A/N: Ahh, it took me longer than I hoped but I got stuck at the end. I'm a little concerned about this chapter, I still hope you'll like it though. It's a bit different from the usual ones but I enjoyed writing it. Anyway, enjoy reading it.

Rating: T for cursing, moments of Hijikata's past and some angst


I let out a frustrated sigh when I finally lay down in my bed, totally beaten. It's been a horrible, confusing and extremely tiring day, it felt like it would never end. I ended up walking around Edo for hours after I... well... ran away from Gintoki. I needed all my concentration just on avoiding Okita, if he were to see me in this state I honestly wouldn't know what would happen, or rather I wouldn't want to find it out...

Another tired sigh fills the silent room and I move a little, trying to find a comfortable position in my soft bed. For the first time this day I allow myself to calm down and think, which I don't look forward to do so. I mean, it's not really nice to think about it... Why am I so hopeless? I'm ashamed of myself, I should just find a solution already and not screw my head up like this!

Short flashbacks of this day end up filling my head, confusing me even more and giving me a headache. I try to block all thoughts and ruffle through my hair but it seems to be a lost struggle. I mentally sigh, I'm just too tired for all this. I know I should focus on what I want to do but somehow I can't get myself to do it. So I end up just laying there in the dark with endless memories of that Sugar Idiot filling my brain, making me too restless to fall asleep.

As time passes the guilt and uneasiness grows, slowly consuming my mind. I roll over, shit, I'm getting really restless from this... Just what should I do? It's not like it's all that easy and if I pick the wrong choice I'm sure I'll regret it. But still... I can't decide, I can't... I don't want to make a mistake or end up ruining things myself. Shit, I really should stop thinking like this but I can't help it. He sure screws up my head even when he's not here.

I roll over again, not knowing what to do with this almost painful uneasiness in my chest. It hurts... I want to tell him I want to be by his side but I can't... I'm not ready for this, yet I don't want to stay away from him. I let out a soft grumble, this isn't going anywhere.

When I close my eyes memories of him overwhelm me, taking over my mind as I remember; His slightly flustered cheeks, the way he looked when I just woke up in the bath house, the look in his eyes when he told me his feelings, the gently, caring tone he uses only for me and those times he smiled, his special and genuinely smile... A smile so gentle and caring they can melt a cold and frozen heart like mine, a smile that can completely warm you up... Shit. I sound like some high school chick in love, don't I...? Ugh, I'm getting scared of myself, just what the hell does that sugar idiot to me?...

I let out a frustrated groan, I'm not cut out for this. My minds keep wandering to those memories of him instead of thinking what I want to do from now on.. … Well, I suppose that I already know the answer... it's just... … I don't think I'm ready to do something with it. Just being with him is the only important thing to me, the rest shouldn't matter, I try to convince myself. But deep down I know that that's not the real season, I'm still scared... Am I worthy enough to be loved by someone so gentle, someone who truly cares for me like he does?

I close my eyes again, trying to force myself to not think about that. It's too painful. I'm sorry Gintoki, just a little more... just a little more time... ..

My heart aches, allowing the pain inside me to roam freely, the pain that I so desperately try to avoid... I feel my breath hitching as I breath in, wanting to shake off the pain. After a while the aching slowly fades and I feel sleep trying to catch up with me. Strange... I wasn't that tired before... I let out a yawn and feel my consciousness slowly fading, finally allowing my mind to rest for the first time this day...

Soft, gentle words are spoken to me, whispering unrecognizable yet familiar words while I feel myself slowly warming up. It vaguely reminds me of a autumn night under a kotatsu and I feel myself smiling a little, the warmth seems to embrace me almost like it's hugging me in a gentle embrace. The whispers are slowly getting clearer and I feel my heart ache a little though I can't figure out why... Soft words are filling the air and suddenly I hear a painfully familiar sugar sweet voice whispering those sweet, sweet words;

~I'm really serious... I like you Hijikata, I like you a lot...~

Without noticing my breath hitches a little, my chest aches again and a feeling of deja vu hits me yet staying a little out of reach. I know those words... but where did I hear them?... And... … who said them? A flashback of a young silver haired man fills my head, wait... isn't that.. .. Gin- .. … .. Gint-... …. .

