A/N: It took me forever to upload this chapter, I know, sorry! I've been sick for weeks and I really wanted to upload it sooner but I couldn't.
Please bear with me, I'll start writing the next chapter as soon as I have inspiration/time.

Rating: T (just some cursing I guess)


For a moment I'm just stunned to hear those words. Not in my wildest dreams could I have hoped to hear them, after all... it's Hijikata we're talking about. It just seems so unreal yet I want to believe it so much... But still, who could have guessed that the Demonic Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi is actually such a cute and rather... awkward guy? Wondering about that I just sit there for a moment, completely stunned by Hijikata's words. Only when I feel his fingers, trembling a little, brushing softly against mine I wake up from my daze, somehow deeply moved by his little display of affection. I let out a soft laugh and grab his slightly trembling hand, giving a soft squeeze as I do so. Hijikata blushes a little and looks away so I look down, observing our hands with a silly yet happy smile. I'm too happy to contain myself, I feel so happy right now...

I just can't help myself. A soft, almost warm feeling runs through my whole body and I feel like I could take on the whole world! I just keep discovering new sides of Hijikata and as I do so I feel like I'm finally learning the real Hijikata... Though it still is stupid to smile like that just because you're holding his hand!.. Yet, for some reason I'm unable to do so. Sigh, I even notice how I'm unable look away from him, I know I shouldn't stare but... I can't help it. My eyes automatically follow his movements, I unconsciously notice all the different expressions he makes and when he does something cute like trying to hold my hand, trembling and all I just feel my heart melting... I guess this is what is means to fall for someone? Well I suppose I did. And pretty hard too...

I lean in a little closer to my, yes my, Hijikata and whisper a soft "thank you" in his ear before I gently pull him into a hug. It feels so good, so ríght to hold him in my arms like this... It feels so natural to do so it almost scares me, like it's almost too good to be true. I wonder why I never noticed it before, how cute and nice Hijikata actually is. Well.. wait. Perhaps I did... but I probably was too stubborn to admit it to myself... Good, enough about that, let's concentrate on more important things... like hugging and being lovey dovey with my sweet Oogushi-kun. I suddenly hear a soft mumble so I reluctantly let go, wondering what he's trying to say.

"It's.. just... sorry. I think I still have to get used to this... and well.. I've never been a really... well, cuddly person you know." A small blush is spreading on his cheeks while he awkwardly looks away, o god, he has no idea how cute he looks right now, it makes me want to hug him even more now! No, wait Gin-san. I shouldn't do that, he just said he needed to get used to being affectionate and stuff.. ... but... but he looks so cute...! I scratch my throat a little awkwardly before I reply; "Well to be honest, I've also never done this before with anyone, this is new for me too... So, umm, what do you wanna do about it? I mean, do you want to talk about it now...?"

Two confused eyes just stare at me, blankly. I scrape my throat again, god this is so awkward, I wish we didn't have to have this conversation! Why doesn't he understand what I mean? "W-well, yeah... umm, we could "come out" as couple... while I highly doubt you would want that with the Shinsengumi looking up to you and stuff... And also not to forget to consider the reaction of others around us... Maybe it would be better if we were to keep it a secret till we've... well... sorted things a little more out?" Hijikata slowly nods, I'm sure he doesn't want to tell the whole Shinsengumi about this, at least not now. I let out a soft laugh, trying to lighten the mood a little "It's not that bad to keep it a secret you know? I mean, secret meetings do have its own.. charm, you know?" Oh shit, I totally sounded like a pervert there! I just meant that they're... interesting in their own way. Of course, after some time it would also be nice because of thát, but that's not what I tried to tell! Arrghh, what if I screwed up? What if he starts thinking I just want his body?

"Ahh... yeah... but before we worry about stuff like that... .. I... I-I think I need some time... I mean, I have to think this all through before I'm able to... ..you know... move further... .. So we should probably keep things a secret, at least for now, ne?" His voice is soft and he doesn't look at me, he's busy fidgeting with his fingers. For some reason I feel a soft ache in my chest, I don't understand what's going on, what is he trying to say and why is my chest aching?... After a long pause I hear Hijikata taking in a deep breath before he continues;

"I-I don't know how long I'll need.. ... .. just... don't seek contact with me, I'll let you know when I'm ready... .. okay..?" No, it's not okay, why do you have to think things through? I thought... I thought you also felt happy when you found out about my feelings. If that was so.. ... then why?... As I don't reply, Hijikata know I'm trying to figure out what he's actually trying to say, what he's trying to do. The awkward silence that follows is slowly tearing me apart, each passing second makes the pain in my chest worse.

