Decisions
The executioner was he already! It was too late! Except, he was treating the horse gently, kindly, lovingly even.
I walked closer. It was dark, and I could only see the silhouette of the man. I saw enough to know, though, that he was crying into the horse's mane. I wanted to help, to know what was wrong, but how could I? I didn't even know who this was.
Hesitantly, I took slow, tentative steps towards Falada. The steps thudded, alerting the person of my arrival. He – it was a he – looked up. He came out of the shadows.
It was Mubdi.
Once again, I had met up with my childhood friend. And once again – although this wasn't something I knew at the time – he would come to the rescue.
'Falada is to be executed,' was all I said. He already knew this would hurt me, with Mubdi I didn't have to explain myself.
He stopped crying.
'Anidori! I thought you were dead.'
'No, but Falada will be.'
He seemed to realise that I was in a rush.
'What do you want to do?'
I considered this.
'The guard outside was friendly. Perhaps he would be willing to help.' I paused. 'For payment.'
'Offer him your ring.'
He reached inside a pouch tied around his neck. Out of it came my solid gold ring that was decorated with jewels. It had been a goodbye present from my nurse.
'Thankyou Mubdi.' I walked outside and Mubdi followed me. Outside I went to the guard.
'May I ask you to do a very big favour for me?'
'Ask away. There is a beautiful horse in there, who is about t be murdered. You can recognise him by the scars across his back. Could you please rescue him?' I tried as hard as I could to make him see how exasperated I was.
'Why is he to be murdered?'
'The princess from Pu is holding a grudge against him. He is sweet and good-tempered.'
'If the princess has ordered it, I am taking a big risk trying to save him. What do I get in return?'
'This valuable ring.'
I held it up and he examined it.
'It seems real. And we can't have an innocent horse die now, can we?'
I liked this man.
'Okay, I'll do it.' I sighed in relief.
'Thank you.' I handed him the ring. 'Good luck.'
I waved him goodbye and turned to Mubdi. Now there was time for proper hellos.
'It's been so long.'
'I am glad to find you alive, Ani.'
'You can't call me that.'
Mubdi looked offended. 'I called you that at home. Aren't we friend's anymore?'
I laughed, making Mubdi eve more dejected. 'It isn't that. Here I am Samaiya.'
'Samaiya. That works. Is there no nickname I can give you though?'
I smiled. 'Of course, all my friends called me Aiya.'
He laughed. Well, maid Aiya, we must talk somewhere. Privately.'
In all sensibility, there was nothing funny. It was outrageous that I had to change my name at the palace I was supposed to be ruling.
'You can come to my room. You'll have to go somewhere else tonight though.'
'An acquaintance of mine has sleeping arrangements organised.'
We walked inside and, once safe, I told him my story. He sympathised with me, gasped at the right moments, and I felt much better after telling him my story.
'And now I must find out what happened to you after we last parted.'
'Well, when I returned, the news of your safety near nursed them both to health. Well, it may have partly been my doing. So after a week or so we got up and started returning the way we had come from. When we arrived to our campsite – well…' He broke off. His voiced changed.
'I'm sorry, Ani, but there was nothing that could be done. It was a wreck. But we did find some things. Your ring, a necklace, a poem lying on the ground. I gathered it and put it in my pouch. Then I decided to come back and find you. Then one night when I was fast asleep, I woke up and was somewhere else completely. At first I panicked, but things seemed safe so I continued until I got here. That was about two hours later. So I can just go back there to sleep again.'
Mubdi removed the pouch around his neck. I took it and shook the necklace and folded paper into my hand. It was a sweet poem from my nurse. Strictly speaking, it was from a book, but it was a poem I had been raised with. She read it to me every night before bed, and it was something I turned to during harsh times. Like now.
She copied it out for me to accompany the ring when I left. I opened it up and read it.
I have hoped, I have planned, I have striven,
To the will I have added the deed;
The best that was in me I've given,
I have prayed, but the gods would not heed.
I have dared and reached only disaster,
I have battled and broken my lance;
I am bruised by a pitiless master
That the weak and the timid call Chance.
I am old, I am bent, I am cheated
Of all that Youth urged me to win;
But name me not with the defeated,
To-morrow again, I begin.
Tomorrow I could start afresh, now with Mubdi by my side, and help on the way. Tonight I would think of a plan, tomorrow I could carry it out.
'Thankyou Mubdi. You have helped me greatly. Do you have any suggestions about taking down Arae?'
His face whitened. 'Take down Arae? You aren't going to kill her, are you?'
'No. I should like to, but I'm not that strong.'
'Why should you kill Arae? All she has done is tried to get what she feels is rightfully hers. She has always been poor, working to survive. How much do you really know about her? You feel that she had cheated you of the throne, but was does she feel. Perhaps she thinks you have cheated her of a life she should have had. Did she want to marry the Prince?'
'I don't know. But murder is not the right way to do this.'
'What is the right way then?'
I became indignant. 'To earn his love!'