Another deju vu feeling hits me, I should wake up from this dream, this isn't the time to relax. Wait.. what? Wait... waking.. … waking... up?... Before I can think further I feel 2 almost sinfully soft lips pressing sweetly against mine, only to disappear again before I can react. I feel myself blushing, I'm not used to sweetness like that... Even though it took me by surprise I feel warm, a melancholic feeling filling me... I know who this person is, I'm sure I know. My heart is reacting like crazy, I know I've heard those words somewhere before and I know the feeling of those soft lips. Even though I know... why can't I remember?...

I want to open my mouth, ask what is going on when I feel those lips again, pressing a butterfly light kiss on my lips before I hear a sweet whisper; "Sshh, please don't ask... don't think... Just feel and engulf yourself in this blissful moment of happiness~" Trusting his words I obediently close my mouth, wondering where I've heard his voice before. Why can't I remember it? I feel a shot of guilt through my heart, why I can't remember...

When I finally decide to try to open my eyes I'm surprised to feel how heavy my eyelids are. A hand suddenly covers my eyes but before I can protest I feel a hot breath near my ear. "You shouldn't~... I told you, just let yourself be swept away in this blissful moment~" As he whispers gently in my ear I feel his hand caressing my hair, almost as if he's trying to comfort me. "Shhh, relax... please, trust me.. Just close your eyes for now, allow yourself to give in to this sweet feeling... I won't harm you, I promise, my lovely Oogushi-kun" Again, the melancholic feeling hits me, leaving me paralyzed at his words.

Oogushi... kun? Am I that Oogushi-kun?... Without thinking I feel myself nodding slightly, unable to refuse his request. He mumbles a soft "thank you", pulls me closer with one arm around my neck and suddenly I feel his soft lips pressing a kiss on my cheek, slowly moving towards my neck. While he continues to kiss my skin he pulls me even closer in the hug. He finally reaches my sensitive spot behind my ear, carefully scraping his teethes over the spot. I let out a soft moan, slowly losing myself in his sweet and gentle kisses. He nuzzles his face in my neck while he softly whispers those painfully familiar words again;

"~Whenever I look at you I get this strange, almost happy feeling in my stomach~
~When I'm with you my mind goes black and I don't know what to do or say~"

I feel my cheeks getting redder and I hear a melodious soft chuckle, it makes my heart skip a beat as I feel like I recognize the sound. I feel his hot breath against my ear when he lets out a soft sigh, making me shudder a little from the feeling. When he suddenly begins to softly nibble on my ear I let out a soft groan out of surprise. After a final, teasingly soft bite he lets go of my ear but stays close to it, whispering sweet words again;

"~I've been yours all this time, I just didn't knew or wanted to admit it... Not to you, to myself or anyone else...~
~But the truth is, my dear Hijikata... I really, really like you...~"

When he pulls back he caresses my cheek for a moment before he kisses me on my lips, gently, almost hesitant but in such a loving way it takes away my breath. White, bright and warm blissfulness is all I can think, all I can feel when he kisses me like that. A familiar warm feeling wells up in my chest and I feel like I know, I know... Just a little more... … G-G... … Gint-... … Gin-... When, after what feels like an eternity, his soft lips are pulled back I hear him softly whispering my name in that almost painful sugar sweet tone;

"Hijikata~, please... don't forget this feeling, this moment of happiness..."

He pulls me closer, telling me it's fine to open my eyes now I see him, looking at me while smiling sweetly as I get used to bright white light that surrounds us. After a few blinks my eyes are finally used to it, noticing the beautiful s[ace around us. But when I look at him all I can think about is him... Without thinking I feel his name spilling from my lips; "Gin... Gintoki...?"

