Sav stood before me, his foot tapping and a furious expression on his face. I knew the longer I waited to answer his question, the worse I looked, but I wanted my voice to be steady before I opened my mouth.
"Well, Clare, are you going to tell me what you and Eli were doing…or, more importantly, why you look so guilty?"
"It's not what you think, Sav. We were just working on the debate, but he started to open up to me a little…it probably looked way worse than it was. You know I would never cheat on you. You mean the world to me."
"You're mom's not even home, though! What were you thinking-bringing him over!" Sav was so angry his words came out in a strangled screech, and his words barely formed sentences. It was the first time I was truly uncomfortable with Sav; I hated having him so upset with me.
I hated it more to know that he was totally justified; I deserved his anger.
"Please, Sav, just come sit down and we'll talk."
"I'd rather stand," he replied icily, and I flinched.
"We were working on our English debate! Really, that's all; it's hardly a punishable offense!" I tried to put power behind my defense, but all my words came out sounding like a plea.
"I didn't see much work happening when I came in; why were you two so cozy on the couch, huh?"
"We were talking; I was actually making progress with him. Eli doesn't open up easily, but there is something wrong. He's not happy, and he always seems to be weighed down by something. I just want to be there for him even though I don't know what I'm trying to support him through, yet. I seem to be the only friend he has…at Degrassi, at least."
Sav sighed, deflating. I watched the anger flood out of his eyes as he plopped down on the couch next to me. He immediately slung his arm over my shoulders, and I relaxed into him, glad he had taken my sincere words at face value…and glad that he had forgotten his question about my guilt. I didn't want to explain that. Of course, although Sav happily forgot about it, I could still feel the guilt pinching at the sides of my stomach. Everything I had told Sav had been true, but I had also left out a crucial part of the story- my epiphany.
I seriously had to talk to Alli…or did I? Maybe that wasn't a good idea…
"It's hard to stay angry with you when you're being such a sweet and kind-hearted person," Sav tightened his arm around my shoulders, bringing me back to the present moment.
I laughed, but the sound was slightly off. Sav's words had only worked at intensifying the guilty pinches.
"I really would never cheat on you," I reinforced sincerely. Attraction to Eli Goldsworthy or not, I knew who I loved.
"And I know that," Sav assured me, shaking his head at his overreaction. "It was just…the way he looks at you reminds me of the way I feel when I look at you, if that makes sense. That paired with the fact that you were all alone with him in your house…well it made me jealous. I'm sorry for snapping at you, Clare-bear."
"And I'm sorry for giving you the wrong idea," I said, kissing him on the cheek before standing up. "So, Alli is here to spend the night, is that right?"
Sav stood up, too, and ran his hand over his carefully gelled hair. "Yes…things did not go Alli's way at home, and she needed a place to escape. Will your mom be okay with it, even though it's a school night?"
"I don't see why not, but I'll ask as soon as she's home. She out with my dad…am I the only one who thinks that's weird? They just got divorced. Why rock the boat?"
"Maybe they just have a few things they need to talk about," Sav shrugged, trying to calm my nerves with his blasé attitude. It worked…mostly. "I should probably get going, though. Alli could use a friend right now," Sav hinted not-so-subtly. With a kiss to my forehead, and a promise to see me the next day, Sav ducked out of the house.
I paused at the bottom of the stairs, trying to gather my thoughts before I went to deal with Alli's problems. Why was I so shaken? So I was attracted to someone who wasn't Sav…I was only human, after all. That was normal- teenage hormones, and all. Why did it make me feel so lousy with guilt to know that Eli's mysterious edge appealed to me in more than one way?
Since the whole I-have-feelings-for-Sav crisis had caught me so off-guard I had learned that it was best to be honest with myself…even when I really didn't want to be; especially then.
So, honestly, I felt so guilty and shaken because if Sav hadn't walking in I would have let Eli lean in all the way. I would have encouraged it, even. And I hated knowing that. I could never let myself get the physically close to Mr. Goldsworthy ever again. If I did it would be unforgivable.
With that new knowledge filed away in my head, and the fresh resolve in my heart, I went upstairs to face Alli. I desperately wanted to open up to her with my own problems, let her know everything I had just deduced about myself, but she was Sav's sister. Should I really put her in that kind of position? That was the single major disadvantage of dating Sav….I could no longer tell my best friend anything. I had to be more careful. Not to mention, I had to be the listener this time, not the unloader. Our friendship was a pretty even balance of give and take…and it was long past my turn to give Alli my undivided attention and my best advice. She probably desperately needed it.
When I walked into my room, Alli was standing in front of the mirror that hung over my dresser.
"My eyes are all red and puffy," She commented, not even looking away from her refection as I flopped onto my bed.
