Hello there people, and welcome to...
STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW
Part 2
Still hoping you are enjoying the amusingness. I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes here because I seem to have a weird inability to spot them whilst on the editing page and can only notice them one the chapter has been published. Oddly. Also there was a mistype where I accidentally put "Merlin" instead of "Spock." This was because it was a joke carried over from the last chapter of my Merlin Amusing Reviews. It shouldn't happen again :)
Enjoy and laugh to your heart's content, me friends.
4 – Back in Iowa, where the funky music plays...
Some red-clothed, long-haired woman is strutting through the funky music club, having lots of fun and saying hello to her similarly red-clothed friends. They have to be students. She funky-struts up to the bar and orders a rediculous amount of drinks. Definately students.
BARMAN Hey, why don't you order one of JJ Abram's trademark things he tries to insert into all his movies
FUNKY STUDENT WOMAN Why not?
SOME GUY That's a lot of drinks for one woman
If he thinks thats a good chat up line then he is veeeeery wrong. He then attempts to order her a drink and fails miserably because Funky Student Woman is far too badass for him. Ha. She doesn't even want to know his name. Rejection. 'Pwned. Goodbye sir, you go home dateless. The random long-faced alien sitting between the pair looks slightly annoyed that he is being talked over. Poor random long-faced alien.
GUY Name's Jim Kirk and that is so awesome that it is accompanied by a lensflare
WOMAN And I'm Uhura and I'm so not impressed
RANDOM LONG-FACED ALIEN These people think they're so funny. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and I have to listen to students trying to exchange funny banter *sigh*
Oh, and Uhura is her last name and she's not giving anyone her first name. What is it, something weird like Marmaduke? In the meantime, have some MOAR LENSFLARE! And Jim finally goes to actually sit next to her and leave the long-faced alien guy in relative peace (or as much peace as you can get in a bar full of students and funky music).
KIRK What are you studying then? Seeing as I can tell you're a student from the obscene number of drinks and the uniform
UHURA Xenolinguistics
KIRK Oo, that means you've got a talented tongue
UHURA *amused but trying to hide it* Stop attempting to flirt with me. Please.
STUDENT BLOKE Hey, this guy isn't bothering you?
UHURA Woah! Cliche much! And he is but I can handle it. I'm awesome and funky like that
Kirk doesn't give up on his flirting attempts, which annoys the newly dubbed "Cupcake" to no end. And there's more students than there are Jim Kirk's hanging around so he'd better watch it. Uhura ignores them in favour of drinking a shot from a weird ice-cream-cone-shaped glass which is pointless because you'd never be able to put it down anywhere. Anyway, smug!Kirk is feeling smug.
KIRK So get some more guys and then it'll be an even fight *patronisingly pats Cupcake on the cheek*
CUPCAKE *is not impressed and punches Kirk in the face*
And thus a bar brawl breaks out, much to Uhura's chagrin, during which time Kirk proves that he can kick some ass and takes an oppurtunity to fondle Uhura and look amug about it before she shoves him away, now completely making a point to never go out with him ever. Even so she does attempt to get the student guys to stop beating him to a pulp. And though that doesn't work, the whistling of a guy who is evendently their adult superior eventually gets them to quit punching Kirk in the face. Teacher guy is not best pleased, though he can whistle very loud.
I can't whistle at all. *sigh*
A bit later on, bar now empty of students, the teacher bloke (also known as Captain Pike) is having a nice little chat with Kirk, who has a couple of tissues up his nose and looks rather silly. Pike gives Kirk a nice little lecture about how similar he is to his dad George, who Pike appears to have admired, and also that he is rather clever. All of which culminates in the offer to enlist in Starfleet. Unsure!Kirk is unsure.
And so we fade from Kirk staring at a salt dispenser that is shaped like a spaceship for some reason to Kirk riding through feilds on his motorbike down to the shipyard (which is like a shipyard at the seaside, except for spaceships, and thus is way more industrail and awesome looking) in order that the filmmakers will have some decent footage to create a nice trailer. With the sun all risen and the place all sunny, he pulls up in time for Pike to spot him and to brag at Pike that he'll be able to get through the training in three years rather than four.
