A/N: I'm sorry, again, for the late update. It's been like, 3 weeks since chapter 3? OTL

Forgive me, I really wanted to update sooner but I've been awfully busy. I do plan to start on ch5 this weekend to make up for the late update. I have a lot stuff to do but I'll try my hardest. Well that's enough rambling, please enjoy the new chapter :)

Rating: T/T+ (for implied stuff and cursing)

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama nor it's characters :)


~ So here I am, arms holding on to a shattered glass heart,

holding onto a sweet kid whom I just hurt in the worst possible way...

Guilt runs through my mind while hot tears slowly burn into my shoulder

as soft muffled cries fills the air around me,

making me remember me that there are also such sad moments in life... ~

We just stand there, holding on to each other, silently... like time has stopped for us, not wanting to break the fragile silence. I'm not sure what I should do with all this, the confession, the painful memories of his sweet, cruel words and the awkwardness that will occur once we meet again, but I can't help but hold on to the small trembling body in my arms. I can't help but want to give him at least this fragile moment of warmth... Burning hot tears slowly drench my shoulder and neck as muffled sobs break through the silence around us...

After what feels like an eternity Sougo finally lets go of me, trying to dry his tears with his uniform while he awkwardly looks at his feet. "I'm... I'm sorry Danna. I didn't mean to say those things, I didn't mean to tell you... ... it just... just... sort of slipped out.." his voice is so soft it's almost a whisper. Even now this sweet little kid is trying to restore what just shattered, trying to make things less painful for me while he's the one who is in the most pain... I gently ruffle through his hair before I answer in a gentle tone; "Baka... I'm the one who should apologize, not you..."

He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to simply enjoy these lasts moments of simple affections, those precious moments warmth before these will also shatter... when they'll leaving nothing but cold sadness behind...

"Thank you, Gin-san. Thank you for listening to me... But I'm fine now.. I really am. So, you should go... Because he needs you... he needs you more then I do..." With a painfully gentle smile he looks up to me while he, for the last time, caresses my cheek. A hint of sadness is reflected in his eyes, betraying his real feelings. I just give a small nod as I get the hint before I slowly start to walk away. Even though it's obvious he wants to be able I'm unable to shake off the feeling I'm just leaving him there... all alone...

I won't look back. I won't. But it's so painful not to... I want to, I feel my heart ache at the thought of how he must feel as he sees me walking away.. each step bring me a little closer towards the person he hates the most in the whole world... I couldn't bear that thought... how is he able to keep on smiling like that? I won't look back. But once I'm at the door I whisper my last words before I take a deep breath and take a step forward, a step towards the door, towards the light while leaving him behind here, alone in the darkness... Before I reach the light I softly whisper;

~ Thank you... I think I also kind of like you... but... it's just not enough...

I wish it was, really, but I'm sorry... it's not... ~

~ I'm not sure how things will work out with Hijikata-kun

but I'll try, I'll try... For my sake but also for yours,

I'll give it my all to find happiness, I promise,

so promise me you don't you give up on yours either... ~

As I walk through the streets of Edo I notice how busy they have become since this morning. Well, it is to be expected since the weather is so nice that a lot of people decide to go outside but still... The sun is fully awake now and the sound of people chatting is relaxing me a little. I keep walking towards the center, my destination being the big Edo bathhouse as Okita told me. I keep on walking but I can't get my mind clear, I keep wondering about stuff...

What will happen when Hijikata-san sees me? Do I really like him? If I do, just how much?... What if he doesn't even likes me? No wait. If that were so Okita wouldn't set this up... right? But since it's Hijikata we're talking about, who says he'll even admit that he has feelings for me? Is this really a good idea? And... What if... what if I were to choose Okita? I mean it's not like I don't have any feelings for him... but.. … no, no. I think I could say I kind of like him but it's not as strong as for what I feel for Hijikata. But then again, what exactly do I feel for him? And more importantly; what am I gonna do with those feelings?...

Completely lost in thought I almost walk past the bathhouse. I shake my head a few times, I need to focus on meeting Hijikata-san in a few minutes even though I'm not too sure what I want or what I'll say... A stern looking guy is standing before the entrance of the bathhouse. I swallow and gather all my courage before I walk towards him, trying to convince myself that everything will work out... somehow.

