"You're remembering, Ben… that's great." Ray still had a hold of Fraser's hand and he leaned forward to freely kiss him but stopped himself. What if Fraser didn't remember all of that part? He would have some serious explaining to do and he didn't want to make Fraser any more uncomfortable than he already was. He reeled his emotions back in and settled on simply squeezing Fraser's uninjured shoulder, but he held tight to Fraser's hand. He needed some form of connection to the man he loved and if all he could get was holding his hand, that's what he would take.
Fraser didn't look ready to celebrate his recent discovery. "Ray…please don't get too excited. I can't even tell you if what I dreamed was real or not. I have no memory of any details." Fraser dried his eye and winced when his fingers brushed across the angry bruises on his cheek. "The dream certainly felt real. You said that I remembered… did I really save you from drowning? On a ship?" Fraser tried wrapping his brain around how you could drown on a ship but was coming up empty.
Ray's smile dropped off of his face momentarily but soon returned. "Ben, if you can dream it… then it's still in there. We just need to figure out how to bring all your memories back to the surface. And yes, the ship was sinking and we had to swim underwater a really long way and I can't swim, but I had to learn quick. I ran out of air and you performed your standard procedure buddy- breathing. Then, we found our way to the surface."
Fraser pondered this new information for a moment. Ray was hoping the mention of the buddy-breathing would trigger some more recollection, but so far he saw nothing in Fraser's eyes.
"That's wonderful that I could put my training to good use. I don't believe I have ever had to perform buddy- breathing before." Fraser laid his head back into his pillow. He turned his gaze back towards Ray and finally seemed to notice the death grip Ray had on his hand. "Was there more to that particular memory, Ray, I should know about?"
Ray looked at their hands and then to Fraser's face. 'God if you only knew, Ben.' "That was a very complicated case, Fraser. If you can't remember all the details now, I would rather wait until more of your memory comes back before I try and explain it all." Ray reluctantly let go of Fraser's hand and sat back into his chair. Ben didn't know him any better now than he did a day ago. Ray wasn't about to give up hope.
Fraser was frustrated at his lack of memory recall. When he had the dream and asked Ray about it, he was hoping his memories would start to fall into place. There was nothing new that registered, just the sight of Ray's face underwater looking panic stricken. There was something Fraser couldn't put his finger on that was bothering him.
"Fraser, forget about your memory for a while. Okay, we can focus on that later." Ray tried to lift Fraser's spirits.
"I'm sorry Ray that I can't remember anything else about my dream. There's simply no recollection of any details." Fraser was frustrated with himself and it was starting to show on his face.
"It's okay, we have all the time in the world for you to get your memory back. I'm a terrible friend… I haven't even asked you how you're feeling from the accident, physically that is… we all know your brain isn't working right." Ray chuckled and smiled at his friend.
Fraser had a smile of his own for that remark. "I've been told in the past that my brain is wired a little differently than others. As for how I feel? Lousy would pretty much cover all the bases. I've been told I have a broken arm, some cracked ribs and a gash to the head. It all hurts but it could be worse, right? I was told I ran a red light. I'm usually a very cautious driver. I don't know what happened, obviously." Fraser sighed and rubbed his eyebrow again and bit his lower lip. He looked at Ray and frowned. "What do you know about the accident?" The cop in Fraser never went off duty, even injured and lying in a hospital bed.
Ray rubbed his hands together and leaned his head forward. "That's a little complicated as well." Ray looked up to see Fraser staring at him with those intense blue eyes. "You were driving my car and we found out the brake lines had been cut. There was no way for you to stop. It is still an ongoing investigation so I can't tell you too much more." Ray had just told Fraser a bold face lie. He mentally kicked himself in the head. There was a whole lot more he could tell him, but it was far too complicated to get into now. Fraser needed to concentrate on the happy memories, not Jimmy.
"They've told me that I can go home tomorrow." Fraser solemnly told Ray. "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."
Ray was excited. "Greatness! That's great news, Frase." Maybe if he could get him into some familiar surroundings, memories would begin to click into place and he would have Ben back.
"Is it great news, Ray? I can't remember where I live." Fraser's voice held an unfamiliar edge.
'He was definitely frustrated', Ray noted to himself. "It's okay Ben, I'm going to help you."
"Ray, in case you haven't noticed… I'm not going to be able to do a whole lot for myself for a while. I can't expect you to be there twenty four hours a day to help me." Fraser let out a sigh and turned his head towards the window. How was he going to manage being at home, wherever that was, by himself?
"Ben, look at me." Fraser reluctantly looked at Ray and winced from the pain. "Do you need some pain meds? Are you hurting?" Ray asked him. He knew the Mountie was hurting but would most likely decline the pain medication. Fraser surprised him.
"I might need something. I'm having trouble focusing on something as simple as going home." Fraser admitted. "Would you mind buzzing the nurse for me?
