"Excuse me, Ray…" Mary had interrupted Ray's thoughts. "Ben's awake."
Ray shot up off the floor like a rocket. "His memory… is it…" he couldn't bare to say the rest.
"I'm sorry. He hasn't regained anything more." Mary took hold of Ray's arm when began the slide down the wall again. "Perhaps seeing a familiar face will help jog his memory. Come along, I will go with you."
Mary gently led Ray to Fraser's room. The doctor had just left the room and stopped Ray before he could go in.
"Detective Vecchio, good morning." The doctor beamed cheerfully.
"Morning," Ray replied with no enthusiasm. A good morning would be one where Fraser woke up and remembered him. This doctor was too cheerful for Ray's liking. The nurse was one thing, but a cheerful doctor for some reason didn't sit well with Ray. Maybe Ray was just too agitated to allow someone to be in good spirits.
"Mr. Fraser is understandably confused this morning. I ask that you be patient with him. He will no doubt bombard you with many questions. Do you know of any family in Canada who may be able to help him remember?" The doctor asked.
"No, Ben's family is all gone." Ray explained sadly. "His friends are his family here in Chicago."
"Just remember to try and not force him to remember. Sometimes that has a negative effect. Give him time and space if he needs it. We have explained to him that he is in Chicago and he was in a car accident. He told us he doesn't know why he is here and that he lives in Canada. You must remember that you know everything about him, but for him, it will be like meeting you for the first time." The doctor explained.
Ray's face lit up. "I hugged Fraser the first time I met him." Ray let out a laugh and the doctor smiled at him.
"I'm sure Mr. Fraser will be in very capable hands for his recovery. Remember Ray, patience and time. Introduce him to things that should be familiar, but don't give him information overload on the first day. As for his injuries, I want to keep him for a couple more days and then he can go home. Is there someone that can help him once home since he has no family?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah… he will have help." Ray assured the doctor… 'Me'. Ray was suddenly nervous about seeing Fraser. "What do I do when I go in?"
The doctor didn't laugh this time but appeared to understand Ray's apprehension. "Introduce yourself. Explain what had happened as far as the accident and the rest will take care of itself. He's your friend so, you probably know just about everything there is to know about him. Just help fill in the blanks."
"Once I tell him stuff, will he remember it?" Ray asked.
"I'm not sure I understand. If you tell him today that your name is Ray… yes, tomorrow, he will remember, but only because you told him. Is that what you meant?" The doctor looked at Ray and Ray nodded. "Would you like me to go in with you?"
"It's really stupid but I'm suddenly afraid to see him." Ray wiped away a stray tear and Mary took hold of his arm again. "It's just that I care so much about him and it kills me to know that he can't remember who I am or everything we've been through."
"Come on Ray, let's get Ben reacquainted with you." The doctor nodded towards Fraser's door and began to open it. "Deep breath, Ray." So, maybe this doctor wasn't so bad after all.
The doctor led the way into the room and Fraser had his eyes closed. Upon hearing someone enter, he slowly opened his eyes and tried to focus them. With the cracked ribs and the immobilized shoulder, he couldn't turn very well to see who had entered.
"Mr. Fraser, you have a visitor this morning," the doctor stepped to the side.
Ray was led forward by Mary so he could be near the bed and Fraser wouldn't have to strain to see him.
"This is Detective Vecchio. He is a friend of yours from Chicago." The doctor explained to Fraser.
Ray locked eyes with Fraser and silently begged God for any sign of recognition from Fraser. There was none, a lingering gaze, yes… maybe, but nothing where his memory was concerned. The slate blue eyes that Ray got lost in during their moments of intimacy, looked lost and scared. Ray remembered their first night in Fraser's new bed. Ben had asked him to be his guide so he wouldn't get lost. Ray was up for the challenge.
Fraser attempted to reach out his right hand to shake Ray's but stopped short when the pain from moving was too much. "I apologize, Detective Vecchio. I seem to have limited mobility at the moment." Ray's heart dropped into his stomach and he suddenly felt sick. His relationship with Fraser had just been turned into a handshake, a handshake that couldn't even be accomplished.