He nods a little, looking happy as I finally recognize him. Confusion suddenly overwhelms me; "But how, I.. I'm in the Shinsengumi HQ, you.. no.. wait.. ... where is this?" This bright whiteness that seems to surround us, the soft light that doesn't come from anywhere... Where are we? Such a scene doesn't exist in the real world... It's more like a place from a dream... Do you know where this is?... Why this happened... and why I am here?..."

It's not like I know the place. It's also not like I've never seen it. I don't recognize it at all yet somehow... it feels so safe and... right to be here. Just where is this supposed to be? "Yes... you're right, his isn't your world. Yet at the same time, I think it sort of is. I guess it's a little complicated to explain..." His familiar voice calms me down and I let out the breath I didn't even knew I was holding. I feel myself pulled in a close, almost too gentle hug before "Gintoki" starts to explain;

"For now, let's just say that this place is a reality... even tough it's just within your mind". He's so close, his smile is almost blinding me... I can feel my heart beating a little too fast and him talking in that sweet voice of him doesn't help in the slightest to understand his confusing words. "I-I don't get it... this is just a dream, if I wake up this all will be gone, right?" A soft chuckle rings in my ear "Well, yes... but not exactly. Dreams are usually a projection of it's hosts mind, a memory or a problem that's been lingering in the mind. But this is a little different. This is different, it's more than just that. To put it more simple; this "dream" could become real if you are to accept it completely. If you do so, it could turn into your version of what you see a "reality", one that can exist in your world."

As he sees my confusion he leans in and presses a soft kiss on my head, searching for the right words. "I'm sorry, I know this is confusing... But please try to accept things even if they're confusing..." I feel another soft kiss, this time on the sensitive spot in my neck.

"Mmmh, let's see... This isn't a dream, yet it isn't "real" either... It's something between those two? Where dreams are only vague things that are not accurate enough to become a possible reality, this "dream" wíll become real if the necessary requirements are fulfilled. Therefore it's something in between those two. Do you follow me?" The concerned look on his face makes my heart skip a beat, I'm not really used to people getting concerned about me. I nod slowly, blushing a little as I do so. "That's good to hear" His blinding smile lights up his face before he continues; "As for the requirement; you just have to believe that this feeling of warmth, gentleness and happiness," A soft, caressing kiss is placed on my lips, making my heart skip another beat "will be possible. Please believe that you can have this future... Believe in it and I promise you that it wíll become reality"

His hand is gently caressing my cheek while he looks in my eyes; "I beg you, don't run away from this... I know that you have your doubts and there are other reasons why you couldn't accept this up till now but please... accept me... I promise I'll be yours, so please ... Follow your feelings and know that I'll be there at the end of the darkness, waiting to hold you, to take on all the things you can't share with others..." His expression changes into a slightly sad one before he continues; "Take all the time you need. Think about it as many times as you want. I just want you to know that I am here. I am here for you... just come to me and I'll share your pain, insecurities, worries and doubts..." The new look in his eyes takes my breath away; eyes filled with pain, sorrow, loneliness... but above all that; his gaze is filled with burning, truly unconditional love...

"Remember; I'll always be there for you... just come to me and I'll share your burden... Take all the time you need... but please, in the end... will you come to me..?" I feel his soft, almost burning lips on mine again, wiping all worries and doubts from my mind. I let myself be swept away by his burning gentleness, wanting to be closer to him... but suddenly it hits me, this feels a little different... a little more like the previous time I was kissed in a dream, when it turned out to be the real Gintoki... Yeah.. this kiss is different; almost like I can feel Gintoki;'s unlimited and unconditional burning feelings through the kiss... Wait... Does that mean that...? I snap my eyes open and I'm back in my own room. The only thing I hear is my own ragged breathing as I just lay there, confused. After a while I calm down, wondering what just happened. Did I fell asleep and ended up having this dream? A very realistic one that is but... it was just a dream, right? Just when I want to shrug it off as one, I hear those words faintly, so soft, like they're dancing on the wind, disappearing as soon as they came;

"Take all the time you need... but please, in the end... will you come to me..?"

