STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW

Part 7

In which you have to look forward to: The scene that launched a thousand Kirk/Spock fics

21 – Success! Kirk and Scotty have beamed onto the Enterprise...

... or, at least, Kirk has. In an engine room, no less. But where the heck has Scotty got to?

KIRK Probably beamed himself straight to the kitchen to get that sandwich

Or not. Again. Judging by the bashing coming from the inside one of the tanks in the engine room

KIRK Gah! The monster from the planet Midnight! That episode scared the crap outta me!

Nope, it ain't the monster from the planet Midnight. It's Scotty who, unluckily for him, has just beem beamed right into the water pipe system in the engine room and is now hurtling with the current towards another tank which- for reasons that shall remain unknown- is filled with multiple spinning blades

SCOTTY *gurgles* DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS!

KIRK Now what am I meant to do? *handily disposes of winter coat whilst on the move*

Luckily for our favourite Scotsman, Kirk finds a computer and manages to open a handy release valve, which disposits Scotty in a waterfall on the ground. Scotty's grouchy and wet, but he's alive so that's fine.

In other news, (adorable)Chekov has noticed the presence of the intruders and is busy reporting this oddness to Spock.

SPOCK Bring up the visual

CHEKOV *does as he's told*

SPOCK *probably spots that one of the intruders is Kirk and orders security to go bring them the hell up to the bridge. Please*

Down in the engine room Kirk and Scotty are running around aimlessly. And you know, its probably for their own good that the security redshirts turn up because otherwise where else would they go anyway? Oh, and they are led by Cupcake, who is still sour about being giving a demeaning nickname and being punched by Kirk even after several years. Some people just bear grudges, I guess.

CUPCAKE Come with me, Cupcake!

KIRK Yeah. Not funny, seeing as it wasn't me who said it. And besides, you're still Cupcake, Cupcake.

CUPCAKE Don't get clever with me

SCOTTY *gigglesnort*

Up on the bridge, Spock is patiently awaiting an explanation for this bullshit.

SPOCK And who are you?

KIRK James Tiberius Kirk (bitch)

SPOCK I was not talking to you. How did you beam aboard this ship?

KIRK You lensflares don't impress me. Anyway, you're meant to be the genius, you figure it out

SCOTTY I have nothing to do with this *attempts to sneak away*

SPOCK Answer the question

KIRK How about no? Did I make you angry? Frustrated? Anything?

SPOCK I am ignoring you. You, odd scottish man, are you a member of Starfleet

AD-LIBBING SIMON PEGG Erm... yes. Can I get a towel?

AUDIENCE *crack up*

REST OF THE CAST *crack up for half a dozen takes or more, according to the outtakes/interviews*

SPOCK *still patiently awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

KIRK Don't answer him

SCOTTY Can I stay out of these arguments? Please?

SPOCK You will answer me

SCOTTY *hides* This guy is creepy!

KIRK Spock. One question. What is your problem?

SPOCK *epic glare. Take warning*

KIRK Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered and you're not even upset

SPOCK I strongly advise you to be quiet now

KIRK Erm. No. You heartless bastard.

Kirk starts ranting at Spock about his mother. Not a good move. Not a good move at all. And one word too many, you can practically hear the snap

SPOCK *roar of anger*

At which point Spock delivers a complete beatdown of Kirk, ending up pinning him to a console and choking him almost to the point of unconciousness. You do not suggest that Spock never loved his mother. Never.

And the fangirls rejoiced. Cue the several billion Kirk/Spock fics that stemmed from this scene.

Anyway, Spock's father eventually speaks up. About ten seconds later Spock regains his senses and lets go of Kirk, the look on his face reading complete and utter "What the hell have I done?" After reporting that he, unfortunately, is no longer fit to be Captain of the Enterprise he gets the hell out of there. Everybody is very quiet and solemn. Uhura and Sarek watch Spock leave the bridge sadly, then Sarek follows him out. Bones wonders what the heck happened to his part (Spamalot songs unnecessary but possible).

SCOTTY I like this ship! It's exciting!

