I must say, I am extremely irritated with FF. It erased Nero's elogated cry of "SPOCK!" from the last chapter. *sigh*
Anyway...
Here we are, for the last time. Its a sad occasion. So hey, enjoy this instalment of...
STAR TREK 2009: THE AMUSING REVIEW
Part 9
In which you have to look forward to: Dramatic tension you could cut with a spork
28 – In the ship of awesome...
Things are spinning. Awesomely. Which does not erase the small issue of the Nerada having just caught up with Spock's ship. In order to combat this Spock turns his ship around and starts to fly directly towards the Nerada. Nero (and the audience) are, understandably, confusified.
COMPUTER (freakishly calmly) Ambassador Spock, you do realise you are on a collusion course
SPOCK That's the general idea, yes
NERO Teh HECK is he doing? What to do? I know! FIRE EVERYTHING!
The crew of the Nerada, obediently, fire everything and the kitchen sink (well, if Nero isn't going to be specific...) in Spock's direction
COMPUTER Incoming missiles. If the ship is hit the red matter will be ignited and you will be screwed
SPOCK Understood
COMPUTER *sigh* -_-
NERO Go me. I am awesome. Spock is a n00b. I win :)
ROMULAN Erm... Captain...
Aaaaaaand- the Enterprise zooms into view, Big Damn Heroes stylee and blows up all the missiles. And it is awesome.
29 – Kirk, meanwhile, all ownaged up and in possesion of a Romulan gun, seems to have found Captain Pike
And the level of guarding of him is pretty low, let me tell you. Just as well, to be honest.
PIKE What are you doing here?
KIRK Rescuing you of course. If you don't want me here I could just go away and get coffee or something
PIKE ...
KIRK Just following orders
Kirk gets to unstrapping Pike from the operating table of imprisonment and doom, but has his back turned and thus doesn't notice the Romulan sneaking up behind him with a rifle... Luckily hours of imprisonment have done nothing to blunt Pike's reflexes and the Romulan is down in the blink of an eye
PIKE Ownage
Spock, by the way, is still on a collusion course. And Nero, having fired everything and failed to hit him, has nothing left to try. Especially seeing as the rest of his crew have other things on their minds
ROMULANS Run away! *do so*
And Kirk would very much like it for the Enterprise to beam them up now. And so would Kirk
The Enterprise is very happy to oblige, and along come the sparks of transporterness...
The Spinning Ship of Awesome crashes into the Nerada.
Things go boom
30 – As our heroes are beamed aboard ship... Awesomely
SCOTTY Wooooo! Go me! Oh yes! Awesomeness in a can, that is me!
BONES *rushes into transporter room* JIM! YOU'RE ALIVE! I KNEW IT! SULU OWES ME TEN BUCKS! ... Hey, a line! I didn't get any lines at all in the last section. Anyway, I should probably be taking Pike to the sick bay right now. Along with this nurse who appears to be holding some kind of weird thing... That's just odd. Anyway, off we go
SCOTTY Huh... What? That was pretty good
EVERYONE ELSE *has left*
SCOTTY Isn't anyone going to admire my awesomeness?
On the bridge (adorable)Chekov is very pleased to announce that the enemy ship is loosing power and their sheilds are down.
Oh, and by the way, in the middle of the Nerada the red matter had just united. Which means- GIANT FREAKING BLACK HOLE!
NERO Oh... damn
Might as well use the time to communicate with your enemies, eh?
KIRK This is Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise
HALF THE AUDIENCE *cheer*
OTHER HALF *attempt to listen to Kirk's badass speech over the sound of the first half of the audience cheering. Whilst eating popcorn*
KIRK So, basically, you're screwed unless you take the help we are willing to provide
...
SPOCK Hang on? What help we are willing to provide?
KIRK I'm offering them compassion. Its logic, I thought you'd like that
SPOCK No, not really. Not this time
NERO If you two have quite finished flirting, I am not going to accept your offer anyway. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you
KIRK Meh. Suit yourself
And so that means now the Enterprise is going to fire everything at the Nerada. And it has a whole lot more impact that Nero's attempt, let me tell you. I also think that Sulu is perhaps a smidge too happy about this.
And so, to the sounds of a dramatic and haunting and thouroughly awesome piece of music, the Nerada is destroyed and sucked into a black hole (in that order) and Nero dies.
He even closes his eyes, as if accepting his fate.
It is all very poignant.
