Stargate Command is built deep into a mountain for security purposes. There is only one entrance and exit – barring the eponymous device, of course. Three men stood outside this stone tunnel, talking animatedly. Or at least, two spoke animatedly while the third glared confusedly at them.
"This is completely incredible!" exclaimed one. He wore a jacket and fedora hat in a matching shade of tasteful brown. Under his rimless reading glasses, his eyes were alive with wonder. "I can't believe I'm talking to Aquaman!"
"Quite so!" agreed the object of his attention. He was tall and muscular, with bright blond hair arranged in a quiff and a matching goatee. His shirt was bright orange, and seemingly made of scales, and under his large golden and black belt his trousers were green. "But it's good to know that no matter where I might appear in the universe, I still have fans."
"Aren't you confused about how he knows who you are?" asked the third man dubiously in a deep voice. He was a large man with dark skin, wearing an eclectic suit of armour seemingly scrounged from the corpses of beasts and vehicles. His ears were much longer than a human's. His visible eye was green, but his right was obscured by a red lens. He carried a thin weapon more than a meter long which ended in what looked like a snake's snarling head.
"Of course not!" replied Aquaman. "Chances are he's read one of my many best-selling memoirs."
"Oh yeah, that's it," said Linkara quickly. "That's probably the explanation that requires the least, well, explanation."
Sig shook his head. "Whatever. Let's get to the task at hand."
"Ah yes!" said Aquaman enthusiastically. "It's not an adventure unless there's a nefarious villain to foil. So let's get foiling!"
"Hold on a second. The letter said we would be facing Loki. We want to be careful about him," said Linkara.
"What, did you read his memoirs too?" asked Sig.
"I read a lot of things!" said Linkara defensively. "Right, listen up. Way back, in Asgard, there were two princes, Thor and Loki. Loki was the younger, so he, unlike Thor, wasn't guaranteed the throne. As such, he grew to b-"
"Our friend asked if you had read Loki's memoirs," said Aquaman, "not to relate them in full."
Linkara caught himself. "Right, sorry, too much detail. Cliff notes: Loki's the god of deception, so be on guard for anything that seems off. And be especially careful if his staff starts to glow. If his staff glows, get distance between yourself and him immediately. You got that?"
"Sure," said Sig.
Aquaman, who had been examining a butterfly, glanced back at Linkara. "Hmm? Oh, yes, of course!"
"Great." Linkara drew out a weapon that appeared to be a flintlock pistol. "Then let's go put an end to his poisonous dream."
Phoenix opened the door to the boardroom and poked his head inside. Sitting at the large table in the centre were L and Iroh, leaning over some paper. Iroh looked up and smiled at him, gesturing for him to come in. L remained reading.
Phoenix drew closer and saw the detective was examining the letters each group had received. He had arranged them in chronological order in a row. The names of each involved person were mentioned on the letters; the heroes' names appeared as the recipients, and the villain's in the scant body of the letter. Through the names of Wesker and V, L had struck a line with a pencil. Small question marks were drawn in next to Maleficent, Bison, Doom, Azula and Gothel.
"Our equipment is admittedly not up to standard," L said, "but even still I can't really garner anything from these letters. They're too perfect. The only traces of DNA on them, for example, are from where one of us has touched them."
Phoenix sat down next to Iroh. "Would you like some tea?" asked the general, gesturing to a pot sitting on the table. Both Iroh and L had cups, L's evidently quite full of sugar.
"I'm usually more of a coffee guy, but sure." Iroh poured him a cup, and Phoenix accepted it gratefully.
"Thanks very much. What are we doing?" he asked.
"I'm examining the letters each party received, but that much is of course immediately obvious," answered L, without looking up. "As I just said, there's no forensic evidence. My next move would be to try and locate any noteworthy patterns in who has thus far been involved."
"But with no other evidence, how can you identify any pattern as noteworthy?" asked Phoenix.
L looked up at him and examined him with his dark eyes.
"You're hired," he said. "Welcome aboard."
Aquaman ran boisterously through the underground corridors of the SGC, exploring the grey metal hallways. Against Linkara's urging, he had insisted on leaving the group to cover more ground.