AUDIENCE *crack up again*

BONES Congrats all. Now we haven't got a captain or a first officer to replace him. And a Scottish man has stolen my importance. I hope you're happy.

KIRK About the whole Captain thing... *gets up and sits in the Captains chair* Wow. This chair makes me feel powerful and awesome

SULU He's right, you know

BONES *epic facepalm*

UHURA I'd like for you to know that I still hate you. Captain.

HALF THE AUDIENCE *don't hear a word she says because they are too busy cheering their faces off*

OTHER HALF *eat popcorn, but cannot fail to hide that they are impressed*

22 – Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James T Kirk speaking

And we are heading for Earth, thank you very much. Spock isn't paying attention. He's too busy walking in slow mo through the hallways looking lost.

KIRK We are going to kick some Romulan butt today. Kirk out (bitches)

Spock, meanwhile, is trying to regain some hold of the situation by hanging around in the transporter area, which is where his dad eventually finds him.

SAREK *britishly* Speak your mind, Spock

SPOCK Please go away. I'm having a depressed recolection moment

SAREK *sigh* Kids...

SPOCK Thinking about mother. Feeling angry. Don't like feeling angry. Very depressed. Why won't you people and your lensflares leave me alone?

SAREK You know when you were a kid you asked me why I married your mother

SPOCK That was ages ago, how do you remember that?

SAREK A bloke called JJ Abrams recorded it for future reference and put a load of lensflares on it and stuck it at the beginning of this film as a poignant moment. My contract states I'm obliged to remember these sorts of things so I can tell you about them in later poignant moments

SPOCK ...

SAREK I lied, by the way, about marrying her because it was logical at the time. Actually I married her because I loved her

SPOCK ... You know if that was meant to make me feel better... It didn't. It's just even more depressing owing to the fact that she is kind of dead right now

SAREK You'll get over it. I think the bridge needs you to turn up having had a change of heart about Kirk spurred on by my poignant speech to you right about now so hurry up

SPOCK ... *eyebrow*

SAREK You just stand here and think about it for a minute

23 – Methinks (Adorable)Chekov has discowered something

CHEKOV Keptin Kork! Keptin Kork!

KIRK Yes, what is it?

CHEKOV I have predicted zat Nero vill trawel past Saturn

SCOTTY *cleans ear will listening*

CHEKOV If Misster Scott can hide uz behind von of Saturn's moons then we shall be inwisible to Nero's sensors and beam aboard ze enemy shep

SCOTTY Ay, that might work. Thanks for these nice new clothes by the way. Not sure about the colour though. Red, really?

BONES *grumble* How old are you supposed to be anyway, kid?

CHEOKV Sewenteen, sir

Aaaaand the hopes of several thousand America jailbait-loving fangirls were crushed. And England cheered because the legal age is sixteen over here. Ha ha ha.

BONES Oh good, he's seventeen

KIRK I really don't know what that point of your repeating that was. At all.

SPOCK He's right, you know. Oh, and I volunteer to beam aboard the ship, steal back the black hole device and rescue Captain Pike

BONES Wow, you recovered from that heroic BSOD pretty quickly

SAREK I am awesome

KIRK ... I'm coming with you. The soaring music states that I have to

SPOCK I am not one to argue with the soaring music. Especially seeing as you would just ignore me anyway

KIRK *slaps Spock playfully on the shoulder* See, we are getting to know each other

Meanwhile in Camelot:

MERLIN Do all great friendships always start this way?

ARTHUR I don't know. Now polish my sword *eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows*

MERLIN *sigh* I am so going to magic your mouth shut one of these days. Yes Arthur. Especially as you'd just put me in the stocks if I don't

ARTHUR *ruffles Merlin's hair* See, we are getting to know one another

MERLIN *eyeroll*

Meanwhile, somewhere completely different:

TEH GREAT SLASH DRAGON I raise a toast to our awesomeness

SPOCK PRIME AND GAIUS Hell yes

HUNITH AND THE GHOST OF ABIGAIL WILLIAMS Agreed

ALL *clink coffee mugs*

To be continued...

Next chapter Its time to sort out these Romulans once and for all... If only people would stop choking Kirk and making him hang off of ledges


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