The Heartbreak
I took a last look around the room, checking I had everything I needed before zipping up Trey's old hoodie and flipping the hood up. I hit the lights and closed the door quietly behind me, I rearranged the my school bag on my should and walked through the yard and out of the gate. I kept my head down and made it all the way down to the end of the yard before I heard my name.
I closed my eyes to the world before turning round and facing Sandy.
"2:33 in the morning, not bad," he nodded at me as he made his way towards me, "Kirsten thought you'd wait a little later before you ran away." His arm was around my shoulder and he was steering me back towards the house. "You wanted to be a Cohen that means staying put when things get rough." I looked up at him. "It wasn't your fault." He told me quietly as walked with me back through the gate into the back yard. "Now at least pretend to sleep." I opened my mouth but Sandy cut me off. "The guard would have stopped you at the gate anyway."
I simply nodded back at him and went back in through my bedroom door. I dropped my school bagged filled with clothes where I stood and dropped myself down on my bed and went back to staring at the ceiling.
I couldn't sleep cause every time I closed my eyes I saw her sitting on the sofa crying in her ball gown with a gun pointed at her.
I walked into the kitchen, still wearing the clothes from the night before and headed straight to the coffee pot.
"How you doing, kid?" Sandy asked me, passing me a mug.
"Coffee." I told him simply. "Coffee."
"Its caveman Alex." Seth nodded at me, though he quickly stopped when his mother hit him gently round the back of the head.
"That good, huh?" Sandy smiled at me half heartily as I practically downed the cup I had just poured trying find something that would fill me with life.
"Well you're about to be great," Kirsten smiled at me, holding up a bow and arrow, "because tomorrow is the big Valentines Day singles gala-" I put my coffee cup down and walked back out to my room.
I scooped up my school back from its place by the door and dumped the clothes within it on my bed before going round my room finding the books I needed for school. I looked up when I heard a tentative knock at my door.
"That was pretty much the least tactful thing I could have said."
"Could have throw in a gun reference." I smiled glumly at Kirsten. "I haven't heard from Marissa since…" I trailed off. I didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"Its not your fault." She told me quietly.
"People keep telling me that. The one person I need to hear it from won't even answer my calls or text me back."
"Well, it's a holiday," Kirsten smiled at me, "big party, you guys are gonna dress up, everyone's going to be there…" she trailed off when she realised what she'd said. "Just like normal." I looked up at her properly since the first time she'd entered my room. "I'm gonna go…"
"So its Valentines Day." Seth nodded glumly at me as we stepped out of Sandy's car and started our way towards the main building.
"Yup, now we're not only meant to be happy but in a couple and happy otherwise Hallmark will get us! Good times."
"Still not speaking to you?"
"No. But given the circumstances…" I trailed off once more. "But hey," I smiled at him, "we have a Valentines singles gala."
"And you thought this week would suck." He smiled back at me.
"Hold that thought." I told him as I spotted Marissa across the yard and ran over towards her. "Hey."
"Hey." She nodded back at me. I stepped across her and opened the door for her. "Thanks."
"How'd you sleep?"
"I didn't." she told me. "And by the looks of you, you didn't either." I merely shrugged as I followed her to her locker. "Look," she quickly spun round. "I didn't pick up your calls or text you back cause I don't want to talk about it." I opened my mouth but she cut me off before I had even started. "You making puppy dog eyes at me, and asking me how I'm doing isn't going to make me feel better any quicker, just makes me feel guilty for not getting past it quicker." She sighed as she opened her locker. "Just… Time… and space." Marissa told me, looking at me for the first time since I'd run over to her. "You're wearing Trey's hoddie, you ran away. That's mature."
"I'm so-"
"Don't you dare apologise to me." She snapped quickly at me, slamming her locker shut without having removed any books and storming off.
"That looked brutal." Seth sighed in my ear having joined me simply standing there watching Marissa down the hallway.
"Marissa and I are fighting," I sighed back at him, "it must be the holidays."
I sat and waited for Anna in homeroom and when she didn't turn up I turned up late to my first class having been forced to buy my own coffee.
