I'm back. Sorry about the delay, I didn't get a chance to nab the DVD from the bookcase yesterday :) Yeah, we keep our DVDs in a bookcase, what of it?

STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW

Part 3

In which you have to look forward to: McCoy having fun with needles and the introduction of some new characters on teh Starship Enterprise

8 – The Starship Enterprise, which is all big and pretty and shiny and Kirk and McCoy are impressed

Even if Kirk is still feeling all woozy from being injectified. Oh, don't we all love the dramatic music of awesome?

Inside the bowels of the ship, which are all filled with pipes and people walking around in uniform and more shiny things... Oh, and that Pointy-eared bastard (hang on, didn't Bones say "I like him" about five minutes ago? Changed his mind fast). Anyway, Kirk and Bones get the heck out of the way before Spock notices them. The camera follows Spock into a lift and about three seconds later...

Woah! An Apple store! Awesome... Oh no wait, its the bridge. That's shiny too. I should stop describing things as "shiny" it's beginning to get a little out of hand. Did I mention that Zachary Quinto is shiny? Alright, shut up Queen and back to the review...

And the ship is ready for launch, so here comes Captain Pike, all in yellow, to get this party started!

PIKE Hey hey, this is your Captain speaking, prepare for immediate departure and remember to be awesome. Thrusters.

SULU (also known as Katana-weilding-Epic!Sulu) *load of complecated dialogue that basically amounts to "Yes sir!"*

PIKE Great. Maximum warp. Punch it (Chewie)

SULU O...kay *does so*

EVERY OTHER SHIP IN THE FLEET *zooms away dramatically*

ENTERPRISE *does nothing*

SULU Teh heck?

SPOCK *inner eyeroll*

PIKE ... Parking break?

Seriously.

Sulu sorts out the problem and off into space they go! Yay!

Kirk and Bones, meanwhile, have other problems. Kirk has also magically changed into a black outfit instead of the red one.

KIRK Thank goodness, I am no longer a red shirt... Hey, McCoy, you're still wearing red, sure about that choice?

BONES Shut up, you infant, and have a sedative

KIRK Have a wh- *falls unconcious*

BONES Why me?

Anyway, back on the bridge we now have the introduction of out second new member of the bridge crew, Ensign Wussian-Whizz-Kid Pavel "Adorable" "Jailbait" Chekov at your service. Pike is entranced by the adorableness, you can tell by the expression on his face. Anyway, Chekov begins the shipwide mission broadcase in his rediculous but also extremely endearing Wussian accent.

Well, he would do if it wasn't for the fact the the computer doesn't seem to understand the phrase "Wictor Wictor". Confused!Chekov is adorable (and confused). Luckily, after a bit of straining his vocal chords, he manages to get himself authorised and begins the shipwide mission broadcast (properly).

CHEOKV May I haff your attention ples? At tventy-two hundred hours an anomaly was detected in the nutral sone

PRIMEVAL TEAM An anomaly! OMG where?

PIKE Not that kind of anomaly! Go the heck away!

PRIMEVAL TEAM *dissapear in a puff of logic*

CHEKOV *continues mission broadcast*

SPOCK *dies a little inside every time Chokov mentions the planet "Wulcan"*

ENTERPRISE CREW Lightning storm in space, huh? Sure it wasn't just a lensflare?

KIRK OMFG A LIGHTNING STORM?

BONES Ah, you're back. And you can calm down, I changed out of my red outfit... OH MY GOD!

KIRK What... AH! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HANDS? *stares a swollen hands*

BONES Well, that wasn't supposed to happen *scans him with sonic screwdriver (what? It looks kind of like one and its making a funny noise, leave me alone)*

KIRK STOP BLEEPING ME! I'm trying to work out whether I heard that Russian kid correctly

BONES Probably not...

KIRK GAH! We have to stop this ship!

BONES Wha-

KIRK *runs off*

BONES GET BACK HERE, DAMMIT!

There follows a rather amusing chase through the ship to find Uhura, during which time Kirk flails around with balloon hands and Bones injects stuff into Kirk

KIRK WILL YOU STOP THAT?

BONES No. *secretly enjoying it immensely*

Kirk finds Uhura. She is not pleased to see him and rather scared of his balloon hands. Bones is still sonic screwdriver-ing Kirk as much as possible. Kirk starts ranting about Uhura's comments earlier about an attack on a Klingon Prison Planet (which is perhaps a good reason why you should hide in the room of the green girl you were attempting to have sex with in order to hear anything her roommate might say that could be important to the suvival of a lot of people later on) Unfortunately thats about the point his tongue starts swelling up as well. Bones' reaction to this?

BONES I can fix that! *moar injections!*

UHURA Oh, the ship was Romulan!

KIRK *with a numb tongue* OMG- OW, BONES! WHAT TEH HECK!

