MP ch10a
I've hit a bit of writers block the past 2 months and have struggled to write just about anything...it's been so frustrating for me.
The reason that I'm telling you all this is because my partner and I were out of prewritten chapters and I was forced to come back to writing...and wow. The muse for this fic hit me and hit me hard friday night...I finished 2 1/2 chapters in a matter of hours and I was squealing with happiness.
We are both extremely attached to this story and seriously talk about you, yes YOU, the readers when working out the remainder of our storyline. We want ya'll to enjoy it, love it, feel it, just as we do. SO THANK YOU from the bottom of both of our hearts for sticking with the chaotic craziness of this fic.
We're finally getting to some meaty stuff and I hope and pray that you all see what's coming...or maybe not;)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to our beloved Beta, A Jasper For Me. She is a powerhouse and makes our fic so fabulous. She's been a welcome addition to our team and we wouldn't be near as proud of our work w/out her input. LOVE YOU B:)
Now...enjoy!
EPOV
I sit in another therapist's office at rehab number two and look around at all plaques on the wall. I wonder what I would have on the walls of my own office, if I had one.
Would I have gone on to college?
Would I have wedding photos of Bella and I?
Would I have accolades from the various companies I could have toured with over the years?
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed loudly.
How did our lives get so utterly fucked up? Hell, at this point I don't even know where Bella is.
Charlie moved away; I knew this for sure because I now owned her house, and God only knows where Renee had drug my Princess off too.
There was a knock on the door followed by it opening as Dr. Carmen poked her head in, "Ready?" she said with a small smile as I nodded at her.
She walked in, grabbed a notepad off her desk and sat down across from me.
"How are you today, Edward?" she asked while I fidgeted in my seat.
The urge to light a cigarette was overwhelming, "I'd be better if I could smoke." I answered her honestly and lay back on the sofa.
"Sorry, no smoking indoors, you know that." As she began to tap her pen on her tablet.
"I know, it just calms me." I rubbed my palms down the thigh of my jeans and sat forward with my elbows on my knees.
"What did you want to talk about today?" Dr. Carmen asked as she started to write something on her paper.
"Oh … well, isn't it kind of your job to tell me what to talk about?" I replied and ran my hand through my hair again.
She narrowed her eyes and smirked at me, "You know how this all works, Edward. Now, something caused you to panic today, so why don't you just start with that?"
She loved to goad me, she knew what worked and she used it.
"Regret," I answered simply.
She paused and waited for me to continue.
"I realized the ramifications of one single choice I made when I was sixteen."
Dr. Carmen gave me a flat smile and hesitated before she spoke, "So, explain the choice you made and how it led you to this realization."
I looked around the room, sighed and ran my hands down my face before I sat back, "I had a choice to play with the band or go to Europe with the symphony. I knew what Bella wanted me to do, but the lure of writing and playing my own music was a much bigger draw to me at that time. So, I chose to go a separate road from her in our careers. It basically destroyed us both."
"How do you think it destroyed you both?" she asked quickly.
"I started doing drugs, got lost on the road and was miserable the whole time because she wasn't a part of my life." I picked at a string on my jeans. "She became completely dependent on Renee and was living in the dance world twenty-four seven," I admitted and felt my own rage increase at the thought of Renee.
"You aren't responsible for Bella's path in life, Edward," Dr. Carmen said, as if I should just know that fact.
"See, that's where you're wrong. While I may not be directly responsible, I was her only outlet from the real world. Renee kept her completely sheltered and isolated. I was the only one that ever got to know the real Bella … my Princess." I glared at the good doctor and challenged her to deny that I was right.
"Edward, Bella had the choice to say no to her mother. She could have told her father. She could have gone to the authorities if she felt she was being abused." Her voice sounded cold when she spoke.
I balked, "You don't know anything about that relationship and exactly how fucked up it was. Bella could never have gone against Renee. The only time she ever did was in regards to me, when she wanted me in her life. And now, Renee has pulled us apart once again. I only hope Bella faired a lot better than I did. I hate to think of something happening her to." I felt my chest tighten and my breathing began to pick up as I thought about anything hurting my Princess.
"Tell me about the first time you went to rehab, why you ended up there and how you left." Dr. Carmen asked me this like we'd never discussed it, or at least discussed as much as I had been willing to discuss it at the time.
I blew out a breath.
Fuck.
I didn't want to think about it, much less talk about it, but I knew I had to or it would continue to drag me back under.
"Bella and I spent graduation night together. It was the first time either of us had sex. It solidified what we meant to one another. Then poof … we were apart on opposite ends of the earth, living separate lives. Her mother made sure we had no contact. I spiraled out of control, but not before I bought her childhood home." I drew in a deep breath and let my mind go back to that day Jasper drove me home.
