STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW
Part 5
In which you have to look forward to: adventures on an ice planet a new, but also somewhat old, face
14 – All of us got over the sobbing now? Good, now back to the review
In case you have forgotten, Vulcan has been destroyed. And now Spock is going to talk about it in his acting Captain's log. Heart still breaking here so I'm gonna skip over that bit and not dictate it out to you guys or anything. In summary: No Captain Pike. Vulcans now an endangered species. Romulans appear to have won. We're all screwed.
And I think Uhura might be stalking Spock, because she just followed him into the lift to give him some kisses and a hug.
Heart still breaking at the look on Zachary Quinto's face.
UHURA I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
Quoting Doctor Who now, are we?
UHURA What do you need?
SPOCK I need everyone... to continue performing admarably (and for you to stop stalking me please)
UHURA Okay *kisses him some more*
SPOCK *leaves lift looking rather lost*
CRYING EVEN MORE NOW! DAMN YOU!
15 – The Nerada flying through space in lots of blueness
Pike has been strapped to an operating table, it seems. Why the operating table is surrounded by bilgewater is anyone's guess.
NERO Hi there. I would like you to tell me how to get past all Starfleet's defences so I can destroy Earth
PIKE And what makes you think I'm gonna tell you that?
NERO Shut up! I will now rant about my motives! I was once an honest Romulan labourer with a pregnant wife and I just happened to be off planet whilst your Federation did nothing to stop my planet from breaking in half. SO DON'T TELL ME IT DIDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE I SAW IT HAPPEN AND IT'S ALL SPOCK'S FAULT!
PIKE Wow. Would you like some cheese with that ham? Really though, you're spraying me with spittle, you're worse than Rassilon! Maybe that's what all that bilgewater actually is...
NERO Shut up. Anyway, I planned revenge and sat around in space for years doing nothing but wait and play scrabble and forget what it's like to live a normal life. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when crew members decide that "Pukey" is a word and try and put it on a triple letter score? Anyway, loosing my planet was painful and now every surviving Vulcan shares my pain. And now I am going to destroy the Federation too, only then will Romulus be truely saved.
PIKE Sure you don't want to evil laugh now or something?
NERO Righty ho, if you aren't going to co-operate I think I shall feed you a bug which will make you tell the truth. Its a Veritaserum bug!
PIKE Oh my... ARGH!
Tasty.
16 – Its board meeting time on the bridge of the Enterprise
And the Romulans are definately heading for Earth. Well isn't that juicy. Oh, and Kirk's found a chair
KIRK We kind of have to assume that every federation planet is a target
SPOCK Out of the chair
Wow, Spock's really got 'pwnage going on this movie, hasn't he?
CHEKOV But I don't get it. Vhy didn't zey destroy us?
SPOCK Because he wanted me to see the destruction of my planet, god knows why
BONES Talking of which, how did they do that?
SPOCK I think they are using the same technology to create a tunnel through space time to create black holes. I suggest you listen to that answer because it is accompanied by a dramatic shot and lensflares, therefore it must be important and true
BONES Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a film director! Or a physicist for that matter. So you're suggesting they're from the future
SPOCK If you eliminate the impossible then whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth
WELL-READ AUDIENCE MEMBERS Oo! Sherlock Holmes! *are happy*
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO WATCH DOCTOR WHO Oo! Sherlock Holmes! That quote was in The Hungry Earth! *are happy*
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO WATCHED WHATEVER TOS!MOVIE THAT QUOTE WAS IN Oo, nostalgia! And Sherlock Holmes. *are happy*
SHERLOCK HOLMES I'm awesome
WATSON *drags Sherlock back to his own (awesome) movie*
BONES How poetic
KIRK Why does this guy want Pike then?
SULU To get details of Starfleet's defences?
Dingdingding, three points to Sulu.
KIRK We have to rescue Pike
SPOCK That would be illogical (bitch)
Following some suggestions by Chekov and Kirk about dropping out of warp, Spock then procedes to launch into a long explanation as to why exactly that would be illogical too (bitch) and gets faster and faster as Kirk tries his best to inturrupt.
SPOCK We have to join up with the rest of Starfleet
KIRK If we do that we are going to DIE!
SPOCK Did I ever tell you how much I hate you. And anyway, Nero's actions have changed history anyway and created an entirely new chain of events
UHURA An alternate reality
Dingdingding, three points to Uhura. And thank you for getting that explanation in there so JJ Abrams doesn't have to explain it all later.
SPOCK Precisely. Now we're going to meet up with the rest of Starfleet
KIRK Don't do that
SPOCK I am captain.
KIRK You are an idiot!
BONES Oh for heavens fridging sake!
SPOCK Security, escort him out
Kirk won't be having that, though. A couple of redshirts grab him and try to escort him out as instructed, but then Kirk deals them some elbow whacks and makes a break for it
SPOCK *sigh* If you want something doing... *nerve pinches Kirk unconcious* Now get him off this ship.
17 - And so Kirk is placed into an escape pod and launched out into space to land on the nearest available planet which just happens to be completely frozen over
KIRK Geez, thanks guys. At least you packed me a coat
And he begins a long trek through the snow to find somewhere the useful Starfleet outpost fourteen kilometres northwest of where he landed.
KIRK If I get frostbite and loose all my fingers I will kill that Vulcan.
He attempts to record a message to Starfleet to tell them that Spock is a rule breaking idiot for marooning him here... But wait, what's that howling noise?
WOLF CREATURE FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
KIRK DAMN YOU SPOCK! *runs*
The wolf creature lolops after Kirk at a leisurely pace, yowling for his blood and all that.
KIRK Shouldn't this be accompanied by dramatic music or something? *trips* Oh, I'm dead
ANOTHER CREATURE *rips through the ice and devours the wolf thing then turns it's attentions to Kirk*
KIRK WHAT THE FRIDGE? What is the monster from Cloverfield's baby doing here? DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS! *runs for his life some more*
Well, at least there's dramatic music now. Kirk runs for his life some more, falling down ice cliffs and screaming a lot until he finds a useful cave to hide in. BUt that isn't putting off the bug monster, which manages to latch onto him with it's tongue and is about to drag Kirk into its mouth when someone comes along with a firey torch and scares it away. And I can't help thinking thats its a pretty weak creature if it's gonna run at the first sight of fire.
KIRK What the heck? I'm having an Empire Strikes Back hallucination, what are doing here Obi Wan Kenobi?
GUY WHO IS NOT OBI WAN KENBOI I am not Obi Wan Kenobi. I have been and always shall be your friend
KIRK Please speak in distinguishable sentences, you're worse than the Great Slash Dragon
SPOCK PRIME Alright then. I am Spock
KIRK ... Bullshit
To be continued...
Next chapter Backstory ftw... AND SIMON PEGG! :)
Read and Review :)
