Some good old fashioned detective work?" asked Valkyrie. "Fine... Although to be perfectly honest, I'd rather skip ahead to the part where we fight someone."

The ground shook slightly with the effects of a distant explosion. A flaming dune buggy flew from the sky and slammed into the ground nearby. An elderly lady hopped smartly aside to dodge it, but that was the extent of immediate public reaction.

L pointed in the direction the explosion was heard from. "Let's go that way."


Sly found Cole on top of the tower, his feet up, staring into the sky.

"So, you can climb then," noted Sly. Cole started, and when he saw Sly, he pointed at him almost accusingly.

"Nope. You don't exist. I refuse to accept this."

Sly sat down next to him. "Well now, that's a little harsh. I obviously exist. I'm existing right in front of you."

Cole just shook his head.

"Come on!" protested Sly. "This is strange for everyone."

"I understand that this is some freaky stuff for everyone else," said Cole, "but for me, it's freaky stuff that includes Sly goddamn Cooper!"

Sly, having no immediate counter-argument, looked out into the vast, uniform desert. Cole followed his gaze.

"Okay, think of it this way," said Sly after a time. "The multiverse is a big place, right? That much is obvious. There's a friendly old guy here who breathes fire. A doctor who is also a ninja. An electric man."

"A fictional raccoon master thief."

"Exactly. What if – hear me out – where you come from just happens to have me, or someone exactly like me, as a fictional character?" Cole looked at him sceptically, and Sly continued "Yeah, it's unlikely, but possible. Just like everything else that happened."

Cole mulled this over for a while. "Still sounds shaky to me," he decided, "but it's better than nothing. I'll try not to think about it."

"Good plan."

"And..." Cole offered his hand. "It's pretty awesome to meet you. In a weird way."

Sly shook it, only slightly hesitant of being on the receiving end of a potentially fatal joke buzzer. "Always nice to please a fan."


L, Valkyrie and Jack exited a bright orange supermarket named 'Monster Mart'.

"I don't see why you spent so much money on sweets," said Valkyrie pointedly.

"I can't be sure when I'm getting home, so I have to be well-prepared," replied L calmly.

"I don't see why I have to carry your shopping," huffed O'Neill.

"Because you have a backpack and I don't. Please, Colonel. Use your head."

They turned a corner to see an armoured jeep speeding down the road towards them. A man dressed as a clown leaned out a window and opened fire on them with a automatic rifle. O'Neill grabbed L and pulled the detective behind a wall, firing a few shots of his own at the jeep. Valkyrie dived behind a municipal mailbox just next to the road.

From the corner he was pressed against, Jack nodded to her, and Valkyrie returned the gesture. As the jeep sped towards her position, O'Neill leaned out of cover and fired a few more rounds at the vehicle. The clown ducked back inside. When the jeep drew level with Valkyrie, she sprung out, feeling the invisible gaps in the air around her. She pushed forward one hand and a wave of air caught the undercarriage of the car, flipping it on its side and pushing it across the street.

"Gas tank," said L calmly, as though helping O'Neill solve a crossword puzzle. Jack nodded again and shot the tank, which was affixed to the bottom of the jeep. The tank ignited upon being struck, and seconds later the entire jeep exploded into a fireball. Valkyrie put her arms over her face, and her specialised jacket absorbed the impact of several small, burning elements of the car.

A flaming wheel rolled past where L and O'Neill were standing. L watched it as it fell on its side, rolled in a circle for a few moments, and then came to a stop.

Valkyrie took her arms away from her head and frowned at the fragments of turquoise wig which floated through the air, lifted by the bonfire consuming the jeep. "This place is ridiculous," she said.

"I agree," said L. "This town is far too entropic for my tastes. In fact, anyone planning anything would be met with obstacles at every turn. While there is some degree of organized crime, someone planning illegal activities couldn't be guaranteed safety in almost any part of town."

"What are you talking about now?" asked O'Neill exasperatedly.

