A/N: Can I just say that you guys are awesome? Yes? You. Guys. Are. Awesome.
Seriously? Over a 100 reviews for one chapter? Dudes, that's epic.
Also, I've been getting some questions about the rating for this story, and even for Mockingjay. I can tell you right now that I will not be changing the rating to M. I have nothing against M-rated fics. In fact, a lot of my favorite stories on this sight are rated M. But that's just not my thing and I don't really feel comfortable writing it. However, I can tell you that some chapters, both in this story and Mockingjay, will be a strong T, and could probably be considered borderline M. Some chapters I really did flirt with that M rating line, though I do think that I stayed in the T rating, hence why this story is rated T. So, no smut for these stories . . . but I can promise steaminess. :)
And another thing, I'm sorry I didn't get to reply to all of your reviews. I did try, I really did, and I think I got to about half of you, but I just couldn't find the time between classes to reply to all of you. Honestly, it takes more than two hours sometimes, because I really do like to reply to your reviews. Like, reply in paragraph form. But I just couldn't find the time to reply like I usually do. So, forgive me.
And blame my professors for making me do school-related things.
Okay, moving on, this chapter was tons of fun. A PK that screams at each other is always wonderful, in my opinion. So, without further ado, here's the chapter.
Today's Random Disclaimer quote comes from Capn' Jack!
Random Disclaimer: I do not own CF, though I do own a rather fantastic fedora; "Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?"; "Why is the rum always gone?";
Chapter 2
The mere twenty seconds it takes me to walk across the street to Peeta's house is not long enough. What do I say to him? Do I even knock on the door? He'd have to answer, wouldn't he? Does he even want to see me? I think back over our interactions since returning to 12. Oh, wait, there are none because he's been studiously ignoring me. Then again, I really haven't made an attempt to talk to him either.
I decide to just waltz in like I own the place. The door is unlocked, and I quietly close it behind me. I'm struck by how eerie Peeta's house feels. It doesn't have the homey vibe that I imagined it would. A single lamp is turned on in the living room, casting the rest of the shadowed downstairs in a soft, yellow light. I can smell nothing cooking in the kitchen, which strikes me as odd because I saw the way Peeta was practically drooling over all the appliances and ingredients he had at his disposal.
My eyes find the staircase that leads up to the second floor. The third stair squeaks, and I make a note of it for later reference. The rest of my ascent is soundless, and once I reach the second floor I continue down the hall until I reach the second door on the left.
What now?
"Peeta?" I keep my voice down, feeling the need in the already quiet house. I knock softly on the door. "Peeta, it's Katniss."
The door remains shut.
"Oh, come on, Mellark," I huff impatiently. "I know you're in there. Rye told me."
The door opens, and I'm momentarily rendered speechless. The last time I saw Peeta shirtless, he was dying and losing blood. His entire torso had been riddled with clawed gashes and scratches, a gruesome bite mark on his left forearm. But now his skin is flawless, the wide expanse of his chest is bare, and my fingertips tingle with the need to touch it.
"Katniss, my eyes are up here," Peeta says dryly.
My face flushes, and I tentatively look up to meet his eyes. They're guarded, which hurts, but I know that I deserve it. However, I'm not entirely certain, but I think I see a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes. "This isn't the first time you've seen me without a shirt," he says as he steps by me, shutting the door on his way out.
I don't see what's inside.
Peeta starts down the hallway, and I follow him. "It's the first time you aren't shirtless and dying," I say as we step into what appears to be his bedroom. The unmade bed and pile of dirty clothes in the corner add credence to my theory. My theory is confirmed when Peeta pulls out a t-shirt from a drawer.
I'm disappointed when he pulls the shirt over his head, hiding my view of him. Wait, since when did I ogle?
Peeta turns to me and crosses his arms over his chest as he leans against the far wall opposite me. "You said Rye sent you here."
"Yeah," I say as I take a step further into the room. "He's worried about you."
Peeta looks down at his feet, and I can feel the shame radiating off him. "What happened, Peeta?" I ask softly, taking a few more steps toward him. I'm in the middle of the room now.
