This is a long chapter where a lot happens—bear with me, lovelies. I really can't thank you enough for the continued support.
My life was hell, and I had the pounding headache to prove it.
Just standing at the bottom of the front steps of Degrassi felt intimidating and impossible. The events of the last few days seemed to swirl around my head—clear and close while, at the same time, remaining a distant buzz that I wanted desperately to ignore.
But you can't ignore your past. Especially your past mistakes.
Holding a deep breath in my lungs, I grasped the silver cross around my neck like a lifeline. Because throughout all my life, I had never felt I needed God more than in that moment. I never felt like I deserved Him less.
"Sav," my voice was meek and quiet, broken on all accounts as I approached his locker. "I need to talk to you."
He didn't turn around. He didn't say anything—no twitch to even acknowledge the fact that he registered my presence. "Um, okay," I stuttered nervously. Maybe it's impossibly selfish of me to expect him to let me have my moment of pleading. But my chest felt uncomfortably heavy with the apology I owed him, and the thought of leaving it unsaid choked me for a second. "I don't…I understand now why you had reservations about me being friends with Eli," my voice was even, the speech rehearsed a million times before my bathroom mirror that morning between bursts of sharp, painful tears. "And I'm sorry for being so blind to the way he felt from the beginning. I'm sorry for ever letting things get out of hand, and I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for betraying you."
It seemed like Sav had stopped breathing for a minute before he turned to face me. His eyes were cold—the complete opposite of the open generosity that I had taken for granted so many times. That angry, furious, hurt Sav…he was all wrong.
"Do you have feelings for Eli?"
The question was straightforward, Sav's words stilted, his nostrils flared with his unadulterated ferocity. But I didn't have a straight answer for him, and the second I had to salvage myself had passed me by.
The truth was, after I had kicked Eli out of my house—after I had managed to drag myself from the floor—I started to do a lot of thinking. My mind had chased itself in circles for hours upon sleepless hours. What had that kiss meant? Why had it felt so wonderful when it had been so destructive? Why couldn't I make up my mind about Eli? Where did that leave me with Sav?
So many questions, and no way for me to answer them. I just didn't know myself well enough to figure out what I needed or wanted. And that just really wasn't fair to Sav or Eli…so I shouldn't have approached Sav at all. Still, the only thing I did know was the true and utter terror that was invoked in my soul at the very thought that Sav would walk out of my life, angry and hating me. I needed him in ways that I hadn't realized until I was forced to face the very real possibility that I might not get to keep him.
But…Eli: he needed me in ways that were too intimate for friendship. And I was shocked to realize, there was a part of me that didn't want to do without him, either. He brought out parts of my personality that I hadn't even had an inkling existed.
"Forget it," Sav's sharp voice brought me back to the present moment.
He tried to push past me, but in a desperate bout of adrenaline I caught him by the forearm and jerked him to a stop. Before either of us registered what I was doing, before I could compute the way some wild string had come undone inside of me, my lips were crashing desperately against Sav's.
If the kiss with Eli had been desperate and erotic—trying to find purchase on a surface that was nothing but precarious and slippery—the kiss with Sav was one of sheer terror, a slow, insistent burning. But it was also soulful; I put everything that I had to offer into that kiss: my heart, my soul, my confusion and my need.
Frantic and feeling something I never had before in the pit of my stomach, I clutched Sav's shirt, pulling him closer closer closer…and for a miraculous moment he kissed me back. I felt the flame on the tip of his tongue.
All too soon, it was over, though. Sav's hands were rough as the shoved me away—wanting me gone.
I stumbled backward, my cheeks a bright pink…Sav even had a little color on his dark skin…gasping for breath.
"Stop trying so hard to convince yourself, Clare," Sav's voice was coated with anger, betrayal, and his words rooted themselves right in my heart. Because I understood exactly what he was accusing me of, and the horrible part was he might have been a tad bit right about my motives—even if I hadn't realized it.
"Sav…"
But he shook his head, unwilling to compromise himself a second longer; he walked away. I stood in the crowded hallway like a fool for several moments before my head cleared enough to give my feet the signal to move. But, even then, the movement hurt in strange ways.
Lost and spinning, I walked to my locker, already anticipating the final bell of the day.
But of course Eli was there, waiting by his own locker—a strange mix of reservation, sheepishness and happiness just coloring the edges of his features. I wanted to turn and run, knowing I had already done enough damage with my indecisiveness. But he had already seen me, and running away would certainly steal the happiness right out of his guarded expression.