Ray cringed at the name. 'Deep breath,' he reminded himself. "Hey, it's okay and you can call me Ray. I'm uh… I'm going to sit with you for a while, if that's okay. Maybe try and answer any questions you may have for me." Ray tried to keep his voice positive in the terribly negative situation.
"That would be fine, Ray. I'm sure the doctor has told you that I can't remember too much." Fraser explained. "Apparently, I took a blow to the head. Are you here about the accident?"
"No, there are other detectives working the accident. I'm here to visit. You and I are good friends." Ray's heart began to sink. Fraser didn't seem overly stressed that he had lost his memory. 'Maybe he was putting on a brave front.' Ray had no idea what he must be feeling. In the past, Fraser had been the king of keeping things bottled up.
Mary checked Fraser's vitals, made her notations and left with the doctor. Ray pulled up the seat next to Fraser's bed and sat down. He sucked in a breath, held it and slowly let it out. He was dying inside. He looked at Fraser and a single tear escaped and slid down his cheek. He was hoping Fraser hadn't noticed. He was wrong.
"Detective Vecchio…" Fraser stopped short and frowned. Something felt odd about the name that didn't quite roll off his tongue, but he couldn't place it.
"It's Ray…" Ray corrected, wiping his eyes.
"Ray… is everything alright?" Fraser asked. 'This man was clearly upset.' Fraser thought to himself.
Ray let out a small laugh and cursed. "Shit… I'm… I'm sorry. You're the one who's hurt and can't remember anything and here I'm the one having a breakdown."
"It does seem a tad backwards," Fraser replied. He knuckle swiped his left eyebrow with his right hand and winced. Classic Fraser move, Ray noted. "I suppose I haven't had too much time awake to process much of anything this morning."
"It's just… this sucks."Ray stood up from the chair and started pacing along the edge of the bed. "You're my friend and you don't remember me."
"No, I'm sorry I don't," Fraser replied. "I trust you will help me though."
"Of course." Ray swiped his eyes again and resumed his pacing. He had so much bottled up energy and emotions, he couldn't sit still.
"Can you stop pacing, please? You're making me a little dizzy trying to follow you." Fraser asked Ray politely, his face was pale and he looked like he was about to throw up. Ray stopped instantly. "Thank you kindly."
'It only takes a moment to be courteous.' Ray smiled at the memory. "Sorry, I've been doing a lot of that the last day or so." He took a seat in the chair. "So, where shall we start?" Ray asked nervously.
"How about you tell me how we met?" Fraser asked him. "Maybe something will sound familiar."
"Well, it's kind of complicated," Ray began. How was he to get Fraser to understand that he wasn't really Ray Vecchio, but only working undercover as him? No, that conversation could wait. It was far too involved. "Uh… where to start?" Ray wondered aloud.
"I have found the beginning is usually a good place." Leave it to Fraser to be the practical thinker.
"Well, you first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of your father and for reasons that don't need exploring at this particular juncture; you have remained, attached as a liaison to the Canadian Consulate." Ray stopped after reciting Fraser's usual greeting to a new person. He glanced at Fraser. He looked like he had stopped breathing. "What's wrong?" Ray asked.
"My father's been killed?" Fraser asked, shock clearly written across his face.
"Oh my god… you don't remember that." Ray was at a loss for words. 'Shit… how far back did his memory loss go?'
"No, I don't remember that. How long ago was that?" Fraser asked, visibly shaken.
"Four years. You came to Chicago looking for his killers and it ended up being a high ranking member of the RCMP. That's how you ended up in Chicago. You turned in one of your own and the Canadian officials were embarrassed. They couldn't really fire you without getting more heat, so they shipped you here." Ray explained as Fraser tried to absorb the new information. "There's a lot of information you're missing my friend. What's the last thing you remember?"
Fraser closed his eyes and thought back to his last conversation with his father. "My dad had called me about a case he had been working on for a while. He didn't come out and tell me he needed help, but it was unusual for him to discuss his cases with me. We worked in different areas of the Territories and rarely saw one another. I didn't hear anything more about it from him." Fraser closed his eyes and a tear escaped. He wiped it away with his free hand. "I'm sorry… it's… I just can't remember anything since that phone call from him."