He turned a corner to see a thin man wearing armour and green cloth. On his head was a helmet with long, curved horns, and in his hand was a staff less than a metre long, terminating in a curved spike with a glowing blue orb housed within it. Armour, helmet and staff were all the same gleaming gold, and slick jet-black hair protruded from the back of his helmet. When his emerald eyes landed on Aquaman, they widened in fear. He turned hastily and ran into a room on the corridor.
Aquaman smirked triumphantly and followed him. His fist was on a collision course with Loki's face before he had even entered the doorway. He punched the god with all his might, and Loki dissipated into mist.
"By Neptune, I didn't think I was that strong," murmured Aquaman bemusedly. Suddenly, a lancing pain shot through him as a blast of energy exploded against his side. He fell through a table, shattering it. Looking up, he saw Loki smirking at him from beside the doorway.
"It's quite incredible how effective that is," he smiled. His voice was soft, sophisticated, and mockingly friendly. "Honestly, I have to wonder sometimes."
Aquaman leapt to his feet. "So you're the knave I'm up against! And as cunning as your reputation suggests. Prepare yourself for a mighty battle!"
"You remind me of my brother." Loki's smile died. "I hate my brother."
He fired again, a blue blast of power emitting from his staff's tip. He then flew across the room and began raking at the hero with the sharp end of his weapon. Aquaman took a few cuts before grabbing Loki's throat and tossing him across the room. Loki hit the wall and slid down, landing on his feet. He stretched a bit, his healing factor nullifying the little damage Aquaman had done to him.
"Impressive," complimented Loki. "You're withstanding everything I throw at you."
"Of course I am!" yelled Aquaman. "Because I have the one thing anyone needs to be a true hero!"
"Oh?" said Loki, a curious smirk on his face. "Do enlighten me."
Aquaman beamed. "Heart!"
"Is that so?" asked Loki, his smile widening to match Aquaman's. "Well, now, that is very interesting." He raised his staff, which began to glow an unnerving, icy blue.
"Say, Arthur, old chum," Aquaman thought to himself, "what did the fellow in glasses say about the staff glowing? Hmm... I don't seem to recall. Whatever it was, it's probably undone by running up to him and punching him in the face. So, same plan as ever!"
Aquaman rushed towards Loki. Loki smirked quietly and aimed for his heart.
The Engineer knocked politely on a thick steel door at the very end of the ship. He had had to navigate many dark corridors, but he had eventually found the famously defunct engine room. A voice casually bade him enter. With effort, he pushed the door open with his gloved hand.
"Damn, that's one heavy door," he noted internally.
Inside were Ratchet and Zeke in a room which was simultaneously large and claustrophobic. It was certainly quite big, but the majority of space was taken up by thick machinery. In the middle of the room sat a chamber, tall enough for a grown man to stand in. Sitting inactively at the bottom of this chamber was a large rhombic diamond, longer and thicker than the Engineer's arm. A window to the side of the room gave a nice close-up view of the sand outside. A metal bar was visible on the side of the ship it displayed, but whatever it was attached to was buried in the sand.
Zeke had been telling Ratchet something about making the ship run on coal power, as far as the Engineer could tell. When he entered, they had stopped conversing and looked at him. The Engineer tipped his hard hat in greeting. "Good evening. I was just thinking I could lend y'all a hand in helping fix up this place."
"Sure thing," said Ratchet. "It's pretty easy work, but there's a lot of it to do. Mostly just replacing the parts that are burnt out."
"Alrighty then. I'll start immediately."
Zeke gave him a look. "Your accent... Texas?"
"Sure is."
Zeke grinned. "You can always tell a Texan..."
"But you can't tell him much!" finished the Engineer. He and Zeke shared a laugh.
"This should be fun," murmured Ratchet.
Sig and Linkara were in another section of the base, fighting off a brigade of army soldiers. Linkara had been unwilling to fight troops from his own homeland without good reason, but upon seeing their icy-blue eyes, indications they were under Loki's power, he had resigned himself to battling them. Sig had no such qualms. He shot anyone who shot at him.