The shuttle is filled with students in red uniforms, uncluding Cupcake and Uhura who don't look particularly pleased to see Kirk. Kirk bashes his head (amusingly) and sits down just in time to witness a scuffle as some unshaven, ruffled-looking guy is pulled from the toilets and forced into the seat next to him. And he doesn't need a doctor, dammit he is a doctor!
BONES (because of course that's who he is) I may throw up on you
Talk about a greeting. Bones them goes on to list a number of not very nice things that could go wrong. Way to be reassuring.
KIRK Erm, you do know that Starfleet operates in space, right?
BONES ... Yeah. *has a drink from a flask* Whatever. Nothing better to do.
KIRK Riiiight
This could be the start of a beautiful friendship :)
And so the shuttle takes off and we are off into space... Hooray!
5 – Three years later. In space. Where there are pretty gold clouds and a giant insect/porcupine-like ship.
WOAH! Thanks for the lovely close-up on the bald tattooed face of Captain Nero. Looking smug. Sheesh, he's been stuck in space for twenty-five years, how do they pass the time? Scrabble?
Oh, he's been requested on the bridge. Apparently "it's time". Oo.
Anyone else notice that the Romulan's eyes have completely black irises. It's kind of creepy. Then again, they are the badguys. And now they are at the co-ordinates its time for them to wait for the one who destroyed their home. The plot thickens. But they aren't going to kill him, they're going to make him watch... something...
The light outside flickers and sparks and a black hole like the one from the prologue appears in space and out of it flies... The spinning awesome ship that the Romulans had a hologram of. Nero orders it to be captured
NERO Welcome back, Spock
Wait a minute... What?
6 – Kirk and Bones, all dressed in red uniforms, are on campus
And Kirk is happy. And flirting. And taking some test again. So he's gotta study
BONES Study my ass
And, in some bedroom Kirk and some girl are making out. As you do the day before you've gotta take an important test. Then again, I should be revising biology and I'm writing fanfic so I can't talk.
Anyway, the girl orders the lights to turn on and ... GINGER ELPHABA! Yeah. She's green and she's ginger. And her roommate is coming. Hide Kirk! Hide!
And of course her roommate is Uhura. Just had to be, didn't she? Who is not interested in guys. In fact she is far more interested in talking about whatever she's been up to all day, such as tracking solar systems and listening to emergency Klingon transmissions. Ginger Elphaba roommate is impressed- not. Kirk is far more interested in watching Uhura wondering around in her underwear. Ginger Elphaba wants to know if she's going back to the lab tonight.
UHURA Who is he?
Bus-ted.
KIRK Hi there
UHURA YOU! GO THE HECK AWAY!
KIRK If I pass that test tomorrow will you tell me your first name?
UHURA Flirting still not working. At all. Ever. Bye. *shuts door on Kirk*
Once again 'pwned by the funky student lady :)
And now it is the next day, apparent by the blue uniforms everyone is wearing on what appears to be a mock up of a ship's bridge. Where the test- it must be the test because Uhura doesn't exactly sound panicked- is to rescue a stranded ship. Smug!Kirk, acting as captain for the test, is smug and would very much like it if you addressed him as "captain", please.
BONES *eyeroll*
Aaand two Klingon vessels have just locked weapons on their ship. But according to Kirk, that's okay. Bones now thinks that Kirk is out of his mind.
BONES That's okay?
KIRK Yeah, don't worry about it?
BONES What have you been taking?
A zoom out to the people watching the test take place. They seem to think that Kirk must be taking something too.
KIRK *smug grin*
BONES We're all going to die. I don't suppose that this is a problem, either.
KIRK Alert medical to prepare to receive all crewmembers of the stranded ship
UHURA I hate you
BONES Busy being hit and dying here. Going to do anything about it?
KIRK Let me think about it. No. *eats apple*
Kirk is eating an apple. This means he has an ego. Cases in point: Sylar from Heroes has eaten apples smugly a lot. He has an ego. Draco Malfoy eats apples and shoves people out of the way whilst doing it. He has an ego. Now Kirk. Who most certainally has an ego if this scene is anything to go by.
I have weird theories.
Anyway, back in the movie, everything seems to be shutting down and rebooting. People are confused. But when things turn on again, the Klingon ships have no sheild and Kirk orders his crew to fire and destroy them. Meaning he has passed the test.
KIRK Go me. *eats apple*
BONES You... AH!