I... I know. Even my subconsciousness is trying to tell me that I should end up with Gintoki. But I'm still scared, still not sure... It's just that I don't know if things will work and and to be honest, I'm scared it won't. I wouldn't know how to deal with that. If we were to break up, how am I supposed to go on? Gintoki... that sugar addict has somehow, without realizing, gotten into my head and he just won't leave. No... It's more like I don't want him to leave, not anymore... But it's scary to think that if I were to see this through, there would also be a chance things would go wrong. It feels safer to don't do anything and treasure this, this moment of knowing he feels the same... but... I don't think I can do that anymore... I want more, it's not enough, not anymore...

But that's not my biggest fear. As scary and insecure I feel about going into a relationship there's something that's been pushing me down for years, something I won't be able to shrug off or get over no matter how many time passes... Something I wont ever be able to escape, not until the day I'll die...
I know I'm the only one to blame since I was there, I made the decisions myself, I chóóse to do it... I did it for a reason, a damn good one, but I never really wanted to. Having a reason for it won't change the facts I've committed countless unforgivable sins...

After every time I would be unable to do anything for at least a few hours, I would lock myself up in my room. Seeking darkness, loneliness... while forced to remember the twisted, cruel moments again and again... Their screams filled with life threatening fear, a sound so cruel it hurt me even to remember the sound... The look of pure terror and agony in their lifeless eyes, the hollow yet painfully burning gazes into nothingness of those who were already lost... The sickening, overwhelming smell of blood, the sinful red liquid staining my soul again and again... I would just lie there in the dark, letting the sickening memories run wild in my head, emptying my stomach multiple times as I would be unable to handle the cruel after images... Unable to stop shaking, shuddering all over as I remember... remember again and again... the true meaning of my name; Demonic Vice-Commander...

I wouldn't be able to sleep normal for a long time and eating would be out of the question, it took all I had to keep breathing and not lose myself in madness. Guilt would rage through my head, consuming and almost destroying my mind, again and again. Only time could dull the cruel, painful aftermath a little. Just barely enough to survive, not enough to ever truly forget. And the feelings would come back; every time I committed the sinful act I payed the almost inhumanly high price... But despite knowing all that, I kept committing them... And I know I'll keep doing so in the future. Because no matter what happens, I must do it. To protect my comrades, to protect our leader Kondo-san, to protect the people in Edo but also... to protect the value of the lives of the people I killed before... To protect their deaths so they won't be ever be lost in vain, I must continue to walk this blood stained path. I must, so I will be able to keep walking straight... If I wouldn't, my soul would probably break...

I keep doing it for important reasons, reasons I find more important than my own life.. Yet I know... I know that no matter the reason, no matter how many people are protected by it; killing is an unforgivable sin... A bloody heavy one that is...

And because of that, because I'll never be able to stray from my path I keep wondering, is someone like me, someone filthy, stained to the core and doomed for life, really worthy of something beautiful like love? Should I accept that kindness in life? Wouldn't it be better to try and repent more, even a little more for all those people whose futures and lives I've taken away? And am I really willing to keep the person I care the most out so close to me, close to a killer? I... I can't do it. I can't stain, burden him with this, it would be too painful for me to cause him such worries or pain.

My thoughts become hazy as I keep thinking about those dark memories, memories I've wanted to forget so badly... Just the thought of them makes the uneasiness in my chest sharpen till it hurts, stinging and cutting my heart. I know why I did those things and I can't say I regret them, I made those decisions to save others, to save more people from getting harmed. I knew that if I wouldn't do it, many and many more innocent and important people to me would've died. I know. And I know I would do, all of it, again if I had the choice. Since I was the only one who could do something I simply had to...