"Crying will do that to them."
"I really can't stand my parents sometimes. I want to say that I hate them right now, because I'm so upset, but I know it's not true. And saying the word only makes me angrier."
"Talk to me, Alli."
She turned to me then, and there were fresh tears in her eyes. "I don't hate them, Clare, but I'm starting to think they hate me." And then she broke down completely, sobbing in a way that literally broke my heart in two. I hated seeing a person with such a pure heart like Alli feeling so bad about her life. She didn't deserve any of this.
I scrambled off my bed and pulled Alli into my chest, giving her the biggest squeeze I could muster. I just stood there; holding her, as I tried to convey that at least one person was on her side no matter what.
After a few minutes Alli's frantic, shaky breaths evened out and she pulled away. I tugged on her hand to lead her to the bed where we both sat down, and I grabbed the box of tissues off my nightstand and handed them to her.
"So what happened today, exactly?"
"They just wouldn't speak to me- they haven't said much to me at all, unless it's to call me a disappointment, since they caught me with Drew. But, during breakfast, I decided I wouldn't take it anymore. So I asked them what I had to do to gain their respect again, and they told me they weren't sure if that was possible. And you know Sav- when someone he cares about is being hurt he can't just sit by and watch. He defended me, it turned into a screaming match, I lost it on my parents and then we all broke down in tears. And you would think, since we reached a breaking point where we all start bawling, that it would have bonded us; it would have opened a door to let us reform our relationship. But, no, my parents just shut both of us out. And they were just starting to forgive Sav, too…now I went and ruined his life. I seemed to be good at doing that to the people I love."
"Alli, you don't ruin lives. Don't say that…ever. Your parents are being unfair to you, and I want to comfort you and tell you that they will come around eventually, but I'm not so sure anymore. Just…you can't blame yourself for all this. Sav is a big boy, he knew what he was doing when he defended you, and I'm sure he'll handle things. You have to know that no matter what happens with your parent Sav and I will always be here for you. And you can stay over for as long as you need to. I'll run it past my mom, but I doubt she'll care once we explain to her everything that happened. I love you, Alli. You're a good person."
"I love you, too, Clare," Alli said, more tears spilling out of her eyes. "You're the best friend a girl could ask for…I needed to hear all that. But you're sure you won't mind me moving in for a bit?"
"I don't mind at all…it'll be fun. And I can't wait for the return of unstressed Alli. You just need to walk away for a bit. This will be good for you and your parents."
"But won't that put your mom in a weird situation?"
"Hey, stop worrying. We'll handle it; there's plenty of time to figure it all out."
"Thanks Clare…now, I just want to get my mind off things."
"Sure," I agreed happily, ready to do whatever it was that Alli needed me to. "Anything you want."
"Let's talk about Eli Goldsworthy."
I cringed. "I don't really think that's a good idea, Alli."
Alli jutted out her lower lip in a pout. "Why not? I want to know everything that happened before Sav and I walked in. Unless, of course, you have something to hide…," her voice was a challenge. She knew me well enough to know there was a specific reason I didn't want to talk about Eli.
"I don't have anything to hide," I told her honestly, "but…there are just some things that are better left unsaid."
"Clare, you did not cheat on Sav…with that scumbag?"
"Alli, really? Come on; you know me better than that!"
"Okay, so then why can't we talk about it?"
I paused, trying to find some way, any way, to deflect her questions, but my brain was on overload with all the new information about myself, Eli and Alli's parents. It wasn't like it was a crime that I found Eli attractive; Alli could know that bit of information, at least. I just couldn't act on it. And, since Alli would stay over, there was less of a chance that my attraction would get back to Sav. He was already so worried that there was something going on with Eli and me...I did not need to fuel that fire. I could handle my feelings, and Sav didn't deserve to be so worried about it. He had enough on his plate.
"Come one, Clare, I can see the wheels turning in your head. Why can't you tell me what's going on with you?"
"Okay, but first, I care about Sav more than anyone else in the world- except you, of course. I would never cheat on him. He's everything to me." Alli cocked her eyebrow at me, but didn't say a word, so I took that as a signal to continue. "Anyway, Eli and were discussing possible debate topics in class, and we weren't sure if we could make the idea Sav had given me work. So I invited Eli over to do research…it was for school purposes only. Of course, being the idiot that I am, I forgot that my mom wouldn't be home. She went out with my dad, or whatever. So, anyway, Eli and I decided to do something else for the debate and use Sav 'Is Love a Choice' idea for a personal project. Eli might have let it slip that he wanted to get to know me better…and then I reciprocated that desire. And he almost opened up to me, Alli. He was talking about how he's had a bad past, and he doesn't think I could help him. But I want to; more than I should, probably. And he kept scooting closer to me, and I let him…and oh, God, I'm such a bad person. Nothing happened…but I'm majorly attracted to him, Alli. If Sav ever finds out he'll flip."