"I don't know." Peeta runs a hand through his hair, and for the first time I notice the deep, purple bags under his eyes. "I just . . . it all came back. When he jumped me, it was like I was back in the arena. I saw Cato, not Rye." Peeta's eyes come up to meet mine. "For a moment, I thought about killing him. I was just in that state of mind, but it was Rye. My brother. I could have killed my own brother."
"You wouldn't have," I tell him surely.
"You don't know that."
"Yes I do." I steel myself and close the distance between us. Though it must be my imagination, I can feel a current running between us, electric. "You will always be Peeta, the very same Peeta that gave me the bread."
"I'm not the same person." Peeta shakes his head. "Everything I did in the arena, that wasn't me."
His words echo my own during our conversation along the train tracks. I had told him that I was a different person, but he had said that I wasn't. I'd told him that I didn't know who I was anymore, and he'd told me that I hadn't changed. I had. I'd known.
And now here was Peeta, apparently having the same problem. "Of course you're a different person," I tell him a bit more harshly than I intended. "We survived the Hunger Games, Peeta. That changes someone."
"I don't want to be a piece in their games!" Peeta shouts, shocking me into silence. He must see my reaction, because he lowers his voice as he continues. "I want to still be me. I don't want them to change me. I don't know how to . . . how to reconcile what I did, what I've done . . ."
"And you know, it'd probably be easier if everyone didn't treat me like some pariah," he mutters resentfully. "My mother hasn't said a word to me since she got back. Dad treats me like I'm . . . better than him, or something. Telling me that I don't have to work at the bakery, and that I don't have to do anything. Chris just looks at me like he doesn't know me. Thank god, Rye is still treating me like normal otherwise I'd probably go insane!"
I open my mouth to say something, but Peeta interrupts. "And you, I thought I would have you. I wasn't naïve enough to think that everything would be the same when we got back, but I thought I'd have you, and that didn't make it seem so bad."
Guilt rushes through me. "You do have me."
Peeta raises his eyebrows, questioning. "Do I?" he asks. "Because after the train, I'm not so sure."
"What do you want me to say, Peeta?" I snap. "What do you want? A proclamation of my undying love? Do you want it in writing?"
"Hey, if you want to do that, be my guest," Peeta gestures grandly. "The paper is in the desk."
I'm shocked and furious at his words, at his tone. Never would I have imagined Peeta being purposefully mocking, his words meant to hurt. My ire rises. "Just who do you think you are? You're not acting like my Peeta!"
"Your Peeta?" Peeta repeats. "So I can be yours, but you can't be mine? God, are you really that selfish?"
"I never said I wasn't yours!" I yell.
"You didn't say anything!" Peeta shouts back at me. "You apologized and then took off! I don't know what to think! In the Games, it seemed pretty clear. I thought that there was love in your eyes, I believed you. But maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe it was all a part of a plan, to keep sponsors."
"Well that was your plan wasn't it?" I retort angrily. "Use our relationship to get them to like us? That was your idea Peeta, not mine!"
"I was doing it to save you!" Peeta seethes. "Everything I did was to save you!"
"And I did everything I could to save you!" I scream. "Because I couldn't lose you! I couldn't let you die!"
"Why?" Peeta demands. "Did you do it because you love me or because you felt like you owed me?"
"Why can't it be both?"
"Because that's not how love works!" Peeta snaps furiously. "It's not some business deal!"
"No, but it is 'give and take'!" I retort. "But not because we feel like we owe each other. We give love because we want to make the other happy, and we take the happiness that the other's actions give us! I, of all people, should not be the one explaining this to you!"
Unable to be in his presence any longer, too afraid that I'll say something that I'll regret, I spin on my heel and stomp out of his house, slamming the door behind me. Satisfaction fills me when the sound seems to reverberate through the entire village.
I look up at the sky. It's maybe half an hour past dawn. Plenty of time to escape into the woods. I'm at the Meadow in no time, and sliding under the fence in the next second. The moment I'm surrounded by the tall, green trees I feel myself begin to relax. Slowly, my muscles unwind one by one as the sounds of the forest come to life around me.
I grab my bow from its hiding place and take a moment to run my hand over the wood. This is my bow. Not the metal, Capitol one I'd used in the Games. I pull back the string, and it almost gives me the feeling that I'd never left 12.
I sling my quiver over my shoulder and make my way to what used to be my safe haven. Gale is not there when I arrive at our little hiding place, but I still sit down on the rock and gaze out over the valley. It hasn't changed a bit. Everything here is the same.
