Author's Note: Hello everyone! Happy (belated) New Year! Sorry that it's been so long since I have updated this story, its just been a crazy few weeks here in the Pacific Northwest :) I hope that all of you are having an amazing New Year so far, and that 2010 is treating you all well...(anyone else find themselves saying oh ten? Like you would say oh nine? Anyone, anyone? Okay just me then lol) Anyways, on to the story. Hope you all enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think, as always reviews are greatly appreciated...the good and the bad...Love you guys, A*Marie!
Chapter 5: Toe Shoes And Promises
" I hope you dance."-from the song Dance, by LeAnn Womack.
I walk slowly down the hallway, one arm weighed down with Michael's day planner, my other hand holding Carly-Ann's. I yawn hugely trying to wake up. Last night was a late night. We had costume fittings yesterday for the entire cast of Michael's tour, and then there was rehearsal which went three and a half hours over. By the time I fell into bed it was well after three in the morning. Good thing I dont need a ton of sleep to at least be considered fuctioning.
" Someone's still a sleepy head," Carly-Ann says in a sing-song voice pulling me from my thoughts, and I grin staring down at her.
" Yeah, Mama is very sleepy," I murmur, setting the planner down on the counter, as I help Carly-Ann up, wincing only slightly under her weight.
" You got home super late," she says, and I smile at her as I peel a banana handing it to her.
" Yes, I did. Me and Michael were working late," I say, going to the cupboards pulling out some pancake mix.
" I know. Aunt Janet came over and watched movies with me, I heard her telling Grandmamma Katherine that you and Michael need to just do it all ready," she says and I drop the box of pancake mix, turning to look at my daughter, her sweet and innocent eyes dancing under the lights of the kitchen, " What does 'do it' mean Mama?"
" Uhm, it means," I stammer as I search for an answer, " Good morning Michael." I sigh with relief when Michael walks into the kitchen, dressed in blue jeans and a black sweater.
" Good Morning," Michael says, hugging Carly-Ann closely, " Ooo, is Mama making pancakes?"
" Yeah," Carly-Ann giggles, scrambling off the counter top so that she can climb into Michael's lap. I smile shaking my head as I set to work, carefully pouring milk into the mix, " Hey Mikey, what does 'do it' mean?" I drop the whisk in my hand with a soft clatter, splattering pancake mix all over the counter as Michael sputters over his glass of juice.
" Where in the world did you hear that?" he asks, staring at Carly-Ann a goofy grin spreading over his face.
" Aunt Janet. She told Grandmamma Katherine last night that you and Mamma just need to 'do it,'" she says wrapping a piece of Michael's hair around her small finger.
" Oh really," he says, flashing humor riddled eyes over Carly-Ann's head at me. I shrug my shoulders, Michael fast and easy laughter filling the kitchen as he changes the subject quickly.
" Are you excited about spending the weekend with Uncle Brandon and Uncle Kyle?" I ask as I straighten Carly-Ann's purple coat, zipping it up before straightening slowly, the pain coursing through my body.
" Yes,"Carly-Ann says excitedly, shaking her head so fast her blonde curls bounce all over the place as I try and pull her matching purple hat over her hair, " They said they are going to take me ice skating and shopping, and then they said we're going to have ice cream. Then we're going to have a movie marathon this weekend."
" Sounds like you are going to have one fun weekend baby. Why don't you go find Michael and give him some love before your uncles get here," I say, straightening up slowly, my ribs aching slightly. I wait until Carly-Ann is out of sight before gasping, pressing my hands over my side. I walk to the large mirror in the hallway lifting my shirt slowly to look at the dark bruises splaying over my stomach. It's been two and a half weeks since I was released from the hospital and even though the stitches have come out, the bruises remain. I quickly push my shirt back into place when I hear Carly-Ann's excited voice coming towards me. I turn around smiling when Michael and my little girl turn the corner just in time for a knock on the door to interrupt their happy chatter.