UHURA I still hate you
Outside of the test area
TEACHER What the fridge just happened
CAMERA *dramatic wooshing pan ending up on...*
SPOCK I do not know
7- and of course the face that Kirk just passed a test demands what is effectively a court case. Oddly
KIRK Whats with all these wooshing camera panning things? I'm starting to get kind of dizzy. And why is everyone here to watch me get told off, surely that isn't necessary? And everyone's wearing red. I'm drowning in red. Even I'm wearing red! WHAT THE FRIDGE! I CAN'T BE A REDSHIRT, I'M THE HERO OF THIS MOVIE!
BONES *sigh*
JUDGE (because he effectively is one and I can't think of any other name to give him) Got anything to say?
KIRK Yeah. Who the heck decided I've commited some kind of crime
SPOCK That would be me *gets up and joins Kirk in front of the "jury", standing behind a conviniently placed second stand*
KIRK Well, at least you're not wearing red.
Lol, Ginger Elphaba is sitting in the stands and standing out rather harshly against all this red. Meanwhile, Spock is lecturing Kirk about how changing the conditions of the test is not allowed, because the entire point of the test is to fail it. Kirk doesn't understand this one little bit. There are more wooshing camera movements. Please, do you want your audience to get all dizzy?
UHURA *smug face* I still hate you
KIRK Yeah. I don't believe in no-win senarios. Put that in your pipe and smoke it
SPOCK I thought you were supposed to be clever
KIRK I am. I'm just not smug about it. And I can speak in plain english. Seriously, can we get some subtitle translations for this guy?
SPOCK I am going to ignore that and instead make anecdotes relating to the fate of your father in order to try and drill the point into your thick skull
KIRK I just think you're sour because I beat your test
SPOCK Still ignoring you.
KIRK *attempting to think of a comeback*
Sorry, no chance. You're going to be inturrupted because, guess what? There's a distress call from Vulcan, of all places, and all the cadets are required to go get on a ship and help out!
SPOCK What? *gets the heck outta there!*
KIRK *to Bones* Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
BONES I dunno. But I like him
Ah, dramatic irony. Love.
Done in the place where people go to get onto spaceships, everybody's name is called out, except for Kirk's, because he is grounded due to being a cheat. The breeze from shuttles taking off ruffles Bones' hair in a rather nice way. Ruffly hair! *squees*
Kirk is not impressed by the ruffly hair. He wants to know why the heck he's not allowed on a spaceship.
BONES Dammit, I am going to regret this later. I have a cunning plan...
Meanwhile, Uhura isn't happy either, even though Ginger Elphaba clearly is happy. She hasn't been assigned to the ship she wants to be on. Hey, you can't get everything, live with it. But no, Uhura is top funky to live with it, she's gonna go complain, walking past Kirk, who doesn't have a clue where Bones is taking him.
UHURA Commander Spock
SPOCK Yes
UHURA I'm a top student and pretty generally awesome, aren't I?
SPOCK Yes
UHURA STOP WALKING AWAY FROM ME!
SPOCK *turns around. Gracefully*
UHURA Why in heck's name have I not been assigned to the USS Enterprise?
SPOCK Because I don't want it to look like favouritism?
UHURA Wrong answer. I'm assigned to the Enterprise.
SPOCK Yes, I believe you are
UHURA Thank you. Bye
SPOCK *inwardly: face-palm*
UHURA *inwardly* I'm awesome
Meanwhile:
KIRK WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU TAKING ME BONES?
BONES Shut up. I'm doing you a favour *injects Kirk with stuff*
KIRK OW! Odd favour.
BONES You owe me. Therefore you are going to get a load of irritating symptoms of a disease even though it won't actually hurt you. Isn't that fun?
KIRK NO!
BONES Meh.
Bones manages to talk his way onto getting onto his assigned ship, the Enterprise (of course) with a rather ill-looking Kirk in tow
KIRK Are you sure that was just a vaccine?
BONES ... Yes.
And so off they go in the shuttle, away from Earth, into space to where the ships are. And the ships are awesome.
KIRK *looking out at the ships, obviously impressed but looking very ill* I may throw up on you
BONES Callbacks. Lovely
To be continued...
Next chapter Bones likes needles, Kirk likes excuses and Nero doesn't like Starfleet ships getting in the way of his evil plans
Also we have the introduction of Sulu and adorable!Checkov :)
Read and Review :)
