Ba Sing Se is known for many things, but the most striking is its walls. The massive stone structures encircle the settlement, and give the settlement its name - "Impenetrable City". Ba Sing Se is famous for its ability to withstand sieges for years at a time, with invading armies completely unable to break through the thick walls. And if an entire army cannot breach the wall, one must pity a lone plumber attempting the same.
Luigi futilely attempted to jump over the wall, but even his jump, far higher than the average person's, was nowhere near adequate. His monogrammed green hat fluttered in the wind. After a few unsuccessful jumps, he straightened out his blue overalls and green shirt, and stroked his large black moustache. He was tall in comparison to his brother, but that wasn't saying much.
That said, his team-mate only barely outclassed him in terms of height. He was also wearing overalls, but the shirt underneath them was red. He adjusted his hard-hat with his right hand, which unlike his bare left was wearing a large yellow glove. He glared at the wall from under his welding goggles.
"Well, if I do say so myself," he muttered in a Texan accent, "this is one problem that's gonna require a lot of gun."
While the Engineer began plotting various firearm-centric entry plans, and Luigi stood looking at the wall, the third member of their group reappeared. He was a man with black hair, which was slicked into spikes facing backwards. He wore a blue suit with a red tie, and a small gold badge was pinned to his lapel.
"So..." he said, walking up. "Still no luck then."
"Nope," responded the Engineer brusquely.
"I guess brute force just isn't working," replied Phoenix.
"Boy, can't you see we're trying to get into this place?" snapped the Engineer.
"Yes," answered Phoenix meekly. He reached into his pocket and produced three slips of paper. "Which is why I got these."
"And they are?" asked the Engineer. Behind him, Luigi stopped jumping and looked to Phoenix.
"Tickets for some kind of guided tour," explained the lawyer. "I found a gate down that way, and this was the only way I could buy access into the city. A tour guide will pick us up and lead us around for a day."
"During which, we should be able to track down this Gothel character," said the Engineer, taking his ticket. "Good thinking, son."
"Thanks," said Phoenix, handing Luigi his ticket. The three began walking back towards the gate Phoenix had mentioned.
"You know," he coughed, "those tickets sure were expensive."
Engie flashed him a grin. "Which is why I'm so very grateful you decided to foot our bill."
Phoenix glanced at Luigi, who shrugged helplessly. The lawyer let out a pained sigh.
War Machine was mapping out the interior of the ship for future reference when he heard the loud roar of heavy weaponry. Curious, he floated down a corridor and entered the hangar.
Heavy had been preparing to fire Sasha at a target, but when he noticed War Machine standing in the doorway, his expression turned from happiness to rage. "Robot!" he screamed, and pointed his weapon at Rhodes. Rhodes responded by aiming his two machine-guns and his shoulder mounted gatling gun at the Russian man. They stood in standoff for a few seconds before O'Neill diffused the situation.
"Easy, easy!" he yelled over the sound of Sasha's spinning. "What have you got against robots?"
"Bad times," growled Heavy. "Bombs. Bombs everywhere."
War Machine took a risk in an attempt to make peace. He flipped open his face-plate, revealing a distinctly organic face with brown eyes and dark skin. "Look, I'm not a robot. I'm just a guy in a suit."
Heavy eyed him suspiciously. "Could be spy robot," he spat distrustfully, but he was already lowering his gun.
Rhodes entered the room, shaking his head. He noticed what Jack was wearing. "That's an US Air Force uniform," he said incredulously.
Jack nodded. "Sure is."
Rhodes saw the eagle insignia pinned to O'Neill's epaulette. "And you're a colonel."
Jack nodded again. "Sure am."
Rhodes shook his head. "Coincidences are ridiculous." He offered his hand to O'Neill. "Jim Rhodes. I'm a colonel of the US Air Force."
Jack raised his eyebrows in interest and shook the armoured hand. "Now that is strange. Even considering the circumstances."
"Especially considering the circumstances." Rhodes looked over the aircraft taking up the other half of the room. "Any idea what those are like?"
O'Neill shook his head. "We're not going to launch those any time soon. Let's just say the view from the hangar's vehicle entrance doesn't have a lot of sky."
"Ah..."
"Probably for the best," added O'Neill. "I've seen a lot of flyers in my time, from a lot of different places, and I wouldn't rate those highly at all. Judging from the controls, they're easy to fly, but just as easy to crash."