I'm the only thing that's different.
I had started out in the Games so sure of myself and my course. I was going to try to win for Prim. Falling in love with my district partner was not a part of my plan by any means. Hell, falling in love wasn't even a part of my plan for life in general. But here I am, in love with Peeta Mellark.
And also incredibly pissed at him.
How could he be so hypocritical? Didn't I say that we were different people now that we'd won the Games? Didn't I tell him that I was confused? How I didn't know who I am anymore? And he'd been so sure that I was still me. That I hadn't changed. He was so sure that everything would work out.
I think it's safe to say that everything most definitely did not work out.
However, I still can't help but feel guilty for my role in his current state. He was right. I hadn't said anything when he'd asked if I loved him. He did have every right to question me. But honestly, did I need to say it? Couldn't he tell? Prim thought that it was obvious that I loved him. And, apparently, Rye thought so as well. Why couldn't Peeta see it?
"Didn't expect to see you here."
I spin around so fast that I almost fall over. "Gale."
Gale smiles. "Hey, Catnip."
I'm on my feet, throwing my arms around him in the next second. He holds me tightly, and I can't help but make comparisons between Gale and Peeta. Physically, they couldn't be more different. Peeta is broader, but Gale is taller. Gale has the Seam look—straight dark hair, grey eyes, olive skin. Peeta has contrasting curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. Even their personalities contrast completely. The best way to describe it, to me, would be to say that Gale is fire and Peeta is ice.
Gale pulls away and seems to look me over. "You look different."
I shrug. "Take it up with my prep team," I say. "I think it's called beauty base zero."
"You don't need it."
I blush, never being one to accept a compliment graciously. "Thanks," I say awkwardly. I glance at the three rabbits that are hanging from his belt. "Snare line did well."
Gale looks down at the rabbits and shrugs. "There's always room for improvement."
"Hmm," I murmur, feeling awkward, and it unsettles me. Things were always easy between Gale and me. To lose that would be something that I don't believe I'm prepared for.
"Haven't seen you around," Gale says after a moment.
"Been busy," I reply. "There was the banquet when we got back, and then Parcel day."
That was probably the only truly good thing about winning the Hunger Games. Watching the supply train come in and seeing kids running around with cans of fruit and vegetables. I even saw some candy bars. Knowing that the train would come by once a month for a year made me feel as though I'd done something right by winning the Games.
Gale and I are silent for a long time. Before the Games this wouldn't have bothered me. Neither Gale nor I are very big with words, and I'd always been able to practically read his thoughts anyway. It bothers me that I can't seem to do that anymore.
"You know, you don't have to pretend anymore," Gale says. "The Games are over."
His words confuse me. "Pretend what?"
"You and Mellark," he explains. "Now that you're back in 12, you can drop the act."
"What act?" I ask, and Gale looks at me like I'm being incredibly dense. I probably am.
"That you're in love with him, Katniss," Gale snaps. "The Capitol can't control you, now. You're safe here."
I remember President Snow when he'd crowned me victor. The hatred, the blame shining in his eyes. The danger. No, I'm not safe. But I can't tell Gale this. With his rage against the Capitol boiling just underneath the surface, I can't risk him blowing a gasket. For someone like Gale, this would be just the right incentive.
But I can't allow Gale to think that my relationship with Peeta is an act. It's not fair to him. "I'm not pretending, Gale."
Now, it's Gale's turn to act dense. "What?"
"I'm not pretending," I tell him. "It's not an act, Gale. I really do love Peeta."
Gale stares at me, searching my face for any sign of hesitancy or falsity. Suddenly, he turns away from me and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "You're kidding me, right? Mellark?"
I frown. "What's wrong with Peeta?" I ask. "He saved my life, Gale."
"No, you saved his," Gale retorts. "He would have died if it weren't for you."
"And I would have been a goner for sure if I'd been alone when the Careers attacked us!" I remind him.
"I knew it." Gale almost seems to be talking more to himself than to me. "I knew it. I didn't want to believe it . . ."
"Why is it so hard to believe?" I ask confused.
"Oh, I don't know. Could it possibly be the fact that you've been adamant for years that you would never fall in love?" Gale asks sarcastically, and chagrin rushes through me. "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."
