Gods and Loa forgive me, for I have sinned, mon. It been a long ass time since I been tied up and beat into confessin' and dat was for skippin' out on a debt, so I guess it don't rightly apply in dis case. My sins be many, but I try and cover dem all for da sake of honesty. I be stealin'. I be gamblin' wit gold I ain't got, but I guess dat count as stealin' too. I be coppin' a feel off some ladies dat maybe be a bit more passed out den dey was conscious, and one guy but mon I swear I didn't know dat at da time. Oh, and some of my tinctures be nuttin' but da snake oil, and I don't mean da kind dat be comin' from no snake. I be givin' bad advice to stupid people on purpose and I pissed in dem orc's soup cauldron… twice. I also shit on dat goblin cartel's front step and pissed… Ya know what we should skip all da piss and shit stuff cause I be sort of pressed for time. What I mean is, I know I been a real piece of work and a pretty shitty priest. I'm a spiteful, cheatin' son of a bitch, but if ya could see fit to make dis crazy goblin bitch go away and leave Larizu be, I promise to be a better holy mon in da future and try and mend my ways. Oh, and it would be nice if I don't catch da fire piss, because I ain't got no clue what da hell I been up to last night. All of ya be praised.

"Watcha thiiiinkiiiiing?" Ditzy batted her false eyelashes at the troll who was bent down before her. Larizu stared testily for a moment before parting his lips to answer. His mouth made a quiet, dry pop as his lips stuck. "Was wonderin' what color ya turn if I choke ya." The heavily made-up goblin girl cackled and waved the flier at the troll, "Kiiinkyyyy!" Shaking her yellow pigtails, she tugged at the edges of the page in a very official manner and continued reading her own words silently, though her big pink lips moved the entire time.

Larizu stared at her with the fascination of one looking at a particularly disgusting piece of shit that they had narrowly missed treading in, barefoot. The goblin was bright green, three feet tall with the addition of the big rubber heels on the pink monstrosities that served her as shoes. The rest of her getup was no less ridiculous; a purple skirt that was all folded around the edges like a curtain and far too short, pink tights that bunched around the knees like wrinkly elekk skin, and which she was constantly hiking up at the waist in a very unladylike manner. Her shirt was a cross between a half-open leather vest and a petticoat, and it was a mystery to Larizu what the hell such a shirt was even designed for. Maybe the designer just wanted to see if anyone would buy it. Maybe it was a really ugly hat. Or it was a bag. Or a shoe. Around her skinny green neck she wore a bright pink ribbon with a golden clasp-and-chain closure that had swung around from the back. Though he couldn't see the ornament that belonged at the front, he was sure that it was both huge and ugly. As if reading his mind, the goblin reached up with one long-clawed hand and fixed her choker, revealing a big green gem in an ugly gold setting. Her claws were painted pink. She kept reading.

Her shoes were so fucking ugly. Larizu felt his eyes drawn to them again. They were pink. Pink as hell. Pinker than pink, and they made his brain ache. They had these ridiculously thick rubber soles with high heels and they came up to her calves like boots. The uppers weren't made of what appeared to be normal leather, but some sort of stiff fabric. Like canvas, but pink. The thick, flat laces were drawn, criss-cross through eyelets that were lined with metal rivets - also painted pink. The paint was chipping. The ugly ass shoes had seen better days, though he was sure they'd been no less ugly.

The troll shook his head slowly and blinked several times. His eyes hurt from all the pink. He lifted his gaze; he didn't have to look far, a little over two feet, so that he was looking at the top of her head. Her hair was yellow. It was not blond. It was epic yellow. It was beyond piss yellow. He groaned inwardly at the pink ribbons she'd used to tie her pigtails in place. "Fuck my eyes, mon," he groaned.