Linkara shot the final soldier, a red burst of magical energy coming from his gun and striking his target on the chest. The soldier collapsed. Linkara and Sig nodded to each other, and Linkara took point, walking out of the room. Turning a corner, he saw Aquaman approach.
"There he is," grumbled Linkara. "I told him to never split the party! It's not a good idea." He gave Aquaman a disapproving look. "You find anything?"
In response, Aquaman punched Linkara in the jaw so hard that he flew some distance away and landed on his back.
Linkara looked up and met Aquaman's eyes, which were that same threatening shade of blue. Linkara's face hardened.
"What's wrong?" began Sig, coming out into the corridor, before Aquaman kicked him in the stomach and brought two fists crashing down on his head. Sig growled and knocked Aquaman back with a sweep of one burly arm. Aquaman stepped back a few paces, and raised his fists.
"Cognitive recalibration!" Linkara shouted from the floor. When Sig shot him back a quizzical look, Linkara clarified "We have to hit him really hard on the head!"
Sig shrugged. "If you say so." He hefted his Peacemaker like a club and swung it at Aquaman. Aquaman grabbed it and wrenched it out of his hands, throwing it behind him. He then leapt at Sig, knocking him to the floor. Once on the ground, Aquaman let loose a barrage of punches and kicks on Sig.
"I can't do it!" protested Sig as he attempted to regain ground. "Aquaman's just too strong!"
Linkara blinked. "Now that's a sentence I didn't expect to hear today."
"Just shoot him already!" barked Sig, catching one of Aquaman's fists only to be struck by the other.
Linkara pointed his magic gun at Aquaman's chest. "It's unlikely I can get through to you, but I have to try," he muttered. "Aquaman! How are you going to describe this adventure in your next memoir?"
Aquaman, choking Sig with one hand, looked up slowly at Linkara. "Loki lives," was all he said in response.
Linkara growled. "Not for long he doesn't. Not after this." He closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger.
A blast of power, larger than usual, fired from the gun and struck Aquaman squarely in the torso. He fell backwards, his body smoking lightly where he had been hit.
"Outrageous..." coughed Aquaman, crumpling to the floor. It was a fitting last word.
Linkara walked up to Aquaman stared down at him, in shock. Sig got to his feet. "You okay?"
Linkara shook his head, but not as his answer; rather, at Aquaman's death. "I'm fine. In fact, there's a chance he'll be fine too. People in this line of work... Death is lenient with them. But that doesn't change the fact he's dead now. And it's not going to change our next move."
Sig reclaimed his Peacemaker. "Revenge?"
"Oh yeah," said Linkara. "He'll be a lot less Loki when we're through with him."
##
The epicentre of Stargate Command is the room which houses the transportation device which gives the complex its name. Like the other rooms, it is large and made of grey steel. In the centre, a metal ramp leads up to the huge circular Stargate. Alien symbols and characters are etched into a moving component in the ring. When used, this component lines up symbols with large red chevrons, which then lock down on them. After seven chevrons are locked in, the Stargate connects to another Stargate somewhere in the galaxy. In essence, it's a giant telephone, transporting matter instead of sound to another device of the same make once a corresponding sequence of characters are entered.
Loki strode calmly into this room, waiting for the portal to activate. His demeanour was cool, collected, and victorious. Soon he would be moving on from this wretched little place and moving on to greener metaphorical pastures, leaving behind a few broken heroes. He hadn't expected Aquaman to survive fighting his former comrades - that would have been too fortuitous to hope for - but nonetheless he was confident that his opponents had been sufficiently slowed. He didn't think anything could dent his escalating good mood.
He was proven wrong when a bolt of magical energy exploded against the back of his helmet, making him stumble forward a step.
"You monster!" Linkara shouted despairingly from behind him. "You made me kill Aquaman! This is the worst day ever!"
Loki turned slowly, scowling distastefully. "Be silent. Your voice sounds like a cat in agony."
"Hilarious," growled Linkara, "never heard that one before." He opened fire again. Loki flew towards Linkara, dodging the projectiles, and came to a stop just in front of him. Linkara placed his gun over his chest protectively.
"And just what do you intend to do?" he sneered into Linkara's face. "I am of Asgard, and you are a mere human."