"So…," Eli trailed off, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he awkwardly tried to strike up a conversation.
"Yeah," I agreed miserably, shoving my bag into my locker.
"Okay, so, I know it's more than a little soon, but I think I love you, Clare. And if there's even a chance that you might feel the same way, I think we owe it to ourselves to give this a shot. Because last night…well, I can't be the only one who felt that the kiss was more than just your run-of-the-mill teenage lust. There's something between us, and I'll wait until you're over Sav…but I really…Clare…?" he trailed off in question, realizing that I had covered my ears childishly with my hands.
It didn't stop me from catching the entirety of his speech, though. And it was just much, much too early in the morning for this.
I couldn't help it. I had to take my frustrations out on someone. Eli just happened to have some pretty bad timing and a well delivered speech that just left more fog in my ever-muddled brain.
"Just shut up, would you!?" I screeched at him, my voice reaching an octave I was unaware was in my range. "I can't do this right now, and how dare you just assume that everything with Sav and me is over," I lowered my voice to a hiss, though we already had an audience. "I don't know what I want, I don't know what I feel and how dare you take advantage of that!" It seemed like the entire school had gone silent, listening to me lash out at Eli. I was jabbing my finger into his chest to punctuate words, my face had gone beet red and I was pretty sure whatever center of my brain that had once housed my logic had shut down for good.
One thing was for sure, even though I registered Eli's hurt, shocked eyes, I couldn't feel the guilt seep into my consciousness just yet. I was too busy silently seething over myself and Eli and Sav and the situation as a whole and, oh, God, I needed out of the hall. It seemed like the walls had started to cave in, trapping me in—causing my hyperventilation. I clutched at the silver cross.
Without warning, I sprinted for the bathroom; leaving more destruction behind me.
I locked myself in a stall, allowing myself to dissolve into tears once again, my eyes red, puffy and raw. I heard the first bell ring, but I couldn't care less. I wanted nothing to do with math at that moment.
A few minutes of nothing but gushing tears passed…a few more…and then I heard the bathroom door opening. The distinct click of heels stopped in front of my stall and I heard someone clear their throat meaningfully: Alli.
"I know that's you in there, Clare. Open up."
Her voice wasn't necessarily harsh, but it wasn't kind either. I didn't really want to deal with her…not even just in that moment. I didn't want to ever have to face Alli. Out of everyone I had betrayed I knew Alli would receive the grunt of my bad decision. I put her in such a bad position.
"No, thank you," I quietly declined her request.
"Clare," Alli let out an exaggerated sigh to end all sighs, "Seriously. I only have a few minutes before Mr. Armstrong gets suspicious."
Slowly, still warring with myself, I rose to my feet and opened the stall. "How's it going?" I asked meekly, the irony in my voice lost on her.
She glared at me. "Don't you 'how's it going' me! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I don't know…how much do you know?" I gulped. Alli glared back at me, and I knew that Sav had told her the entire story. "Well then I don't know what you want me to say! You want to hear me beg for forgiveness? I already tried that with Sav. You want me sob, lash out? Newsflash, already did that, too!"
"I just don't get it, Clare," Alli snapped. "You had Sav. Why wasn't that enough?"
"It was, more than enough. I think I've proven just fine that I don't deserve him, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I do. But why, Clare? Eli is nothing but an asshole."
"No he's not!" I instantly jumped to his defense. "They're both great guys, okay? Eli's just as much a victim of my stupidity as Sav, so stop trying to blame him. I'm the one you want, remember? Sic the dogs on me."
Alli's face twisted up with rage for a moment before all the emotion leaked out at once. Only a look of reservation remained. "I didn't find you so that I could yell at you or point fingers," she dropped her head in her hands for a moment, massaging the tension out of her temples.
"Then why did you find me? It's not like I don't deserve it. I…I cheated on your brother. And now I have no idea what I'm doing because I didn't think that I would ever like Eli this much. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but it seems like all I'm capable of."
A grim look of satisfaction clouded Alli's face, and she rested a hand, light as a feather, on my shoulder. "I told you so."
I hung my head; there it was, the moment she had known from the start was coming. "Yeah, you did."
The silence grew thick in the air between us, cutting off a connection I had thought was beyond being damageable.
Finally, Alli retracted her hand and took a few tentative steps for the door. "If you make up your mind, let me know," her eyebrows knitted together.