"Shhh. Rude. Reading," Ditzy mumbled. Larizu let his eyes roll up and close. He swallowed and his adam's apple rose and fell. He wondered how the hell he had gotten into the Eversong woods, why he couldn't remember coming there, and how he had acquired so many panties. He began to wonder why he still remained in this field with this obnoxiously noisy goblin, but he knew the answer to that… Larizu loved his blood elf women. No, he didn't love them; he was obsessed. He was waiting to see if they'd come back to claim all of their pretty underthings. So instead of wondering why he remained, he wondered how long he would remain. "As long as it takes, mon."

"Rude! I said shut UP!" Ditzy didn't bother to look as she lashed out with the back of one hand, swinging an arm that was nearly the length of her body at the interrupting troll. Larizu melted silently to the ground, eyes bugging out, hot and strangely itchy. He grunted, gasped and closed them as his own long arms went between his legs and his knees crossed to pin them there. His bare feet curled up as if they sought to become outraged fists. Every muscle in his neck stood out and he felt as if his ears were on fire all the way to their long, pointed tips. His balls hurt. Then his belly hurt. He thought he might puke. Then he thought he might shit himself.

The goblin finally lowered the flier to look at the troll as he rolled so that his back was to her. "What the…?" There was the rustle of paper as Ditzy crossed her arms. She leaned one hip out and tapped the toe of a neon pink monster-shoe impatiently. "You've got ta be gidding me! It was a love tap! I barely brushed ya, ya drama queen! Sheesh what a baby!" Ditzy waited for the troll to respond. She waited a full second and he didn't. "Well? Ya got my attention!" Still no reply, and this time she'd waited two. "Bolts," she growled, stomping a circle around the curled up troll so that she stood in front of him.

Larizu felt her looming over his prone form, blocking the sunlight with her evil presence. She was a spot of cool on the side of his face, where the rest of him was warmed by the afternoon sun. He sought to bury his face in the ground, managing to catch only an itchy tickle of grass up his nostrils and a bit of dirt between his lips at the base of his right tusk. His typically long troll nose was bent against the ground. "Go away," he mumbled into the earth.

"Man what a crybaby." The little green terror's voice didn't just make his ears hurt, it made his balls hurt. How was that even possible? His Loa had heard his prayers. They had reported to his higher Gods. They were having a good laugh at his expense. This bitch was his punishment. Larizu should have been a warrior or a rogue. At least they didn't profess in the names of the spirits. Their fuckups could go unnoticed and therefore unpunished.

A rubber sole prodded him in the forehead and he grunted unhappily. Would this demon never let him be? "Ya knocked my nuts, ya crazy bitch," the troll groaned. "Huh? Oh!" The goblin chuckled, much to the priest's chagrin. "Say, since ya already dye your mohawk, have you ever considered going like purple or pink?" Larizu gasped with a start as he felt her creepy little fingers messing around in his hair. "Oooh, soft!" He'd have grabbed for a skinny green wrist, brought it to his mouth and maybe bitten down until he felt the satisfying crunch of bone and the spongy salt of raw marrow, but his hands were feeling shy about leaving his crotch and his thighs were feeling clingy about his hands. So he settled for a sickened shudder and answered in a very flat voice, "No."

"Well, if ya want I can totally hook you up! I'm great with hair. I colored my own. I do all my own makeup, ya know. I do my own wardrobe, too! I had these babies custom-made! They're my own original design!" Larizu frowned into the grass as he felt a rubber toe tap him on his upper shoulder. The angle indicated that she was now sitting on the ground as she played with his hair.

Why the hell was he letting her mess with his hair? Well, it felt sort of good. Larizu wasn't big on dignity, as long as nobody was looking. So he let the goblin wench mess with his hair for a bit. After all, he had nothing else to do while he waited for his horny blood-elf harem to return, and this big-mouthed, psychotic defiler-of-fashion obviously wasn't going to leave willingly. His Loa had abandoned him to his fate, so… fuck it. Let the bitch play with his hair if it kept her relatively quiet. Aaaah, yeah right by da ear. No, mon, don't kick da leg like a friggin' dog. Be cool, bruddah.