'Oh, so is this what you did? Get him to fall in love with you?"
'I had no say in the matter.' I was coming dangerously close to losing myself. 'It was not my wish to marry the prince.'
'Well there we go. You didn't want it. In Arae's eyes you were being an ungrateful, spoiled brat. Everything she ever wanted was yours, and now you were to wed a prince.'
'That is how life works. I had no say.'
'Clearly that isn't what Arae thinks. You are the eldest princess of Pu, and yet you had no say.'
'Why are you defending Arae, Mubdi?'
He said nothing. I didn't understand.
'Mubdi? Why? You are acting ludicrously. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you love her. '
Still no reply. Could it be that- no, it couldn't, it didn't make sense. But…
'You do, don't you. How could you! What, what's in it for you? You don't even know her?'
His voice softened. He began pacing around my room.
'I know her a good deal more than you think. Since she moved to the palace when she was thirteen we became friends. That was about the time you abandoned me. While you wandered around the palace, to superior for anyone, we became friends.'
'So, were you part of Arae's plot?'
'No, I didn't know of it. You were once my good friend, I couldn't harm you in that way. Arae knew that.'
'You are harming me now.'
'I am trying to help you. Perhaps you should try seeing as Arae sees. It could help. '
'Clearly you know, since you love her so much. She tried to kill me, Mubdi. Arae wanted me dead. She wanted Falada dead. How can you sympathise with her after that.'
'I don't agree with what she did. But perhaps that was the only method she could think of. Perhaps fear and longing overtook her sense. After all, Anidori,' his voice was still quiet, yet it was severe. 'How many people have you killed?'
'I have never murdered someone!'
'Not intentionally, perhaps. But I'm sure that you condemned someone, indirectly caused them pain or death. Did you think of that?'
I faltered.
'I'm going to go know, Anidori. Don't try to look for me, you'll never find me. Sleep well.'
He left. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me. I had trusted him, needed him. Then I found out he loved Arae, the enemy.
I curled up in a ball on my bed. How could Mubdi do this to me?
He must truly love her, to be able to put himself in her mind. Perhaps she shared secrets with him. Perhaps she loved him too. Or perhaps he shared feelings with her. Maybe he secretly agreed with her, to a point.
He would never kill me, though. He wasn't a murderer. That was Arae's job.
Had I murdered?
Because of my selfishness, my love for Falada, a man that I didn't even know the name of was endangering his life tonight. Mubdi had pretended to go along with this, but what did he really think.
I thought of the men who had accompanied me on the journey. Of thirty to forty men, four had survived. This was provided Mubdi's two companions had made it to the Palace alive.
And even before that. So many men I had fired, or helped fire, given evidence against, causing them to be banished. I had never spent a moment of my time considering what might have happened to them- where they would live, what would they eat, would they be happy.
Suddenly I had a distant memory, something I hadn't thought about for at least a year.
I was running through the woods with my little friend, Kiara, when we came to a fork in the path.
'I want to go down the pretty one,' she had said. One was bright and friendly, the other dark and scary.
'So do I.' she started towards it.
'No, we can't both go.' I commanded. 'We will never know what would have happened. You go down that one.'
She clearly didn't want to, but I talked her into it.
Take one thousand steps, and then come back. That was what we had agreed. I did just that, then went back to wait at the tree. I sat there for hours. I could have gone in, but I was too afraid. I waited and waited, wanting her to come back. The sun went down. I fell asleep, and awoke in my bed at home.
I assumed Kiara had been saved too, but she hadn't. They didn't find her until noon the next day. She was badly hurt, and refused to talk. After a year of her silence, her mother (my mother's lady in waiting at the time) sent her away to the country, where she would hopefully recover.
I never found out if she was okay, requested her forgiveness.
Perhaps Mubdi was right. I was only eight, and I certainly hadn't intended for her to get hurt, but I did account for trauma. It should have been me that was hurt, not her. She was always nice and kind. I was selfish and spoiled.
So now I was back to square one, no more help from Mubdi. It was the same as before his arrival. It shouldn't have hurt much, but it did.
Maybe because I loved him, because I needed him to love me in return.
No, I could tell that it wasn't. It didn't feel that way with him. I didn't love anyone, at least, not yet.
I pulled out my poem, the one my nurse gave me, and read it again. I was cold, but I couldn't bring myself to get under the covers of my bed. That was false warmth, artificial warmth. I needed to deserve warmth, the warmth of knowing I had done the right thing. Blankets wouldn't help me there.
So I just kept reading, over and over.
I had lost Mubdi, my family, my friends, my horse, nearly all my possessions. I wasn't even me anymore. But I could try again tomorrow, give happiness another attempt.
I kept reading. The words started to blur, to jumble. The page became wet from my tears. I began rereading lines, scanning others. Eventually I fell into a harsh, restless sleep full of bad dreams. At least there, though, I was safe.
If you want to know the author of the poem, it is S.E. Kiser, and it is called Unsubdued.
Reviews are greatly welcomed.
