Chapter 15: Ebb and Flow
Oh the choices we make, the grounds we break.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The following days slipped by like sand through my fingers. While the vast majority of my life had been dominated by slow monotony, the eighteenth year of my life was now whizzing by. It wasn't necessarily that I had a lot to do... rather, it was that I was avoiding something I had to do. I knew I had come so far in the past year and that I was an inch away from becoming the change I envisioned for myself. But there was still something holding me back, and I wasn't sure exactly what it was.
I often put aside my thoughts by concentrating on Ann and the planning of her wedding with Cliff. The day of the ceremony was quickly approaching however, and I knew that after the bouquet had been tossed and the last drunken villager had gone home I would be left alone with my whirring mind again.
"Hey, Karen..." Ann said to me one morning in late spring, while she frantically turned the pages of a bridal magazine on her bed. I looked toward her, knowing that she was about to repeat the same things I had heard over and over again for the past season. "Have you made sure Lillia and Popuri remembered to order those Pink Cats? And I hope you told Elli to make sure she is baking the cake with yellow batter, because you know how Cliff hates chocolate, and I really don't want him to be making a huge deal about it at the reception— that really wouldn't look too good on our wedding day, y'know? Oh, and can you go check later to see if Maria has that poem my brother requested looked up... and do you have all of the wine bottles ready? Door to Heaven would be preferable, but if that's setting you back too much we could just go for the-"
"Ann!" I yelled, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her out of her monologue. "You're doing it again. Believe me, everything is under control, I've already talked with the others this morning."
"God, Karen, sorry. You know how I am just anxious about it all... I never really thought this day would come so soon."
"Heh, well, me neither," I replied. "But then again, you always did have that spontaneous spirit..."
Ann pushed me so quickly I almost fell off of the bed.
"Hey! Are you suggesting that I'm only marrying Cliff for the thrill?"
"Err, welllll..." I laughed. Ann gave me a hard stare. "No, no... of course not, weirdo. I know it's love and all that."
"Good," Ann replied, sticking out her tongue. "Even though it is pretty exciting. I can't believe it's only next week!"
"Yeah, seriously..." I said, a bit too dryly.
Ann gave me a quizzical look. I hadn't told her the details of my and Jack's reunion, but I had told her that we had broken up. She was uncommonly quiet about the matter, leaving me to bring it up when I wanted, but never pushing it. I loved her for that.
"Oh, it's nothing," I replied quickly. "I mean, it's just that, well, Jack will be there and all. I've managed to carefully avoid him for so long that I'm not sure what to do now. We'll be standing right across from each other during the ceremony, since I'm your Maid of Honor and he's the Best Man. And God, dancing will be awkward..."
"Oh Karen, I'm so sorry." Ann said, frowning. "But you know, you have to face him sometime. And besides," she continued, "I think it will do you both some good to see each other again. It's been nearly a season..."
"Yeah, I guess," I replied, halfheartedly. "Thanks. And I definitely won't let this spoil your big day, don't worry," I smiled.
"I know," Ann said, returning my smile while rubbing my shoulder. "Now, where were we?"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Before I knew it, the day of Ann's wedding had arrived. I was almost as nervous and excited as she was as I helped her get ready, but I could still feel the tight knot in my stomach that had been lurking there over the course of the morning.
"Ahh!" Ann shrieked, darting back and forth from her room to the bathroom in a wild craze. "Where's my mascara!"
I held it up casually for my friend. "Ann, you seriously need to calm down. You're going to explode before you even change into your dress at this rate. And I don't really want to go and ruin the whole event by having to explain to Cliff why the room is decorated in Guts de Ann," I said, putting a fake French accent on the last three words.
"Eww, Karen. Thanks," she replied, somewhere in between amused and grossed out.
I helped her finish with her hair and make-up, then waited while she carefully put on her dress. She came out a few minutes later beaming and glowing in layers of white.
"Wow, Ann," I remarked, as soon as she walked back into the room. "I'm blown away, and I can't even imagine the look Cliff's going to have on his face when he first sees you."
Ann giggled. "I guess I'm glad my dad talked me out of the overalls after all..."
The ceremony was as lovely as a wedding ceremony could be— and as hard as I tried to focus on the young couple, I couldn't help but feel that Jack was watching me at every moment. I knew that in all likelihood he was probably respectfully watching Ann and Cliff along with the rest of the town, but I could not bring my eyes to settle on him in case he was to return my look. The second the vows were exchanged and Ann and Cliff were pronounced man and wife, I was in a hurry to get out of there. I took Jack's arm, trying to touch it as little as possible, avoided all eye contact and conversation, and let go the second we exited the church. I hugged the newly betrothed couple, and we set off for the reception, which was to be held at the bar.
