Hi there. I still own nothing. Except for the random bracelet I made at the school fair today... I own that. Because the art teacher made me make it... Its an odd story...
STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW
Part 8
In which you have to look forward to: Arse-kicking and general 'pwnage. A lot of it
24 –Oh look. Earth
Oh look... Earth just turned green and has weird things and icons and stuff appearing all over it because it is actually just a projection on a computer screen inside the Narada, or something. Interested!Nero is interested. And smug.
And, because its fun and he's evil and he wants to, he lowers the giant laser drill of doomage towards Earth and starts to fry a nice toasty hole into the Earth. As you do.
Meanwhile the Enterprise has come to a halt in a cloud of brown-yellowish space-gas/dust. Sulu and (adorable)Chekov exchange some technical jargon that I can't be bothered to work out and raise the Enterprise out of the cloud of space-gas/dust. And there is a nice dramatic shot of the Enterprise hovering next to Saturn. You know, just to impress the audience.
Scotty is rather too busy to observe the pretty cinematography, however. He's got a Captain and a Vulcan to beam aboard the enemy ship. At least, he would do if Uhura would get her tongue out of Spock's mouth any time soon.
KIRK *gawps*
KIRK/SPOCK FANS *also gawp... angrily*
EVERYONE ELSE *gawps too*
SCOTTY ... I think I speak for everyone when I say: Alllllllright then
Scotty, you can't talk, you are wearing your earpiece in front of your eye.
Methinks Kirk and all the Zachary Quinto fangirls and Zoe Saldana fanboys are extremely jealous right now.
Anyway, Uhura and Spock have finally unglued their lips from each other and are now exchanging sweet whispers and farewells and good lucks and what have you
UHURA I'll be monitoring your frequencies
SPOCK Was that meant to sound romantic or was it some kind of sexual innuendo?
UHURA *shrugs*
SPOCK Thank you, Nyota
TOS-FANS WHO SPECULATED ON THE FANON/CANON STATUS OF UHRUA'S FIRST NAME I knew it!
KIRK Teh heck just happened?
SPOCK I have no comment on the matter
SCOTTY Have you lot quite finished flirting around yet? Okay-dokey then, if there's any common sense in the design of the enemy ship I should be putting you somewhere in the cargo bay, not a soul in sight.
KIRK Scotty, are you absolutely su...
SCOTTY Bye then!
The sparks of transporterness fly around and Kirk and Spock disappear.
25 – On board the Narada, Kirk and Spock appear again... In what is most certainally not a deserted cargo bay
KIRK ...re about that?
ROMULANS INTRUDERS! SHOOT THEM!
KIRK DAMN YOU SCOTTY!
There follows a gunfight. Well, there follows a period of Kirk and Spock attempting to find cover whilst being shot at by a load of Romulans and only managing to get in a few megre shots themselves. Eventually they manage to find cover and start having a proper shootout. Meanwhile a Romulan finds a screen and uses it to talk to Nero
ROMULAN Erm, Captain, you might like to know there's a couple of intruders just turned up and started shooting at us... Oh, and one of them is Vulcan. Are you having a nice day?
NERO ... Damn
And Nero runs off, presumably to face the intruders himself. Because he is an awesome villain and not one of those cowardly type ones that just runs away at the first sign of danger.
Note repeated shot of Spock firing his pistol.
They manage to take down most of the Romulans, then Spock goes and does that mind-meld-y thing like the Doctor did to Reinette (but not in the way he did with that Craig/Smithy guy, because that hurt and he's never doing that again...) to one of the unconscious Romulans. Whilst Kirk fries the pants off of one Romulan who attempts to sneak up on Spock. And by doing that Spock now knows both where the black-hole device is and Captain Pike too. Which is good.
26 – The laser drill, meanwhile and rather coincidentally, happens to be drilling right next to:
Starfleet Academy, because its a location we've seen before and there's a nice number of red-uniformed cadets hanging around to gawp and scream
The Golden Gate Bridge, because this wouldn't be a proper action packed awesomeness movie of awesome if some American landmark wasn't in danger of being blown up/destroyed/lasered
GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE Oh come on! First X-Men 3 and now this? Pick on someone else for a change!
On the Enterprise, Uhura is ruuuuuuuuunning! And Chekov is babbling. And Sulu would like to point out that Kirk and Spock are on their own now.
Stupid laser drill of doomage.
On the Nerada:
SPOCK AND KIRK *are jogging*
SPOCK'S HAIR *is bouncy, but not as much as Prince Arthur's. Still rather humorous though*
KIRK AND SPOCK Woah, now that is an awesome ship
Because, yup, the awesome ship is in front of them. And it is awesome. Awesome and a packet of crisps.