"You'll be the first," I promised sadly, nodding my head in defeat as she walked out.
So that was it, then. The one person I had depended on so fully for so long…she just couldn't handle me because I was too much of a fuck-up.
Suddenly, the walls caved in around me and I could not draw a single breath. I needed to get out, and I needed it now. Running like some monster was chasing me, I carelessly pushed through the front doors of the school. I ran without looking back until my feet were firmly on the porch of my house. And when I was finally safe inside, I collapsed for the second time in twenty-four hours and started to sob, the weight of my loss bearing down on my chest.
XXX
A week passed. Seven full days. And I barely came out of my room save for school and meals. Alli didn't try to talk to me, Sav stayed as far away as possible—not even showing up for lunch. And, around Wednesday, so had I.
Eli was the only one who tried a few times to break through. He tried to apologize for pushing me, pled with me to talk to him. But all I could do was shake my head and whisper that I needed space.
Though, given the fact that I was still confused beyond all reasonable doubt and sinking further and further into a depression, it could be argued that space wasn't exactly treating me well.
By the time Friday morning reared its head, I was miserable. The dull ache in my head had never truly gone away, and my eyes were permanently sore and puffy.
As expected, my mother was concerned. "Clare, are you sure you're alright?" she asked. We both knew the answer to the question, but my mother had no clue what the details were. I hadn't exactly been willing to share.
"Great," I grumbled, no small amount of irony in my voice.
"You know," she posed casually, her cheeks turning a dull pink as I looked up from my cereal. Her tone had caught what was left of my scattered attention. "Your father is really anxious to see you."
I snorted, turning my attention back to the cheerios. After all, they weren't trying to pass me off on someone else because they didn't know what to do with me.
"Clare," my mother's voice instantly reacted to my insolence. "You need to get away for a while. I don't know why, but something tells me you could benefit from being out of Toronto for a bit."
I nodded in response, already tired of the one-sided conversation.
"Your dad misses you," she pointed out, trying a different approach.
"I miss him," I whispered, and it was true. I did miss Dad. I wanted to see him…I just preferred if it wasn't while I was basically moments away from a crippling depression. I wanted to see him on happier terms.
"Good, it's decided, then," my mom smiled sadly, standing to rinse out her plate of eggs. "I'll call him, and after school I can drive you out there."
"I can't wait," I grimaced, chasing the tiny circles around the bowl with my spoon. That was just want I needed, an 8 hour car ride with my mother.
But, needed or not, that was just what I got. We sped down the highway as my mom continued to offer painful attempts at conversation. I sat mutely, a packed bag between my feet, staring out the window. It was the epitome of awkward and lasted far too long. I just wanted to curl into a ball and turn off my brain, but sappy love longs kept coming on the radio, and my mother asked about Sav…my weekend getaway certainly hadn't done me any good at that point.
More than anything, I just wanted to press my hands over my ears and scream.
But I refrained, and, around midnight we pulled up to Dad's new apartment. "Thanks for driving me," I thanked my mother halfheartedly as I kissed her on the cheek. "You want to come up and say hello to Dad?"
She yawned and looked at the radio clock. "Maybe I could stay for…the night," she squinted, obviously doing the math that she wouldn't get back home till the early morning.
I nodded as she turned off the car. Together, we trudged up the stairs, and stopped in front of door 3A. My dad must have been waiting for us because as soon as I raised my hand to knock, the door swung open. "Clare, Helen! I'm glad you made it alright. I pulled out the trundle bed; I figured you'd both stay the night and I don't have too much space."
Mom nodded, "That's fine, Randall, thank you."
Since it was so late, there wasn't much in the way of conversation—which was perfectly fine with me. I hugged my dad hello and walked into the tiny closet of a spare room. Once I had settled down into the unfamiliar bed, I stared blankly at where the moon was shining brightly outside the tiny window. I knew that I was further away, physically, from my problems. But alone in the unfamiliar bed, I had never felt closer to the demons that were swirling around my thoughts, unrelenting.
Sav, Eli, Sav, Eli, Sav, Eli…there was no end to the confusion. I was no closer to realizing what I wanted, needed. No closer to knowing which relationship I should have been desperately trying to rebuild.
By the time the sun was rising, spilling buttery orange across the walls, I had my head buried in my journal. Back and forth, I wrote paragraphs on end for each boy, delving into who they were, how they made me feel, everything they stood for. Still, when I nodded off around six in the morning, I wasn't any closer to realizing what I was going to do.