War Machine approached a shuttle and pushed it lightly. "Hmm. Not too solid. A blow to the bottom of the fuselage could tear it apart."
"Fuselage?" asked Heavy,
"Body of the plane," explained O'Neill. "Anything lands a direct on this from below, the whole thing could go up."
War Machine chuckled. "It's times like this I'm glad I can fly by myself."
Upon entering Ba Sing Se, Phoenix, the Engineer and Luigi had been met by a black-haired woman calling herself Joo Dee. More distressingly, they had also been met by a group of soldiers wearing basic armour, green tunics, and disapproving scowls. Joo Dee had apologized lackadaisically, saying something about regulations imposed on visitors by the Earth King. Phoenix had given her a strange look, but said nothing.
Currently, they were sitting in a stone train heading into central Ba Sing Se. The train was propelled by what was known locally as Earthbending, whereby people propelled rock forward via some form of martial art. The three heroes were suitably impressed, but since fantastical things were reasonably commonplace for them, they had taken it in stride. They saw it as a very interesting transport system, but not much beyond that. In fact, Phoenix, who had the least experience which such things, was the first to stop marvelling at the train, instead deciding to reread the letter they had mysteriously received.
"Why are you a-reading that?" queried Luigi in his soft voice.
"The first page is only part of it," murmured the lawyer. "It goes into more detail on the back."
"What's that you're reading?" queried Joo Dee pleasantly, looking up from inspecting her face in a small mirror.
"A letter from my mother," lied Phoenix smoothly.
Luigi's brow furrowed. "But that's-a," he began. He then yelped because Phoenix had given him a subtle but sharp kick to the shin. "That's-a real sweet, Phoenix," said Luigi, suppressing a glare.
"Your mother does know best," Joo Dee laughed. Seemingly satisfied, she turned back to examining her face. Phoenix conveyed to Luigi via a facial expression that he wasn't willing to trust the tour guide. Luigi thought the lawyer was being paranoid, but shrugged it off.
The train reached a stop and Joo Dee ushered them off. They were on a somewhat dirty street, full of market stalls. Citizens went about their daily business, but when they saw the soldiers Phoenix noticed many tensed and tried to avoid their group.
"Here is the market district," said Joo Dee breezily. "Here, you can... buy things at the market."
"Golly," said the Engineer. "You don't say."
He strode away from the tour guide, and two soldiers broke off from the group to trail him. "Woh-ho, easy there fellas," said the Engineer, turning around and raising his arms defensively. "You really gonna follow a guy into the bathroom?" The soldiers glared at him for a few moments, but then relented, one gesturing for him to continue. The Engineer turned on his heel, smirking.
Phoenix walked up to a stall and looked at the plants on sale there, more out of boredom than interest. The shopkeeper, a middle-aged woman, leaned to the side to see past him and get a better view of the guards.
"What is this?" she asked, an obvious note of worry in her voice.
"We're tourists," said Phoenix blankly.
"Oh?" said the florist, confused. "Oh. Alright... Are you going to visit the gardens of the Middle Circle?"
Before Phoenix could respond, Joo Dee answered for him, having glided up silently behind him. "Why, of course," she said. "It would be silly not to."
They stayed in the market district for a while, but bought nothing; Phoenix had no money left and Luigi wasn't especially taken with anything there. Eventually, their tour guide gave a meaningful look to the captain of the squad, who in turn strode up to Luigi.
"Go get your friend," he growled. "We're leaving."
Luigi ducked down the same alleyway Engineer had entered and came up to the same building. "En-jah-neeeer," called Luigi through the door. "We're-a moving on. Let's-a go."
"Just give me a second!" replied the Engineer, a twinge of desperation his voice. From within the bathroom Luigi could make out a rhythmic clang of metal striking metal, as well as... beeping?
At length the Engineer appeared, seemingly satisfied. "Alrighty then," he smiled. "Let's-a go indeed." He strode off towards the rest of the group, leaving Luigi wondering fearfully what exactly it was he had been doing in there.
"I tell ya brother, I'm still a bit shaken," said Zeke, as Cole handed him a beer. He twisted it open and took a grateful gulp. They were sitting in a large communal room, but it was empty except for them. "I mean, he let himself die to protect us. It was really something."
"The old heroic sacrifice," murmured Cole.
"Heroic's definitely the right word for it." Zeke took another drink and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Makes you think, don't it?"
"It does," agreed Cole quietly.