" I'll get it," Carly-Ann squeals pulling open the heavy door, " Uncle Brandon, Uncle Kyle." I watch as my brothers laugh, lifting her from her feet.
" Hey munchkin, you ready to go?" Kyle asks, kneeling down to look at her as she nods her head quickly.
" Good, lets go," he says, taking her hand in his smiling at me over her head. I walk them outside, handing Brandon Carly-Ann's small purple suitcase.
" Everything is in there that she needs. Her vitamins, some children's Tylenol just in case. I packed a few extra sets of pajamas," I murmur, pulling Brandon to the side, " She uhm has had a few accidents since we've been home that's why I packed the extra stuff, oh and of course her stuffed pink hippo is in there too."
" Dani, relax, this isn't the first time that we've watched Carly-Ann for a weekend remember," Brandon says, hugging me lightly.
" I know, its just, never mind. You guy's have fun okay?" I say, leaning into the car one last time to kiss and hug my little girl, " Have fun sweet girl, and remember I'm just a phone call away if you need to talk to me, Brandon and Kyle have my number."
" I know Mama, bye," she calls waving and blowing kisses at me as I close the door.
" Don't worry so much Dani, she'll be fine. Have fun tonight," Kyle says, opening the passenger side door. I roll my eyes at him as I smile.
" Oh yeah rehearsals and temperamental dancers, so much fun," I say, laughing when Kyle mock chokes himself before climbing into the car. I watch arms crossed over my chest as Brandon, Kyle, and Carly-Ann drive away, Carly-Ann turning in her seat to wave and blow a final kiss in my direction. I blow one back my eyes tearing up as I watch them drive out of Neverland.
" Your going to miss her huh?" Michael murmurs into my ear making me jump. I turn slowly, looking up at him with swimming eyes.
" Of course I am, but this is the last weekend before we leave for tour again, so as much as it kills me to be away from her for seventy-two hours, I know she's in good hands," I say walking slowly next to Michael back into the house, " Anyways, its back to work with us Mr. Jackson."
I slip into my room, sighing as I slide out of my shoes. It was a long day, one of the longest days of my life. Wardrobe fittings, rehearsals, dinner with the crew, all entirely too exhausting when your running off of four hours of sleep. I start stripping off my shirt when a large wrapped box sitting on my bed catches my attention. I smooth my shirt back down my body, walking curiously over to the package. I pick up the small envelope opening it slowly.
' I hope you dance.'
My heart catches in my throat at the simple words, setting it aside as I lift the lid slowly, pushing aside the pink tissue paper. With shaking hands I pick up the brand new pair of baby pink toe shoes, my heart aching as tears surge to my eyes. Is this some sort of sick joke? I stuff the shoes back into the box slamming the lid down, gathering the box in my hands as I storm out of my room. I walk quickly to Michael's bedroom pushing open the door listening when it bangs against the wall, causing Michael to jump and drop the book he was reading with a soft thud.
" What is this?" I demand throwing the box at him at he looks at me confused.
" Their toe shoes," Michael says, as he searches my face.
" I know what they are, why did you give them to me?" I ask, trying my hardest not to cry.
" Because you're a dancer. Your Mom told me, about you dancing ballet," he says, getting up from his seat, setting the box down.
" Then she told you that was a long time ago, that I don't dance anymore," I hiss out, trying to keep as calm as I possibly can.
" Why Dani? Your mom told me that you loved it, but you stopped. I don't understand, if it was something that made you so happy, that made your dad," he says, and I cut him off shaking my head furiously.
" You wouldn't understand," I say, closing my eyes tightly as I try and force the memory from my mind.
" Try me," he murmurs, and I cringe away from him as he takes a step towards me.
" Michael, please," I beg but his eyes are unfaltering as he stares at me.
" Why Dani, make me understand. If it was something that meant so much to you why would you stop doing it?" he urges and I snap losing all sense of self as my body vibrates with tears and anger.
