Erm... for those who watch Doctor Who this chapter contains some very mild spoilers for The Pandorica Opens. Basically if you haven't seen the episode you might not get it but I'm warning you just in case

STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW

Part 6

In which you have to look forward to: SIMON FREAKING PEGG!

18 – In the ice cave there's a nice little fire going and Kirk and Spock Prime are having a nice chat

OBI-WAN SPOCK (gets used to these folks) Its wonderful to see you again, old friend. Toasted marshmallow?

KIRK Please, just explain to me how the heck I ended up being friends with that pointy-eared, slightly scary bastard with the intense stare... No offense

DUMBLESPOCK Huh? Aren't you Captain

KIRK Erm... No

SPOCKTIMOUS PRIME Oh crap. It wasn't supposed to go like this! What about the greatest bromance in the history of time and space? It'll never happen! This is all Nero's fault, that particularly troubled Romulan

KIRK Woah for understatement of the century

GANDALF-SPOCK Right. I think this calls for a trip to the department of backstory. That will make things a whole lot easier for both of us and all the slash fans who I'm sure are feeling particularly annoyed

KIRK Pardon?

Spock Prime puts his fingers on Kirk's face and in a woosh we are transported into TEH FUTURE! 129 years into teh future to be specific

SPOCK KENOBI A star explodes and threatens to destroy the galaxy

RIVER SONG Sucks when that happens, doesn't it?

THE DOCTOR *grumble*stupidbloodytimecracks*grumble*

KIRK Wow, did you find out about it from a Van Gogh painting of the star exploding or something?

THE DOCTOR *major glare*

FUTURE!SPOCK I think you are your fandoms getting confused. Anyway, this star went supernova and I promised the Romulans that I would save their planet which was kind of a stupid thing to promise. I probably should have just promised to try instead of actually promising... Anyway, long story short, I had this awesome ship with this stuff called red matter which I was going to use to make a black hole and consume the supernova before it could destroy Romulus but I got the timing a bit wrong and the explosion destroyed Romulus anyway. But I made the black hole anyway just to get rid of the explosion and that worked. But then Nero turned up and was v. angry and both of us were pulled into the black hole. For some reason Nero ended up in the past twenty five years before I did. Then when I finally turned up he captured me and dumped me on this planet to get a front seat view of Vulcan being pulled into a black hole. Sucks, to be honest. But at least I got a nice winter coat

FANGIRLS And at least we got a nice shot of topless, sweaty Eric Bana :)

KIRK GAH! FANGIRLS! *pulls away from mindmeld to escape*

OLD!SPOCK Now you know.

KIRK I am disturbed...

SPOCK PRIME Soz about that. Now, are we going to go find this Starfleet outpost or what?

KIRK One question. In your timeline did I know my father

NIMOY!SPOCK Yes. And you were captain of the Enterprise too. And excellent in bed

KIRK What?

SPOCK PRIME I said nothing

19 – Back on the Enterprise...

Spock would like to have a chat with Bones

BONES I'm fine with that. After all, this scene is my last big chunk of dialogue before my role as third-most-important/helpful-male-in-this-film is taken by some Scottish bloke. But that doesn't matter right now. Are you out of your Vulcan mind?

SPOCK Was that an attempt to use inflection to suggest swearing without actually swearing because I managed a rather better attempt in one of my first scenes?

BONES Oh shut up. Whats with going and marooning Kirk on an ice planet, huh? Back home we have a saying : "if you're gonna ride in the Kentucky derby you don't leave your prized stallion at the stables"

SPOCK A curious metaphor doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential

And a gasquillion fangirls began squeeing over that sentence and musing about how it relates to Spock's feelings for Kirk and using it as basis for fanfic

BONES *facepalm* Now look what you've done!

SPOCK I'm sure I have no idea what you mean

BONES gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SPOCK If crew moral is better served by my roaming the halls weeping then I will gladly defer to your medical expertise

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS (who like that sort of thing) YES! PLEASE DO!

BONES Excuse me whilst I go bang my head against a wall

20 – Back on the ice planet in the snow, Kirk and Spock Prime have found the Starfleet outpost

Spock Prime strides in and Kirk is effectively forced to shut the door behind him with great effort against the gale force blizzard winds. Inside it's pretty grim and dank with lights that aren't quite working and with a strange population of three: a hungry Scotsman, a funny little green alien with googles and a tribble in a cage.

SIMON FREAKING PEGG I hate Starfleet, you know, leaving me here on my own on an ice planet for six months with no freaking sandwiches.

SPOCK-DALF Fascinating

SIMON FREAKING PEGG Glad you think so. I'm freaking hungry here! This is punishment for that accident, isn't it? That accident which was clearly an accident and cannot in any way have been anything but an accident

DUMBLESPOCK You are Montgomery Scott

SCOTTY Erm, duh. Where's the freaking food

GREEN ALIEN I like food too

SCOTTY Oh shut up. Anyway, so I was trying to create a form of transwarp beaming and tested on Admeral Archer's prize beagle...

KIRK And where is that now?

SCOTTY Erm, I'll tell you when it turns up. And it was an accident. Did I mention that? So Starfleet sticking me here was a total miscarriage of justice

OLD!SPOCK You do know you're theory is correct

SCOTTY Teh scarf? Are you from the future

NIMOY!SPOCK Yes

KIRK I'm not

WISEOLD!SPOCK Ssh.

SCOTTY Well that's awesome. Do they still have sandwiches there? ... Scratch that question, I'll get you beamed onto that ship instead

Scotty then goes into a bunch of technical babble that just about cements the Scotty/Enterprise Cargo Ship (pun completely intended). Spock Prime ignores the technobabble and types from stuff into a computer in order to make sure the transportation actually works. Impressed!Scotty is impressed. The green alien hangs around sitting on things that aren't meant to be sat on. Kirk is generally quiet and confused, and asks Spock Prime if he is coming with them. But nah, that is not his destiny

GAIUS AND SPARKY Destiny *clink coffee mugs*

KIRK Huhwhat? Who were they?

SPOCK PRIME Pay no attention to the man and slash dragon behind the curtain

KIRK Never mind. The other Spock- the slightly scary one with the eyebrows that would be eyebrows if they hadn't been mutilated and the really intense stare- is not going to listen to me. Why can't you tell him yourself to start being intelligent and listening to me?

DOCTOR WHO FANS BECAUSE REAPERS HAPPEN!

NINTH DOCTOR To paraphrase: "Don't. Touch. The. Baby."

ROSE TYLER Grumpy

KIRK My head hurts

SPOCK PRIME The Time Lord is right. If me and my young self meet the universe goes boom

THE (ELEVENTH) DOCTOR *grumble*bitlateforthatnow*grumble*

SPOCK PRIME So don't let my young self know I exist. There's a good chap. Just emotionally compromise my young self so he isn't fit to be captain any more and try not to get yourself killed, okay

KIRK But I... What... I don't... You can't... My head really hurts now

SCOTTY Are we going or what?

Kirk gets onto the transporter pad and mentions that coming back in time to change history is cheating. Spock Prime notes that its a trick he learned from an old friend

KIRK Ah, callbacks :)

And they are transported away in a (mc)flurry of transportery sparks. Green alien looks upset that his friend Scotty has gone, but hey, thats life :)

To be continued...

Next chapter Some trouble in the engine room, the return of our favourite Cupcake and Spock proves that at least some characters played by Zachary Quinto can fistfight worth toffee


Read and Review :)