Chapter 12B

From the desk of Bnjwl:

We can't say thank you enough to all the people that read, review or help make this fic happen! It is so good to hear the last few chapters of reviews, glad to know that you all are liking the chapters just as much as we like to write them! I'm tired tonight so sorry if I forgot to say anything important to anyone important! Please forgive me : )

I sat in Edward's lap and watched as he exploded. He was furious and I understood, but at the same time, I didn't. I was incredibly angry with Renee for giving Riley to Carlisle and Esme but if she hadn't then how would I have found him. If she had contacted a lawyer and had the baby given away to a random couple, who's to say that we would have been able to make contact again? As much as I wanted to hate her, I had to be eternally grateful. It was like she knew one day she would be gone from here and wanted to make things right after she did leave me.

Before I realized what was happening Edward pulled me up off of the couch and reached for our discarded coats. I didn't have to ask where we were heading, I already knew. Carlisle and Esme's. I began to sob.

When we were firmly ensconced in a cab and Edward had barked out the address to the driver, he pulled me closer and began to soothe me. I had no idea what he thought the tears represented but he spoke phrases like, 'it's going to be okay, I will make it okay for us,' and 'we'll get him back'. Edward held me close the entire ride to their house.

I won't lie, I was afraid. Afraid that Edward would lose his cool and do something wrong, afraid that we would scare Carlisle and Esme away and they wouldn't let us see Riley ever again. I was just afraid for all sorts of reasons.

My head hurt, my throat was dry, my eyes felt like sandpaper, my heart raced, my pulse pounded and I searched frantically for something, anything to get me out of here. I reached for Edward's shirt and clenched it in my hand. I felt my nails still bite through the fabric and pierce the skin of my palms. I focused on the pain.

Edward's strong arms stayed wrapped around me but I felt his body shake with tears of his own. I wanted to be strong enough to comfort him but I just couldn't. I felt guilty. I was the one that had years to deal with Riley's loss. And even a few months to deal with the fact that he was alive and well now. I should be the one that was strong. The one that set up the meeting, asked all the questions, got all the answers…but I fucking couldn't.

I couldn't because it was too hard to focus on my own breathing, to rationalize that we were all going to be in the same room at once. For the first time ever. I wasn't sure if time was racing by or slowing down but all I felt was the pit of my stomach swarming with uneasiness. My mind flashed through memories of Edward and I at various times from the past then fast forwarded to Renee pulling me from the pool house or the hotel room after I'd spent the night with Edward.

I was extremely fearful. If something happened to ruin our relationship with the Cullen's or if Edward decided to leave me, I had nothing. I'd have no one. The fear of now being alone with no Riley, no Edward … it took my breathe away.

Dark spots swam before my eyes and my chest ached with the speed in which I breathed. I tried to remember the breathing techniques the doctor's had taught me. I knew what needed to be done but it just seemed so damned stupid right now. I needed something real, something strong, in fact an Ativan would work right now to be honest. Something to calm me down. Anything to make it all go away.

I felt the bile rise up in my throat and longed to jump from the cab and let it all go. I knew that the feeling of emptying my stomach would make me feel in control, it would set it all right for a little while. But I knew this was bigger than a simple finger in the throat could handle. This was huge.

Edward threw some money to the driver and pulled me along with him as we exited the cab. Part of me focused on the fact that Edward did not know their address and another part of my brain was yelling how absurd it was that I focused on the address issues. He was a doctor so I guess it might be easy to just Google him. Who the hell knows, all I knew right this moment was we stood, pounding on the front door at almost six in the morning

A light flickers on and almost immediately Carlisle answers the door. He stands in his matching pajamas, with his slippers on and a newspaper in his hand. He looked like Ward Cleaver from the 50's. I almost laughed out loud at his perfectness even at this time of the night. How could we compete with that? How could we raise a child looking like we did when he already had parents that looked like they did? Esme made her way down the stairs, she matched Carlisle in her perfection. She wore a pair of emerald green silk pajamas, a matching pair if feathered mules and a cream bathrobe. Her face was clean of make-up and her hair was brushed smooth.

These were normal, everyday people. People that both of us had always loved and adored, but now they stood between us and piece of our very souls.

Our son.

He was now their son.

I was torn. I wanted our life, our baby with Edward. I knew he was right to want that as well. And yet…I didn't. I knew that Carlisle and Esme deserved to keep him and raise him as he is used to.

Before I could process another thought, Edward reached forward and grabbed Carlisle by the collar of his perfect pajamas. "Why the fuck would either of you do that to us? You knew, you had to know! Yet you kept him, you took him away from us. You are as guilty as fucking Renee was I hope you're happy with yourselves." He shook Carlisle with each word to punctuate them.

Esme gasped and moved towards the altercation but Carlisle's hand is held beside his left thigh and he stops her. She stops dead in her tracks. Carlisle gave a small curt shake of his head. He gave no sign that he would fight Edward but it was plain that he did not want Esme anywhere close to him right now.

"Answer me God damn it! Why…why…I just need to know why you would do this to her." He let go of Carlisle and gestured to me. "Why would you put her through years of pain, first to think that our baby was dead, he was just gone and then to find out he was alive and fine. That all these years you had him and could have ended our torture. Why?" Edward screamed. Esme flinched and stepped forward again but Carlisle's hand once again stopped her.

