Haven City is more hospitable than its surroundings, but that's not saying much. The citizens wander the dirty streets, trying not to incur the wrath of the Krimzon Guard, the red-armoured police force whose fierceness is matched only by their inability to spell. The ruler of Haven City resides in a huge palace in the centre and co-ordinates their forces from there. However, the majority of the city is slums and shanty-towns.

In one of the smaller slums that three people appeared into being. Had anyone been looking their way at the time, they would have fled. Denizens of Haven knew better than to remain near a fight, and a fight seemed certain.

One of the people wore a futuristic suit of armour. It was comprised of a smooth titanium alloy plated over a thick black bodysuit. The metal was jet black in colour, and the wide facial visor of her helmet was made from dull golden glass. On her hip was a silver pistol, which she quickly drew. She pointed it at the one-foot-tall robot who blinked up at her with large green eyes. Evidently deciding he wasn't much of a threat, she instead levelled it at the orange angular droid who was pointing his own firearm at her. The droid's red eyes focused on her as his head clicked rhythmically from side to side.

"Query: What is going on?" queried the droid.

"That would be an excellent question," said the small robot in a sophisticated voice, "one which I myself am currently pondering."

"That makes three of us," said the soldier. "Are you going to lower your weapon, or am I going to have to dismantle you?"

"Reply: This unit will not lower his weapon until you are no longer a threat," hissed the droid.

"So, 'I will when you will'?"

"Precisely."

The soldier paused a few moments. "Fine," she said eventually, "but only because I don't need a gun to break you in two."

The two of them took on slightly friendlier stances as the small robot finished scanning the area.

"I'm afraid my sensors are of no help," he said sadly. "Perhaps introductions are in order. My serial number is XJ-0461, but I'm more commonly known as Clank."

"Statement: I am the assassination droid HK-47," stated the orange robot.

"Tex," grunted the black-suited soldier bluntly.

"A pleasure to meet you both," said Clank politely. "Now, perhaps it would be wise to begin exploring our surroundings. It may give us some insight as to why we are here."

"You seem pretty calm about all of this," remarked Tex.

Clank smiled thinly. "This is approximately the third time time I've been involved in this kind of situation. If not more."

"Statement: It appears some ominous meatbags are approaching us," stated HK-47. "Be on guard."

He was referring to the contingent of Krimzon Guards who were approaching them, weapons raised.

"And just what have we here?" demanded the one on point, presumably the leader. "Lower your weapons. You're all under arrest."

Clank put up his arms, but almost experimentally, as though he wasn't certain what would happen. Tex and HK-47 made no such moves.

"I repeat," snapped the Guard, "lower your weapons, or -"

HK-47 raised his blaster and shot the Guard in the face. He collapsed, screaming, and exploded into purple dust. The rest of the Guards sprung into action, but Tex was faster. She grabbed the blaster of the nearest one and elbowed him in the throat. He released the gun, choking, and Tex threw it at another Guard. The stock struck him in between the legs, and it fired into his face, killing him. Tex punched the first Guard in the face hard enough to send him falling backwards. She grabbed his ankle as it rose into the air, spun him, and threw him into two other Guards. There were now two Guards remaining, standing in two different directions from Tex. Tex rolled towards one and slid under his legs. While he tried to turn around to face her, HK-47 shot the other in the head. The final Krimzon Guard aimed his blaster at Tex, but was distracted by a tapping on his boot. He glanced down to see Clank waving up to him. The Guard tilted his head at the little robot, and was about to punt him away when Tex flipped to her feet, ran at him, and punched the Guard so hard in the face he flipped upside down.

Tex, HK-47 and Clank stood amid a field of Krimzon Guards who were either groaning in pain, unconscious, or outright dead.

"That's five to me," counted Tex, "two to you, and an assist to Clank."

"Reply: Believe me, my score will be much higher in a few moments," rebutted HK-47, seeing more Guards approach.

Clank sighed. This was going to make exploration a lot harder.


Sly bumped into Linkara in one of the corridors of the ship; quite literally, in fact. Linkara had been looking at a piece of paper in his hand, not at where he was going.

"Oh, sorry!" said Linkara upon collision. "I was a little distracted."