I dropped my head into my hands so I couldn't see Alli's disappointment. But, to my surprise, the bed shifted and Alli's arm was suddenly draped around my shoulders; her hand was comfortingly rubbing up and down my arm. "Clare, you said yourself you would never cheat on Sav. It's okay to be attracted to Eli, you just can't, like, do anything about it. I won't clue Sav in, either. I don't want him freaking out any more than you do…and boy can get a bit insecure when it comes to his girlfriends, you know?"
I lifted my head to find Alli smiling at me. "I thought you'd be upset with me," I confided, astounded that she was really so okay with this news.
"Clare, you're human. You're going to be attracted to more than one person in your life. I don't know how you find Eli attractive, but you do, so all you have to do is tell him you don't want to do the love thingy anymore. Problem solved."
"Wait," I held up my hands as if to physically stop her words from settling themselves into my brain. The sense of relief I had been feeling disappeared as soon as it had appeared. "I'm still going to do the project with Eli…I just won't be alone with him ever. I don't intend to act on my attraction, but I meant it when I said I want to help Eli. I think he really needs it; I'm his only friend, Alli."
"That's, like, a really bad idea, Clare."
"You trust me, right, Alli?"
"More than anyone in the world," Alli qualified.
"Then you can trust me to handle this…nothing bad is going to happen."
Alli studied my face for a few minutes before sighing in defeat. "Do what you want, Clare. But don't be mad at me if I get my 'I told you so' moment."
XXX
Three weeks was a long time to share your space with someone…or so I was discovering.
It turned out that Alli's parents were just as grateful for the space as Alli seemed to be, and my mom was life-savingly cool with it. Once she had gotten home from work that day Alli and I explained everything to her. She was more than happy to take Alli under our wing as long as it wasn't permanent. Alli's parents were just glad that Alli had chosen my house as her safe haven instead of Drew's. They were thankful that we were giving them a second option to sort everything out that they hadn't even dared to consider.
Problem number one momentarily solved…or, at the very least, under control.
Of course, The Bhandari's were still kind of angry at Sav, too, so that meant he was over a whole lot. Alli and Drew would have study dates at The Dot since they were allowed to see each other under my mom's consent and Sav and I got to bum around the house. Every day he continued to make me fall even harder for him. On our one month anniversary he took me out to dinner and then he took me stargazing. He was also planning our two month anniversary because he was so enthusiastic. Apparently, it involved a song that he wrote for me that he was still perfecting.
Sav and I watched movies together, we did homework together and sometimes we just sat in the living room and talked for hours. Every day with him felt better than the last, and I was happy to discover that I was head over heels in love with him.
Because as much time I was spending with Sav…I was also spending a fair amount of time with Eli Goldsworthy. And, every day, he seemed to get more attractive.
Problem number two…very much still a problem.
Since they day he had come over, Eli hadn't said much more about his past, but he kept up a nonstop string of questions about mine. And, for some insane reason, I told him everything. I told him about the divorce; about all the fighting that had happened prior, I told him about KC and all the drama I had endured through that period of my life. I told him about the catholic school girl uniform I used to wear to Degrassi and I told him how I got the nickname St. Clare. I told him about the time I fell out of the tree in my grandparents' backyard and broke my arm. I told him about my writing, and I told him about Darcy. I even told him about how my feelings for Sav hit me out of nowhere...seemingly, anyway, even though he made faces every time I brought Sav up.
I told him everything. Normally I would have been uncomfortable about talking about myself for so long…three weeks all about me!...but talking to Eli just felt natural. I just wished he felt the same way toward me…because whenever I asked him a question he cleverly deflected only to learn more about me while still leaving me in the dark about him.
I understood that he needed time, but I wondered why he didn't trust me yet. I had basically told him my life story only to have him shut me out every time I tried to find a way over the 10-foot steel walls he had installed around his head and heart.
Our debate went off without a hitch, we got an A, and we were still preparing the details to start our personal project together.
Sav wasn't too excited that Eli and I were hitting it off as such good friends, but I was constantly assuring him that we were just that- friends. Sav trusted me, after all. Eli and Sav even started up a very tentative friendship. Apparently, they liked the same kind of music.
So, my life was a little messy, but I was enjoying it nonetheless. I had a new great, if not a little too messy, roommate, I had the single, most wonderful boyfriend, and I had a very elusive but sweet friend.
Yeah, Eli Goldsworthy would have to watch out. Because one way or another I was going to help him.
I refused to give up.