"It's okay, Frase, I'll help you remember, alright." Ray gave Fraser's arm a gentle squeeze. He wanted to pull him into a fierce hug and kiss him until he remembered. He slowly let go of Fraser's arm and continued. "It was a case about caribou being drowned from a dam that was built improperly. He was killed shortly after you had spoken to him, that's why you never heard from him. You got some lead that brought you to Chicago after the suspects. You caught the guys and now they are behind bars, where they belong."
"Good." Fraser seemed relieved when he heard that the suspects had been arrested for his father's murder and were in prison. "And now I live in Chicago? I've been here for four years?"
"Yep… four years. You work at the Consulate and you also work as a liaison with the Chicago police, that's where I come in. We are sort of unofficial partners, but we do have the highest arrest record and solve rate for our cases," Ray beamed. He was proud of the partnership he and Fraser had formed.
"So, we work well together?" Fraser asked confused. "Because I've been told on occasion that I am somewhat of a loner and work best by myself."
"Well, not here. Here, you work best with me. You set 'em up, I knock 'em down." Ray was watching Fraser's face for signs of recollection. There were none. His heart sank a little lower. "We're a duet, Frase."
Fraser's head snapped forward off the pillow. "A duet?"
Ray's heart now skipped a beat. Was Fraser remembering? "Yeah, a duet." Ray repeated.
"Wouldn't it be easier to say we were partners?" Fraser questioned Ray. He laid his head back on his pillow, any hint of recognition gone from his face.
"Maybe to some it would be easier…" Ray felt like screaming. 'Keep it together, Kowalski'. "But for you and I… we're a duet." Ray put emphasis on the word, hoping to help it sink in.
Ray needed a different approach. Yes… he had it now, Fraser's link between the past and the present, Diefenbaker. "When you get home, Dief will be very happy to see you. Frannie is probably feeding him his fair share of doughnuts right about now." There it was… the light bulb in Fraser's head had just been flipped on and it was shining bright at the mention of the deaf, half-wolf. Ray's breathed a sigh of relief.
"Diefenbaker is with me in Chicago? Is that even allowed?" Fraser's whole face lit up at the mention of the wolf.
Ray was jealous and wished he could get the same reaction from Fraser. "Dief was in the car with you and has a broken leg, but he's fine other than that. Our friend, Frannie, is going to keep him until you get home. I'm not sure how you pulled it off, but he does have a license." Ray smiled at Fraser, who finally had a smile of his own.
"Finally, something familiar." Fraser's smile faded away as he stared at Ray. "There's something you're not telling me."
Ray locked eyes with Fraser and nodded. "There's a lot I'm not telling you, Ben. You have to trust me that I will tell you everything when the time is right. Your doctor didn't want me to give you information overload on the first day."
Fraser cocked his head to the side. "Ben? Not very many people call me that. Only…" Fraser hesitated, but never spoke the words… 'people that love me'. Did he just remember something? He stifled a yawn. "I'm sorry," he apologized as he yawned again.
Ray let out a small laugh. "I should let you get some rest. I think that we have covered enough for right now." He stood up from his chair and Fraser reached for his arm to stop him. The simple touch was electrifying and Ray didn't want Fraser to ever let go.
"Ray…" Fraser started and stopped. He wasn't sure how to continue.
"Yeah, Ben?"
"Do I… trust you?" Fraser questioned. He needed something to believe in, someone he could trust to hold on to.
Ray sank back into the chair. "God… there's so much I need to tell you, but not now. You need time to process and see if anything comes back on its own. But yeah, Ben… you trust me."
Ray reluctantly left Fraser so he could rest for a few hours but promised he would return in the early evening to visit some more and hopefully restore some lost memories.
There was something about Ray that was bothering Fraser but he couldn't put his finger on it and his lack of memory recall was beginning to frighten him. What if he didn't get his memory back? Could he trust Ray enough help him begin a new future? These thoughts invaded his mind as he drifted off to a restless sleep.
Ray stopped by the nurse's station before he left the hospital. He wanted to tell Mary that he would be back later to visit Fraser and to thank her for her kindness. He needed to get a car rented today and then make it to the police station. He didn't get any of his work done yesterday and he thought he could get a few reports done while Fraser was resting.