"Hey, you listening?" Larizu replied fuzzily, "Hmm? Oh, yeah. Shoes, mon. Ya own design." Ditzy continued raking her fingertips through his long, fuzzy mohawk. She was babbling incessantly and he caught a few words and phrases here and there, "flier bomb", "coffee", "most adorable squirrel", "rainbow pony", "lipstick", "heist", "ganked that bitch", "switchblade", "shoes", "wishbone", "deluxe apartment in the sky"…

"What?" Larizu turned his head to the side and kept his eyes squeezed shut as she'd shifted at some point during the one-sided conversation and the sunlight now warmed his eyelids. "Yeah, it was like stuck in my throat, so I grabbed some pliers and a knife…" Larizu reluctantly let his thighs relax enough to pull out one hand and squeeze his nose, relieving the tickle the grass had left there. "No no no, not dat. Ya said sometin' about sky apartments?" Ditzy stopped petting his hair and paused, "Oh, yeah!" she continued after a moment. "They got this city in the sky, Dalaran, right? It's like for mages and stuff. The whole thing is like towers and lights and streets paved with gold as faaaar as the eye can seeeee." Her tone was wistful, almost breathless with wonder.

Larizu smiled inwardly as he listened to Ditzy's childlike wonder and the fantasy description of a city he had visited and wouldn't have thought could possibly be exaggerated until now. The troll may have smiled a bit outwardly, as well, when her hand went back to his hair. He definitely felt a little grateful. Prostitutes didn't do hair petting and he'd never thought to ask. He'd have to ask. It couldn't be too expensive, compared to the other weird shit he dreamed up.

"There's ponies, too, I think. I mean, like, if you're gonna have a city in the sky ya might as well have ponies. Bolts, I'd have like a million ponies if I lived there. Correction. WHEN I live there. I'm gonna have so many ponies. Holy crap! I wonder if I can pay someone ta get those to float! You know what I heard?" Ditzy paused, but more importantly, the hand in his hair paused. "What did ya hear?" the troll quickly answered. "I heard," she paused for dramatic effect, her fingers going to the base of his ear and messing with the lobe before squeezing softly all the way to the long tip and back down. This time his leg did kick, slightly. His fists also clenched. Larizu didn't notice. "I heard," she repeated, staring into the distance distractedly, "that they got mythril and gold-plated crappers, with fancy-ass plumbing up there in Dalaran!" she cackled. "How cool is THAT?"

Larizu chuckled with honest appreciation. Not only was the fact that she obviously believed it very funny, but the idea of taking a shit on a golden toilet bordered on hilarious. "And dey be full of da night elfie's precious moonwell water?" Ditzy tugged at his ear a bit painfully in response, and his growl wasn't entirely one of displeasure, "How the hell didja KNOW?" He didn't have the heart to tell her he'd been there, and so Larizu only shrugged, "Just a guess, mon."

"Wow, you must be like psychic. Hey are you a mage?" Larizu propped himself up on his right elbow and shaded his eyes to regard the goblin. She was sitting on the ground near his head. Propped up as he was, she was about eye-to-eye with him. She was sitting in a manner best suited for pants, especially given the fact that her tights had become quite crotchless (though it was obvious they'd not been designed that way) and he got an eyeful of bright red underpants. Larizu didn't let his gaze linger, and it had nothing to do with politeness. He focused instead on her very painted face. She wore sky-blue eye shadow that extended all the way to her high arched brows and her false eyelashes were thick with clumpy black mascara. The sight of her painted pink lips made him smile, though not in the way she probably intended. Ditzy grinned back.