The nurse was called and she adjusted Fraser's pain meds. "The doctor is making his rounds and will be in shortly to discuss going home tomorrow. Are you up for that Mr. Fraser?"
"Going home? I'm not exactly sure I could tell you where that is." Fraser explained with a touch of sadness.
"Well, I'm sure your friend here knows where it is. He seems eager to help you get your memory back. The doctor will be in shortly." She patted Fraser's arm and gave Ray a warm smile before leaving the room.
Five minutes later the doctor arrived. He checked over Fraser's injuries, poked and prodded him until Fraser began showing signs of discomfort and then began the speech about going home that Fraser was semi- dreading.
"I believe that by tomorrow after noon , we can have you discharged and ready to return home. Mr. Vecchio here has already told us that he would make sure that you do what you are told and make sure that you take your pain medication. We will be switching you over to oral meds later this evening and then, if those sit well, we will remove the IV. I will stop by tomorrow morning to sign your discharge papers and give you instructions for home, what to do, what not to do… that sort of thing. We want to get you healed up nicely and not have to worry about that break not healing. Do you have any questions for me?" The doctor was looking at both Fraser and Ray. Fraser shook his head 'No'.
Ray, on the other hand, had a few questions for the doctor. "What can I do for his memory?"
"Like I mentioned earlier when we spoke, it's all really a matter of time and healing and some patience. Surround him with familiar faces, familiar objects, but don't overdo it. Looking at pictures can sometimes help trigger memory recall." The doctor explained to both men.
"What about work?" Ray questioned.
"Oh, he won't be going to work for a while." The doctor looked shocked that Ray would even ask such a question.
"I'm not stupid… of course he can't work. We're partners, what about going over old cases together. Will that help? I can bring some files home with me and go over them with him." Ray was a little annoyed.
"I'm sorry, I should have understood what you meant. Going over files would be fine, but wait a few days for that. Let him get settled into a routine at home. If there is nothing else, I will see you in the morning, Mr. Fraser." The doctor said his good-bye's and left the room. Fraser tried to hide a yawn but failed.
"Hey, I'm going to go and let you get some sleep. I'll take Dief home with me and then I will be back tomorrow to take you home. Do you need anything before I go?" Ray didn't want to leave but he needed to let him rest. Once Fraser was home, he wouldn't have to leave him, he could just crash on the couch. Oh… that hurt his heart. He would much rather crawl into bed with Fraser. But until Fraser could remember anything more, it would have to be hands off. 'God this sucked' Ray thought bitterly. He loved Fraser and he couldn't even show him or tell him. Well, he could, but what kind of reaction would Fraser have to that?
"Thank you kindly, Ray, for everything." Fraser gave Ray a warm smile. "I will see you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow it is. Come on, Dief. I'll get you a doughnut on the way home." Ray knew that would ruffle Fraser's feathers, at least it would have before he lost the last four years.
"Ray, Diefenbaker doesn't need doughnuts. He eats far too many of them as it is." Dief yipped at Fraser. "Well, it's true, you do. No use arguing about it."
"Hey…" Ray's eyes were wide. "You remembered something else. You never give Dief doughnuts, only I do."
Fraser had a smile of his own. "Why can't I remember any details about any of that?" Fraser was agitated.
"Hey, don't go beating yourself up, okay. You've remembered a couple things now, even if it's just a ghost of a memory… it's still there." Ray reassured Fraser. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Ray left with Diefenbaker still drooling for a doughnut and Fraser couldn't help but smile a little. He did remember something, kind of.He would just have to be patient. His thoughts began to drift back to going home and how difficult that was going to be. First, as he's already told everyone that would listen, he doesn't remember where that is and once there, could he really take care of himself with a broken arm that had to be surgically repaired and broken ribs. He was pretty sure Ray was going to stick around to help him, but they were partners, right? He couldn't figure out why he would put so much effort into his well- being. He was sure they were good friends, but then Ray was holding his hand an awful lot the last two days. Maybe he was reading something that wasn't there and since when did he think that way anyway? 'Well, I can't remember anything from the past four years… maybe I've changed'. Tomorrow he vowed to get to the bottom of things. With that on his mind, he drifted off to sleep.
Ray took Dief back to his apartment and then went to the station. He wanted to check to see if there were any new leads on Jimmy's whereabouts. He also needed to get his car keys to get his key to Fraser's place. Even if Fraser didn't remember his own apartment, Ray was sure he would be much more comfortable amongst his own belongings. What Ray wouldn't give just to wrap his arms around him, press him up against a wall and kiss him until Fraser buddy- breathed some air back into him. 'Cool it Kowalski' he warned himself. 'Don't go scaring the guy five minutes into being home.'
He retrieved his keys from Welsh, learned they had no leads on where Jimmy might be so, he grabbed a bite to eat and a doughnut for Dief and went back home. Ray thought back to what Francesca had told him at the hospital. 'He needs someone to hold on to, let it be you.' Ray picked up the phone and called Francesca.