"It's quite alright. What is that?" Linkara grinned and showed Sly the paper. Three signatures; a scrawled, childish script, complete with illustration, a formal legal font, and a brisk military signature. "Isn't it great when someone takes a moment to indulge a fan?" remarked Linkara.

[a/n – It most certainly is!]

"I think they find it flattering that they're famous in other universes," he added.

"I certainly do," smiled Sly. "Although I'm also a little annoyed that I'm not profiting off the merchandise being sold in my image, just because it's in another dimension."

"Now that's a question for an economist..." Linkara and Sly began walking together. "Are they still trying to work out why we're here? Up in the boardroom?" asked Linkara.

"Yeah, they are."

"Personally," said Linkara, "I think it's kind of a waste of time at this point."

Sly motioned for him to clarify. "Look at it this way," Linkara continued. "Someone, or something, has this planned, as evidenced from the letters with our names on them. That and the whole teleportation thing. But beyond that, we can't make any solid conclusions, especially since we don't have any advanced sensors or scanners and the like. We'll find out when we find out. But based on what we have now, I doubt they'll make any progress."

"Are you saying that they should give up?"

"I guess I am," said Linkara, "if only so that they stop wasting valuable time of what is an admittedly bizarre but freaking awesome opportunity to talk to some amazing people."

"I suppose there are some things you can't plan for," said Sly.

"Like your enemies turning into pure energy."

Sly tilted his head. "Excuse me?"

"I knew a guy once," Linkara explained. "Tried invading my universe, beat me to a pulp, you know, standard fare. I eventually managed to deal with him, but I didn't want to kill him. For one thing, I just don't do that, and for another, he had kinda noble intentions."

Sly sighed. "The guys I face never have noble intentions... Anyway, you were saying?"

"I exiled him on some frigid waste, thinking that was it. But – spoiler alert – it turned out that he could turn into pure energy and he eventually found his way back to me, having downloaded himself into a robotic body."

"That's... interesting," said Sly uncertainly.

"Look, all I'm saying is that while it's perfectly logical to want to know what's going on, I doubt we can draw a conclusion from our current data," said Linkara. "So let's just put our feet up and enjoy the twists as they come."

"You make a good point," smiled Sly.

Linkara returned it. "It's what I do."


A thick red tank with no roof, hovering quite a distance above the ground, sped dangerously through the streets of Haven City. Clank stood in the driver's seat, barely able to see over the dashboard. HK-47 sat in the passenger seat next to him, leaning his blaster on the tank's door.

"Left! Left!" he directed. Clank dutifully swerved left. There was a thump.

"What was that?" queried Clank.

"Answer: An overweight pedestrian," answered HK-47. "He jiggled most amusingly upon collision."

Clank shook his head. "I really must stop listening to your directions."

An impact shook the vehicle. The two looked back to see two more Krimzon Guard tanks, known as Hellcats, closing in on them. They were both piloted by a single Krimzon Guard. The large frontal cannons on both sparked an ominous red, one having already landed a hit.

HK-47 prepared to turn his blaster. Tex stood up from the gunner's seat at the rear of the Hellcat.

"Hold on," she said. "I got this."

She steadied herself, and then took a running jump off their tank. She flew towards the right Hellcat, catching its front upon landing. The Guard scowled down at her, deciding to ram her into a wall. He approached a pillar and accelerated. Just before impact, Tex flipped on to the Hellcat, ran its length, and threw herself off the back. She turned in midair and fired a few pistol rounds into the Guard, killing him. Then, seemingly by accident, she landed neatly in the gunner's seat of the second enemy Hellcat.

"Hi," she said to the Guard, before grabbing the back of his head, slamming his face repeatedly into the dashboard, and tossing him out of the vehicle with one hand. She took his position and floored the acceleration, catching up to Clank and HK-47. She leaped back on to their Hellcat and settled comfortably back into the gunner's seat as the other Hellcat slammed into a wall and exploded. "367 to 344," she announced. "Shout if you need me again."

HK-47 muttered something and fired at someone.

"Remember, civilians don't count," Tex said pointedly.

"Statement: I am aware," said HK-47, firing again.

"Can we focus on the task at hand?" asked Clank. "We didn't even know about this GLaDOS person until recently, because you two were too busy with your murdering spree."

"Gimme a break, I didn't notice the letter. I look like an avid reader to you?" replied Tex.

"Postulation: I would surmise that anyone in a position of power would reside in the large palace at the centre of this city," postulated HK-47.