"Atwood you're late." Bendis smiled at me.
"Cohen." I smiled back at him, sipping from my coffee. "I'm a Cohen now." He simply pointed to the 'No food or drinks' sign he had tacked in his classroom and took my coffee from me.
I rolled my eyes and looked round for a place to sit, I looked at my usual seat but found it occupied by Luke who was deep in conversation with Marissa. So I simply sat with the water polo players and prayed the hour would go fast.
"Hey Summer," I called across the busy corridor as I pushed through the crowd off people.
"Hey." She smiled at me. "You going to this singles gala thingy?"
"Yeah, Kirsten is making us have a normal holiday."
"Well its for the hospital Dad works at so I'll be there too."
"Cool. Just one small question-"
"Marissa has instructed me to answer all comments with a simple 'Don't appologise.'" She smiled glumly at me as she fumbled with the padlock on her locker.
"Wow, this wasn't going to be about Marissa but that helped." I shook my head quickly. "I just wanted to know where Anna is."
"She's in Pittsburgh, visiting her Aunt and Uncle."
"She left you along for Valentines?" I frowned at her.
"Don't get me started." She pointed at me. "And don't you dare tell Seth." I drew a line across my lips and then two across my heart. "Good, now I've got to go get Coop some caffeine, she's in the library studying… You can tell you two are fighting she's working." She sighed.
"You know I could get it." I offered, trying to act nonchalantly.
"One non fat, half and half, tall Cappuccino." I smiled proudly at Marissa as I put the coffee down besides her.
"I told Summer to get me a latte." She sighed, moving the drink off her papers. "What you want a cookie?" she asked me after looking up and finding me still smiling at her. "You got me a coffee not the winning lottery numbers."
"I want you to stop watching House." I mumbled back at her.
"Go away, I have a French paper due." She turned her attention back to the papers in front of her, one hand flicking though an English to French dictionary whilst she sipped from her coffee.
"You know-"
"Don't." she pointed at me, not looking up from the dictionary so I simply walked away.
The house was quiet. Seth and I sat playing video games, neither of us talking, both of us thinking about girls. Kirsten banged about in the kitchen, clearly in a rage with Sandy about something as every time he spoke she cut him off, just as Marissa had me.
However much Sandy tried to goad conversation out of us all, nothing much was said until I accidentally let slip that Anna had gone back East at which point Seth started smiling and making jokes along with his father.
"Oh god," Kirsten leaned over the table and whispered into my ear, "they're happy."
"This does not bode well for us."
"How's everything with you and Marissa?" Luke asked me as we moved furniture around at the club house, Kirsten having roped us all into helping set up. "Is she coming to the party tonight?"
"Why are you asking me, you're the one she talks to."
"Don't look at me like that, man." He sighed at me. "Nothings going on."
"Then why she call you?" I asked him, dumping the table we were moving and walking round it so I was merely inches from his face. As tall as I tried to make myself I still found that it was him staring me down rather than vice versa.
He smiled at me and leant down so he could whisper in my ear: "You keep telling people you've changed, why don't you act like it. Use your head, she called me cause I was the only one that listened to her about Oliver. She left me for you, don't forget that now you've changed." He lifted his head once more and smiled at me properly, patting my shoulder like he actually cared about me. "The sooner you realise that it's never gonna go back to the way it was… the sooner you can move on."
"That's where you're wrong." I pointed at him, before dropping it all not in the mood for confrontation and simply smiled at him. "Old Alex would already be fucking another girl by now. New Alex, is in love."
"New Alex is a fool."
"A fool in love, and love is on my side; otherwise there wouldn't be nearly so many songs about it." I smiled at him.
"You have been spending far too much time with Cohen." Luke smiled back at me. "So w-what about Marisssa's mom, do you think she's coming to this thing?"
"Julie and I tend to stay out of each others' way." I told him.
"I was just trying to get a head count for the event." He held his hands up defensively.
"You've got odder." I told him.
"Everybody's changing." He shrugged, picking up the small table by himself and walking it across the room.
"And I don't feel the same." I whispered after him, turning round to find something else to lift. However, I found myself face to, well, tray with one of the caterers.