The man looks at me with a hint of curiosity before he asks "are you perhaps Gintoki-sama, a friend of Okita-sama?" Uhh, why the -sama? I guess Okita has rather loyal underlings who really respect and look up to him... "Yes I am, Gintoki Sakata at your service. Okita just told me about all this.. ... So, can I go in?" I feel rather uncomfortable as I don't know how much this guy knows. "Of course, Gintoki-sama. I'll guard the entrance for you, nobody else will be allowed to enter this place as long as you're in. Please take your time and enjoy." He turns and opens the door for me, smiling while doing so. I thank him for his service and finally enter the bathhouse...

As I walk towards the changing room I feel my heart pounding as crazy, just knowing that Hijikata-kun and I will meet in a few more minutes is enough to make me feel all nervous. Just what am I, a sixteen year old school girl with a secret crush? Get yourself together Gin-san! I let out a tired sigh, I still don't know what to do nor what I actually expect from all this. It's not like I'm planning on confessing that I have feelings for him as soon as we meet... but what am I gonna say then? I'm finally admitting that I do have some feelings for him (I'm finally past the denial stage) but I'm not too sure yet what I feel and what I actually want to do with those feelings..

Do I want to have a relationship with him?... Is it all right to think he also feels something for me? Judged on his actions this morning he probably has some kind of feelings for me... but... but how strong are those?... On the other side, what will I do if he rejects me? And what will I do if he doesn't?.. Uggh, Why is this all so complicated?

Okay relax Gin-san. What if you were to get into a relationship. What would be the first thing that you would do? Oh yeah, hiding that fact from those 2. It's not like I can tell those 2 brats "Guess what, Hijikata-kun and Gin-san are in a relation now, isn't that nice, ehehehe?" China brat will probably smack me so hard on the head I won't even be able to see Shinpachi's reaction... Sigh. Well I can't blame her if she were to react like that; I have to admit; it's a crazy story. Me and Mayora. It's not like we were even friends before all this shitty feelings-got-in-the-way stuff happened. We were more like... enemies? No, that's also not exactly true. There were those times I helped him and oh, that one time when he- wait a moment. Stop thinking about useless stuff! You're forgetting the main point Gin-san, again.

Back to the problem; Am I really ready for all this?... Even If I were ready for the reactions others will give, íf we were to get into a relationship, would be we even be able to work things out? Up till now, all we've done is harass each other from time to time and fight. Do we even match? Hell no. But... He isn't thát different from me sometimes... I guess that could work out in the end? But what abou- Okay. Forget it. This is just plain stupidity! Get yourself together Gin-san. It's not like things will change if you keep thinking about them. Things will only happen if you do something about it so just go now, gó and see what'll happen. What you're gonna say to others and worries about relationships is something you'll only have to worry about áfter you've spoken with Hijikata-kun and both of you like each other...

I bang my head against the wall, uggh, I really sound like a stupid teenager in love, I'm almost disgusted at myself. I feel a little embarrassed, getting all nervous like that just from thinking about Hijikata-kun! I let out a grumble, damn, all that worrying is giving me a headache.

I shake my head a few times, trying to shake off those useless thoughts. Stupid Mayora, screwing with my head even when he's not here. Damn, all I've been thinking about all day is him! I begin to quickly undress myself, wanting to distract myself from the endless worries. When I'm done I hastily wrap a towel around my hips and slap myself on the cheeks, trying to encourage myself a little before walking to the baths. I guess it can't be helped now, I'll just see how things will go and hope that he won't reject me... as for what'll happen after that... I'll worry about that later. Just relax Gin-san, you can do it... probably.

After finally calming down a little I realize I don't even know which bath he'll be in. Great, now where do I start? There are a lot different rooms, which one is the right one? Walking towards the first room I see I make sure to be as silent as possible, just in case he'll be in this one. As I slowly get closer I feel my heart pounding a lot quicker than normal, just why am I so nervous? What am I expecting from doing all this?... When I finally reach the room I quickly scan the different baths inside of it and to my surprise I immediately spot him. Must be a lucky shot to find him in the first room! But... what should I do now? He's sitting with his back towards me so he probably hasn't noticed me yet. I know that bath is the one with a underwater bank build in it... so... maybe I should just sit next to him, and talk to him, nonchalantly?... Ughh, why is this so hard? Well it's not like I have an other option so I'll just go to him...

I slowly begin to walk towards him, trying not to make any sound. Maybe.. maybe I shouldn't do this... It's not too late turn back now and leave... ... No. No, I can't do that. I promised myself that I wouldn't run away anymore. And I promised Okita that I would try my hardest... So I have to see this through to the end. My heart is almost exploding now, I still have no idea what to do when he'll finally notice me. When I'm standing almost next to him I quickly glance at him and to my surprise I notice he has his eyes closed, Wait, what? Is he... sleeping? Did I worry like crazy only to find him slééping?