"Those years of pain and suffering all lay in your hands, can you live with that? Is that okay with you? I can't believe this from you both." Edward turned to look at Esme over his shoulder. I could feel her body stiffen from several feet away from her. I noticed that she cried quiet rivers of tears as Edward spoke. "She lived through therapy, through years of medication…all just to get through the pain of this one event. The one thing you all could have taken away from her. You could have made it better for her but you just…didn't. I need answers, NOW!" Edward slammed Carlisle against the wall in his anger. Esme and I both clinched again.

This must have been the final straw for Carlisle because he reached up and pushed Edward's hands off of his shirt and pushed him a few steps away so that he could speak. "Why, you want to know why?" He shrugged and straightened his pajama shirt back into his unmessed with perfection. "You say the blame lays on us? Well, how about this. We did what we thought was best at the time. We took a child that was offered to us." He held out his hand and Esme was immediately by his side. I was struck by their strength together. "Was that selfish? Fuck yes it was, pretty damned selfish, but you tell me this is Bella wanted a child with all that she had, really wanted one and it was impossible for her to conceive one, would you move heaven and earth to get her one?" Edward flinched because Carlisle struck a nerve, I could see it. He pulled out the on excuse that Edward could not argue with. "Well, I did the same for the love of my life. I took advantage of an opportunity. Did we question where this baby came from? Nope, we sure as hell didn't. We didn't have to, we knew." I gasped and Carlisle met my eyes with his own cold blue eyes. He held my gaze as he spoke the next few sentences. "We both knew but at the time it seemed like the best option for this sweet boy. Edward, you were so fucked up each and every day that you didn't know you own name most times. Bella, you were off in Europe dancing. Renee convinced us that you hated Edward and didn't want him or anything else to do with him. It wasn't hard to buy when the tabloids presented him in less than a desirable light." I stepped forward and touched the small of Edward's back. I needed his strength to hear this. I needed to provide him mine if I could. "So we took our family member, this innocent child and we loved him. We raised him and we did a damned fine job." He looked at Esme and she gave an almost imperceptible nod to him. His eyes flashed from Edward's to mine and back to Edward's again. "You two weren't in the shape to do it, neither of you. I know it hurts to hear that, it hurts me to say it but it's the truth. We agonized over this, believe me we have but we saw no other choice. If we said no then the lawyer already had another couple lined up. We were afraid to turn him down, we wanted to do the right thing but we were afraid to let him go to strangers. People we didn't know, people who might not love him and care for him the way we did. So, yeah, we did it. We kept him." Carlisle hugged Esme and wiped a few tears away from her face.

Edward's cold as steel voice asked the one question I had been way too afraid to ask but wanted to know all along. "Were you ever planning to tell us? Ever?"

"Yes, I know you'll find that hard to believe but we did. But only on one condition…each of you were in a healthy spot in your lives. We kept in touch with both of you through other channels. We knew what happened, we knew about Bella's almost break down, we knew about your drug use and rehab. Each and every time, Edward, we prayed it was the last time. We prayed that it would work this time so that we could tell you, give you something healthy and productive to live for. But it was never the right time because above all else we refused to put Riley into a dangerous or harmful situation."

"Everything we did was for him and with you in mind, we swear it. Edward, I've loved you like you were my own child, you know this, I would never intentionally harm you, ever. We really thought we were doing the right thing," Esme pleaded.

Edward snapped. He threw my arm off of him and launched himself towards Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle realized his intentions and pushed him back at the same time he attacked. Edward slammed into the large table in the foyer and knocked off the vase of flowers there. The table crashed down and Edward spilled all across the hardwood floor. Carlisle jumped and moved towards him at the exact time he hit the floor. Esme gasped and moved behind Carlisle. Edward floundered around trying his best to get up, nothing seemed to work exactly right. He had a large cut over his right eye and his hand bleed some. It must have been the glass from the vase that inficted those wounds on him. I didn't matter, he was hurt, Carlisle and Esme were crying, screaming and I worried that it would wake up Riley at any moment.

I began to shout and scream along with them. I felt guilty for it all, if I had stood up to Renee just once, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we would have spent our lives together and not fractured as broken people who craved each other more than air.

My chest heaved.

My hands gripped into each other, the sore skin of my palms broken open again.

My muscles hurt they are clenched so tightly.

The black spots are back as I scream and cry.

I let it all out, I let out all the pain.

The denials from Renee.

The defeat when I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried.

The weight and snickers I heard each day when I showed up for practice.

The looks of disappointment.

The longing for Edward.

The fear he was gone.

The anguish when I thought he was with someone else, someone normal.

The ache of empty arms after Riley was gone.

The flat, uneventful life I lived.

I screamed for it all.

I screamed until my throat was sore and I saw spots.

My heart raced and my eyes went dark.

I felt my muscles give way and I knew I was on my way down. I was passing out.

Esme screamed and Edward caught me, I opened my eyes and saw his beautiful crooked grin once more before I succumbed to the darkness.

I left the pain and grief behind like I had for all those years. I locked it away and never dealt with it. I moved on like it hadn't happened and I did that once again, even if it was only a temporary solution.

I just gave in!

I floated in a sea of white. I felt weightless, happy, content.

I looked around me and saw Edward and Riley, dressed in white suits, both had blinding smiles on their faces.

I never wanted to leave this space.

I never wanted to feel that heaviness again.

I wanted our perfect lives back; the ones that we had created inside the bubble of young love.

No drugs.

No disappointment.

No separation.

Bliss … I wanted to be on pointe with Edward at the piano as Riley clapped and cheered us both on.

That's where I wanted to be.

The only place I wanted to be.

A/N: So...Bella's in a bad place...and wtf just happened with E?

Oy...NEVER FEAR...hold on...just HOLD. ON.

see ya Monday!

Love ya, Kyla & Bev