Okay, now ya just bein' spiteful. I should know. I be one spiteful troll. What else ya want from me, Loa? I already confess my sins. I promise I gonna try and mend my shitty ways. So what do ya do? Ya turn ya backs in my hour of need and let dis goblin bitch mangle my damn leg. Fuck but dat hurt. I can't even look, mon, for fear dat da shit don't even be attached. Larizu don't deserve dis shit, mon. Nobody deserve dis shit. I never question ya, even when dey took my nut and my eye… Okay, yeah I did sort of renounce ya all and build a few effigies outta kodo shit en burn dem down, but I was drunk and I had only one fuckin' nut. Besides, I came back, right? I apologized, didn't I? Ya be da ones dat spose ta have all dat infinite wisdom and shit. Larizu only be mortal.
Much as I be fuckin' up, I be healin', don't I? And it ain't like ya be doin' all dat much helpin' wit it lately. What I'm sayin' is, ya gods and Loa should cut me some fuckin' slack or Larizu liable to go all apeshit and get into dat demon juju and start really cut- … Ya know what? I'm sorry. I'm under da duress… Da temporary insanity. Let's just forget da whole ting. If ya see fit ta let Larizu keep his badly mangled leg, dat be nice though, because I ain't pointin' no fingers but I ain't be havin' da best of luck wit shit dat should be in pairs. Praise all ya names and I hope we can just let da bygones be gone and goodbye?
Uh, Light if ya be payin' attention maybe ya could talk wit da Loa and let dem know I heal ya children much better if I got two fuckin' legs. Tanks.
Larizu turned his mind from his higher powers to the hurt that assaulted his left leg, from the heel all the way to the middle of the calf. The troll would have preferred to keep his thoughts away from the intense pain, but he needed to take a break from his one-way conversation with the gods, before he incensed them further and got a thunderbolt up the ass or ended up with nothing where he still retained half-a-pair of something. He laid facedown, five-inch-long, curved tusks buried in the ground. His tusks were actually seven and three quarter inches long; if you peeled back his lower lip so far that it pinched. Larizu had measured in the mirror. Often.
His nose was bent at an uncomfortable angle and his breath whistled through his nostrils. His right hand was thrust upward and lay palm-down in the grass. His left was stretched out to the side, bent down at the elbow so that the hand was palm up, clenched into a fist. The fist was holding a torn out chunk of grass, earthy clump of roots and all. The white roots that stuck out of the dirt clod like stringy hair swayed slightly, a few chunks of brown soil loosening and tumbling out of the troll's grasp. A small earthworm squeezed from between his two blue fingers and plopped to the ground, disappearing between the blades of green as it sought out the cooler, loamy depths. Larizu was too preoccupied to notice.
All was quiet. Well, all was not perfectly quiet, but there was the distinct lack of a certain screeching mad cackle amidst the normal afternoon birdsong and quiet intermittent leaf-rustle of the surrounding forest. Had he not been so wrapped up in the suffocating, scratchy-tight blanket of pain, Larizu might have been grateful for that. On some level he might have been, but in the more immediate space of his consciousness he was best defined as wretched. He had all the remaining sentient thought of a bug, pinned through the guts by a pointy stick as its innards baked in the sun. He was pain and pain and nothing else. He was anguish incarnate, the apotheosis of misery, the epitome of suffering. Actually, he was conscious enough that he was thinking all of those dramatic things, but his ears were ringing from the pain and he was actually in a great amount of it.
He could feel the blood as it gushed from the wounds, tumbling over either side of his ankle to run down the front of his shin and coat his knee before soaking the earth. He felt it slow from what was initially just short of a pumping spray to a steady stream; finally becoming a lazy river of gore, warm and sticky where his knee met the ground. He would have to tend to that. The bleeding had slowed quickly, given how grievous the wound must indeed be; thank the stingy fucking Loa for the regenerative properties of trolls. Sorry, Loa! Larizu didn't mean dat! Still, bleeding was bleeding and while trolls were great at mending up, it didn't mean they'd been designed to withstand crazy biter goblin bitches.
Speaking of crazy goblins, he hoped she'd slammed into a tree or worse… Larizu grit his teeth and drew his arms in toward his chest, pushing off the ground as he kept his weight centered on his wrists and knees. He leaned back gingerly, trying to let the weight balance between his knees and his uninjured right leg, but the left one still felt it and he cried out in pain. His right hand shot down and clutched at the tensely bulging muscles of his thigh through the thin fabric of his sarong. His left flew up to his face, abruptly cutting off his own anguished scream as he slammed a wad of grass and a massive clump of dirt into his gaping mouth and down his throat. Eyes swelling, he coughed and yanked at the grass, managing to pull out most of the dirt and toss it aside.