Looking again I now notice that his cheeks are a bit flustered, probably from sitting a long time in the warm water. I slowly move closer to him, praying really hard that he won't wake up now, it would be beyond awkward. Standing close at the edge of the bath I closely observe him again, good, he's still sleeping. But now what. I can't just stay here and do nothing the entire time. Maybe... maybe I should sit next to him? After all, this ís a bath... so it wouldn't be that strange to go in, right?

I slowly take a step into the warm water, trying to make the water move as less as possible. After all, I'm still not sure if I'm ready to talk with him, if he were to wake up now... After a while I'm finally sitting in the bath with a normal distance between us. The water is indeed rather warm as I expected, that would explain the flustered cheeks he has.

Being the nervous wreck I am, I just sit next to him while trying to relax myself a little. I try to enjoy the bath, being here is like bathing in luxury. The bath house is well known for it's luxury and this bath seems to have different jacuzzi functions, (big bubbles, small ones, colored ones, different kinds of soap etc), there's an underwater bank that sits extremely comfortable, the complete bath is being heated so it's comfortable to lean with your back on and a lot other nice things. Not that it matters, I barely notice all that as I'm lost in my worries. I close my eyes, getting a slight headache from all this. Every time I'm reminded that I'm sitting next to Hijikata-kun I feel my heart beating a little too fast and a nervous feeling runs through my stomach... I let out a soft groan, there's no way I can relax in a situation like this!

I slowly open my eyes and turn a little towards Hijikata-san so I can have a better look, noticing he hasn't moved at all since I last saw him. Unable to stop myself I just keep looking at him, it's quite a rare opportunity to be able to look at him without getting a glare back... Even though I feel a bit like I'm doing something I shouldn't I just keep on looking, he's so... entrancing...

Seeing him without shirt also makes me notice he's rather muscular. It's not like you don't see it when he wears his uniform but only now I realize he seems rather tough. Well, yeah... I guess that chasing after wanted men on a daily basis is quite a harsh workout... Good work, keeping him in shape like this, Zura!

There's something special, almost pleasurable seeing him peacefully asleep like this. After all; seeing him in a vulnerable state with his guard completely down is something I've never seen before. His sleeping face is really different from his usual tense one. He seems a lot more relaxed, the usually stern expression has made place for a neutral, almost happy one... As I keep watching I suddenly realize that it's not enough to just watch him like this.

I... want to see more.. not just this expressions but all of them. The sad ones... the happy ones... the insecure ones... I want to know all of them. I want to know how he looks when he's feeling comfortable, when he's embarrassed, when he's curious, when he's shy, when he's feeling down... ... I want to see them... But above all; I want to see him with that special look in his eyes, a soft blush on his cheeks and the gentle expression he'll only show towards his special person. And I want that to be me... I don't want him to look gently towards others, just to me... just me. Can't it be me?...

Lost in thought and realization I don't notice Hijikata-kun is moving a little, nor do I notice the fact that he's softly whispering something. Only after he lets out a soft moan I wake up from my thoughts, feeling a little confused at my sudden possesiveness, thinking about that I want him to be mine. I guess that means that I.. I.. really do like him... Wait, what was that? eehh?~ No I must have heard that wrong... I mean, was that... no way... a moan?

Hijikata-kun keeps whispering things but I can't hear what he's saying because I'm too far away. As he keeps talking it makes me really curious, what could he be saying? I slowly move a little closer towards him, noticing that our heads are just a few inches apart now... So close... Arrgh, stupid Gin-san! This is not the moment to be worrying about that, focus! I quickly shake off the light embarrassment as I'm finally close enough to be able to hear what he's saying;

"Nggh.. … .. aahh~... d-don't... … nghhh! Don't... … aaahh~ nhh.. ... so.. good... .. ne~.. … Aaahhn!.."

Once I realize what he's saying I feel my cheeks burning, just what does this mean? Is he.. … no way... It can''t be. It's just impossible. Impossible! But.. ... Doesn't this sound like Hijikata-kun is dreaming about, well.. .. that? About doing perverted things?... Confused to hear Hijikata-kun say (or rather moan) these things I'm unable to do anything, I'm stunned. I'm not sure if I should leave to give him some privacy or if it's better to wake him up... though that would be awkward and I'll probably be too confused to have a normal conversation with him... Just when I'm almost standing, deciding it's better that I'll leave him be I hear his soft voice again, freezing me on the spot;

"Ahh~... nhh.. ngg... … feels so... … ahhhn~ … .. h-h-harder.. …. ngg... .. mean!... … …. p.. .. p-please?.. .. ... nghh! … .. m-more... .. …. m-more.. .. please?... ..."