"Why ya ask dat?" The goblin shook her head, yellow pigtails bouncing as she gave him a you-must-be-stupid look. "Why else would ya be wearing a skirt?" Larizu lowered one hairless eyebrow at her, "It be a sarong. Dere's a big difference." He shot up a hand to shush her the moment her face broke out into a giant shit-eating grin, "No more sarong jokes. Dey all worn out." Ditzy crossed her arms and started to retort. Larizu beat her to it, "Rude!" Tilting her head and puffing out her chubby cheeks as she narrowed her eyes, the goblin snapped, "Brat!" Larizu shrugged, "I been called worse, mon." He'd also received far worse than a kick between the eyes with a giant pink shoe, but he also wasn't prepared. "Shit!" Larizu covered his forehead and closed his eyes. It didn't kill, but it hurt more than he could have anticipated, given her size. Man, the goblin could move fast. "Ruuude!" came the huffy squeal. Pfft. As if he'd kicked HER in the head.

When he finally thought it safe to unshield his forehead, Larizu found Ditzy sitting in the same position she'd been before her little martial outburst. "So? Are ya?" she continued as though nothing had happened. "Rude? … yeah, mon." Ditzy laughed and reached out to slap him playfully on the forehead. He was a little embarrassed when he flinched. "No, dumbass. I meant a mage!" Larizu shrugged and shook his head as he sat up, glad to get his face out of whacking range. "Nah. I'm actually a priest." The pair blinked at each other. "A shadow priest?" Larizu just stared at her. Ditzy rolled her eyes and shoved her hand in her Brobdingnagian* green cleavage. Larizu began to raise his hands in surrender, his hackles quite literally rising at the prospect of whatever weapon she was fishing around for. She produced a lipstick and popped the cap off, staring at him as she somehow spoke and applied the greasy pink goo at the same time, "You know… like a warlock that calls themselves a priest and goes around using shadow voodoo to smite their enemies to death! COOL! Can you show me how to melt a face?" Larizu scratched his cheek, "No." Recapping the lipstick, Ditzy shoved it deep in her boob-space.

The priest noticed just then that her panty selection was gone. He had a feeling he knew where those had disappeared to. "Aw, c'mon. Don't be such a loser. Just a little face? Like on a cat? I swear I'll only use it for the forces of evil…" Larizu slapped a hand over his forehead and then quickly removed it because his forehead was sore. Man, that bitch could kick. He hoped the bruise wouldn't look like a shoe. His tinctures were all back in Orgrimmar and it would take a day to get there. "I am a priest of da healin' discipline," he began in a forced tone. "I mend wounds, mon. I be healin' da sick."

Ditzy's normally wide-eyed stare became half-lidded, as if she were drunk. Her lips parted ever so slightly. Larizu thought maybe he heard a really quiet fart. Her hands had fallen to the grass at her sides. One of her shoelaces was untied and a breeze kicked up, causing the shoelace and her ruffled skirt to lift sideways and then fall. The errant breeze faded, thankfully carrying away any possible fart odor before Larizu could smell it. She was so utterly still that Larizu could have sworn he saw the pulse in her heavily painted eyelids.

Gradually, at such a lethargic pace that it seemed as though time itself had stopped for the goblin, Ditzy's eyelids began to draw back again. This occurred so slowly that the clouds in the patch of sky Larizu could see behind her seemed to race like darting fish. A tattered bird feather stuck to a blade of grass just behind the frozen goblin, and when another gentle gust rolled through the feather seemed to shoot off like a bullet, so slow were Ditzy's eyelids moving.

At around the same pace, Larizu felt a lump begin rising in his throat. What the hell? Was she having a fit? He wasn't concerned for her safety so much as his own. It was already quite obvious that this little green female was insane and quite dangerous for her size. The troll was disconcerted to observe that her eyes were now so wide that the lids had all but disappeared. What was she gonna explode?

Then her jaw dropped… and she exploded. "…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!" Larizu leapt to his feet, backpedaled and fell on his bony ass with a painful jolt. He was screaming too, but his own voice was no match for the explosive howl that was issuing forth from the goblin's lungs. "…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!" The unlikely priest couldn't even continue fleeing. The sound was too horrific. He pressed his hands to his sensitive ears and stared in rabbit-like terror as the primitive beast in him took over.