"I mean, I can see you doing it." When Cole shook his head with a modest smile, Zeke protested "No man, I mean it! I can see you taking a bullet for your friends. Hell, I can see you taking a bullet for a total stranger."
"You can see it every day, Zeke," replied Cole stoically. "It's what I do for a living. It doesn't really count, since I heal from bullet wounds."
Zeke rubbed his eyes under his glasses. "It's a metaphor. You know what I mean. If the only way to save me, or Kuo, or somebody, was to let yourself die, you'd do it. Without a doubt, you'd do it."
Cole drank from his own beer. "Yeah. I guess I would."
"The thing is though, I'm not sure I would," said Zeke despondently. Cole went to say something, but Zeke cut him off. "You remember what I did with the Ray Sphere."
Cole's eyes narrowed. "I'm trying my best to forget."
"That's the kind of thing I'm talking about, man! What if I flake again? What if I panic and do something dumb?"
"I don't think you will," said Cole. "You're a better man now, Zeke. I trust you."
Zeke smiled weakly. "Ya do?"
Cole shook his shoulder fraternally. "Completely."
Zeke returned his grin. "Thanks, brother. That means a lot." He finished his drink.
"Look, maybe you just need something to take your mind off it," suggested Cole. "Go talk to Ratchet, see if he needs a hand rewiring the engines."
Zeke nodded. "Yeah. Maybe that's a good idea." He stood to leave. "Thanks a lot, Cole."
"No problem." Cole raised his bottle. "To V. Twice as bright..."
"Half as long," finished Zeke, clinking his empty bottle to Cole's.
The palace where the Earth King made his home, and from which Ba Sing Se was ruled, looked absolutely majestic by the light of the setting sun. That is to say, it looked fairly majestic to Phoenix, Luigi and the Engineer, but they couldn't be certain it was. After all, they were quite some distance away from it, and could barely make out its higher floors. They were in actuality standing in a public garden in the Middle Circle of Ba Sing Se.
Joo Dee's gormless smile contrasted, as ever, with the scowling faces of the soldiers around her. "I'm afraid to say your day pass into Ba Sing Se is almost at an end," she said. Her tone didn't sound especially apologetic. "Once the sun sets, you will be escorted back to the main gate. You can apply for another day pass next week."
"Dagnabbit dammit!" swore the Engineer. "We spent hours looking around this damn city, and we found neither hide nor hair'a Gothel!"
"Actually," said Phoenix, stroking his chin, "and think you're wrong there."
Luigi blinked. "You think-a you know where she is?"
"Alright Phoenix," the lawyer thought to himself, "It's now or never."
"There are certain inconsistencies I've noticed over the course of this tour – contradictions, if you will," he continued aloud, striding back and forth. "Once we take all these contradictions into consideration, everything becomes clear. There's only one explanation." The Engineer and Luigi watched Phoenix, as did the Earthbenders who surrounded them and their tour guide.
"Gothel…" said Phoenix, and suddenly he was pointing an accusing finger with power and weight, "has been you the whole time!"
He pointed his index finger straight into Joo Dee's face.
"What?" she said, blinking in surprise. "How did you come to that preposterous -"
"Firstly!" said Phoenix, ticking off his fingers, "For a tour guide, your knowledge of the city is abysmal. Your first instinct was to bring us to a street of no real importance. You only thought to bring us to actual tourist attractions after a shopkeeper mentioned them in your presence!"
Joo Dee's expression was part incredulity, part indignation. "Why, how dare you -"
"Secondly!" Phoenix interrupted her. "The citizens were unnerved with seeing soldiers patrolling the streets alongside visitors. If the Earth King had really put in place rules like you claimed he did, they would have accepted it without question."
The woman glared at him. "These are baseless accu-"
"And finally!" Phoenix produced the letter from his jacket pocket. "My evidence! We received this letter which informed us about Gothel. But that was only part of the writing; it actually goes into more detail further on. Specifically, two parts caught my eye. That Gothel would know about us like we knew about her, and could therefore prepare..." Phoenix turned his accusing finger to the soldiers. "And that she may have some locals under her command. These aren't the Earth King's men, they're Gothel's! They're yours!"
The woman went silent, eyeing Phoenix coldly. Luigi stared at Phoenix. The Earthbenders shared looks and cracked their knuckes. The Engineer shifted his grip on his wrench and held his breath.
Despite the various angry looks he was getting, Phoenix smiled triumphantly, putting his hands on his hips. "What have you to say for yourself?"