But that does still leave the small problem of a GIANT FREAKING BLACK HOLE which is now attempting to eat the Enterprise as well. Noo! If that happens they will be erased from existance and die and stuff and maybe only come back as evil plastic... Hang on, I think I am getting mixed up here... Anyway. They're in trouble. And thank you great big warning sign on the windscreen to tell us all that this is the case.
KIRK Why aren't we at warp yet? Scotty... Do something about it!
SCOTTY You bet your arse captain!
ENTERPRISE *still being sucked into a black hole*
KIRK Scotty, I am waiting for you to single handedly save us all from a fate worse than death here. Isn't that what your job is?
SCOTTY I'M GIVIN' HER ALL SHE'S GOT CAPTAIN!
KIRK Well hurry up!
ENTERPRISE *still being sucked into a black hole*
And now there are cracks appearing in the ceiling. Which isn't good. As you can tell by the looks on the crew's faces.
SCOTTY Erm... I do have one idea
KIRK DO IT!
SCOTTY I cannae promise anyth-
KIRK DO IT!
SPOCK *looks over his shoulder at the screen with a concerned look for the third bloody time!*
Scotty frantically pushes some buttons. The warp cores (or whatever they are) are ejected. There is a long and dramatic pause with dramatic music and dramatic tension you could cut with a blunt spork...
And...
The music stops as the cores explode into blue like and push the Enterprise away from the black hole.
And it is awesome.
The crew all exchange looks and smiles and nervous laughter in the knowledge that they have escaped. The relief is audable. Which is partly due to the fact that the background music at this point reeks of triumph and relief.
Which is, by no means, a bad thing.
31 – Back on Earth, to tie up all the loose ends and whatnot... HEY LOOK, ITS THE UK! (Sorry, just thought I'd throw that in there) ;)
Spock is wandering around, as you do, and seems to be looking for someone. And hey, look, there's an old Vulcan with grey hair and stuff standing around.
SPOCK Father?
DUMBLESPOCK I am not our father
SPOCK O-kay. Slightly confused
GANDALFSPOCK Don't worry about it
SPOCK Erm... You know you could have just explained everything instead of leaving it all to Kirk. Might have made things a little easier
THE GREAT SPOCK Because you needed each other. You could not do it alone. You are but one side of a coin. Kirk is the other
You have no idea who good it felt typing that sentence.
SPOCK PRIME It had to be done in order to kindle a friendship that will define you both, and the world, in ways you cannot yet realise
MERLIN *facepalm*
SPOCK And how did you persuade him not to tell me the truth?
WISE OLD SPOCK Reapers
SPOCK Ah
NINTH DOCTOR You'd better believe it
ELEVENTH DOCTOR It doesn't always cause world ending paradoxes, you know... I proved that. Extremely bad for the universe, but hey, sometimes the world needs saving and all that
TENTH DOCTOR I'm here too...
SPOCK AND SPOCK PRIME Would you three go away. I'm trying to have a poignant moment here
THE DOCTOR Meh
NINE Though I will stress- Don't. Touch. The. Baby
THE DOCTOR *dissapears in a puff of logic back to his own time streams*
SPOCK What just happened?
DUMBLESPOCK Its called a crossover. They happen. Get used to it
SPOCK Back to the point. You lied.
SPOCKDALF Meh. I implied. There's a difference. You learn all about it in A-Level English Lang/Lit. And I hope you'll employ such tactics in your future at Starfleet?
SPOCK About that- I kind of have a civilisation to rebuild right now so...
SPOCK PRIME Ah, but you can be in two places at once
...
SPOCK PRIME *waits for it to sink in*
SPOCK Ah
SPOCK PRIME In this case I ask you to do yourself a favour
SPOCK ... Was that a... pun?
SPOCK PRIME Maybe. Put aside logic and do what feels right
SPOCK What if doing what feels right involves going round cutting peoples heads open and being generally evil but still somewhat awesome at the same time?
SPOCK PRIME Oh, that'll all go out of the window by series five
ME *is very proud that she waited the entire fic to slip in a ZQ/Spock/Sylar reference... and not in that way, you weirdo* Hey, it was going to happen. Why deny it now?
SPOCK PRIME Anyway. *makes Vulcan hand gesture* I'll just say "good luck" and be off then *naffs off*
ZACHARY QUINTO *makes Vulcan hand gesture in return... And will continue to be doing so for a while owing to the fact that his fingers had to be glued together in order to acheive it with his right hand*
32- A little while later...