"…..." Now, were the primitive beast to be evoked in the average troll, the general consensus is that the resulting reaction would be best described as fight-or-flight. Or, as graphically illustrated in about 50% of documented cases, fight-or-fuck (trolls like to draw fucking and fighting). Larizu, however, was perfectly suited to his modern lifestyle, and so when greeted with this sudden and unexpected threat, he went into his surprised defensive mode: flight-or-piss. Larizu was about one minute away from pissing. Fighting was the backup plan, followed by groveling and maybe crying.

"…AAAAAAAAA…" Her eyes were lidless now, huge and round and insane as they showed all the whites. Her long, skinny rose over her head, hands balled into tight fists until the knuckles were so pale that they were nearly yellow. "...AAAAAAAAAAA…"

Larizu would have prayed to all his Loa and Gods but he was beyond all rational thought. His hands were pressed so tightly to his ears that his jaw and tusks ached but he continued pressing. His pointy elbows were bent out to the sides, head dipped low as he stared in horror at the wailing goblin-siren. His shoulders were hunched protectively and every muscle in his arms stood out as he squeezed the sides of his head as though he sought to collapse his skull in to escape the mindless terror that seized him.

"...!" Ditzy threw her head back and brought her fists down to the ground with two loud thumps. Her heels pounded the ground as she drummed her shoes and cackled hysterically. Larizu trembled, the thin white ridge of fur that normally lie flat and invisible against his spine standing up ramrod straight on his bare back. His ears were ringing so loudly that he could no longer hear; could only see her bouncing with her own laughter as she kicked and shook her giant head at the sky.

After what seemed an eternity, a mother-fucking dragon's age perpetual infinity, she became winded enough that her laughter was only twice the volume of what might be deemed bearable. Larizu hesitantly let his hands drop, mostly because his wrists and head hurt. The blood rushing to his ears was no picnic. Despite the fact that the 'danger' had passed, his heart was still tripping almost painfully and he had to do a mental check to be sure he hadn't indeed pissed. A moth brushed his bicep and he let out a guttural cry as he swatted it away.

The goblin was still laughing. Her hands were folded over her belly and she was doubled over, her massive tits shaking, barely contained in the tightly-laced shirt. Gathering himself shakily from the ground, Larizu settled into a more natural squatting position. His sarong had flapped open in the front and he growled as he hastily yanked it closed. "I saw that," Ditzy interrupted her cackling to announce soberly. Before he could respond she was howling at the sky again and the troll could only glare at her icily and fold his arms across his chest. Finally, if only to get her to shut the fuck up for a second, Larizu asked, "What da fuck ya goin' on about?" Ditzy snorted and swallowed as she matched his gaze. "You… a h-holy troll!" She burst into another giggle fit, "Hahahaha! La-hahaha… Larizu… Use the puh-power of the light to fuh-fihill me with righteous glohory s-so that I m-muh-might smite the fuh-forces of… huhuhuh… of EVIL! Ahaha! What a riot! Holy shit!"

Larizu stared mutely as the goblin lowered her voice in a parody of his, somehow mixing her obnoxious goblin accent with an approximation of his own trollish. "Yeah mon hahaha! S-sure ting m-mon! Hahahahahah! We be vanquishin' dem shit en den I gonna sell some dem… hahahah! Some dem yuh-yuh… uhuhuh! AHAHA! USED PANTIES MON! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

He should have been offended. Shit, he was offended. He was a failed priest, reduced to using tinctures and muted versions of earth and holy magic because the light was stingy with its blessing when it came to Larizu, as were the elements, and he couldn't blame either. The truth fucking hurt. But the best comedy comes from the painful truth. Despite himself, Larizu began to chuckle. Before long the chuckle drew out and became full-blown, raucous laughter. "Hardly, mon! I mostly be relyin' on da tinctures and bandages fer healin'. Da light be pissed wit Larizu!" he blurted out, laughing. "Oh man, what a gas! I'd sure hate to be you!" Ditzy chimed in merrily. "Yeah but at least my skirt be long enough ta cover my ass!" Larizu howled, slapping his thigh.