"What?" I question confused. "What was supposed to happen?"
"You were supposed to fall in love with me!" Gale finally shouts. "Me, Katniss! I was going to wait for you! I was going to try to convince you that it would be worth it!" Gale looks at me, his eyes asking for me to understand. "Come on, Catnip, think about it. Think of how good we'd be together. It just makes sense! We understand each other like no one else. We're both so alike." I can only stare blankly at him. Gale loves me?
"Can you imagine what it was like for me?" he asks. "To watch you fall for him? For a merchant? Someone who you don't have a thing in common with? He couldn't be more different from you! Besides, Catnip, think. You've known Mellark for what, a month, really? You've had years with me, and you fall for him?"
"Gale, I—"
Suddenly, my lips are no longer able to speak because Gale's mouth is on mine. It takes me a second before I realize that Gale is kissing me. Gale Hawthorne, my best friend, kissing me. I can't help but compare Gale and Peeta once again. Gale's embrace is rougher, his lips more urgent, his hands tighter on my hips. Peeta is always so gentle with me, so loving that the tenderness nearly overwhelms me. Of course, that's not to say there isn't passion in Peeta's kiss. A brief flash of a heated kiss we shared in the cave flits through my mind, and I remember the fire that burned my viens in the most delicious way . . .
And while there is fire in Gale's kiss, I don't feel anything. There's no warmth in my chest, no fire in my stomach. But I sense something, something like what could have been.
I pull away, stepping out of his embrace. "I'm sorry, Gale," I say softly. "But I can't."
"Can't what? Love me?" he replies, his voice still persuasive. "Have you even tried?"
"It wouldn't matter," I tell him, trying to be as gentle as possible. This is painful enough for me. "It's always been Peeta . . . I just didn't realize it."
Gale stares at me a long time before his face hardens, turning to stone. The pain that courses through me nearly knocks the wind out of me. I don't want to hurt him, but there's no avoiding this. I'm not only grieving for him, but for me. I feel as though I burned a bridge, one that can never be rebuilt. Gale and I will never be the same. The relationship we had once is gone, and I don't know how to create another, one that works with Peeta in the picture. I hate that it seems as though I'm losing my best friend.
"Guess I just had to try," Gale says, his voice sounding distant. "Just once." He turns away from me and begins to walk away. "Goodbye, Katniss."
I can only stare at his retreating form until he's gone from my sight. Suddenly, the woods are not comforting. They seem confining, towering over me, making me feel vulnerable. My feet begin to move, and before I know it, I'm sprinting through the forest, my destination clear in my mind.
The lake that my father showed me—our secret place—the place where I always feel as though he's still with me.
And I need him now more than ever.
Wow, Katniss just can't seem to catch a break, can she?
Sooooo . . . lots of stuff happened this chapter! This chapter is a favorite of mine because in PK's argument, we get to see just how much Katniss has evolved and how much Peeta has yet to evolve, which is kinda the opposite of what you would expect. After all, Katniss actually won that argument. Anyhoo, this story is really great for Peeta's character in particular, because even though he's definitely the most mature of the bunch, there's still a ton of room for him to grow, and I loved writing that. For those of you who adore Peeta (who doesn't anyway?) you will love Peeta in this story. Frankly, he has some pretty badass moments. All that awesome stuff he did in Someone? Yeah, that's tame compared to some of the things he does in this story, just sayin'. ;)
Also, I know Peeta seemed a little out of sorts this chapter and maybe just a little OOC. He was rather spiteful, but he's dealing with PTSD. I think he's owed a little OOC.
And Gale! He's come in and made Katniss's morning even more of a bummer. Don't worry, everything will be dealt with quickly, as I promised before.
Alrighty now! Next chapter is strictly Katniss, involves a memory, and we meet another new character! She's adorable, let me tell ya. And so, so cute!
Lots of love,
AC
P.S. For those of you who not only memorize the days I update, but also the time of the day when I update, I have to warn you that I'm not posting as early as I did for Someone. For that story, I typically updated around 2 in the morning. Safe to say with school going on, that wouldn't be a wise thing to do now. So updates are comin' around 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning, my time. Which is Central Time in the US. Just to let you guys know, especially my European readers. :)