The assembly recognises Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Oh, and Pike's an Admiral now too (and in a wheelchair- haha, TOS reference), but nobody can hear that over the sound of
1. How awesome James T Kirk is, and
2. The cheering of the audience
PIKE Congratulations, Captain. Your father would be proud of you
How very poignant. Methinks Spock Prime agrees.
Aaaaand...
Back aboard the Enterprise:
SULU Everything is epic, sir
CHEKOV And adorable and Wussian, sir
UHURA I still kinda hate you- But I can live with that... Captain
KIRK Don't you forgot. Oh yes, nice gold uniform. Nice captain's chair (Spock and I shall find a use for that in later fanfics...)
UHURA What?
KIRK Nothing *slaps Bones on the shoulder as he passes*
BONES *rolls eyes, but smiling*
KIRK How's it going Scotty?
SCOTTY Perfectly. Except that my random alien friend has found a perch and refuses to get off it *sigh* Anyway, everything's generally fine and... erm, did I mention I'm awesome and saved all your lives like, twice?
BONES Hey! Who was the one that got Kirk onto this ship in the first place?
SPOCK I think all this arguing is completely unfounded. Why can't we all just be friends? Oh, hello Captain. Permission to come aboard?
KIRK Let me think about it... Yeah, go for it :)
SPOCK Oh, and I would quite like to be First Officer, if you don't have a problem with that
KIRK It would be my honour, Commander
SPORK FANGIRLS *faint from the levels eyesex going on in this scene*
SPOCK Well then, in the timeless words of an olf friend from Gallifray: Fantastic/Geronimo/Alons-Y!
...
And- Somewhere completely different...
THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON I do love it when a plan comes together
HUNITH AND ABIGAIL WILLIAMS Here here!
GAIUS AND SPOCK PRIME To destiny?
ALL Destiny *clink coffee mugs*
GSD Picard? Wanna take us out with an obilitory monologue?
SPOCK PRIME Hang on. I thought that was my job?
QUEEN Maybe. But it's my fic. And I want some Patrick Stuart. Take us out, Picard!
CAPTAIN PICARD Righty ho... Ahem:
In an land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a gre- Hang on a minute...
GSD Nah, I like this version, carry on :)
The destiny of a great Starship rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name? James Tiberius Kirk. Bitches.
-FIN-
CREDITS (OF DOOM AND AWESOME- which feel a little bit like the new opening sequence to Doctor Who Series 5 in places. Those who watch it will understand what I mean... I hope)
STAR TREK 2009- THE AMUSING REVIEW FEATURED (in no particular order)
JJ ABRAMS as AN AWESOME DIRECTOR/PRODUCER/OTHER STUFF (Lensflares. He has them)
GENE RODDENBERY as THE BLOKE WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE (and we love him for it)
MICHAEL GIACCHINO as COMPOSER OF AWESOME MUSIC
JOHN CHO as HIKARU "Epic-Katana-wielding" SULU
BEN CROSS as A VERY BRITISH VULCAN
BRUCE GREENWOOD as CAPTAIN PIKE (he will own your ass)
SIMON FREAKING PEGG as SCOTTY
CHRIS FINE, ahem, I mean PINE as CAPTAIN JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK, bitch
ZACHARY QUINTO as SPOCK (and that is all)
WINONA RYDER as AMANDA GRAYSON otherwise known as ABIGAIL WILLIAMS from the Crucible. For in-joke reasons
ZOE SALDANA as NYOTA UHURA (and I apologise if I have spelt her first name wrong)
KARL URBAN as LEONARD "BONES" McCOY- the most awesome grumpy doctor since House and the most awesome Doctor since The Doctor
ANTON YELCHIN as Wussian ENSIGN PAVEL "Adorable/Jailbait" CHEKOV
with
(a bald) ERIC BANA as (an equally bald and rather large ham-ish but that is not in any way a bad thing) Romulan- CAPTAIN NERO
and
LEONARD NIMOY as TAKE A FREAKING GUESS
with guest appearances from Cameron from House, Christopher Eccleston/David Tennant/Matt Smith as various incarnations of The Doctor, John Hurt as the voice of the Great Slash Dragon, Colin Morgan as Merlin, Bradley James as Prince Arthur, Richard Wilson as Gaius, whoever plays Hunith as Hunith and Zachary Quinto as Sylar (albiet briefly)
Oh, and before I forget
CLARE aka. QUEENOFTHEOUTLANDS as your host, Amusing Reviewer and honary member of the Merthur/Spork/DoctorxMaster/other various pairings Slash Fan Club
And anyone else I may have forgotten
Clare out