"Keane." The girl told me, dropping her tray to reveal her face. "You are the only one in America obsessed by British indie music, you know that right?"
"You're the only one in America who followed my obsession." I smiled at Theresa. "What are you doing here?"
"I figured what better way to celebrate Valentines Day then serve pâté to a bunch of rich people." I simply bit my lip. "Oh, these are your friends an neighbours, sorry." She looked sheepishly at me.
"Some are even my family now, pull back my collar you'll find Cohen written on the label."
"You're Jewish now?" She frowned at me.
"Well, half." I shrugged, taking the tray from her and setting it down on a near by table. "I don't suppose I can bum a cigarette?"
We sat outside the club on the steps, slowly chain smoking our way through the remains of her twenty pack. The Hispanic servant and the outcast from the community, sitting talking as members past us.
I filled her in on everything I should have told her at Thanksgiving and then I told her the rest. I explained about the car, the thief, the jump-suit and the lawyer. I explained about the mansion, the brother, the mother and the father. I explained about the kids, the fire and the school. And finally I told her about how I had betrayed the only girl I had ever called my girlfriend by refusing to let everything change me.
As I spoke to her I realised how I had thrown every opportunity away by simply going through the motions. Though I was talking more, about real things rather than just jokes and sarcasm, I wasn't listening in return. Though I was wearing clothes with labels, going to a school that promised college rather than the military, surrounded by kids with a future rather than those with jail time ahead of them… I hadn't changed at all. I had said the right things, made the right steps but crucially, where it mattered I was the same hoodie wearing ex con.
"So now he's in the hospital, he could be there a while." I told her, flicking another cigarette butt into the gravel of car park.
"Wow, that's unbelievable, no wonder she's so pissed off." Theresa nodded besides me, I simply looked at her vacantly. "I'd be," she shrugged, "you treated him the same way you treat everyone else you don't want to deal with, but completely shutting them out or brushing them off. She ended up with a gun in her face because your actions."
"Thanks, that really helps."
"Sorry," she looked sheepishly at me, "it's none of my busine-" she cut herself off as a shadow fell over us.
"Its really not." Marissa told her, arms folded across her chest. "You don't run away so you bring Chino here?" she frowned at me.
"Hi Marissa," Theresa stood up and held out her hand towards her, "Theresa, Thanksgiving we-"
"I remember."
"I'm helping cater the event." She pointed back into the club house.
"You don't know what happened." Marissa said simply. "Don't act like you do."
"She was on your side." I told her, standing up.
"Like you were meant to be?" Marissa asked me, walking through us and into the building.
"Leave her." Theresa suggested, pulling me back down the steps. "Give her ti-"
"Time, space. I know." I spat at her shrugging her off me.
"And why not?" Theresa spat back at me. "She doesn't go to Hills, she doesn't live in the neighbourhood we grew up in, she doesn't have family locked up. She's never seen a gun before. This is new ground for her, for all she knows she could have been shot because you wouldn't take the time to listen."
I found myself sitting back down on the steps. It seemed so obvious when it was spelt out to me.
I came out of the en suit and found Seth sitting in one of my chairs, dressed and ready to head out.
"You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated."
"You know when you're quoting Spike, I cut you off Buffy." I told him, going through my clothes trying to find something to wear. "What are you doing in here anyway?"
"One day when I'm reflecting back on my life I think I'm gonna remember these chats before the big events as my favourite times." I looked over at him. "Okay so chat would be an overstatement given that I'm always the one talking…"
"What you want to talk about?" I asked him, holding up different tops in front of my body as I examined myself in the full length mirror.
"Its Valantine's night, she's alone, abandoned and feeling vulnerable."
"She doesn't want to talk to me." I told him, picking out a T-shirt to wear under my waistcoat.
"Summer's not speaking to you?" I turned round and faced him.
"No Marissa's not speaking to me. Who are you talking about?"
"Summer."
"Oh," I nodded at him, "about that, Anna text me told me to keep you two separate at all times."
"Anna doesn't trust Summer? Interesting." Seth mused in the corner.