"What logic indicates to you that GLaDOS is in a position of power?" asked Clank.

"Answer: None," answered HK-47. "However, if they aren't in the palace, we can interrogate those within until they aid us in finding them. I do so love a good interrogation."

"Makes sense to me," said Tex, hands behind her head as she looked up at the night sky. "It'd be easier to look for them from the middle of town, at least."

"Very well," said Clank, swerving to avoid a Krimzon Guard on a hovering motorcycle. "To the palace."

##

Entering the palace had proved easier than Clank had feared. The main doors were certainly thick, but Tex was confident that slamming enough hovercars into them would eventually cause them to cave in. Her theory was never proven, as after the tenth vehicle exploded against the doors, a group of irate Krimzon Guards had thrown the doors open and flooded out. The three had fought their way inside and were currently taking a breather in one of the less used rooms.

Tex and HK-47 checked their respective weapons while Clank examined a computer terminal.

"Current score is 505 to me," said Tex, "503 to you. I'm winning."

Two Krimzon Guards burst into the room. HK-47 shot one, the energy bullet he fired piercing through the Guard and killing his compatriot as well.

"Correction: Our scores are even," corrected HK-47 smugly.

Clank hopped back, startled, when the display he was looking at changed abruptly to a view of their opponent, GLaDOS. One large, robotic eye, yellow in colour, stared down at the camera. Clank couldn't make out the rest of her structure.

"Hello and welcome to Haven City Bureaucratic and Security Managerial Centre," she greeted in a mechanical monotone. "I am GLaDOS. You are on file as committing 1,010 counts of grevious assault against Krimzon Guard personnel, 57 counts of grand theft auto, 39 counts of theft of weaponry from Krimzon Guard Personnel, 45 counts of damage to city property, and one count of aiding an assault on a member of Krimzon Guard personnel." She paused for a moment. "You are horrible, horrible people."

"I wouldn't describe myself as horrible," said Tex. "I just get paid to do horrible things."

"But Agent Texas, no-one is currently paying you," Clank pointed out.

Tex considered this. "Yeah, that's true," she admitted. "These guys are just dicks. This right here is community service."

"Statement: Your meatbag justifications of morality never fail to amuse me," stated HK-47.

"The Haven City Council of Justice and Civil Protection has decided on your sentence: execution," said GLaDOS. "If you ask me, that's too good for you, but sadly I'm not the one giving out the sentences. Yet. Please assume a docile position and await your imminent arrest. Leniency will be awarded to the first criminal to betray their partners." The computer terminal deactivated.

"I traced the signal from that transmission," said Clank. "It came from a room near the centre of this palace."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go."

"Statement: Just a moment. I have something which may be useful." HK-47 produced a small piece of technology, not dissimilar to a USB stick.

"What's that?" queried Tex.

"Explanation: This is a device known as an ice-breaker," explained HK-47. "It completely overwrites digital code. Since our opponent has revealed herself to be mechanised, I believe this is the most efficient way of dispatching her. I surmise it would quickly destroy the software of a digital mind."

"Smart thinking," said Tex, taking the ice-breaker from him. "Now can we go?"

"Just one question," said Clank warily. "Why did you have that on your person, HK-47?"

"Answer: Uh... no reason, my trusted fellow droid. No reason whatsoever."

##

Upon coming up to the room, Clank had retreated into an air vent, explaining that he had a backup plan should the ice-breaker fail. HK-47 scoffed at the idea his strategy wouldn't work, but nonetheless supported the concept of multiple plans and accepted that Clank would offer little in a fully physical battle. Thus, he and Tex had entered GLaDOS' chamber alone.

In the flesh, if that phrase was applicable, she was even larger than she had seemed on screen. GLaDOS loomed over them, her oddly shaped computer body swinging slightly. Wires criss-crossed out of her and into the ceiling above. Her frame was comprised of shining grey metal, smoothly arranged in curves. Four spherical cores were attached to her, but they seemed inactive, judging from how their central light was offline. One yellow light at the fore of the body glared accusingly down at them from above.

"I'm adding disturbing a city official to your record," she said disapprovingly. "I really don't understand how you can be so shameless."

Tex loaded her pistol. "Giant supercomputers are worth 500. Last shot gets all points."

"Agreement: Very well."