As soon as we arrived, I hurried into the back room. Even though I had stopped working at the bar after my accident, Duke still happily let me use the back room as a hideout from the rest of the town on occasion. I used the precious alone time to leisurely change out of my Maid of Honor heels, which had been killing my feet, and into some more comfortable sandals. Checking my reflection in some stacked glasses, I rearranged my bangs so that they were out of my eyes. The rest of my hair was pulled back into a bun, reminding me of my mother. My skin was a ghostly white with only a tinge of pink on my cheeks, a result of an infrequent application of powder and blush. I rubbed some of it off with my hand. My face had matured in the past year. I no longer looked so boisterous and sarcastic, which I was grateful for in the long run. My eyes still glowed emerald green, but I could tell that they were dimmed with a mark of sadness.
I blinked a few times and shook myself from my thoughts. I knew I still had things to take care of for Ann, and that I would have to go back into the crowded room eventually. I took one last look at myself and then left, putting on a smile as I entered the main room. Guests were laughing, drinking, and congratulating a jubilant Cliff and Ann. I noticed Duke was busy serving drinks and chatting happily with the out-of-towners. I scanned the room automatically to find Jack, who was surprisingly nowhere to be seen. I walked over to Ann, who was currently being bombarded by a gushing aunt.
"Hey," I whispered to her, not wanting to make too big of a deal out of it, "do you happen to know where Jack went?"
Ann looked around for a moment and then shrugged. "Sorry, Kare. Did you need him for something?"
I shook my head.
"Never mind," I said. "I'm sure he's just using the bathroom or something."
I walked around the room, greeting villagers who were slowly becoming more and more intoxicated, as well as a sea of noisy, red-haired relatives of Ann's who kept asking me if I was Cliff's sister. I explained that we were cousins and that my family was really the only family he had. They nodded and smiled at me absentmindedly and resumed drinking and conversing. I made my way over to Duke, who was still gracefully filling drink after drink like an old pro.
"Need any help?" I asked him, looking for something to keep me busy.
He flashed me a smile. "I don't know, am I going to have to start paying you again?" he asked teasingly. I stuck my tongue out and took a couple glasses of champagne from the counter and to the guests. Some, mostly rather tipsy villagers, pulled me close to them and asked when the big day would come for me. I laughed it off and shrugged, telling them I hoped I would someday be half as happy as Ann.
After awhile I started to feel queasy, especially after being asked yet again by a giggly Popuri if Jack was now available. Fortunately my mother overheard that time and came over. She comfortingly put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me away, excusing us by saying that the bride needed something. I smiled and gave her a grateful "thank you."
At that moment, a flushed and jubilant Doug stood and clinked his glass with his fork, preparing to make a toast. I took the opportunity to again slip from the room, this time outdoors, so that I could have some fresh air.
To my surprise, I wasn't alone. Aside from a rambunctious May, Stu, and Kent playing tag, there on the wooden steps of the bar sat Jack, watching the kids run around and obviously deep in thought. I was unsure of whether or not to say anything and turned to go back inside when he caught sight of me.
"Hey, Karen," he said. "Escaping for a moment too?"
I smiled in spite of myself. "Caught red-handed," I said, instantly hoping that it didn't remind him of our encounter on the beach that day.
Fortunately he didn't seem to notice, and motioned for me to come sit next to him. I did, and we sat silently for a few minutes.
"Hey," I said, finally. "I'm sorry for avoiding you."
He looked over at me for a moment but said nothing, picking at the ground in front of him.
"I mean, I guess I shouldn't be the one treating you like this. It should be the other way around. I feel like I am deserving of so much more anger and disgust by you; and yet you are too nice to me as you have always been. You never told the villagers what I did, and yet I feel as though I should be publically shunned."
He looked up at me now, his eyes moving across my face. He took a breath.
"I'll be honest, Karen. I was mad at first. Really mad. I wanted to throw things, to beat Kai into the pile of crap that he is, to give up and move back to the city. I had come back that day with the good news that my father was going to be fine, and I wanted so badly to see you, to hold you and celebrate with you... only to find you... you and Kai, well... you know. I never felt such pain in my entire life. I didn't know what to do," he said, honestly, plainly.
My heart fell. I didn't know what I had wanted him to say, but I knew that I had to hear it. He looked back down at the ground again.
"I didn't know what had happened between when I had left and when I returned to make you forget about me so quickly," he continued. "I thought you were different than that, that you had moved past your monumental mood swings. I even thought for a second you had just been playing me the whole time so that you would have something to do. I was so close to leaving. But then," he paused, breathing in and letting it out slowly, "then I received a visit from the very same person I wanted to destroy. "
I looked over at him, shocked.
"Kai came to you?" I asked, unaware that this had happened.
"Yeah, he did. And I wanted to hit him, to tell him to get the hell away from me and never speak to me again. But he insisted. He explained the whole story to me— how you had gotten thrown out to sea, lost your memory, and didn't actually know that you and I were together, and how he idiotically took advantage of the situation. How you weren't to blame at all, and that he was the lowest of the lows. I didn't believe it at first. I couldn't believe no one had told me. But I did feel relieved. I was still angry, but not at you." Jack smiled, looking at me again.