But it doesn't make the guilt, the pain from the actions any more bearable... does it?.. A soft voice I've been trying to ignore whispers the words I've been trying to avoid, nééding to ignore it in the hope it would lessen their meaning, lessen the pain of their meaning... The faces of the people I killed, I'll never forget them, no, I should never forget them... for it would make their deaths even sadder, even crueler if I did... I feel my heart slowly dying from those words, knowing they are true. I can't ever forget my past, it would be the same as denying the sins, no, the same as denying those people lives if I ever did. I want to forget so badly yet my personal bushido, no, my very soul denies that option...

I know I should talk about it... that if I would tell him all this, about how much my past is affecting me, he would understand. Even though I know so little really personal information about him, I know he's fought in the Amanto war together with Takasugi, Katsura and Sakamoto. Sometimes, I see that pained look in his eyes, that look I known too well... Although it only lasts for a second I'm sure I've seen it, even though he hides it from those around him with a smile...

It's the look of someone who has been through hell and back but still thinks it's not enough as payment, someone who's unable to let go of his past... He knows the pain of it... But it's exactly because of that, because I know he's struggling with his painful past just like me that I can't tell him, it would be cruel to do so...

I'm honestly starting to believe I shouldn't let him be with someone like me, he deserves so much better. I couldn't possibly be good enough, he should wánt someone better. Someone pure without a blood stained past... Someone strong, strong enough to take his pain in and to help him through it... Yeah, he definitely deserves someone like that... I wish there was someone like that for him... Because I know how much it hurts to be alone with those feelings, it's so painful... I wish there was someone like that for him... … I doesn't have to be me... just.. … someone to take away his lonely pain, to share the heavy burden with... I wish...

Without me noticing a lone tear wells up in my eye, only when it rolls down my cheek, leaving a burning hot trace behind I realize how much this is affecting me. I'm crying. I'm crying because I'm too powerless to do anything, I'm unable to simply forget him but I'm not strong enough to accept the chance that I'll end up alone, truly alone... Because even though I've been called the Demonic Vice-Commander, I'm still a human deep down. But the real reason I'm crying isn't because of that... It's for him... ..

It hurts me so much to know what pain he goes through... Because I've felt it too.. It hurts to know what he's felt, it's something I never want anyone to feel. It's a feeling beyond horrible; it's always there... slowly trying to eat away your sanity, slowly yet painfully destroying your mind, cruelly consume you till there's nothing left... How many times have I woken up in the middle of the night, only to be overwhelmed by this feeling of loneliness, burning pain and in the end... endless darkness... I can't even start to count... Too many times have I thought I would lose my mind. Yet something kept me going, something gave me the strength to continue to live... But when I'm not strong enough to even save myself, how am I supposed to help and share his pain? If... If only I could... I wish I could... I wish... ..

"~ I'll be there at the end of the darkness,

waiting to hold you,

to take on all the things you can't share with others... ~"

A moment, no, just a flash of the feeling I had in my.. dream... reminds me of "his" words. I suddenly realize it, what that "dream" really was, what it meant... The reason it seemed so unearthly beautiful, why I felt so safe all that time... I've known it from the beginning. It's just because I was too scared I've been unable to see it till now. The soft gentle feeling fills my chest, filling my entire being with it's warmth. In the end it turns out he's more like me than I thought... ne, Gintoki?~

Of course I know things won't be easy from now on. There'll be hard times, there'll be sad times. But it's worth it, every single moment of it. Because I'll take the risk together with him. Because I've been wanting to be with him for a long, long time. I've wanted to embrace him in a tender, almost painfully gentle hug, giving him the safe and gentle feeling I had in that "dream". I know what it was... It wasn't real yet it wasn't a lie. It was just.. just...