Damn, damn damn damn damn it! Just who am I trying to fool here? There's no way I can resist a sleeping, moaning, flustered, hell, bégging Hijikata-kun! I sit down again, this time almost too close to him. I feel my cheeks burning, just how am I supposed to ignore this once in a lifetime opportunity? I notice I'm panting softly as I move a little closer, damn this is getting really hard for me to ignore... He looks so tempting... No, no..! I can't ravish him in his sleep, that's illegal for gods sake! But it's his fault for moaning like that... I mean he's even begging, the demonic vice-commander is bégging right before my eyes. It sounds so sexy, just hearing it is turning me on.. There's a limit to Gin-san's restraint!

I move a little closer to him, my face only a few inches away from his now. I can slightly feel his hot breath ghosting over my lips, making my mind go crazy. Ahh, no, this... I shouldn't.. ... too much.. ..I shouldn't do this... kissing a sleeping Hijikata-kun isn't right! But... .. I want to do it so much, he's so close.. so tempting... Gathering every bit of self-control I have I lean back a little, knowing I should stay away from those tempting lips. Taking in a deep breath of air I try to clear my mind a little, trying só hard not to give in... when I hear those words;

"Nghh... .. aah!.. … … yes... .. s-so good.. … .. nhhh~ … .. .. … please.. … ne~ .. Gin-san!~.."

When I hear him moaning, moaning my name, everything simply goes blank. My self-control shatters into thousand pieces and before I know it I lean in closer, wanting to close the remaining distance between us. Withoyut thinking I put a hand behind his head, pulling him a little closer towards me and let out a soft groan as I can almost feel his lips on mine. I part my lips a little and before I realize what I'm actually doing I press them softly on his...

My mind turns completely white as soon as I touch his almost burning hot yet soft lips. An unknown feeling runs through my stomach and I'm having trouble to remember how to breath... I silently moan in the kiss, it feels so, só good...

I never expected to feel so much just from a kiss but this is mind blowing! It makes my hart ache a little, I feel extremely blissful but somehow the sweetness almost makes me want to cry. His hot breath is overwhelming, setting my mind on fire as those soft lips make my senses go numb... I never felt so blissful, nostalgic or sad at the same time. It feels so good, the kiss is so sweet it's almost painful... my heart feels like it's bursting from this unknown feeling... it's almost scaring me, all those mixed feelings... but I've also never felt this safe, like a gently and bright light is warming up my heart... It makes me feel like crying, makes me want to shed hot, almost burning tears because of this bittersweet kiss...

I can feel Hijikata tensing up a little in my embrace but he relaxes quickly, leaning slightly into my awkward hug. For a while he just seems to wait, silently accepting my kiss as his soft lips are pressing ever so lightly on mine... A soft little cute moan is being heard as I gently deepen the kiss a little, sending a jolt of happiness towards me...

His warm hand suddenly touches my cheek softly, gently caressing the soft skin it feels. He turns his head a little and presses those sinfully soft lips a little harder on mine, moaning ever so softly as he does...

I never could have imagined that he could act so cute and lovely... it should be illegal to be this alluring... I just can't seem to get enough of him, I want to stay like this forever.. just the two of us in our own little world of bright blissful sweetness. I moan a little as Hijikata adds a little more pressure again, he slowly seems to lose himself in this almost painfully sweet kiss...

After what feels an eternity I finally pull back, as slowly as possible.. I really didn't want it to end but I had to, the kiss was getting so mind blowing I had trouble remembering how to breath again... Hijikata also pulls back a little as I -reluctantly- let go of his soft hair, just how did my hand end up there again?... I don't even remember when I closed my eyes... I feel a soft blush spreading on my cheeks, it's rather embarrassing to admit to myself that this kiss had so much impact on me. I mean it was absolutely mind blowing but it's rather awkward to think it moved me só much... As shame slowly takes over my mind I look down, fidgeting a little with my fingers. Hijikata seems to finally wake up from his own trance as he softly scratches his throat a few times. An awkward silence fills the space between us as neither of us know what to say. What should I do?.. It's not normal to wake up from someone kissing you, is it? Just how am I gonna explain this? I don't even know for myself why I did it... Should I... just tell him about my feelings?...