Linkara shrugged. "That's true, but I would phrase it differently."
"Is that so?"
"You may be a god," said Linkara, "but I AM A MAN!" With his other hand he punched Loki heavily, directly in the stomach.
Loki took a step back, and made a face as though he was sampling a desert. "Commendably brave of you," he said. "That almost hurt."
He lifted his staff, but a massive burst of blue power exploded against him. Loki flew across the room and slammed into the thick metal wall on the other side.
Sig smirked at him from the doorway, recharging his Peacemaker. "Did that hurt, cupcake?"
Loki climbed to his feet and fired at Sig, snarling. At was at this point that Linkara noticed that the Stargate was undergoing its slow activation sequence.
"Dammit, we can't let him get away," he muttered to himself. Then, to Sig, "Keep him covered! I'm going to make sure he can't escape!"
"Gotcha," grunted Sig. Loki was hammering him with energy blasts, but Sig didn't seem to notice.
Linkara ran from the Stargate's room and up a flight of stairs to the control room which overlooked the alien device and the two humanoids battling next to it.
Sig had positioned himself in front of the Stargate to block Loki's path. The Norse god stood pacing, dodging the blasts from Sig's Peacemaker. Sig grinned darkly, shrugging off several blasts from Loki's staff. "My stick's better than your stick," he taunted.
Linkara threw himself on to the computer and began typing furiously. "C'mon, c'mon, where's the emergency abort function?" His frantic typing went unrewarded, and he watched as the seventh chevron of the Stargate locked.
"Hmm, wasn't there something that the Stargate did when it opened?" he thought to himself. Then, his eyes widened. "Sig, dodge!" he yelled over the intercom.
Sig glanced back at the Stargate, taking his attention from Loki. The empty space in the centre of the device changed into a blue shimmering substance, like water. At the next instance, a huge ripple burst dramatically from the centre, directly at Sig. He managed to dodge to the side, and the bulge engulfed the space he had been standing in. It extended for roughly three meters before receding.
"Phew," said Linkara. "That would've cut you in half."
"If you say so," replied an unconvinced Sig. He looked back at Loki to see the prince was sprinting nervously towards the Stargate.
Sig chuckled. He was running in a straight line. Easy target. He raised his Peacemaker and fired. The projectile crackled against Loki, vaporising his form.
"Huh, that was easy," said Sig. Before Linkara could shout another warning, the real Loki descended from the ceiling and delivered a well-aimed kick to the back of Sig's head. Sig stumbled forward.
"Works every time," smiled Loki. "Adieu." With grandeur, he turned and entered the blue light. Sig reached forward and grabbed the pointier end of his staff. Loki disappeared into the Stargate, but the tip of his staff remained on their side.
"Oh, screw this!" yelled Linkara. He stood up, drew his magic gun, and fired indiscriminately at the computer consoles. After a few shots, the lights in the room dimmed and power to the facility cut off abruptly. This included the Stargate, which sparked and deactivated. The portion of the staff Sig was holding was cleanly sliced off from its rest as the connection to the handle suddenly failed to exist.
Linkara jogged into the room. "Sorry about that. I lost my temper."
"Damn bastard got away," replied Sig, distastefully tossing the sharp tip of Loki's staff to the ground. The blue orb had been on their side.
"We'll find him." Linkara went to pick up the staff fragment, knowing from experience it was always useful to hold on to the weaponry of your enemies. Before he got the chance to, however, he and Sig teleported to the ship.
They raised their respective weapons and collectively aimed them at Deadpool, who was unfazed.
"'Sup," he said.
"Deadpool," said Linkara slowly. "Now I'm talking to Deadpool."
"Yup," he said.
"Is there no-one here you don't recognize?!" thundered Sig.
"Not yet," said Linkara happily. "And yes, I've read Deadpool's... memoirs."
"It's okay," whispered Deadpool loudly. "You don't have to lie to me. I knoooow."
Sig rolled his eye. "Whatever. I need a drink." He stalked out of the room.
Linkara beamed at Deadpool. "I wonder if autographs will carry back with me to my own dimension..."
Reviews carry through all dimensions, just so you know...