"But that's the thing, Jack. I feel like you should be angry at me. I knew I should have waited for my memory to come back before I did anything... and not to mention, I was an idiot trying to swim toward the city and find you in the first place. Man, I was so pathetic." I frowned.
"Yeah, well I'm not saying that all of your moves were brilliant," he chuckled, and then became serious again. "But I could understand. I missed you a lot too. And I can't be angry at you now, even if I tried."
I smiled. I was glad that I had gotten that off of my chest, and that he was so understanding. But there was still one more thing I had to say.
"You know, Jack, I've changed so much since I met you. I used to hate myself and my boring, pitiful life all the time. But you taught me to appreciate things. To slow down and enjoy the good moments. To not underestimate myself. I felt like every time you were around I was a better person, a more complete person."
Jack smiled. "You kind of had that effect on me too," he said.
I smiled back. But I now realized what it was that was holding me back.
"Yeah, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, Jack," I said, starting to slow my words, articulating. "But there was still one problem. I had changed because of you. Because I wanted to be someone you liked, someone worthy enough of you. But in my heart I was always the same old Karen I had always been... I had changed my perspective, but my old thoughts and actions still lingered inside. I couldn't change that on my own."
He nodded, looking a bit crestfallen. I continued.
"So I want, well... I think I need to spend some time figuring out who I am, who I want to be. What I want to do with my life. I've never really thought about those types of things before."
Jack looked me in the eyes now, and put his hand over mine.
"I understand, Karen. I want to be with you, I really do... but I can wait until you're ready."
I looked back at him, smiled, and then leaned over and kissed him. I could feel his emotion as he kissed me back. For a moment I wavered in my decision. But then I pulled back.
He smiled and we sat in silence again for a moment.
"So..." I said after a bit, straightening my back and smirking, "shall we go embarrass the newlyweds with some not-altogether-truthful-yet-hilarious toasts?"
Jack laughed and took my hand, helping me up.
"Oh yes, I've got a few choice stories I can think of for that..."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
When you think about, time isn't really that funny of a thing. I'm not saying that I will ever begin to understand it or control it, but I don't really think of it much anymore. The truth is, you can get so caught up in the person you used to be and the things you once had, or what you want to be and do with your life that you miss the fact that you're living in the present and choosing who you want to be at that moment. Of course, it is good to make goals and try to reach them, to base decisions off of past mistakes and experiences you've had; but ultimately, you've got to think and live in the present. It took me awhile to realize that, but I was finally able to do it on my own.
In the end, Flower Bud village was one of the best places to live on Earth. And I'm not just saying that because I live there, you know. With the remainder of my eighteenth year, I took some time to travel, to see the cities that I had once so badly wanted to belong to. And I learned, in the end, that they really weren't all that I had hoped they would be. Sure, there were things I saw and experienced that I never would have in Flower Bud, but I came to understand that there was monotony, sadness, and even loneliness in every place. I met new people and even made some friends along the way, but I was never able to form the same kinds of relationships I had with the people of Flower Bud.
And so when I returned to my small village I was truly happy to be back. I knew that I could spend the rest of my life there and not regret it. I knew who I was and that I wanted to someday continue my family's vineyard. (With the help of the Kiefu fairies, of course.) Jack and I eventually got back together, and lost no time rekindling our relationship. I told him I knew now that he was that little boy that I was meant to be with all along... the one who had come to visit his grandfather when he was young, and the one I had so many good memories with. He proposed to me by the ocean, and I was sure I was the happiest person in Flower Bud.
So, you see, time really isn't worth worrying about. People and things will come and go, and you'll mature and grow and learn. It will happen. You just have to let time do its thing, and make sure you're able to enjoy the moments you have, good or bad. For as someone very wise (and unbelievably good looking) once told me: each day is different; sometimes they're high, sometimes they're low... but you just have to go with it, accept it. Just like the ever-constant ebb and flow of the waves.
Author's Note: This is probably my most popular story to date. I never could have asked for more dedicated readers and encouraging reviews. Thank you all, seriously, for keeping this story going even when I took over a year to update.
I grew and changed myself over the five years that I wrote this story. In a way, a lot of what Karen went through was the sort of thing I went through as well. (Although I haven't found my Jack yet, but hopefully soon.)
Even if you are just coming across this story now, I love to hear new opinions and thoughts. Your reviews are what inspire me to keep writing. I want to hear even the negative stuff: if the ending disappointed you or you wish that the Jack and Karen ending was better... if the writing was terrible or needs to be fixed. Criticism is very helpful to me.
Anyway, thank you again for reading this story. I hope it at least kept you entertained.
Until next time,
JustWrite