Gothel shrugged. "Just this." A dagger was suddenly in her hand, and she leapt at Phoenix. The lawyer's expression immediately inverted from victory to fear and he flinched.
Luigi acted quickly. He shot a green fireball at Gothel. She was mostly unharmed, but she lost her speed and Phoenix had time to back away. The entire guard gasped collectively at Luigi.
"He's a Firebender!" yelled the leader. "Get him, boys!"
"Uh oh," said Luigi softly.
As one, the guards fell on Luigi, drawing earthen projectiles from out of the ground. Phoenix ran to the Engineer for some support, to find his team-mate crouched down, hitting a metallic device with his wrench.
"That was some might fine lawyerin' you just did, son," he complimented. "Now lemme show you how an engineer solves a problem. Just gimme a sec to russle this li'l darlin' up..."
"What do I do until then?" asked Phoenix hopelessly. Gothel had regained her footing and readjusted her grip of her dagger. Glaring, she approached Phoenix threateningly.
The Engineer scoffed. "What do you think you do, son? Try not to get stabbed."
Luigi jumped, avoiding several stone missiles. He shot a few fireballs at his opponents below, then landed on the head of the captain of the squad. The captain collapsed, and Luigi jumped into the air again.
Gothel dived towards Phoenix, who hopped out of the way. The dagger twisted back towards him, and he yelped, ducking back.
"You should have kept your mouth shut, you know" said Gothel. "I was going to murder you quietly."
"Oh gee," said Phoenix. She lunged again, and he grabbed her by the wrists in an attempt to hold her off. "Such a shame we missed that."
"I'm ready!" called the Engineer, who had finished his construction. It was two long, opposing components supported by a base of thin metal. When it turned on, the two antagonistic bars began to spin, forming a circle. After performing a few revolutions, the device activated with a burst of red light. The bars were spinning so fast that the circle they formed seemed solid, and this circle lit up red. The machine gave off a few sparks, like the embers of a dying fire.
"Mr Wright!" yelled the Engineer. "Get her on this thing!"
Phoenix, far from being a professional fighter, pushed Gothel awkwardly towards the teleporter. She only fell back a few steps, and would have doubtlessly regained her balance had fate not been smiling on the lawyer. The Earthbenders had subdued Luigi moments before and knocked him aside. Luigi slid across the ground and came to a stop just in between Gothel and the teleporter. When Phoenix pushed the witch, she tripped over Luigi and fell over him, landing on the Engineer's building.
She went to stand up, but just as she reached her feet, she disappeared. There was no thunderous special effect which accompanied this; the only change in the machine is that the two bars started spinning at a much slower pace, as though they had to rebuild their momentum. Luigi and Phoenix stared at the Engineer, who returned their looks with a proud smile.
##
Gothel spun around, disorientated. One moment, she had been trying to stab the fool who had somehow seen through her disguise; the next, she was standing in a public bathroom on a machine identical to the one she had landed on.
"Well, this is more than a little strange," she said to herself. Behind her, she heard an alert beeping noise.
She turned to see a sentry pointed at her. Specifically, a heavy calibre tripod-mounted monstrosity, taller than she was, with dual miniguns sprouting from the sides and a component at the top which carried four offensive rockets.
Gothel said a word you should not repeat in front of your children.
##
"Got her," grinned the Engineer.
"What? How can you tell?" asked Phoenix bewilderedly.
"Trust me, son. An engineer just knows."
"You-a gonna engineer a way out-a this for us?" asked Luigi, his voice shaking, as the remaining Earthbenders surrounded them. One stamped his foot with a roar, and the ground swallowed up the teleporter, crushing it.
"Well, shucks," said the Engineer. "Gimme a second to think of something."
The three retreated until they stood back to back. Phoenix was about to say something when they teleported to the bridge of the ship.
"Huh," said the Engineer. "Whadda you know."
Deadpool exhaled relievedly. "Oh phew, you're all alive. I was worried you were going to yell at me again. Also, hooray, you're all alive!"
Phoenix, Luigi and the Engineer stared at the spandex-clad mercenary who was fumbling for his pen.
"Can you lawyer our way out of this?" asked the Engineer.
Phoenix shook his head. "I think I'm just going to bang my head against a wall."
"That's what the electric guy said when he accused Sly of being fictional," said Deadpool brightly. "Now. Names, please."
Lads, what part of these review reminders do you fail to understand? I know you're here; the stats tell me. And yet the review count is so low. Rectify this!
