Making my way up to Dervish' study, a steaming mug of hot chocolate warming my cold fingers. I push open his door. Dervish is hunched up in a big leather chair behind a huge computor screen, the glow illuminating his face in the dark room. I walk in a curl up in the leather chair opposite him. He doesn't look up from the screen but grunts meaning he knows I here. I watch him for a few minutes, draining my mug of hot chocolate. After a few more minutes of awkward silence I slam my mug on the desk and mutter, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do about the werewolf? I don't want to hurt anyone!" Dervish looks up startled, blinking owlishly. He doesn't say anything, just stands up and comes around the desk. He sits directly in front of me, perched on the desktop. He grabs my chin and tilts my head so I'm forced to look at him.
"We're not even sure you are a werewolf. So stop worrying. I'll look after you...I promise. Grubbs, we'll get through this no matter what. I'll battle Lord Loss for you." He says firmly yet softly. I jump up from my seat.
"No! I can't let you fight him! It won't work any way!" I cry, "I won't subject anyone to that. You don't owe me anything! I'll call the Lambs, I don't want anyone to get hurt! Especially not you! You're all I have left!" I hug him hard. He's not going to fight Lord Loss for me. I won't let him or anyone else. I don't want anyone to die for me. Lord Loss won't even help us. If we invite him to Carcery Vale he'll just kill us, he won't help us. He hates us more than anything, well mostly me. He'll be glad of my suffering.
"You might lose some of those noble ideas when the times comes." Dervish says, his voice muffled by my shoulder. I release him, stand tall, "I'm prepared to die." I say softly, firmly. He looks at me, his eyes full of admiration and awe. He claps my shoulder, "You should go get some sleep. I'll be down soon, to keep an eye on things." He says sadly. I nod and go to my room. After I've undressed, I'm only in my boxers, I crawl under the duvet and close my eyes, faking sleep, letting my worries go, relaxing. Tendrils of sleep pull me under but not before I've heard Dervish come in and sit in the armchair by the window.
I jolt awake, sure I'm in danger. I sit up groggily, rubbing my eyes, looking round the room frantically. Dervish isn't in his seat anymore and my door is swinging open. That's what woke me. I'm sure of it. Since I'm up I'll go see if I can find the bald old coot. I roll out of bed and start up the stairs towards his study. The study door is ajar and light is streaming into the hallway. I peek round the corner. Dervish is on the phone, a thin black folder in his hand, making angry gestures, talking animatedly. I know I shouldn't be eavestropping but he looks deep in conversation and my curiousity has been piqued.
"Yes! I know what I have to do! Yes! Of course I can!" He snaps down the phone, then adds on softly, "He's like a son to me. He's my bestfriend. Yes I have the numbers! You just worry about your job and leave me to worry about mine! Just get word to Beranabus!" He snaps then throws the phone down angrily. I'm trembling with fear. Not because what he said but because I know that folder. I know it only to well. It's the folder that contains the numbers to the Lambs. I have them memorised when Dervish was a vegetable, when I lived in fear of the werewolf. Dervish coughs in his study, breaking me out of my thoughts. He;s going to come back to check on me. I sprint down the hall and race down the stairs and into my room. I dive under the duvet and feign sleep. Dervish comes back in, settles himself in his chair and snores. I know he's deeply asleep when I here the pig choking. I sneak out from my bed and creep up the stairs. I push open the door and go over to his desk. I find the folder and just to confirm my fears, flick through the pages. I'm trembling with anger, rage and betrayal. Dervish' gave up on me. We Gradys' never give up on each other. But he's given up on me. He's been in cohorts with the Lambs. I'm going to die for definate now. I carefully place the folder back and go back down to my room. I slip under the covers, giving Dervish a nasty glare with one thought ringing through my head: And the Lion shall lie down with the Lamb.