Tex and HK-47 both unloaded a salvo of gunfire onto GLaDOS. The bullets embedded in her frame, and the lasers bounced off. The only reaction she exhibited was a slight change in her perpetual slight swinging.

"Was that really your entire plan? If there was a crime for being stupid, you would now also be guilty of that as well. Regrettably, there isn't," said GLaDOS in her usual monotone. "Oh, who am I kidding? I make the rules. I can draw one up for you. Give me a moment."

"Suggestion: Whenever you're ready," murmured HK-47.

Tex cracked her neck and clipped her pistol to her hip. She ran across the room to the far corner. She jumped between the two touching walls, ascending with difficulty. Upon gaining enough altitude, she kicked off from the corner into a backflip. She spun through the air and caught one of the wires attaching the ceiling's circuitry to GLaDOS, and she slid down this onto her opponent's body.

Tex stared at the various buttons and openings along GLaDOS' frame, searching for a place to plug in the ice-breaker. She froze up.

HK-47 glared up at her. "Order: Plug it in, meatbag!" he yelled impatiently.

Tex swore. "I'm working on it!" she shot back. "I just... it..."

A spike curved down from the ceiling behind Tex.

"Here, let me help you," said GLaDOS. "In order to use a device like that, you should insert it approximately here."

"Son of a bi-!" swore Tex.

The spike sprang forward sharply and impaled Tex through the back of the head. It shattered the glass of her helmet, revealing that there was no flesh inside. Instead, the wound sent out sparks as Tex's body went limp. Her hands splayed in shock, dropping the ice-breaker.

"Exclamation: Gasp!" exclaimed HK. "She was non-organic the whole time. I cannot help but feel somewhat guilty. I would have insulted her less had I known this." He thought for a moment. "Clarification: Marginally less," he clarified.

GLaDOS let Tex slide forward off the spike and fall to the ground below. Her armour broke slightly on impact, but it had fared better than the ice-breaker, which had shattered completely on landing.

"Now then," said GLaDOS briskly, as the light on one of her cores flickered. "One down, two to go."

"Statement: Uh, we can discuss this," stated HK. "I'm sure you and I could reach an accord. You certainly share my view on organics."

"Not necessarily," replied GLaDOS. "I kill humans when they get in the way of testing. You seem to take joy out of it."

If he had had a mouth, HK-47 would have been smiling. "Guilty as charged."

"Whereas I reserve such enthusiasm only for Science. Tell me, where do you stand in terms to testing?"

HK-47 processed the question. "Answer: I have already perfected the use of all weapons I would care to use. Hence, experimentation is useless to me, as it can only fall outside of my field of expertise."

"In that case, we have nothing further to discuss," said GLaDOS, leaning the spike towards HK. "Enjoy Android Hell."

HK shot at it while backing away, but the spike didn't relent.

Just then, the lights flickered. Then, every electric fixture of the room failed, including GLaDOS. She groaned deeply as she deactivated, and then hung limply from the ceiling. Her cores likewise turned off.

HK-47 turned to see Clank crawl out of another air-vent.

"Query: And just where have you been?" queried HK-47.

"I decided that outright confrontation was not the best option," explained Clank, "so I found the power source for this facility, and disabled it."

"Statement: A wise, if boring, move. However, it is unlikely to stop our opponent for long."

"Agreed. Doubtlessly, she has a contingency plan for this occasion. However, it should give us some time to plan."

Without any motion detected by either of their sensors, the two robots found themselves in the bridge of a ship.

"Or... that could happen," said Clank uncertainly.

"Cool, robots!" said Deadpool, glancing up from his desk. "Identification numbers please."

HK-47 pointed his gun at Deadpool. "Demand: Explain what is going on, meatbag."

Deadpool raised his hands defensively. "Hey! First Law, First Law! And I'll have you know I work out daily, thank you."

"Pardon my companion, sir," smiled Clank. "He is quick with a blaster. Not unlike a friend of mine, actually, only more homicidal."

Deadpool examined the small robot for a few seconds. "Would that make you Clank?"

Clank blinked. "Yes, it would."

Deadpool leaned back and pressed a button on a console behind him, and then spoke into an intercom. "Ratchet to bridge," he called. "We've found the droid you're looking for."


More Star Wars quotes? Check. More reviews? Pending.