Valkyrie shushed him. "He's getting his detective on," she explained, recognizing the look on L's face, "and he's probably just going to keep talking whether we listen or not."

Indeed, L was saying to himself "... southern United States. Judging on humidity alone, I would guess Maryland. That should mean that somewhere in town are relics of the Underground Railroad. Such a location would be both secluded, but well enough publicized so that even an outsider like us could have found out about them. Assuming our opponent who mentioned in the letter is intelligent, it would be a good idea to hide out of sight while formulating a more solid plan, and hope that perhaps we wander haplessly into our own dooms as they wait. Thus," concluded L, "our next course of action is to investigate any historic tunnel systems in the area."

"That's a bit of a leap, isn't it?" asked O'Neill sceptically.

"Bet you a fiver he's right though," said Valkyrie.

Jack shrugged. "Fine."


As Vitani approached the ship's med bay, she could make out a heated discussion.

"Ooh, so you're a doctor and a ninja?" came Cole's voice, mockingly. "What, so you treat patients without anyone noticing?"

"You be quiet," snapped another voice. "Look, I know from examining your friend that you have some kind of healing ability."

"I do. Zap 'em with a few a volts, they're right as rain."

"Rrrrright," said Dr McNinja uncertainly. "So, maybe you should use that."

Vitani came quietly into the room just in time to see Cole's uneasy face. "Yeah, about that. I tried it on Heavy, and it didn't seem to work as well as it should have."

"It still worked," Dr McNinja pointed out. "It stabilized him until he got here."

"But he should have been completely healed. I dunno. My powers kinda fluctuate. I guess the healing just isn't working today."

The doctor sighed. "That's too bad. Well, if it starts to come back, tell me. I'd like to have it on standby in case of an emergency."

"Sure thing, doc." Cole left the room. On his way out, he noticed Vitani, and nodded to her.

While the two men were talking, she had been taking her surroundings. The mad bay was small, roughly the size of a sitting room. It had a brighter décor than the mahogany in the rest of the ship, presumably to ease the patients' state of mind. Shelves and cabinets lined the walls. Stretcher beds occupied one corner, and it was on the nearest of these that Heavy lay, the bed bending slightly under his weight. The Russian man was still out cold, but Dr McNinja had evidently tended to his wounds. The aforementioned doctor stood in the middle of the room, holding a clipboard and watching Vitani expectantly.

"Hello," she said.

"Afternoon," he replied. "Came to check on your friend?"

"Yeah, partly." She craned her neck to look at Heavy. "Will he be okay?"

"Completely. I was hoping Mr MacGrath could help speed up the process, but he'll be up and around soon enough."

"Good, good..."

Vitani trailed off. Dr McNinja cleared his throat. "What else brought you here?"

"Oh, yeah." Vitani looked up at the doctor. "I've been looking around the place, and I've noticed that most people have set themselves up with a job."

Dr McNinja nodded. "And you wanted to see if you could help me treat the wounded."

Vitani smiled nervously. "Exactly. Do... you mind?"

Dr McNinja leaned against a counter. "Sure thing."

Vitani seemed surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Because... I'm a lion?"

McNinja shrugged. "You can communicate verbally, so that already makes you more patient-friendly than my previous assistant. And the kind of errands I'd need done don't require thumbs."

"That's great!" said Vitani, smiling appreciatively. "Like what?"

"First thing to do is move your friend there from one bed to the other."

Vitani glanced over to where the huge mass of flesh that is Heavy Weapons Guy weighed down the bed.

Her smile, commendably, didn't waver. "I immediately regret this decision."

"I thought you might say something like that."


L, Valkyrie and Jack stood outside a huge tunnel entrance carved into a large rocky hill.

"Pay up," said Valkyrie triumphantly.

O'Neill scowled. "I really have to keep my mouth shut."

"If you two are quite finished," said L, "I'd like to point out we have no idea what our opponent is like, or how powerful they are. At the risk of sounding like a coward, I think it would be wise for either the man with the rifle or the girl with supernatural powers to go in first."