Finally, after a few minutes but what felt like hours, Hijikata breaks the awkward and tense silence; "S-so... ehhm... .. what a-are you doing here?... and... … ehh... .. why were you.. well... .. you know... .. doing that..?" his soft voice makes clear he's as confused and embarrassed as I am, well I can't blame him. I let out an awkward laugh while scratching the back of my head, just what am I gonna tell him? "I.. umm.. .. I don't really know to be honest... it's just that.. .. I kind of wanted to apologize for this morning you know?... .." I scratch my throat as I'm starting to feel really nervous, god this is so awkward! "I just... wanted to tell you that I'm not.. .. it wasn't a joke... .. so... I think I want to talk about it?..."

Hijikata looks at me, surprised to hear those words. He probably expected me to say something like "I'm just here to have some fun with you" so this must be a real shock to him... A blush is spreading on my cheeks again, why won't he say anything? It's making me nervous as hell! Just... say something...

I can hear him taking in a deep breath before he finally replies; "Are you... do you really mean that...?" I just give him a small nod, still looking down as I'm too embarrassed to look at him "Really?... because.. .. well... I.. … IthinkIkindoflikeyoualittle... so... don't you dare to say this was a joke too... I won't forgive you if you do... I'll make you commit seppuku then!" Even though he's making a threat his voice shakes a little, revealing his true feelings behind those words..; ~please... don't let this be a lie... I don't want it to be... please say you really mean it this time...~ Those thoughts, the true meaning behind those harsh words are so sweet yet so sad, they take my breath away. When I finally look at him I see that his cheeks are bright red and he stares down, awkwardly biting on his underlip while doing so...

This is bad... my heart is pounding so hard right now... I'm so happy, só happy just to hear those words... I think I'm gonna go crazy from all these feelings but it's not enough.. just a little more... more... "No, I sweat that I mean it. I'm not joking around, I promise". A suspicious glare is being sent to me before he looks away again, I guess he's still not fully convinced... Without thinking I place my hand on his head again, gently caressing his soft hair while I wrap the other around his waist, slowly pulling him closer. Surprised by my sudden action Hijikata doesn't resist and even puts his arms around me too. I pull him closer, as close towards me as I can without hurting him before I softly whisper in his ear;

~I'm really serious... I like you Hijikata, I like you a lot...

Whenever I look at you I get this strange, almost happy feeling in my stomach,

when I'm with you my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do or say,

I've been yours all this time, I just didn't knew or wanted to admit it

not to you, to myself or anyone else...

but the truth is, my dear Hijikata,

I really, really like you... ~

I can feel Hijikata's soft, burning cheeks against my own and a soft gasp gently breaks the silence between us. Hijikata doesn't reply, not knowing what to say after hearing those sweet, sweet words. He just clings onto me, his face buried in my neck as he's too embarrassed to look at me. I tenderly caress his hair and after a while I hear a soft voice; "Really..? Do you really mean that?.." I let out a soft light chuckle before I reply;

"Yeah... yeah I really mean that... I like you. I like the way you smile, when you're laughing or when you're smiling a sad smile. I like how you look when you're getting serious in a fight... The way you're capable of leading the people in the Shinsengumi all on your own... The way you respect the old samurai code like few people do... The way you're always trying to help the people in Edo.. the way you fight, how you look when you're sleeping... you're embarrassed and flushed face, the way you sound when you're getting annoyed.. The way you look when you've captured a criminal, how you look when you're tired, the way you protect the other Shinsengumi members by never losing your calm... even when you actually want to break down, you keep up the facade to give them hope... The way you looked at me just a few moments.. I like all of it... so please don't ever think I'm not being serious about you again, okay?"

I place a soft kiss at the top of his head while I continue to caress his hair and back, patiently waiting for a reply. His fingers are holding on to me really tight, almost in a possessive way... "Y-you idiot... how can even say those embarrassing things? I'm almost dying of shame here, you baka..." I let out a soft chuckle, well it's true it's rather awkward to say those things aloud, especially since I only recently admitted to myself I really like him but still, it felt good to say it. A whisper interrupt my thoughts, it's so soft I almost can't hear it...

"M-me too... I.. .. I-I also like you.."


A/N: Ahww~ Who knew Hijikata could be rather cute? Well that was rather hard chapter to write... it's quite difficult to write fluff.
Even so I hope all Gintoki x Hijikata fans liked this chapter :) For those who are waiting for smut, I'll continue it in the next chapter.