BONES *inner vengeful snigger*

9 – And suddenly without warning we're somewhere else, where a giant spikey thing appears to be descending from the insect/porcupine ship of the Romulans*

And firing what appears to be a stream of concentrated lava at the planet below. The planet below being Vulcan, as evidenced by Spock's mother (called Amanda Grayson, which is near enough to Abigail (bitch) Williams so meh) emerging from her house to stare in teh horror at what is happening. I just want to know why they keep showing Vulcan upside-down. It hurts my head!

Meanwhile on the Romulan ship: Seven Federation ships are on their way. Thoughtful!Nero is thoughtful.

Back on the Enterprise, now Uhura is caught up in the crazy chase through the hallways. Honestly, someone "must" have set this to the Benny Hill theme. Surely! They run onto the bridge.

PIKE How the heck did you get on board?

KIRK ... teh magics? (I had to use it somewhere) That doesn't matter right now, we have to stop the ship. Vulcan is being attacked by Romulans.

PIKE Ah...ha?

SPOCK Please get him off this ship. Please. Really.

KIRK Will you shut up?

SPOCK No, because I don't see what you're getting at and I hate you.

UHURA *smug look*

KIRK Erm, you do know that a lightning storm in space was what happened just before the Kelvin got torn to pieces by Romulans?

SPOCK How is that relevant?

PIKE ... Oh.

SPOCK Don't tell me you're agreeing with him...

KIRK And, I heard about an attack last night where 47 Klingon warbirds were destroyed by Romulans

UHURA ... Oh.

SPOCK Et tu Uhura?

KIRK It's a trap, sir.

PIKE ...

SPOCK I hate myself for saying this... The cadet's logic is sound. Never make me say anything like that again.

And luckily Uhura can translate Romulan, unlike the current translator on board, so she is quickly promoted.

UHURA I am awesome.

TRANSLATOR *wonders what the heck he was doing as major translator on a ship when there are holes in his knowledge*

And by the way, all contact with the other ships in the fleet have been lost and there are no transmissions in Romulan or otherwise. That can't be good. So we'd better put shields up before they arrive at Vulcan, just in case.

It's a good thing they do because they emerge in the middle of a space battlefield. Filled with the broken remains of the other seven ships from the fleet. In other words, all those poor redshirt cadets are dead. Lovely. That probably includes Ginger Elphaba too. Shame that. Spock keeps turning around to look at the screen in a shocked sort of way. And up ahead, yup, it's the Romulan ship. And they've spotted the Enterprise.

ROMULAN Wanna break that one to bits too Captain Nero?

NERO Yeah, go for it. *lounges evilly in throne*

REALLY BRITISH ROMULAN Locking torpedos

There are explosions and the Enterprise can't afford to take another hit like that. And to make matters worse, the giant laser-firing-drill-thing currently making a large hole in the planet is also transmitting a signal preventing the Enterprise from communicating with anyone or transporting. But hang on, Nero's noticed something!

NERO Wait a minute... Its the Enterprise! I'm gonna talk to them

Nero's big face appears on the Enterprise main screen

PIKE I am Captain Christopher Pike. Who the hell are you?

NERO Hi Christopher, I'm Nero (and I'm an alcoholic)

PIKE What do you want anyway?

NERO Oh, me and my crew are just a load of vengence-driven Romulans apart from the Empire, blah blah blah. By the way, hello Spock. Long time no see

SPOCK I do not believe that you and I are aquainted

NERO Not yet. Oh, I'm from the future, might as well tell you that now. Oh, and you're a bastard and Captain Pike will come aboard my ship for negotiations. Bye bye! *dissapears from screen*

Pike gets up, having made his descision. No one is happy about this

KIRK Don't do it, they'll kill you

SPOCK I agree. Again. Even though I said I'd never agree with the cadet again. Going to that ship is a mistake.

PIKE Yeah, I know. Oh, anyone here able to fight at all?

SULU Erm... me?

PIKE Good. Come with me.

10 – And now Nero wants someone to "prepare the red matter"

The Red Matter turns out to be a ball of gelatenous red... stuff, in the middle of that awesome spinning ship from ealier. From which a drop is extracted with a giant needle and placed into a not-nice-looking machine of some kind.

Walking through the Enterprise, Pike about to board a shuttle onto the enemy ship. I am getting a strong feeling of deja vu. Pike gives orders that Kirk, Sulu and some bloke called Engineer Olson will space jump from the shuttle and shut down the drill thing in order that their transporters start working again. Oh, and Spock is now Captain of the Enterprise

PIKE And Kirk's First Officer, got that

KIRK What?

SPOCK WHAT!

PIKE Lovely, thanks. Bye.

Kirk and Sulu follow Pike into the lift, leaving a very confused Spock and his eyebrows to comtemplate what the heck just happened.

To be continued...

Next chapter Space jumps and an attempt to save Vulcan... And are redshirts bred to be idiotic or something?


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