Chapter 14: Goodbye

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Time is a funny thing, isn't it? It was a year to the day, and I found myself in the same exact place— standing over the waves and staring out toward the city. The past few weeks had been such a blur to me, and I knew the previous couple of days had left me even more confused. I had spent the day of New Year's celebration hungover and hopeless, but now I knew I had to get out of the house... to go to the place I could always find comfort. And so there I was, standing in the spot where I had first hoped that things would change.

I wondered what had happened to me. Had I become a different person than the one who stood there the day that ferry came in? I had been through so many ups and downs, so much change and unchange, I had to wonder if any of it had even mattered at all. It seemed like it was the same Karen who had always been standing there, and that despite everything, it was back to the way it had started.

But it wasn't the same, and apparently it did matter, or else it wouldn't have hurt so much. I knew the Karen standing there a year ago didn't have the same capacity to feel, or even to love, and that she had now become free of the routine that had trapped her before. So much had happened that she, back then, couldn't even have imagined. And I realized then that that was life, and that despite its cruel sense of humor, time didn't run in circles. Whether I was temperamental or stubborn, I'd never be the same person I was then. The year had forever changed me.

And I knew that was why I was wondering whether or not I should leave. My motives were different from before, because now I knew that you could escape routine, even in Flower Bud Village. But I had messed up somewhere, and I had hurt the people I loved the most. I still loved Jack, and I knew if I explained everything truthfully to him that it was more than likely he'd forgive me and put it all behind us... but I didn't think I could do that myself. I had been defined by him, and even changed for the better... but for some reason, I could never make it complete. I would always lose myself again without him. So I knew I had to find myself away from everyone who had always known me, and that the best place to do that was in the city. I had saved up more than enough by now. All I needed was the courage to go.

I sat down on the edge of the pier and let my feet skim the water. If I knew one thing about myself, it was that I would always be at peace around the ocean. We could relate. Tonight it was calm, but I knew that at times it could be unruly and even dangerous. Its waves rolled up and down, and it was always the same— yet always changing. It was definitely comforting to be there, even with everything that it had brought me. It made me wonder what things lay in store.

Just as I let myself slip into peace, it was disturbed again. I detected the sound of someone walking across the sand easily. The only thing I didn't know was who it was that was walking toward me at that moment. I didn't turn and look, because I had a feeling I knew who it might be. I felt a rush of emotions at once. Would he change my mind and make me stay? Did I want him to be coming to me when I had thought I had made my decision?

But none of that mattered, because I was wrong. It wasn't Jack. It was Kai. My heart immediately calmed down at the sight of him, along with the feelings of dislike I had been feeling for him lately. In fact, he had thrown me so completely off guard that the only thing I could do was let him sit down next to me and stick his feet in the water. We sat in silence for a bit, while he waited to see if I would leave. I didn't.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"I just thought you'd like to know," he told me, "that I'm leaving tomorrow."

I turned to face him. "Wait... what?" I replied, shocked.

"Yeah, I'm headed toward the city. Your dad made a few calls, and they have a job lined up for me already. I guess I can be grateful for that."

"But Kai... you can't just leave! What about our vineyard? What about everyone in the village that you've grown up with? What abou—"

"Karen, your vineyard has been better than you or I have ever seen it this year, and it's not because of me. I'm sure you already know who is responsible for that." He paused. "And as for the villagers... well, none have ever been especially close. You and your family have been the only ones to ever truly care for me, and whose opinion I ever really cared about. And now... well, I've screwed up everything. I don't expect you or your parents or Jack to ever forgive me, and I probably don't even deserve it. I think it's best for everyone if I go."

My feelings of anger and resentment towards Kai had been great, and I knew they had been justified. But I knew that he deserved forgiveness, because he wasn't entirely to blame.

"Look, Kai..." I started, "what you did was bad. Actually, it was horrible. But it wasn't just you. I had known it was wrong... my instincts had told me better several times. I could have pushed you away until I knew better, but I didn't, because I wanted it too. And we both messed up. I didn't deal with it the right way at all... I didn't even know how. I know I can't forgive you right now, but I know that if you go away, I'll never have the chance to. And I really do want that, in the end."

He sighed and looked out over the ocean. "I don't know, Karen. I feel pretty lost right now."

Reality hit me with this statement. Kai and I were two people in the same boat, and I began to understand just how he felt. I knew both of us wanted to go to the city to find ourselves, but I wondered if it was for the best. I wondered if it would hurt more than it helped.

"Would our past slip away from us if we went?" I asked, a bit dazed.

"What? We?" Kai asked, confused.

I shook my head. "Oh, I don't know. It's just..." I hesitated. "Well, I've been thinking about going away too. Just for a little while."

"But why, Karen? You are nowhere near as guilty as I am. Besides, your family loves you, your friends love you, Jack loves you... I can't see you leaving them." Kai said, looking at me sincerely.

"I know. It's probably stupid. I just... I don't know, Kai. I feel like I haven't found out who I'm supposed to be yet, I guess," I explained.

"Karen, I understand. I know it has been hard for you this year, especially after losing your memory for so long. But I want you to think this through. Know that you can find yourself no matter where you're at. You have people who care for you and want to help you. That doesn't mean they have to tell you what you believe. You find it out by being yourself."

Kai had pinned me straight on. I knew what he was saying. I just didn't know what I should do.

"Yeah, thanks Kai. But what about you? Are you really leaving?" I asked. I really was concerned. I couldn't see the vineyard without Kai, despite what he had done and how I had been acting towards him. But I could see why he was making his decision, and I knew I could not easily change it.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go. I may be back, but I really don't know. I guess we just have to see where time takes me," he said, leaning back on his arms.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "I guess we'll see."

We sat without speaking for a long time. I had never felt this at peace with Kai. I had never understood him so much. I didn't know whether or not I would follow his advice, but I knew now it would be harder to leave without more thought on the matter. He had a reason, and was willing to go, knowing that it would help the tension within our household. And I knew he would be okay on his own. I wasn't sure if I would be.

After awhile I turned back to face him. "Hey, Kai?" I asked, and he looked over toward me. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"It's okay, Karen. You shouldn't apologize," he replied.

"And I will miss you when you go."

"I'll miss you too," he said, with a smile.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I watched with my family as Kai boarded the ferry the following morning. I knew it wasn't as big of a deal as it would have been if any of the other villagers had been leaving, and I felt a bit angry at this... Kai deserved more than just a simple goodbye. But afterall it was Kai, and I knew he didn't care. As the boat left the dock, he turned back and waved. We all waved back, temporarily forgetting the hostility we had all felt toward him, and remembering him as the Kai who had grown up within our house. It would be different without him there, that was for sure. But I hoped it was for the best for him, and for us, in the end. Most of all, I hoped that the next time I saw him I would be ready to forgive him.

I was sure that I would be.