" Because he's dead Michael okay! Is that what you wanted to hear? I made a promise to him that I would always keep dancing and I broke that promise and there is nothing I can do to take it back, if I could I would just take it all back," I scream, my heart shattering in my chest as memories of my father dying flash in my head, screaming so loudly I clap my hands over my ears trying to block them out.
" Sweetheart," Michael says stepping towards me gathering me in his arms, " I just don't understand." I let him hold me while the tears run their course, my body feeling numb as I step away from him.
" You should never have to understand Michael. You have this amazing ability, you demand attention with the way you sing, the way you dance, you've never had to step away from it," I murmur, walking past him so that I can stare out of the window. " Ballet was my entire life from the age of four. It was all I ever wanted to do, all I ever talked about. I think sometimes I drove my family crazy talking about it so much, dancing through the house. It was my own little world. My dad was in a really bad accident when I was fourteen, spent ten days in the hospital before he died. The last thing he asked, no pleaded for me to promise him was that I would always dance. I would have promised him the moon in that very moment. And then he was gone. Just that quickly, he was here and then he was gone. I immersed myself in dancing. I didn't cry, or scream, or go through any of the normal feelings of grief, instead I just danced. That's what he would have wanted. But then, I got pregnant. Mom was so understanding, all things considered, but she wasn't shy to tell me that I had a choice to make. Either give up my child and go back to dancing, pretending that I didn't carry a baby for nine months, or keep my baby and turn away from the one thing that had been more important to me than the air I breathed. I almost walked away from my daughter Michael, I had the adoption paperwork and everything, but then I heard her heart beat, and I couldn't just step away. She was more real to me than anything else in my life. I broke a promise to my Dad to be a mother," I say, turning to look at him my eyes burning from the tears that I had cried. " Sometimes I wonder, what if? What if my Dad had never been in the accident? I would have never been with Carly-Ann's father. He would have lost his head before letting me go anywhere near him. If my dad had lived I would have never gotten pregnant and I wouldn't have my daughter, and it kills me to think that if for whatever crazy reason Fate appeared and told me I could go back and change things, I wouldn't, because as much as I miss my dad, I cant imagine my life without my daughter. I broke that promise Michael, and there's no making it right again."
" Dani," he says stepping towards him, his long hands running up my arms holding onto my shoulders as he rests his head against my forehead, " I can't imagine, walking away from what I love, but I think, that your Dad understands, and the only reason he would be upset is because you refuse to do something that makes you so happy." I close my eyes, his words echoing in my head healing whatever ache that was there.
" I just don't know if I can," I whisper, and I jump slightly when Michael laughs suddenly.
" Daniella James, if I have learned anything about you, its that you can do anything you set your mind too, just let me help you," he says, and I look up to him my eyes curious.
" How?" I ask, and instead of answering me right away he takes my hand and scoops up the box holding the ballet shoes dragging me behind him.
" Tough love," he says and I cringe, this doesn't sound good.
I stand in the middle of the dance studio, my feet aching from the familiar feel of brand new dancing shoes.
" Michael I don't think," I start saying trying to find anyway out of this, but Michael just shakes his head, turning to the stereo.
" Don't think, just dance," Michael says and before I can tell him that its easier said than done familiar music swells through the room. And as if I am nothing more than a marionette my body snaps into familiar form as I dance through out the room. My eyes close as a soft smile creeps onto my face. I feel at home, like the weight that I had been carrying suddenly lifts, and as quickly as the beautiful moment comes its over. The music ends and I stand frozen staring at Michael whose eyes are dancing under the lights of the studio. He walks towards me slowly taking me into his arms hugging me close to his body.
" You did it Dani, and your Dad would be so proud," he murmurs, and I smile as I bury my head into his chest realizing that for the first time in a long time the guilt is replaced by happiness and fulfillment.