Just a sad wish... A lone sad wish, filled with pure white feelings to give even a little moment of comfort to someone like me, someone who hurt and ran away from him... Yet he still wished for it with his entire being... A sad wish to show a hurt person what could be, a short moment of happiness. I know it wasn't a dream, it was too real for that. It wasn't a lie either, it felt too pure and gentle. It wasn't a moment from the future, for the future is changeable at will.
It was... really just a sad wish for comfort, prayed up on by my beloved Sugar Idiot who has been through probably even more pain as me... Yet the wish, the need to find a moment of salvation, was meant for me...

Almost in trance I slowly get up and walk towards my door, feeling my feet tremble ever so lightly with every step. I open the door just enough for me to fit through the opening and step outside. The soft moonlight glows on my skin and for some reason I feel a little calmer, almost as if the gentle silver light is slowly healing my bleeding heart. I take a deep breath before I close the door behind me, wanting to leave the sadness and guilt behind. Without thinking I start to walk, using the secret path only Kondo and I know of. We made it a long time ago, just the two of us. Without saying the reason aloud we worked on it, both knowing painfully too well why we needed it.

To escape... to leave the worries, sadness, guilt and pain behind. To have an emergency route, a path only known by the two of us in order to leave those things behind. Because we both knew. The pain, the never ending guilt our past is filled with. Only for the two of us, for we took the heavy burden, the almost inhuman tasks upon ourselves, in order to keep our precious comrades from doing it. Without telling we knew, this would be our secret. The other members didn't need to know, we took away those burdens for them because we wanted to, so they didn't had to stain their hands, to stain their soul... But because we did we also knew there would be times like this, times that those past sins would be too much for us to shoulder...

Being proud samurai we wouldn't be able to seek comfort in each other, we couldn't speak those words of regrets out because we didn't want to burden the other one even more. We knew the pain the other felt, words weren't enough to explain it... So instead... We created this. For being able to walk away from your worries without . To be able to just... leave them behind, even if it is only for the night... A way to escape for a moment, to be weak even for a moment so you could return later, walking straight again, in order to protect your precious comrades in the future...

But this time it's different. I won't walk this path knowing there's no end to the darkness that's surrounding me, I know there is. A soft light, lightning my path so I won't get lost this time, making sure I'll be able to return from the darkness. I'll walk this secret path, finding my way, the way I thought I lost long long ago... Without fear, guilt or pain I'll be able to walk straight, following the gentle silver light through my darkness...

The gentle moonlight washes away my worries, my doubts. The silver light is the only thing I'll need to keep myself from getting lost. I take a deep breath, gathering all my courage to finally give him my reply. I walk through the dark streets, feeling my heart beating faster with each step I take. Things won't be easy but I realize; life never has been. But now we'll have someone to share the pain with if it gets too much... I feel my heart beating, prove that I am alive.

I won't turn back now, I've made up my mind. No matter what happens from now on I'll see it through. He went as far for me to wish for my happiness, for my salvation when in reality, he's the one who needs it the most. When I realized he would do such a painfully kind thing I felt like maybe, just maybe I could do the same. I know, I'm not as strong as he is... but I want to try... I'll try my hardest without doubting myself anymore, I'll stand strong for both of us.

Because I want to be there for him. Because I care so much about him, because he's the one who understands me better than I do myself...

Because he is my precious Gintoki...


A/N: Thanks a lot for reading and following this story. It means a lot to me, really. The kind reviews may be the only thing that keeps me writing when I'm sturck.

Hijikata's past seems like a dark, heavy one... One that's always there because he's unable to share his pain with others (out of pride but also to keep them from getting hurt). Now he's found someone he can rely on, I think he'll be finally able to move forward. Of course he won't forget his past but he'll learn how to deal with the pain, guilt and darkness that comes with it.

I don't know if it's all right to get him in such an emotional/angsty mood but it seemed right when I wrote it.