The troll's eyes watered as he tried to breathe in and only managed to suck more gritty soil into his wheezing trachea. Coughing out and then taking in tortuously brief gasps that were only getting shorter, he leaned forward on both hands, trying to gag. His vision began to darken.
Ditzy sat where she had landed, comfortably, facing the woods with her legs splayed out in front of her. She was no worse for wear, except that she'd had to wipe a bit of troll blood from her mouth and refresh her lipstick. She'd used a pair of the panties she had stuffed down her shirt. They were ugly ones, anyway. After she balled them up, she had chucked them and they now dangled in a nearby tree.
The goblin held up her hands for inspection before she reached down and began thumbing through the row of tools she had laid out. "Hmm…" There were files of assorted shapes, lengths and material. Alongside those were tweezers, a half-dried bottle of pink polish with more dried polish on the outside than on the inside, industrial tin snips, a ratcheting screwdriver, a compact telescoping jeweler's lense that fit directly over the eye, and a worn out toothbrush with a sharpened handle. Oh, and there was also a lipstick, of course. Ditzy plucked up a rather large, flat file and began drawing it back and forth across her claw idly as she stared into space. "I wonder if a Coffee-Getter gets to wear a badge… I wonder if I get a gun or I have to bring one of my own…"
Somewhere behind her, Mister Meanie-brat Rudeman Holytroll was making some kind of a fuss. Ditzy either didn't notice or didn't care. She just kept filing away, staring into the woods, chatting with herself about the important things in life. "Maybe I should ditch the pink thing and do a purple fashion line. Or maybe lime green." She rubbed her fingernails across her skirt and found a snag, "Bolts." Bringing the file to the offending claw, she quickly smoothed out the burr and switched hands.
Now the troll was making noises that sound like, "Kak kek kak!" What an attention-whore. "Hmm… Maybe purple sneakers with green stripes… And more heel!" She squealed with delight as she clapped her hands together. Blowing the whitish claw-dust off her fingers, she gathered up the files, polish, tweezers, toothbrush-surprise, screwdriver, tin snips, and pocket knife and caught them between her hands, making a wedge which she then dove between her morbidly ample breasts, parting them and withdrawing her hands quickly; tits bouncing in their wake. Of the tools there was no sign, not even the slightest bulge.
Having put away her toys, just like her mom had always told her to, "Mom, what a bitch," she rolled her eyes; Ditzy snatched up her jeweler's lense and lipstick. Oh, wait; she was an orphan, "Heh."
Holy Troll was now making these high-pitched, dry wheezing noises that were like really getting annoying. Ditzy twisted the jeweler's lense to zoom it out, shoved it into her eye and sat up, spinning around as she uncapped her lipstick with an audible pop. "You know, that's like really getting annoying… Oh. Choooking. I get it."
Ditzy quickly applied some lipstick, recapped the tube and dropped it into her Cleave of Wonders. She closed her eye so she could stare at the floundering troll in zoomy-vision. "Cooool." Larizu still knelt on the ground, hands at his own throat as if he were throttling himself. He drew in his right leg, stood on it, brought in the left one, tried to scream in pain, the veins and tendons in his face and neck standing out. Though Ditzy couldn't see this, she caught an eyeful of rippling back muscles and her brows raised as the crest of fur on the troll's spine rose, "Woah daddy! Hang on, Holyman!"
Ditzy stood at the edge of the field, all bright piss -er- 'Sunshine' yellow pigtails and neon purple and pink garb. Her one eye was obscured by a lense that looked like a tiny black telescope. The other was wide with excitement. Her tights were miraculously tight and unwrinkled and she held her arms wide, her hands balled into fists. Legs apart in a "bring it, world!" stance, she looked like a hero. Ditzy was a hero. "I'm a motherfucking hero!" Ditzy charged. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA…!"
Larizu heard the cry and actually tried to flee, though his vision had gone from dim with blue spots to blue with black spots and he couldn't feel his limbs or much of anything beside the burn in his chest. He didn't make it far. The goblin could move. She could really, really fucking move. In the amount of time it took Larizu to think, "Oh dat's it, Loa. I be…" Ditzy had already crossed three dozen yards and launched herself through the air, pink-shod feet forward like a screaming green missile, purple ruffle of a skirt flapping up to her neck.
"AAAAAA…!"
The troll had fallen to both knees again and he slapped both hands over his face as he braced himself for whatever hellish death awaited him. Couldn't the gods just have let him finish choking to death in peace?
"…AAAAH!"
…That was it?
"DIE!"
Larizu was struck, no, reamed, no, god-fucked in the back, on either side of his spine. He was propelled forward with such force that he managed to catch the dirt and mucus plug that had been punched out of him directly in his face before he ate ground for what seemed the thousandth time that day.
He laid there, his breath coming in wheezing sobs. Breathing hurt like fuck, but it was good. It was life. So he was missing a leg. He could use that to his advantage. Stir up some mercy-business. Tips, even. Turn misery into gold. No way was anyone gonna know he got his foot bit off by a goblin. He'd have to come up with something. He'd iron out the details later. For now, he was just certain he didn't feel ready to die.