I got out of the car in front of my parents' house, but couldn't take my eyes off the Swan's empty house. I wanted to crawl up the back of the house like I'd been doing for years and into Bella's bedroom window. I knew she wasn't there. I wasn't even sure if she would ever be there again.
I felt my chest tighten once again.
I needed a fix.
Soon.
"See you in a few days, okay bro?" Jasper called to me as he sat my bags on the grass beside my feet.
"Sure." I mumbled and suddenly heard my mother squeal on her front porch.
I tore my eyes from that house and watched as my mother cried and my father smiled at me.
I felt like shit.
They loved me and cared about me. Yet, all I had managed to do these past few years was hurt and disappoint them, time and time again.
Fuck.
Two days later I was in Bella's empty bedroom, all traces of her removed except for the indentions on the carpet of where her furniture once sat.
I hurt all over for her… so I pulled out the new stash I had purchased earlier in the day and sat in the middle of the floor to shoot up.
I felt the tears on my cheeks as I laid back and let the tar work its way through my system. Vivid memories of nights spent in this very spot replayed over and over in my mind.
Wiping Bella's tears when she was exhausted and in pain.
Kissing Bella's various bruises from a brutal practice.
Hearing Bella's quiet giggle when I told her some lame joke.
Holding my Princess in the dark and feeling her warmth surround me in her love.
Fuck.
I jumped up and started to pace around the room.
I punched a hole through the drywall.
I threw open the closet door and let my eyes scan for anything Bella left behind ... a forgotten hair pin, a misplaced item of clothing … anything that had a trace of her on it.
It wasn't until I stepped into the closet that I saw it.
A thin strip of black and white pictures we had taken in one of those crappy photo booths at some mall somewhere. It was taped to the wall just inside the door frame.
You had to actually stand in the closet to see it.
The pictures were taken when we were about ten or eleven years old. Even then you could see our love for one another.
One snapshot we had our arms around each other's shoulders and were smiling.
One snapshot had us making funny faces at the camera.
One snapshot had us with our heads in various positions of laughter.
Then the last shot … the telltale shot.
There it was.
Us.
Love.
Our foreheads touching, our eyes only on each other, in our own little world.
Fuck.
I screamed out her name into the silent air of the vacant house.
I kicked at anything my feet could reach.
I screamed and cursed Renee Swan for existing.
I pummeled the wall until my knuckles were bloody and throbbing.
When my tantrum was over, I tore the strip of pictures off the wall and sat back down on the carpet. I filled another syringe and shot up again. I repeated this action over and over again.
I vaguely remember my mother screaming my name and crying.
I remember hearing my father yelling at someone to hurry up.
The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital room where I faced my parents who seemed to have aged well beyond their years in a few short moments.
A week later, I was in rehab for the first time.
I closed my eyes and let the tears flow as I relayed this story to Dr. Carmen.
"I almost killed my parents," I whispered as I cringed inside for the hurt I've continued to cause Elizabeth and Ed, Sr. They deserved better than a son like me.
"You almost killed yourself." I heard her voice quietly bring me back to the present.
I opened and wiped my eyes, "I did. At that point, I truly wanted to die from the pain of losing my Princess."
That was the first time I'd ever admitted that to anyone. It hurt like a mother fucker to say, too.
"But, it didn't stop you from realizing your mistake, did it?" Her eyes held mine as she pushed me to continue.
"No. Bella called me. She needed me. She sounded so broken." I said and twirled my pack of cigarettes around in my hands. As strange as it sounded, just the action of holding the cigarettes soothed me.
"But what if you'd been dead, Edward? Don't you see how reckless you are with your life? If you claim to love her so much, how do you think your death would have affected hers in that moment?" I closed my eyes, unable to look at her for fear of what I think would have happened.
"Fuck, I don't know. I've always been there for her. I'll always be there when she needs me. That won't ever change." I adamantly admitted.
"So you just left rehab after fifteen days, only three weeks after a near fatal overdose on heroin to go and rescue Bella?" The way she said it, made it sound like it was the stupidest decision I'd ever made, and that just pissed me off.
I slammed my hand down on the couch beside me, "She needed me."
"Why?" Was all she asked.
I rubbed my chest and closed my eyes before I whispered, "I don't know."
Fuck.
I still don't know why my Princess was so upset, so desperate, so needy. And, it pissed me off even further; at myself, at Renee, at the motherfucking record company for demanding I come to rehab again.
"So you checked yourself out of rehab, flew from Seattle to New York to help her for no particular reason, that you know of?" Once again, she pushed me to the point where I felt deep-seated anger begin to nudge at the corners of my mind.
"She had her reasons. We just never got around to discussing them before that bitch of a mother kidnapped her," I said through gritted teeth and fought to keep the tears threatening to spill from my bloodshot eyes.