When I wake the next morning Dervish has gone out for his jog. I make myself some bacon and shove the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I can't believe Dervish has betrayed me, its low, just low. I always knew this was going to happen just I didn't figure as soon. I guess a part of me hoped that Dervish would take on Lord Loss and win again. But that's a selfish, childish part of me. I wouldn'tsubject anyone to the sheer terror of that encounter. Even Dervish. As I'm going upstairs to get dressed, Dervish bursts in the room, bright red and dripping sweat. He puts his hands on his knees, bends over and pants heavily. I shake my head and continue up the stairs to get dressed.
I avoid Dervish as much as possible, only the ocassional coversation. I become withdrawn and moody, brooding over my inevitable death, barely talking, hardly eating. I'm becoming like I was in the mental asylum. I often wake screaming at night, still fighting the dream world, fighting the werewolf, damaging my body in many places. A cut above my eye, bruises and other small cuts. Dervish is always there, pressing a cold cloth to my head, shaking me awake, comforting me after a brutal nightmare. As wrapped up in Juni as he is, he hasn't forgotten me. Juni's here most nights too. Yippee! I stay away from her too, no need to get the pretty albino invovled in my stupid problems. She'd probably just try and sort it with words anyway. One evening while I'm eating a microwave curry I hear Dervish and Juni talking in the hall.
"Grubbs is turning into a werewolf. But he's stopped talking to me. I want you to try and help him. Please Juni, you're trained at this." Dervish pleads. How dare he tell her my secret!
"Of course I'll help love, but he won't talk to me either. He stays locked in his room. Goes straight up there after school, only comes down for ten minutes to get some food, which I've very little doubt he eats. He's gotten so skinny lately. I'll talk to him. Straight after school tomorrow." Juni promises. The curry leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I put the rest of it in the bin and push out the kitchen, almost knocking Dervish over. I may have lost weight but I could still kick his ass any day.
The next day, after school I get the call I've been waiting for as I enter the house.
"Grubbs, can you come through here for a minute?" Dervish calls. I dump my stuff and rip off my tie. I go through to the TV room. Dervish and Juni are sitting side by side on the couch, his hand on her leg, her hand on top of his.
"What's this?" I question, though I already know! Juni clears her throat and looks at Dervish nervously. Jeez, I'm not that scary.
"I want you to have counsel sessions with Juni. You've become locked away, sullen and moody. You've stopped talking to me and avoid me as if you have a problem with me. I think Juni can help. She's willing to try and so am I." Dervish says carefully, measuring each word. I run a scathing eye over him. Then over Juni.
"You think you can stick me on a couch and get Juni to worm out the truth? Open me up like a can, get deep into brain. Well as much as I hate to disappoint, you'd be wasting your time." I snap, instantly defensive. It's my head, I can keep it locked up if I want.
"We only have your best interests at heart." Juni butts in, "If you'd rather we did patient to counsellor, confidentiality promised fine. But I'd much rather do it friend to friend. Dervish doesn't have to be here, if you have a problem with him"
"I'm not doing it. There's nothing to help me. I'm too far gone. You can't save me. Just leave me alone! I don't need your poxy psychology!" I snarl. Juni looks taken aback by my sudden burst of rage. Dervish rears forward, getting to his feet and posturing up to me. I'm a head taller than him but I know his strength, still I could take him if worst comes to worst.
"Don't talk to her like that!" He roars, raising a hand to slap my face off. I smirk, puffing myself out to my full size. My muscles bulge under my shirt, my hair hangs forward into one eye, giving me a menacing evil look.
"Come then. Hit me. I know you want to." I goad him, he doesn't react so I tell him again, "HIT ME!" And he does. His hand whips my cheek and sends me sprawling to the ground. I clasp my cheek and smirk at him, relishing the pain. I can taste blood in my mouth, "Better?" I cock my head to the side.
"Much." He snarls and storms from the room. Juni goes after him, shooting me a worried glance. I smirk smugly, rubbing my cheek and get to my feet. I don't feel good about that at all. I feel horrible, I shouldn't have snapped like that. But what's done is done so no point crying over spilt milk. I leave the house, slamming the front door so they know I've gone. Hell I don't want to come back. I want to end it all. I don't want to be a werewolf! I don't want to be alive! So that's it. I'll finish it.