"Don't worry about it," said O'Neill, ensuring his firearm was fully loaded. "I can see where you're coming from."

The trio entered the tunnels. The rock opened up in several places, twisting away in seemingly every direction. It was dark in the tunnels, but they were illuminated by an unearthly purple light.

"Sure is purple down here," noted Valkyrie.

"Very astute observation, Miss Cain," replied L in his deadpan.

After what seemed like an eternity of aimless wandering, Jack held up a fist, indicating they should stop.

"What is it?" asked Valkyrie.

"Look," he whispered, pointing to a bend. On one wall, the omnipresent purple light was mixed with a more natural, flickering orange. "Whoever's around that corner, they're using a good old fashioned fire."

"Well spotted, Colonel," murmured L.

Jack shrugged modestly. "You don't get far in the Air Force without sharp eyes."

"Stay on guard," warned L. "Let's go see what this Azula is like."

They crept up to the corner and peered around it. A figure was sat in a hollow, next to an coalescing ball of purple energy. As Jack had deduced, a fire burned next to her; either side, in fact. This fire illuminated red, curved armour which fit over a small, feminine frame, and a youthful face with fierce golden eyes.

"Azula is a teenage girl?" O'Neill asked bewilderedly.

"Oh wow," said Valkyrie bluntly. "That's unthinkable."

"One is strange, two is just unlikely," replied Jack defensively.

L inspected the princess, from her spiked black shoes to her equally dark ponytail. "It's hard to judge whether or not she's aware of our presence," he said.

"I'm perfectly aware of your presence, you mumbling buffoon," retorted Azula, without looking up.

L showed no reaction. "I retract my statement."

"What do we do?" hissed Valkyrie.

"I don't particularly want to shoot a teenager," said Jack.

"She's an evil teenager," rebutted Valkyrie.

"Because a cryptic piece of paper told us so?" asked Jack sceptically. "You'll forgive me if I reserve judgement."

"The colonel makes a good point," said L. "We might not have the full facts of the case. Perhaps a dialogue is in order."

L and Valkyrie walked towards Azula. O'Neill stayed where he was, leaning against a wall.

"Hello," said L. "We'd like to take a few moments to discuss things with you."

"That's nice," replied Azula, standing up. "I'd like to take a few moments to rip out your organs and feed them to you."

Valkyrie and L shared a look. "That clears that up, then," said Valkyrie. She went to punch Azula, but was suddenly thrown back by a lightning bolt striking her torso. She fell back some distance, landing into a roll. Azula had entered a martial arts pose and fired lightning from two fingers pressed together. She aimed again and let loose another arc of lightning, this time at Jack. He jumped behind the corner, dodging it.

"Interesting," said L, unfazed by her lightning-bending. "You didn't fire at me. The effects of a royal lifestyle, no doubt."

"Oh please," replied Azula, rolling her eyes. "As if you know anything about royalty."

"As a matter of fact, I know many things, and the intricacies of being a princess is one of them," said L, "but please, let's not get off track. The important thing is that your standing has left you with a certain worldview. Regardless of how intelligent you are, there are certain biases in your mind you may never rid yourself of. For example, you'll naturally categorize a slouched man in a crumpled shirt blathering to you in a monotone to be more of a nuisance than an actual threat -"

Valkyrie watched from the ground as L sprang forward, a white and blue blur, spinning in the air. His foot connected with Azula's face and sent her tumbling backwards.

"- which will make it all the more surprising when I kick you in the face," concluded L as he landed on his feet, his tone unchanged.

Azula looked shocked, but this was quickly replaced by fury. She unleashed a wall of blue flame at L. Valkyrie pushed at the air, shunting L to safety. She then leapt to her feet, sprinting towards Azula. Her first instinct was to let loose a salvo of fireballs, but it didn't take a genius detective to deduce that that was probably a mistake. Instead, she knocked Azula's feet from under her with a gust of wind, and then sent twisting, jagged shadows clawing at Azula's face and arms.