A few hours later, I woke up groggy, but with a delicious aroma beckoning me to my dad's tiny, new kitchen.
"You made pancakes," I stated to obvious, rubbing my eyes open to see my dad—wearing an apron—posed at the oven. It was such a comforting, old memory…that I couldn't help but smile for the first time in what felt like ages.
It was quickly wiped away, though, when I remembered a particularly special morning consisting of paper crowns and stolen glances.
Dad seemed to notice, a slight frown turning down his mouth for just a second. "Of course I did! It's not every weekend that I have my baby girl to keep me company. I had to do something special."
"Well, thanks," I tried to retrieve the grin, but thoughts of Sav had scared it off for good. I pulled out a chair at the modest table and watched my dad flip the pancakes delicately. "What happened to Mom?"
"She took off early; figured she'd give us some time alone."
"Oh," I nodded and then let the conversation fall to the wayside.
Dad was always much more receptive to my moods than Mom…he seemed to sense that he shouldn't push just then. Instead, he just brought a plate loaded with comforting calories and allowed me to eat in silence. As if we were in synch, never really stopped living together, he slid the Arts and Entertainment section of the newspaper over to me as he browsed the Sports page.
For the first time in a week, I felt myself relaxing.
After all the pancakes had been—guiltily—devoured, we slowly washed up the kitchen. Dad hummed lightly under his breath, but it wasn't until we had made the place spotless again that he really broke the silence.
"If you're up for it, Clare-bear, I have a day planned for us…"
He was leaving it up to me. If I wanted to, he'd let me lock myself in the guest bedroom all day…but since I was actually there, spending the first real time with my dad since he had moved, I didn't want to play the part of the recluse. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to be my daddy's little girl; the one who knew nothing of heartache and betrayal.
"That sounds nice," I worked up the smile once again, moving in to give my dad a kiss on the cheek. "Just let me shower and change."
As soon as I was clean and had pulled on a dress, I met my dad back in the kitchen. While I was in the shower, he had changed into something nicer as well, and he held out his arm for me. Silently, I looped my arm through his, stifling a giggle as I tried to remember that I was supposed to be devastated, depressed and lonely.
But, with my dad, apparently that was impossible. He had planned out this perfect day—taking me to a bookstore, stopping for coffee whenever we got the least bit sluggish…Italian for lunch, a strip mall afterward. He told me about his job, peppered me with questions about school, and told me all about his co-works and how he was adjusting. I offered little information about what was actually going on in my life, preferring to hear him talk about how happy he was.
At any rate, it allowed me to forget about my own misery for several hours.
But as we walked up the stairs of his new place, I could feel the panic slowly starting to creep into my consciousness again. I didn't want to go back to bed for another sleepless night. I wanted the day to last forever.
Dad seemed to sense my growing discomfort and anxiety because as I started to sulk to my room, he called me back. "Clare," his voice was gentle but demanding. I froze. "I know you need space, but don't you think it's about time you tell me what's up with you."
"I don't know what you're talking about," my voice was strangled with fear as I turned back to face him.
"I think we both know that's not true," he accused, taking his seat at the kitchen table. "Come here."
I didn't bother to dispute him. But I refused to open up.
"Why haven't you been sleeping?" he started in right away.
"I sleep fine," I tried, but I knew the dark circles under my eyes talked for themselves. "I'm just stressed."
"Okay, what about?"
"I don't know…school?" I didn't sound very convincing.
"Clare, sweetie, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
I blinked a couple times, trying to hold back tears. He was right. If I was going to figure this out, I needed help…help from someone who would love me unconditionally even though I had screwed up so royally. I needed my daddy.
"I-I did something bad," I gulped.
Dad raised an eyebrow. "That's a start; tell me more."
"Okay…but promise you'll still love me after," I sniffled.
"Clare, what happened," genuine concern and just a hint of hysteria colored my dad's tone. It was time to get out with it.
"I think I kind of cheated on Sav," I mumbled.
"You think, kind of?" he asked, understandably confused.
"It's a long story," I sighed, letting my head sink to the table as a few tears slid down my cheeks.
"You're here for the night," my dad reminded me, brushing back my hair in a comforting gesture that made me feel like a little girl again.
