Hello there. Once again I am sorry for slow-ish updates. But here we have...
STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW
Part 4
In which you have to look forward to: the idiocy of redshirts and lots of dramatic action-type stuffs (oo, exciting)
11 – Back on the bridge, the newly titled Captain Spock has settled smoothly into his new role
BONES Just thought you might like to know our chief Medical Officer is dead
SPOCK Then you'll have to take over
BONES Lovely. Now can I get back to the job I'm meant to be doing?
SPOCK Short temper much?
Meanwhile, Pike boards a shuttle followed by Kirk, Sulu and Engineer Olson who have changed into their space-jump uniforms in record time. Basically space-jumping is like skydiving except from space so you need helmets and big suits so you can breathe and not get crushed by pressure changes or burnt to a crisp by atmospheres and such. Engineer Olson is one of these very British folks. It's nice to see so many of those around. Unfortunately he is also wearing a red suit, which is just asking for trouble.
OLSON I can't wait to kick some Romulan arse :)
KIRK ... So, Sulu, what sort of combat training do you have?
SULU Erm... fencing
PEOPLE WHO WATCHED THE ORIGINAL SERIES *lol*
KIRK ... *teh heck face*
PIKE So, I'm about to drop you guys into space. Bye! *locks the three of them in the airlock* Anyway, you might want to know that we can't beam you back to the ship unless you turn off that drill so unless you suceed, you're screwed. No pressure and all that. I just want to tell you three good luck, we're all counting on you
And the three of them are dropped into space, where no one can hear you scream due to muted sound effects. But we can hear you breathing very heavily. (Adorable)Chekov keeps an eye on them on the main screen on the bridge. When they get close to the platform, Kirk and Sulu deploy their parachutes like the sensible people they are, but because Redshirts seem to be bred to be to dumb to live, Olson takes Pike's advice to deploy the parachute as late as possible a bit too seriously... and ends up burned to a crisp by the lava drill for his trouble.
KIRK Well that sucks
SULU Especially because Olson had the charges for blowing up this thing
KIRK ... Crap
CHEKOV ... Olson is dead. Thats... bad
Kirk lands on the platform and ends up clinging by his fingertips, but manages to get his parachute pulled back into his suit before it drags him into the lava drill and he ends up a crispy BBQ the same way as redshirt Olson. Chekov obidiently lets Spock know that "Kork" has landed.
But even though Kirk's managed to pull himself to his feet and get rid of his helmet, his problems aren't over yet. Because here comes a Romulan with a gun. Kirk's solution? Charge at him. The resulting struggle gets a couple of holes blown in Sulu's parachute.
SULU I am using this parachute!
KIRK Sorry!
The result of this is that Sulu almost ends up crispy BBQ as well. Twice. But luckily he has a fold up katana and slices off his parachute before it drags him into the fire. And now Epic!Sulu has his epic!katana and is ready to kick Romulan ass (or arse, as (dead)Olson would say). Which is a good thing because another one just turned up and doubled Kirk's problem. This one spots Sulu, however and draws what appears to be a fold up aex-spear thing. SWORD/AXE-SPEAR FIGHT! As opposed to the fistfight Kirk and his Romulan sparring partner are having. And Kirk is thrown off the edge of the platform and manages to hand on by his fingers. See, Kirk, I said that canyon would be good practice for later life :)
ROMULAN WHO IS BALD LIKE ALL ROMULANS BUT GOT TO KEEP HIS BEARD *leers and tries to stamp of Kirk's fingers*
KIRK *tries to prevent Romulan from stepping on his fingers and still keep a hold of the platform*
SULU *kicks his enemy onto the grill in the platform*
ROMULAN *is toasty BBQ*
BEARD ROMULAN *kets katana'd by Sulu and falls off the platform, which is just adding insult to injury to be honest*
Romulans have green blood. Like trolls (well, trolls in Merlin anyway). You learn something new every day :) Sulu pulls Kirk onto the platform.
SULU Now what?
KIRK Well, we could shoot the drill with these guns the Romulan I was fighting left lying around
SULU Good idea
KIRK AND SULU *do so*
DRILL *stops*
Back on the bridge, Uhura notes that the jamming signal is gone. Chekov gets on with trying to transport Kirk and Sulu back to the ship, but Spock is more concerned with what is actually happening to the planet.