Azula shot a burst of fire from her palms as she fell, forcing Valkyrie to hop back. Azula then executed a spin, the end result of this was Valkyrie being tripped to the ground and Azula landing on her feet.

Jack sighed. "Okay. Guess she's pretty evil." He raised his assault rifle and took off the safety. He didn't intend on killing Azula, but he wasn't going to let her know that.

Aiming well above her head, O'Neill loosed a salvo of ammunition. The claustrophobic acoustics of the cave made the shots ring even louder than they normally would have. Azula's eyes shot open, startled by the gunfire. Valkyrie smirked and pushed the air, seizing the moment. Azula was blown off her feet and fell into the purple flux behind her.

L, Valkyrie and O'Neill walked to the ledge and strained their eyes trying to spot her, but saw nothing within the purple haze.

"Is she dead?" asked O'Neill.

"I can't really make a judgement, since I have no idea what this is," said L stoically, watching the purple ball snap, crackle and pop, "but I estimate there being only a 5% likelihood of her surviving."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "So...?"

"She definitely survived," said Valkyrie pessimistically.


Azula coughed and rubbed her face. Disorientated, she sat up. The last thing she could remember was getting attacked by those three idiots, and then a disgustingly large amount of purple.

She looked up to see two huge figures towering over her menacingly. She leapt into action, quite literally, flipping on to her feet. She assumed a defensive stance and aimed two fingers at each person, lightning crackling around them.

"Don't do anything you'll regret," she threatened.

M Bison laughed. "You took the words right out of my mouth!"

Dr Doom folded his arms. "You may cease your spell, or whatever it is you are doing. You are among like-minded individuals."

"And just what do you mean by that?" asked Azula. She glanced around, keeping her attention mostly trained on the two men. The three were standing on the ground floor of a large tower, built of grey stone. It was darkly lit, but since the sun was setting it was impossible to say if this was the norm. Behind Bison and Doom there was an area with some basic furniture, and two heavy wooden doors built were into the far wall.

"What they mean," announced a third voice, "is that we are united by circumstance... and morality." Azula looked up to see Maleficent descending a large stone staircase which wound around the wall and up to a higher level quite some distance up.

"Well said!" smiled Bison. "Please allow me to make the introductions. I am M Bison, honourable warlord. This fine fellow is the esteemed Victor von Doom, master Scientist and full-time tyrant, and approaching us now is Maleficent, sorceress of untold power and, I am told, embodiment of evil itself." Bison's grin was as wide as ever. "We're a merry bunch."

"And who might you be?" queried Maleficent, gliding up to Azula.

"Azula," she said, replacing her combat stance with something more royal. "Princess of the Fire Nation."

"Bah," said Doom, "princess."

"We have all found ourselves here by various means," explained Bison. "Maleficent by eldritch portal, Doom by a device of his own design, and myself by fiddling around with a complex full of the most delightfully insane contraptions. But beyond that, our general origins in these lands, is a mystery which elude us all."

"Doom is constructing a second dimensional portal," said Doom, "but in such a technological wasteland, progress is slow, even for Doom."

"Come now," said Maleficent. "I for one am most grateful that Providence awarded us this castle. It reminds me of home. Why, it even has a dungeon!"

Azula backed slowly away from the three villains. "Well, it was fascinating meeting you. I'll be off now."

Bison laughed yet again. "Off? Where to?"

Azula didn't answer.

"Such a thought also crossed Doom's mind," said the doctor. "However, this tower is surrounded by desert on all sides. It is impossible to say how far it is to another structure."

"If indeed there are any," added Maleficent with a smile. "Far wiser, Princess, to stay here."

"Then I suppose that's what I'll do," said Azula, forcing herself to return the smile. She added internally, "Until I find a way to kill all three of you quickly."

Little did she know that this was precisely what the others were thinking. At least, that's what Maleficent and Doom were thinking. Bison was daydreaming about kidnapping the Queen of England.


How long can such a tenuous, absent-minded alliance last? Postulate in a review!