Tank ya, Loa, for dis second chance at life. I'll try and do my best as a one-legged, one-nut, one-glass-eye healer and I promise ta never stray from da path again. I learned my lesson. Please make da goblin go away. Praise all ya names.
Ditzy kept her legs rigid until the moment of impact, flinging her arms forward and down as she let herself bend forward at the waist, her knees loose. She flipped over once, twice, her head rolling on the ground before her round ass landed with a thud. She quickly shoved herself to her feet and flung her arms out, tossing her pigtails as she glanced over her shoulder to see if Larizu had seen the failed landing. He hadn't. The lazy rude was still lying on his face. Bolts, trolls were so stinking lazy. They had good hookah though.
"Tadaaaaa!" Ditzy spun around and stomped into position, legs apart, arms still spread in the air. "TA-DAAAAAAAAAAH!" After a moment, she let her hands drop to her hips, one foot tapping impatiently. Her exposed eye narrowed.
The troll slowly bent his arms and pushed up off the ground, again on his knees as his shaking arms held his weight and he gasped, his lungs still aching. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!" Larizu's ears twitched as he cringed his head toward his right shoulder to avoid the piercing shriek. "Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Grohoss! Gross! Ew!"
Swallowing, he swung his head toward the goblin, clearing his dry throat as he let out a hoarse bark. He cleared his throat again. "Shut up," he managed to croak.
Ditzy was dancing from ugly pink shoe to ugly pink shoe, pointing at him as she screamed, one wide eye rolling wildly. The other eye had something black jammed into it. "Shit eater! Shit eater!" She continued to babble as she bounced from foot to foot, jabbing each finger at him in turn, her face a bizarre mixture of insane disgust and insane terrified laughter.
"EweweweweweweweEEEEW!"
Larizu shook his head slightly, reaching up and wiping at his face with the back of his left hand, the arm he was still balanced on trembling with the added effort. The lack of oxygen had really taken its toll on his muscles and he had to slap his hand back on the ground quickly before he fell over. Glancing down at the back of his hand, Larizu lifted his angry gaze to the frantically cavorting goblin. "It ain't shit. It's dirt, ya moron."
She was chittering like a rabid green monkey, head shaking from side to side as she gestured and gibbered, "Shit eye!" She leveled an accusatory finger at him. "It's on your eye! Oh nasty! You're so gah-ross! Ew!"
Larizu rolled his eyes… Larizu rolled his EYE as he reached up again and wiped at the surface of the false one. Sure enough, his finger came away bearing a big, mucousy blob of dirt. He flicked it away with a look of disgust and settled down on his elbows with a pained grunt. His leg was killing him. Maybe the monkey did give him rabies. Or the fire piss. Larizu wondered what the fire piss did to a leg. Well, it burned for starters, apparently. He glared at her lipstick-smeared mouth and his stomach did a somersault.
"EEEEEEEW! YOUR EEEEYE!"
Larizu snarled, "Could ya just shut up a second?"
Far from putting an end to her caterwauling, his question only seemed to further incite the crazed goblin. "You wiped off the red! GROSS! GROSS! You choked on SHIT and wiped off the RED!"
Larizu stared at her, his face slack and unreadable in his confusion. Larizu blinked. Ditzy screamed. Larizu swallowed. Ditzy danced. She didn't stop screaming, but he had stopped listening. It was all "eye" this and "shit eater" that.
Larizu reached up with one finger, pressed it to his left eyeball, and rolled it into place. Ditzy didn't abruptly stop dancing, rather she wound down slowly, the fingers she had been helpfully indicating the decrepit eye with curling slowly back into her fists. Her pigtails stopped bouncing and settled with jutting out of her skull like retarded handles. Her feet were the last to stop, slowing to a march and then just rocking as the knees bent in place.
Ditzy watched, mesmerized, as the troll adjusted his all-white eyeball so that the red and black showed. He stared back at her the entire time. Her own eyes widened and the jeweler's lense dropped, her hand darting out of its own accord and catching it deftly as she looked on. She sniffed; wiped at her nose, fell silent as her hand fell back to her side.
Larizu blinked several times and the eye became perfectly centered, indistinguishable from its brethren. The troll and the goblin stared at one another in silence. Ditzy bent to yank up her tights. Larizu spoke softly, his face tired and pale, his tone bitter, "I like ya better dis way."
Ditzy looked up as she struggled with her tights, "with my tights down?"
Larizu shook his head once. "Wit yer mouth shut."
Not to sound too QQ gushy, but Five Shades has really been my muse lately. Go drool over her art.
Should be more shortly. I could write all freaking day but my back is wrecked, so if I don't get any more out today, blame advil.