After renting a car, Ray made his way to the police station. He was greeted by Francesca and he filled her in on Fraser's condition this morning. He ruffled Dief's fur and slipped him a doughnut he had bought on the way in. "He's going to be okay, Dief. It may take us a while to get him back. He's in there; he just needs to find his way out." Ray gave Frannie a hug and kiss on the cheek. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, bro." she replied with familiar affection. "Welsh wanted to see you when you got in."
Ray deposited his things on his desk and then knocked on Lieutenant Welsh's office door. He entered after hearing the gruff command and shut the door. "You wanted to see me Lieu?" Ray asked.
"Have a seat, Ray." Welsh motioned to the chair next to Ray. "We need to talk about a few things."
"If this is about those reports, Sir, I promise they will be on your desk by the end of the day." Ray knew it had to be something else but was hoping it would be something simple this time. Whenever Welsh asked you to sit down, you were either in trouble or something bad had happened. Today, he would take being in trouble.
"Your reports are never on time, Vecchio. Why should today be any different? No, I wanted to tell you the bad news before someone else told you. Your friend Jimmy has given us the slip." Welsh explained. He already knew how Ray was going to react.
"Fuck… I thought you said you were bringing him in. Come on Lieu, you said you had him. What happened?" Ray ran his hands through his hair and he let out another explicative. Welsh flinched.
"We have someone on the way to the hospital to guard Fraser's door. He'll screw up, Ray. Let us do our jobs, okay?" Welsh could sympathize with Ray. It was hard enough seeing Fraser in the hospital suffering. Knowing that the guy that was responsible for putting him there had just avoided being captured, wasn't an easy pill to swallow.
"Fuck…" Ray swore again, then turned to leave. "Can this get any worse?" He had the door opened and was halfway through it when Welsh called him back.
"Vecchio, there's more." Ray turned and glared at Welsh. "Inspector Thatcher was here earlier and is planning on having Fraser moved to a hospital in Canada tomorrow morning."
Ray turned, walked out the door and slammed it.
Welsh flinched in his seat again. "I guess that means I won't be getting any reports today."
"Frannie, I need your help and maybe some advice." Ray's eyes begged Frannie to agree to help him.
"Sure, whatever you need." She agreed immediately.
"You're an angel. Help me sneak Dief into the hospital. The Ice Queen wants to move Fraser to a Canadian hospital tomorrow." Ray explained frantically. "Maybe seeing Diefenbaker will help kick start his memory."
"That's a great idea!" Francesca agreed eagerly. "Hold on a minute. I have the perfect disguise for him." She went to the supply closet at the end of the hallway and returned holding a 'Service Animal: Guide Dog' sash to place on Diefenbaker to get him into the hospital.
"Frannie, you're a genius. Come on. Maybe seeing you will trigger something in Fraser's head as well."
Ray and Frannie left the squad room and helped Dief into the car. They had no trouble getting Diefenbaker past any of the hospital staff. When they approached Fraser's room, Ray saw Inspector Thatcher and Fraser's doctor having what looked like a heated argument. Ray and Francesca approached slowly.
"What's going on here? Is there a problem with Fraser? Is he okay" Ray asked concerned.
Inspector Thatcher glared at him and answered for the doctor. "There is no problem with Constable Fraser except that he has no memory, he has a broken arm and he won't be ready to report for duty in two weeks like he is supposed to," she yelled at Ray. "And this doctor here won't release Fraser into my care so I can take him back to Canada." Her voice was getting louder.
The doctor tried reasoning with her but she held up her hand to silence him. She glared at Ray. "Don't think that I don't know that you are behind this. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay here; god only knows why… he's been here long enough. You have two weeks to do whatever it is you need to do, Detective. Two weeks to say your goodbyes and then he is to be back on Canadian soil, with or without his memory. Do I make myself clear?" Thatcher never gave Ray a chance to answer, but stormed past the two friends and the stunned Doctor and headed for the exit.
"I am glad that you arrived when you did. She wasn't listening to reason. Mr. Fraser is in no shape to be traveling any amount of distance," the doctor explained. "He needs rest and he needs to be able to relax and I highly doubt he would get that in her care. He has just woken up and has been asking for you."
Ray's face lit up. "He remembers me?"
"I'm sorry. I should have been more clear, he remembers you from earlier. He asked if you would be returning. You may go in if you like, and the dog is welcome as well." The doctor smiled at the three of them and opened the door leading into Fraser's room.