CHEKOV Ay Command- Keptin, sorry, Keptin
Had to make a note of that. It's sweet :)
12 – Meanwhile, on the Nerada...
NERO Lanch the red matter
THE RED MATTER *is launched*
KIRK AND SULU *watch the red matter fly past them and fall into the big hole drilled in the planet*
KIRK Did you just see that?
EVERYONE ON ENTERPRISE (INCLUDING ONE WOMAN WITH TOS!UHURA'S HAIRCUT, HA HA JJ ABRAMS, VERY FUNNY) Yeah, we saw it
CHEKOV The grawitational readings are off ze scale, Keptin... I sink zat they are going to create a black hole to consume ze planet
SPOCK ... How long does the planet have
CHEKOV *sad shrug* Minutes, sir
Just thought I should include that because the concentration of sadness from both characters here is heart-wrenching.
Spock orders Uhura to make sure the planet is evacuated then leaves the bridge. Confused!Uhura is confused
UHURA Where are you going?
SPOCK To do something about it... To rescue my parents, now please stop wasting time
UHURA ...
Meanwhile Kirk would very much like to be beamed out of here now, thank you. Unfortunately he orders this about the same time Nero orders his drill of doom to be pulled up
KIRK Hey, Sulu, do you think there is any danger in us standing really close to the edge of the platform
SULU Nah, we'll be fine
DRILL *is hauled up and the resulting turbulance shakes Kirk and Sulu and makes them fall off the platform*
KIRK DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!
And seeing as they are moving so much, the Enterprise can't lock on their signal and beam them back. Basically, they're screwed... But wait!
CHEKOV I KEN DO ZAT!
UHURA ... TEH HECK IS GOING ON!
Chekov runs through the ship (cue Benny Hill theme again) very fast, and gets to the desk.
KIRK WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE BEAM US UP!
CHEKOV YES! I KEN DO ZAT, HOLD ON!
Sparky sparks of beamingness surround Kirk and Sulu and beam them away just before they hit a rather large rock. They collapse on the transport pad of the Enterprise, gasping like fish
KIRK Wow. It's almost as if it isn't actually the fall that kills you but hitting the ground and therefore you saved us inches from death. Thanks Chekov
CHEKOV No problem. After all, defying physics was inwented in Wussia :)
SPOCK *runs up onto transporter pad, completely ignoring Kirk and Sulu, and is transported onto the surface of Vulcan*
13 – The surface of Vulcan, where there are lots of collapsing rocks and things all around*
Spock appears in a cloud of sparks (looking vaugely like a fairy... Just saying) and after getting his barings runs off in the direction of the high council chambers.
ABIGAIL WILLIAMS/AMANDA GRAYSON/WHATEVER SHE'S CALLING HERSELF TODAY Spock?
SPOCK Why are you all standing around with the planet falling to bits around your ears. Hurry up!
The Vulcan council get the message (hooray) and off they run. I cannot help but notice that Abigail's dress looks like it was knitted by Mrs Weasley. But that doesn't matter right now because Spock would very much like it if the Enterprise would get them out now. Please. Chekov obliges and the transporting sparks appear around them
ABIGAIL Hey, do you think there is any danger in me standing really close to the edge of this collapsing cliff?
SPOCK WHAT? Yes, actually, I do!
ABIGAIL *realises she is standing far to close to the edge of the collapsing cliff but because she's taken Chekov's order not to move a bit too seriously she doesn't do anything about it... and falls off the cliff*
SPOCK MOTHER!
CHEKOV I'm loosing her! I'm loosing her!
The Vulcans are beamed back aboard the ship... with Spock still reaching out for his mother wondering why this sort of thing keeps happening to him.
And the looks on Spock and Chekov's faces qualify both of them for the prize of "deserves a really big hug right now".
And the planet of Vulcan collapses in on itself into the black hole
HALF OF THE AUDIENCE *cry their eyes out*
OTHER HALF *eat popcorn like the heartless bastards they are*
To be continued...
Next chapter We attempt to get over our sadness as a familiar face turns up on an ice planet (and I am not talking about the Cloverfield monster)
Read and Review :)