Finally it gets interrupted by an uncertain, almost shaking voice; "A-Anyway, I have to go now, you know... things to do... But promise me this; don't tell other people about what happened here between us. I mean it, Gintoki, no one." The subtle change in his voice is the trigger, that which I've been denying unconsciously finally hits me. He doesn't want this... He's trying to get away while telling me he needs time... .. to think...

He isn't reacting the same way as I am. He's not reacting as I wished, hoped he would... He's getting confused about everything, I bet he probably hasn't even thought of what would happen after he would get out of this bath. And he just realized it himself when I asked him those questions... But, I'm sure... he's just... ... ..panicking.

No.. That's a lie... .. ...

He's rejecting me. He's rejecting all what happened and is trying to get away from here, trying to get things back under his control. I... I thought he would be just as happy as I am, I was...? But he isn't... He.. just isn't. For a reason I don't want to admit to myself, that realization hurts me deeply. It hurts; enough to make my heart ache like I've been stabbed. But still, I don't want to admit it. So I just take a deep breath and tell myself it stings so much for no real reason whatsoever. It just... hurts...

"I mean... I just don't want this to leak out before we're even sure of what it is, no, of that what we are, right?... I'm unable to handle things like that so soon, I... just need some time to think things through... alone. ... ... I guess see you later... when things have calmed down a little, okay?.. ..You should see this as a chance for you too, this also gives you time to think what you want to, for example with those two you're living with and... such... ne?.."

All this time he's been avoiding my eyes as he just stares down, not able to look me in the eyes as he knows... he knows his words are hurting me so much yet he can't change it, it's just the way he feels... Even though I wish it were different, I know it's not. And he knows it too.

"I-I"m sorry... I don't know yet... just... please, give me some time... okay?" His soft plead was the last thing I heard. His painful words were still echoing in my head when I felt a soft, hesitant squeeze in my hand before he quickly left the bath, leaving me there. Leaving me behind, alone, confused... and, not that I want to admit it; with an almost shattered heart...

Wait... what the hell just happened? I thought... things would be different from now on... I thought we would you know, go out, hang out together, go on dates, hold hands, watch movies, walk through the park, kiss and watch the sun setting... Oh just stop it Gin-san, those ideas are all lies and you know it. Like you and Hijikata would ever do such things. But... I kind of hoped for something... Maybe a little more... happiness from his side? I kind of expected him to glow a little, like I felt I did... I mean, when I finally realized he also liked me I felt really blissful, I felt great like everything was right for a moment... Is it wrong to think he also felt something like that? Maybe he did... Maybe he.. … didn't.

When I finally realized his feelings I would've liked to yell it through all edo; tell all the the people in the city that he is mine, mine and mine only. I felt like I wanted to claim him, hold him tightly in my arms and never let him go... Just wanted to spent my time with him, doing whatever he wanted, just being by his side would be enough.. I would do everything if it would mean being together with him... I wanted to tell him how cute he looked, how much I liked his awkward expression, how adorable his flustered face looks or how much his soft words melted my heart... Yet he didn't react like that at all. Does that mean... He didn't felt the same way after he spoke those words he's probably regretting?

Am I a fool for still hoping he'll come back to me. For still wanting him to change his mind and let me hold him in my arms, to never let go again? Probably...
Since he reacted like someone just threw a bomb at him... I mean come on, he just ran away from me, I can't even begin to deny that. I know he's probably freaked out because of what happened and of what might happen in the future -like telling the people around us about it- but still... Damn it, it fucking hurts okay?... It makes me question; didn't he felt happy, not even the slightest bit? Did I.. ...Did I make a mistake when I confessed my feelings?... .. ...Ne, did I?...


I have never dressed myself so quickly as I did today. I have no idea what just happened, all I knew is that I wanted, no nééded some space and time. Time to think what exactly happened and what I want to happen in the future... I mean, what will happen from now on? I have no idea! Are we officially going out now? Are we... like... .. b-boyfriends? And if we are... what does that mean? Does he expect us to hold hands while going to a movie and watch the sun going under together?... No, no no no! That's crazy, I can't even begin to imagine doing things like that! I... I don't know it anymore. I know I want us to be more than friends, after all I can't deny that I really like him... but I don't know how to handle the situation...