SPOCK Problem. This ship is far more complicated and technologically advanced than I had anticipated
KIRK Well it is from the future, you know
AWESOME SHIP Voice and face recognition- welcome back Ambassador Spock
SPOCK I'm gonna be an Ambassador one day? Spoilers
KIRK Well, that sorted out the problem quite quickly. Now what?
SPOCK Hang on a minute. The future? Kirk, it appears you have been keeping important information from me
KIRK Huhwhat? *innocent face, whistle whistle*
SPOCK *impatient glare*
KIRK Erm, subject change. You are gonna be able to fly this ship, right?
SPOCK Something tells me I already have
KIRK Awesome. Bye then.
SPOCK Not so fast. Jim, if I don't return please tell Uhura...
KIRK GAH! THE CLICHE! IT BURNS!
SPOCK ...
KIRK It'll work *leaves*
SPOCK *eyebrow of doom, sits in chair* Fascinating...
NINTH DOCTOR Shouldn't that be "Fantastic"?
SPOCK ... No
NINTH DOCTOR Meh. *naffs off*
The awesome ship of awesome takes off.
27 – Kirk is now sneaking around looking for Captain Pike
Presumably Spock told him where Pike is off-screen. As you do.
KIRK Why the fridge have these Romulans got a network of pseudo-sewers in their ship? Really?
JJ ABRAMS Because it is cool. Now get on with it.
KIRK This ship is bloody creepy!
Oh look, there's Nero. Standing in front of a circular window thing that I can't happen to be reminded of some scene in Star Wars by
KIRK If anyone says "Jim, I am you're father" I am leaving. Nero, disable the drill or I will kick your...
ROMULAN *whacks Kirk in the head*
KIRK *falls over*
NERO Idiot
Kirk's gun falls over the side of one of the inconvenient platforms with no handrails of any kind hanging over a deathly drop. Hooray. Anyway, here comes Nero and he's going to use this opportunity to brag.
NERO Hm, now this is familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm? *thinks*
Meanwhile Spock manages to break out of the Narada in the awesome ship. Whilst Kirk is being beaten up by Nero and his friend. And ends up being strangled by Nero whilst Nero continues braging into his face. And Kirk wonders if he is a magnet for being choked and dangled off of ledges or something
NERO *thinks* Oh! Ah, yes, I remember. This is just the way you're father looked before he died.
In the awesome ship Spock is busy taking the leaf out of the book out of a load of Spitfire pilots who have managed to convert their planes into Space-Spitfires and is shooting down that drill. Which sends the drill plummeting towards Earth
GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE Well that's just unfair! DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS! Goodbye cruel world!
STARFLEET CADETS *scream in terror*
DRILL *lands in the sea next to the bridge*
GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE *nervously* I'm... alive? Really? They spared me? THANK YOU JJ ABRAMS!
Meanwhile, Kirk is kind of running out of air here... At least until...
ROMULAN *over tannoy* Erm, Captain, you might wanna know the Vulcan stole the ship of awesomeage and then used it to destroy our drill so... We're kinda stuffed
...
Long awkward pause
...
NERO ... !
That done...
NERO *slo-mo Matrix-leap across the platforms and awaaaay*
He quickly finds himself a screen and manages to get his face up on a little communication screen in the awesome ship of awesome
NERO Spock, I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance
SPOCK Well, you didn't, so... You fail. Oh, and I've just confiscated this ship off you. Surrender or else. Now please.
NERO Right. Kill him
ROMULAN But sir, if you ignite the red matter then...
NERO I WANT SPOCK DEAD NOW!
ROMULAN Sheesh, alright, whatever you say *sigh*
And a load of missiles are fired at the awesome ship. Because Nero wants Spock dead NOW. As in NOW.
SPOCK Oh... crap
But luckily there is a shiny little warp feature that Spock uses. Unfortunately Nero has one too
Back on those inconvenient platforms of doom, Kirk is still in trouble, because Nero's left his friend to deal with him whilst he whines and orders everybody else about and wants Spock dead NOW.
KIRK *attempts slo-mo matrix leap onto lower platform and FAILS*
And he is left hanging over a ledge. Another ledge, mind you.
ROMULAN Heh, idiot *picks up Kirk by the neck and chokes him whilst dangling him over the edge of the drop into emptiness and inevitable death* Your species is even weaker than I expected
KIRK *chokes*
ROMULAN Any last words, weakling?
KIRK Yeah, actually
ROMULAN ...?
KIRK I've got your gun
ROMULAN Wha-
KIRK *shoots him*
ROMULAN Daaaaaaamn yoooooooouuuu JJ Aaaaaaaabraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamssss... *falls into emptiness and inevitable death. And dies*
KIRK *pulls himself back onto solid ground* Ownage.
To be continued...
Next chapter The daring rescue of Pike and the even more daring escape of the Enterprise from a black hole whilst Nero undergoes a villainous breakdown. And my amusing take on the film's credits