And so I told him—everything. I told him about Eli, how we met, Eli's past and the way everything caught me off guard. I didn't go into detail about the kiss, I couldn't, but I made it clear why it had confused me so much.
I told my dad about Sav's song, about my selfish attempt to immediately worm my way back to his good graces. I told Dad how sad I was without him, how much I missed him. How I had destroyed everything with Alli, too.
Once I was finished, cried out and exhausted, my dad paused for a long time, digesting all the information. "That's certainly a brain teaser," he finally sighed.
"Helpful," I pouted, expecting more.
"Well, Clare, I can't tell you what to do. Only you can figure that out for yourself—cliché, but true." He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "What I can tell you, is what I know about love. I know it may sound fickle coming from me, since I divorced the only woman I ever really loved, but that was what was best for your mother and me. We needed to be alone. Still, if you truly love someone, not having them in your life invokes a terrible fear inside you," he pointed to my heart, a smile filled with ancient sadness on his lips. "Just try living without them for a while; you'll figure it out."
I nodded, my mind already kicking into overdrive. After all, wasn't that what I was doing, living without them. And I realized there was a fear inside me…and I knew, suddenly, which one I could never live without.
Dad seemed to see it in my eyes, because he nodded. "He's a good guy, Clare. Just don't push him, and things will work out eventually."
XXX
When I was back at school on Monday, I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world. Or at least one apology I needed desperately to make.
Dad had dropped me off mid-day on Sunday, and—after I caught up on my homework—I had spent the evening thinking about what I needed to say, to do. I even enjoyed a pleasant dinner with Mom and slept the recommended 8 hours.
The day wasn't going to be easy—when had my life been easy, I couldn't remember a time—but I was finally feeling up for it. It was time to own up to my mistakes, and get my life back in order: one person at a time.
Thankfully, the person I was looking for was right where I was expecting him to be—at our lockers.
"Hey," I greeted as casually as I could.
"Oh, look who decided to talk to me," Eli's voice was harsh, each word clipped with bitterness.
"I know I don't deserve it, but give me a chance to explain?"
He gazed at me long and hard, the piercing green eyes cutting through my defenses. And that was always the problem, wasn't it? Just one look from Eli and I felt naked, defenseless; like I had no choice but to be myself and nothing but all of myself. I tried to hide my shiver. This was going to be harder than even I had anticipated.
Crossing his arms over his chest, Eli turned to face me head on. "I'm listening."
"I'm sorry, okay? I know those words can mean very little, they're almost never enough. But I am truly, sincerely sorry for what I've put you through. The truth is…this is all my fault. I should have realized what was going on with me and you before it snuck up on me so completely. And, I know this is small comfort, but I think I love you, too, Eli. I'm just not…in love with you." I paused for a moment, watching the hurt in his eyes, letting it penetrate me so completely that I wanted to double over in pain. My eyes teared up, but I continued, "I know it's selfish of me, but I really don't want to lose you as a friend. You're one of the best I've ever had, and I just…I don't want to be without you. Still, I'll understand if you say no…because I am in love with Sav, Eli. I absolutely need him, and I am going to do everything in my power to fix what I've broken. If you can't handle that…I'll get it. No judgments, no hard feelings. And that's the whole truth. I just thought you deserved to hear it."
I could feel my resolve crumbling—how could I have done this to the boy who put so much trust in me, graced me with his whole story and expected me to keep him safe. I was a horrible person, I knew, and I just needed to get away before the tears started.
Without waiting for an answer, sure that Eli would turn on me in disgust anyway; I turned on my heel, ready to bolt down the hallway.
But Eli had quick reflexes. He caught me by the arm, forcing me to stay in place.
"Okay," was all he said.
"Okay…what?" I dared to ask after a pregnant silence.
"Look Clare, there aren't very many people in the world like you. And it's going to be hard, I'm sure, but no way in hell am I letting you just walk out of my life. So, just answer me this, does he make you happy?"
"I—yeah, he really does," I gulped.
"Then that's all that matters," Eli asserted gruffly. He was being strong, defiant…but he still wasn't able to totally lock up the pain in his eyes. This was going to kill him—our friendship would never be the same. It was always going to be painful in a torturous kind of way. But if he was willing to stick it out…I was selfish enough to let him.
"Thank you," I all but whispered.
"So," Eli took a deep breath, doing his best to mute the agony in his eyes. "What's the plan?"
"What do you mean?"
"You need to get Sav back. And I am going to help."