"So, if you don't know her reasons for needing you, did the two of you not talk the entire time you spent together?" I felt like my chest was being ripped in two as I let the hurt of Bella's abandonment all over again.
"We talked. We talked a lot, actually. But, she asked for us to just be 'us' for a little while. I was still detoxing, and she was in agony. We left it at that ... neither of us wanted to confess our demons. We spent our time together in our own little happy bubble, like our lives should be spent." I spoke the words and let the anguish and resentment wash over me.
"You went out for breakfast and came back to an empty hotel room?" Dr. Carmen had a way to pull me from that dark corner of my mind back into the present with just a few words.
"No, it wasn't empty. Some asshole security guard was there and told me if I tried to contact Bella they would have me arrested for stalking her," I bitterly spat at Dr. Carmen.
"But, here you are now … how did that happen?" She scribbled something on her notepad, and I grabbed the bottle of water off the table in front of me.
"I spent a few days getting fucked up, just like the first time." I snapped.
She tsk'd at me and looked at the clock, "Time's up for today. Good job, Edward. You seem to be making progress."
I didn't feel like I was making any fucking progress.
Without Bella in my life, there was never any real progression, at least not in my mind.
My life wouldn't start until she was in it every day.
Six Months Later
Life on the road sucked ass ... like big, fat man's hairy ass.
I'm tired of sleeping in this bus. I'm tired of seeing the faces of the assholes I travel with.
I'm just fucking tired.
I don't want to play music anymore, at least not with these guys. The same old songs, the same damn gig, night after night.
I'm just fucking tired of my life.
My parents begged me to come home after I got out of rehab the second time. But being in that town, in that house, and around them. I just couldn't do it. It all reminded me of her.
Her face.
Her smell.
Her love.
Fuck, I missed her.
When we were together those three night in New York, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I didn't need drugs or booze. I had Bella. Then that bitch, Renee, had to fuck it all up. She tore Bella away from me, again. She hid her away and wouldn't let her call me or see me.
So, I went on a binge. I blew ten grand in three days before my dad finally showed up and pulled the needle out of my arm.
I probably would have died that night without his intervention, I was so fucking high.
I still shoot up, just not as much or as often. I'd like to walk the hell away from it all but when the demons invade my mind and the ache for Bella gets too strong, I have to push them away somehow ... tar is the only way to do that.
No matter that my parents thought I had six months sobriety under my belt. They weren't here when the pain got to be too much or the need to flee took a hold of me.
A little hit now and then wouldn't hurt, right?
Fuck, I miss her.
"Get your ass out of bed, Masen." One of the guys yelled through the door of the bus at me.
"Fuck off." I yelled back. I'm in no mood for their shit today, and I'm certainly not ready to perform.
Just as I contemplated lighting up a joint, the little curtain along my bed opened and some dirty blond with too much make up and tits that hung out of her top, looked me up and down with a large smile plastered across her fake-assed face.
"Need some help getting up, Eddie?" Her breath reeked of pot and stale beer.
"Fuck no! Get the hell out of here, you skanky fucking bitch!" I screamed and pulled the curtain closed again.
Fuck. I needed to get high and was all outta smack.
"Jasper!" I yell.
"Yeah?" He grunted back from across the aisle where his bunk was.
"Come here." I demanded.
"Fuck off, I'm getting my nuts waxed." He grunted, again.
He probably had that little tiny bitch in there sucking him off. Figures, he's had her on the road with us for a few weeks now. I'm sick of seeing her face and hearing her voice. She always tried to tell me I needed to get over myself.
What the fuck did she or anyone else for that matter, know about my life? Not a god damn thing, that's what.
I pulled out my composition book and sat up in the bed, well as much as I could since I was in a small bunk on the bus. I hated this fucking bus.
"We're staying in a fucking motel tonight." I yelled.
The guys only replies were 'yeahs' and 'whatever' ... fuck them all.
I opened the book and a picture fell out from between the pages. It was a picture of Bella in full dance uniform as she performed when we were sixteen.
God, she was so fucking beautiful. I loved to watch her dance as I sat behind the piano. To gaze upon the graceful lines of her little body. The way her face held the emotion of the music as she her body enacted the motions to match. It always made my dick hard to just watch her.
It made my heart ache to hold her in my arms again.
I had no fucking clue where she even was nowadays. She was probably over in Europe to perform some Masterpiece show that's all the rage for a bunch of stuffed shirt assholes that thought they were more important than the rest of the motherfucking world.
I never imagined this was how our lives would end up. We should be together, living in happiness. It's all we had talked about when we were younger. We'd have a house in the suburbs, maybe a kid or two. I'd teach music somewhere while she had her own dance studio ... it was our dream.
Fuck dreams. Look what believing in a dream got me … that's right ... jack fucking shit!
"Masen, get your motherfucking ass out of that bed and get dressed. We'll be at the venue in less than twenty minutes." I heard Peter scream at me from outside the curtain that covered my bunk.