"No, Anna's jealous of you." I corrected him, going into my en suit and dressing out of view of Seth. "You have a part of Summer that Anna can never touch. She ran to you when she was insecure about her sexuality, lost her virginity with you, you weren't the only one that was surprised Summer picked Anna." I called out to him.
"I've really lost Anna as my friend haven't I?" He called back to me.
"Only if you make it that way." I told him stepping out, flinging my towel across my room and into my laundry bin. "How'd I look?"
"As you always do," Seth shrugged, "you're in a waistcoat and T-shirt."
"Big help." I nodded at him, crossing my room and quickly fiddling with my hair. "As soon as you realise that things can never go back to the way they were…" I trailed off, horrified that I was not only taking Luke's advice but furthermore churning it back as my own. "Embrace the friend."
"Embrace the friend…?" he sighed as he watched me put my hair up into a quiff.
Seth and I spent the party talking about girls, me sending stolen glances to Marissa whilst asking him his advice, him looking longingly at Summer asking me what he should do about Anna. We stood there locked in conversation, steeped in awkwardness as neither of us knew what the hell was going to happen afterwards.
"Hey, if I teach you guy's anything," Sandy sighed out to us don't ever get married.
"With the way things are going, Dad, how do you ever see that happening?" Seth asked him.
"Good point." He nodded at us before heading back into the party.
"So what are we going to do about our opponents?" Seth asked me once his father was out of earshot.
"If life here has taught me nothing," I told him, looking up at the girls looking down at us from the upper level, "we have two ways of doing this. We either work with time and space and hope wounds will heal or we ignore personal boundaries and power through."
"Well I'm going to have to power through this one," Seth sighed, "what do you think Marissa is going to choose?"
"Well she says she wants time and space-"
"Meaning she wants it." Theresa joined us offering us a plateful of food. "Want some of this, uh, actually I have no idea what this is."
"Odds are mushroom leek crescent, crab an brie phyllo." Seth told her. "It usually is."
"Seth this is my friend Theresa." I rolled my eyes at the pair of them.
"Theresa from Chino, Theresa? Pepermint Patty?" Seth smiled at me whilst shaking her hand.
"You told him about your more musical days?" Her eyebrow was raised as she said that, I simply glared back at her. "I'm gunna go…"
"So that's the girl that cheated on you?" Seth asked me, I simply glared back at him. "I'm gunna go with her…"
"Can we just," I shrugged at my girlfriend sitting alone at a table, glass of wine in her hand, "start over?"
"Start over?" she frowned at me as she sipped from the glass.
"Hey," I smiled at her holding out my hand, "I'm Alex, you know my brother Seth right?"
"I know what your trying to do and… I cant." She told me, tipping back her head and downing the wine, looking round the room. "I'm sorry." She told me walking away.
I slumped down into her vacated seat, everybody just kept walking away. Nobody seemingly knowing how to deal with me, how to talk to me. Though as I sat in that crowded room, surrounded by people I realised I was the only one alone.
"Is it okay if I hang here?" Sandy asked me, sitting besides me.
"Only if you don't say 'hang'." I warned him, grabbing a glass of wine from one of the passing waiters.
"Valentines Day is wonderful isn't it?"
"Yeah, Hallmark breathing down our necks…"
"I said something similar to Kirsten," he smiled at me, "you really are my kid now aren't you?"
"And you really are stupid. You don't say shit like that to women. I leant that the hard way last year." I smiled back at him.
"So what are you doing this year?" He asked me.
"Trying to get my girlfriend to talk to me." I sighed at him.
"Really?" He shook his head and gave me a knowing smile that for the first time I didn't take to be patronising. "Seventeen years later, it doesn't get any easier."
I followed his eye line and found him watching Kirsten across the room.
"Flowers." I told him. "Girls like flowers."
I wasted five minutes looking for Theresa, then a further five minutes looking for Seth, Anna was the other side of the country consequently I had no one to sign off on my plan. Eventually I gave up looking for Summer and just hoped for the best.
I left just a single lily at her door, the note attached to it reading 'I dare you to love me.'
Show a writer you care; read and review. Thank you, Circus.