"Too bad you only got one nut!" she cackled. Larizu's laughter slowed. That one went below the belt, quite literally. He was hoping she hadn't noticed that. Surprisingly, not many did. "Ya only need one, mon. Ya got ugly shoes." He was satisfied to see that she winced at that and looked at each shoe in turn, "DO NOT!" He said each word slowly, drawing them out. "Do. Too."

"Yeah? Well you got a tiny dick!"

"It be a grower, not a shower, mon."

"Whatever," she snorted, "Like I'd take the word of a skirt-wearin', one-nut hack priest who peddles used underwear in the stinkin' woods." She fluffed one pigtail.

"Your hair be da color of piss."

"Sunshine!"

"PISS!"

"Your tusks are tiny."

"Oh dat is so fuckin' it." Larizu leapt to his feet, as did Ditzy. "I'm gonna bend your tiny baby tusks." "I'm gonna slap da pink off ya ugly face." "Bring it, holyman!" "It already been brung, mon!"

Larizu stomped angrily toward the goblin, his vision tunneling until all he could see was his own hands, bent into claws as they framed his view of her giant head staring balefully up at him. "Ya be so finished, girlie." He reached for her, and she disappeared.

"Da f-? AAAHAAA," he sobbed. "OH YA NASTY LITTLE MOTHAH!" Larizu twisted around and tried to bat at the goblin, who had dove between his legs and clamped onto the back of his heel, just above the dewclaw. "OH SHI-HI-HIT I GONNA KILL YA!" his voice was shrill with pain as he danced about. Ditzy hung on tight, letting her pointed teeth do all the work, her body completely limp as she tittered through a mouthful of blood. "Ya like that holyman?" Her words were too muffled to understand, but it was the thought that counted.

Spinning desperately, the little biter just out of his reach, Larizu forced himself to stop moving. His breath came in high-pitched whines as he pressed his balled fists to either side of his head, eyes bloodshot as he twisted around to stare at her. Let go let go let go you bitch let go please for da love of all tings good and evil and neutral let da fuck go… He could have cried when her bite loosened. He did cry when she chomped down a little further up. "NO-HO-HO!"

The troll started to run across the field in a panic, wailing hysterically and babbling to his gods in a desperate mixture of both orcish and Zandalari, "Save me from dis demon! Atak beh atal nihi! Ow! OWOW! Itek misa ika teloa ta'aan PLEASE FA DA LOVE OF DA- OOOOW! Sa atal no more no more tiktaan dis- GAAAAAAAAAH! MONSTAH! Larizu be good! Mend my ways! Larizu be atal'loa! Light! Grant me da strengt ta knock dis bitch- AHOW! Shango! Lukou! OW FUCKIT! HAKKAAAAR!" Ditzy remained limp; expertly allowing her body to flop over each grassy knoll as the panicked troll stomped and kicked and zigzagged all over the field. She giggled around her mouthful of troll. "Fuck my life DAT HUUURT!"

"Woah!" Larizu threw his hands up just in time as he tripped and flew forward. Ditzy felt the troll's legs rising and she let go at just the right moment. The goblin went soaring over his head as the inertia of his flight flung his long legs over his back. He caught a glimpse of her flying end-over-end before his slightly smaller than average tusks plowed into the ground and his vision was obscured by the grass he was growing accustomed to. "Aaaaawesooooooome!" Ditzy exclaimed as she sailed weightlessly through the air. The goblin didn't land with a whump, so much as many small thuds, as she rolled and tumbled several times before landing on her ass. When she realized she was sitting up, she flung her arms in the air and shrieked, "Holy shit! Did you see that?"

Larizu let the grass suck the angry heat from his tear-streaked face as the blood gushed from his ruined flesh and soaked the ground. Several yards in front of him, Ditzy sat with her back to the troll, facing the woods. The goblin lowered her arms and reached into her cleavage and began rummaging around.


* I used that word just to make you look it up. I'm feeling "Ditzyish" xD BOLTS!