Fuck.
"Peter?" I called.
"Yeah?" He answered, his tone was a littler calmer as he spoke to me this time.
"Come here." I said as I tried to withhold the desperation in my voice.
He pulled back the curtain by my head. "What do you need?" He asked with a wicked grin. It was useless of him to ask. He already knew; he could tell by the inflection in my voice exactly what I wanted or needed; he knew how much and how quickly I needed it. He was a smart fucker and kept me supplied without any problems, he was my favorite for that reason.
"I need a hit, like now." I said and watched as he pulled a little baggie from his pocket.
"Just one," He cut his eyes at me and waited until I nodded at him before he handed me the bag. "I need you on point tonight. The record producers for our next album will be in the audience, so give 'em a great show." He said as he handed me the baggie and a fresh needle.
"Fuck off." I said and pulled the curtain closed.
I got all my little tools out and prepared my hit after tying up my arm.
Once that needle hit my vein, I laid back and let the drugs take over.
No more dreams.
No more hurt.
No more Bella.
I was lost in the sea of lights and movement ... soft whispers and hard pushes ... echoes of praise and numbed limbs.
In this swell of ecstasy, it was easy for me to remember the moments of happiness in my life without the burden of the pain or regret, there were no aches of longing. I rode this tide of high with Bella beside me, under me, and within me ... I heard her as she called out my name as she came for the first time.
I laid there until Peter forced me to my feet, helped me get dressed and poured a glass of whiskey down my throat.
"Show time, Eddie." He said with a smirk as he pushed me out the door of the bus.
Fuck, there were too many bright lights and screaming chicks.
Jasper pulled me along with him as we made our way into the building.
There was a girl ... she stood by the door. She had long brown hair and these sad doe eyes. I had to look several times to make sure, because fuck, she certainly made me think Bella had mysteriously appeared before me. I needed something to bring me back up and make me forget again, anything that would make me want to be here right now and not on some plane headed across the ocean to get Bella and bring her home with me.
I grabbed at the first thing I could reach, and when Jasper turned to look at me I began to explain. "Jazz, I need another hit," I said into his ear as we walked down the hallway. He looked me over.
"No man, you've had enough." He said with a scowl as he took in my appearance.
"Fuck, man. You don't know when I've had enough ... you don't even tell me shit about it. I tell you when. Now, give me another fucking hit." I all but screamed.
"Shut the fuck up, dude. Wait 'til we get to the dressing room, okay?" He angrily replied as he grabbed my arm, so he could force me to move with him.
Fuck, I thought as my brain came out of its fog and drifted towards clarity.
I felt my surroundings and realized I was in a bed ... somewhere.
My head pounded. My eyes felt like they were glued together, and my mouth tasted like ass as I tried my hardest to figure out where the hell I was.
"Edward? Son, open your eyes." I heard the crystal clear voice of my father.
Fuck. How long was I out?
"Edward, please?" This new voice told me my mother was here too.
"Where am I?" I asked as I was finally able to open my eyes a sliver. Just a sliver was all I could manage because the lights were way too fucking bright for someone in my condition. My father gave a slight chuckle, and I heard a slap immediately follow it. I must have said that last part out loud to my father's amusement.
"Well, I'm glad your sense of humor is fine, but you are not. You are in the hospital, son. You almost died ... again." I heard the disappointment and concern loud and clear in my mother's voice.
I opened my eyes all the way in order to take in the stark white glare of the room I was in as my parent's silhouettes came into focus.
"What the fuck happened?" I asked as my mother handed me a glass of water.
"What always happens, Edward? You got high, and apparently kept getting high." She set the glass back down on the side table and turned back to face me. "You collapsed on stage, and they brought you here," her voice was chocked full of contempt when she spat the word they. "They called us and then all ran off to leave you to fend for yourself ... once again." My dad's sad sigh hurt my heart. I had disappointed the two people who cared the most about me in this world, yet again.
"I'm sorry, mom and dad." I said honestly, because I really did mean it.
"Please, Edward. Please will you get some help now, son?" My mom asked as her tears started to fall.
Fuck.
"Are you having chest pain?" My dad asked.
I vaguely recalled the last time someone asked that question years ago. I looked down to once again find my hand rubbing a circle over my heart.
Damn.
"I miss Bella." I said softly and heard my parents' very audible gasps.
A/N: I must say that I am IN LOVE with Rockerward again...I never really fell out of love w/ him but dayum...he's hard to handle sometimes...
I must also state that I am in LOVE with my partner, Bnjwl. She is my rock, my sister, my angel. I simply cannot say enough about all the hard work, love, dedication and appreciation that she puts into this fic. She holds me up and keeps me above water. I love you, BB...so damn much.
See ya'll Thursday;)
Kyla