Shit, am I the only one who is so screwed up with this? I mean I just confessed and got confessed to, shouldn't I be the happiest person in Edo right now? No, it's not like I'm not happy, my heart is still beating way too fast and I feel myself blushing every time I re-call those gentle yet embarrassing words- Stop Hijikata. You're wandering from the issue here. Sigh... It's not like I'm not happy, I am, really... but... .. It's too much at once... Oh god, just how do other people handle stuff like this, I'm going crazy from all this thinking!

It's not thát strange for me to worry, right? There are tons of things to think about before throwing myself in a r-relationship with him... What if people around us won't like it? What if I lose the respect of the soldiers in the Shinsengumi? I wouldn't be able to live with myself, disgracing the Shinsengumi Kondo-san worked so hard for all those years. No, that can't happen, never. It would break my promise I made with myself...

And then there are those brats, how would Kagura and Shinpachi react? Are they willing to share their beloved Gin-san with someone like me? No, especially not Kagura. She's so protective of Gin-san, I would never be accepted... ..And maybe, just maybe that's also a reason why I'm so scared, why I'm running away from him... Because I keep asking myself; should they trust their beloved Gintoki on to someone like me?... Someone whose hands are stained with sins and countless bloodshed's... No! They wouldn't, or rather, they shóuldn't! They would have all the right to not accept me... ..

But... I can't help it but I still want us to be together, somehow. Am I simply being selfish? I don't know how to part right from wrong anymore, is it wrong for me, the Demonic Vice-Commander to care so much for someone and have those feelings returned? I feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not regretting what I've done so far in my life but it's not something I like. Someone who's very existence is hurled around sins and blood isn't worthy of such happiness, I feel like I shouldn't even want it in the first place... Someone like me should end the way he was born; in solitude...

Yet I can't stop those feelings I have, it's too much for me to bear... I never had to deal with a problem like this; I have never felt this way. I never just wanted to be with someone like I want with him... but... I know I can't. No rather, I shouldn't. There are too many uncertain factors. I don't deserve such happiness in the first place. I don't know how to be in a relationship, let alone how to be with someone without constantly holding up my guard. I don't know how to explain these feelings for I can't seem to fully understand them myself... And, those things aside; I don't know how to love, how to care and treat someone who's important to you without raising my sword...

I only ever learned how to cut down those who stand in your way, I never had the chance to lean, never had the chance to be permitted something else, for I was born a warrior. I never learned how to deal with emotions like this and it didn't bother me at all. Because they used to be something that I'd just hear from, something I was sure that wouldn't happen to me. Not to me, I thought. And yet, here I am, confused as hell and running away from my problems... Since when did I become such a weak person? I bet Gin-san hates me by now, for running away like and for saying those cruel words when they should've been sweet whispers of a returned love... I can't help but worry;

Did I... make a mistake? Did I make a mistake when I told him my true feelings while I was simply being ignorant about the future, selfishly telling him those sweet words without thinking... Ne? Was it a mistake to tell him, to give him the short happiness to take it away just a moment later. Did I really mean it, even though when I wasn't fully prepared for the consequences?...

Did I... make a mistake?.. ...

And if I did, is it still within my powers to make things right? No, more importantly... do I want to do that? Yeah I want that..! I don't want to keep running like this, to keep hurting him just because I'm worried and scared. I know I haven't thought things through when I told Gin-san about my feelings but that doesn't mean my confession nor my feelings are a lie. I truly do care about him, hell, he's probably the ONLY person I've ever cared for in this way.. so I want things to work out for us. So...what do I do now? Should I go back and try to explain things?...
No, I can't yet, it's still too soon for me.. I... .. I need more time to think what I truly want and how I'll handle the rest...

Please wait for me, Gintoki. Just... a little longer...


A/N: Thanks for reading! I think there's gonna be some serious stuff happening from here on I guess...

I felt it would be more natural when Hijikata would suddenly deny/doubt all this, it happened so unexpectedly fast and it's really something for him to open up to anyone, so it would be a natural reaction for him to need time and sort things out?... At least that's what I think. I'm not too sure if I'm doing a good job on making him worry so much but yeah, it turned out like this :)

I also want to thank everyone who reviewed, it really motivates and helps me to write :) Thank you for your support and patience to read this story ^^