Dief yipped, but Ray gave the half- wolf a stern look. 'I can't tell him you're a half-wolf. You're going to have to live with the insult this once if you want to see Fraser.' He hoped Dief could read his mind.
When Fraser laid eyes on Diefenbaker his whole face lit up like a Christmas tree. The wolf made his way to the bed as quickly as his broken leg would allow. Ray picked up Dief's front paws and placed them near Fraser's right hand so they could touch each other. It was the happiest reunion Ray and Francesca had ever witnessed. Fraser rubbed Dief's head while Diefenbaker was busy licking every spot of bare flesh he could get his tongue on.
"A happy reunion," Francesca beamed.
Fraser looked up from rubbing Dief's ears as he noticed Francesca for the first time. He stared at her and tried to recall her from his memory. "I'm terribly sorry; I don't seem to be able to remember you."
Frannie looked hurt for two seconds and Ray stepped in and re introduced the two. "Fraser, this is Frannie Vecchio…" Ray stopped when he saw the confusion return to Fraser's face. "What's wrong?"
"Are the two of you married?" Fraser asked quietly, not willing to look Ray in the eyes.
Francesca laughed loudly and slapped Ray on the back. "God no… we'd kill each other."
Ray was watching Fraser intently and he caught his small sigh of relief. He smiled at Fraser and Fraser smiled back.
Frannie could sense the shift of moods in the room and made a decision. "Fraser, I would love to stay and fill your brain with everything I know, but I think that you will learn more from Ray here." She went over to the bed and took Fraser's free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I'm so glad you're okay. Give Ray a chance, okay." Before Fraser could respond, she turned to Ray, gave him a hug and whispered in his ear, "Tell him, he deserves to know."
"Frannie…" Ray whispered back. She stopped him quickly.
"That's my advice Ray, that's what you wanted, right? He needs something to hold on to, let it be you." She hugged him again and waved good bye to Fraser. When the door closed Ray turned his gaze back towards Fraser. Fraser wore a very perplexed expression.
"Is there something I'm missing, besides the past four years?" Fraser questioned Ray.
Ray sucked in a breath and held it. He let it out slowly and pulled the chair up to Fraser's bed and sat down. "There's a lot you're missing, a lot about work and a lot about home, where you live and have lived… and a lot about me. I have some things that I want to tell you, that I need to tell you, but I'm afraid that it will be too much for you and it will ruin everything you and I have worked for together. I'll leave it up to you to let me know what you want to know and what you don't. I'll answer anything you ask me." He was nervous and shaking. This could take a downward spiral very quickly and get very ugly and then Fraser would be begging the Ice Queen to haul him back to Canada.
Fraser just sat there and stared at Ray. "Okay, I want to know everything… good and bad."
Ray settled into his chair and locked eyes with Fraser. "You sure?"
"Yes…" Fraser replied. "I want to know what I'm forgetting." He stared at Ray and cocked his head as if something dawned on him. "You're not Italian."
"I'm undercover as Ray Vecchio. Francesca is his real sister, not mine. My name's, Ray Kowalski." Ray explained as Fraser absorbed the information. "You and I have been partners for almost a year."
"I had a dream, while I was sleeping earlier today, after you had left," Fraser began to explain. His blue eyes were locked tightly on to Ray's.
Ray wondered where this side story was going. He wanted to tell Fraser about their relationship or at least build up to it so he could maybe figure it out on his own. "Yeah… what kind of dream?" Ray asked. 'Why was Fraser sidetracking things with a damn dream?'
"I had a dream about you, but it really made no sense to me. Maybe if I tell you, you could perhaps explain it to me." Fraser's eyes were searching… searching for answers.
"I can try. I'm no expert when it comes to dreams though." Ray explained. "What was going on in this dream of yours?"
Fraser's hand was trembling when he began to speak. Ray quickly took it into his and laced their fingers and gave it a squeeze. Fraser looked from their hands to Ray's eyes and never looked away. His voice was shaking. "I dreamt that you were on a ship, but you were drowning…" A single tear slipped down Fraser's bruised cheek. "It scared the hell out of me, but I was able to save you."
Ray's own tears began to fall with Fraser's. "You remember…"