"Frannie, it's Ray. I need your advice." Ray begged over the phone. "You know Fraser, should I tell him, or let him figure it out by himself?"
"'Good evening, Francesca. How are you this evening?' God, Ray… could you be a little less demanding? What did I tell you at the hospital? I think you need to tell him. He deserves to know." Frannie scolded Ray. "Where are your manners, by the way?"
"I'm sorry, Frannie. I'm just freaking out. What if I tell him and he freaks out? Wouldn't it be best if he figured it out on his own?" Ray apologized quickly and then tried to explain his dilemma.
"Ray… put yourself in his shoes. You wake up from a horrible car accident. You have no memory of anything for the last four years and there's this guy going out of his way to be nice to you, but he never explains why, except that you're friends. And then one day, who knows how far down the road it's going to be, a light bulb goes off and he suddenly remembers everything about you and everything you've shared and he wonders 'Why didn't he ever tell me?' How do you think that is going to make him feel? Like he can't trust you to tell him what needs to be said, no matter how difficult it may be to hear. It could help his recovery, Ray. Look at all the time you would have lost. If he never remembers, God forbid, then you can start anew with him. He loves you and you love him, you just need to show him." Frannie explained to Ray and was hoping he was listening.
"But… what if…" Ray couldn't bare to say it. "What if he doesn't want to move things forward? What if he doesn't want anything to do with me once I tell him. What if he freaks out?"
"Like you are now? Ray, you don't give Fraser enough credit. He loves you… you don't forget love." She said softly.
"God, you're right. Thank you, Frannie. He will be home tomorrow afternoon if you want to stop over." Ray knew what he had to do when he got Fraser settled, but boy was that going to be a difficult conversation. Ray thanked Frannie again and hung up the phone. He showered and crawled into bed and tried to work through a conversation in his head with Fraser… no, with Ben. He wasn't a coward… he could do this.
The following morning Ray arrived at the hospital and was greeted by Mary. "Good morning, Ray. How are you this morning?"
"I'm a little nervous about taking Ben home." Ray admitted. "I've been trying to decide if I should tell him about us. What do you think?"
"I think you should follow your heart, dear Ray. Ben slept well last night. He is a little agitated this morning, but I believe that is stemming from being nervous about going home. His doctor has already signed his discharge papers and explained when he needs to return to his regular doctor for follow up visits for his injuries. So, whenever he is dressed and ready. You are free to take him. Just don't push him and be patient."
Ray pulled Mary into a warm hug. "Thank you for all of your help. I brought some clothes for him. Can you show me how to help him get dressed without hurting him?"
"Follow me, Ray." Mary nodded towards Fraser's room.
Fraser was reluctant about allowing anyone to help him, man or woman, get dressed into civilian clothing but he knew once he actually sat on the edge of the bed, he was going to need help, and not just here at the hospital. He silently hoped that Ray was really serious about sticking around to help him.
Once dressed, he felt like he had just run a marathon and was more than ready to rest again. Ray helped him into the awaiting wheelchair, 'Hospital policy', Mary had said and pushed him towards the exit and the waiting car to take him home. Mary had thankfully given him a stronger dose of his pain meds for the ride home. He winced and held his breath every time Ray had hit a dip in the road and he thanked the heavens above when they pulled into the parking lot for what looked like apartment buildings.
"Here we are, home sweet home." Ray said cheerfully. He got out and went to Fraser's side of the car to open the door and help him out. Fraser winced with every movement. "Easy, okay, take your time. I've got you."
Fraser was breathing heavy when he finally got himself out of the car. "I'm okay… just hurts more than I was expecting."
"Come on, let's get you inside and settled so you can rest. Frannie has Dief and is going to bring him over later this evening." Ray led Fraser into the building and was thankful this apartment building had an elevator. He suddenly remembered Jimmy moving in two doors down from Fraser and wondered if it would be wise for them to even stay at Fraser's apartment. He knew Fraser though, and that meant they would be staying. He doubted Jimmy would be dumb enough to come back to his apartment anyway. He didn't always use all of his brains, but he surely wasn't that dumb, especially if he knew the police were looking for him. It dawned on Ray that Jimmy probably thought he had been in the accident, not Fraser. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. Ray sighed and Fraser noticed his apprehension when they hadn't moved out of the elevator.
"Is this my floor?" Fraser asked. "Is everything all right, Ray?"
Ray pulled himself together. "Yeah, everything is fine." Ray ushered him out of the elevator and down the hall to apartment 307. Here we are." Ray opened the door and Fraser stepped into his home. He took in his surroundings and noted the half unpacked boxes scattered across the floor from the kitchen into what he assumed was the living room. He turned to Ray with a questioning look. "I thought you said I've lived here for four years. Was I moving?"
Ray had forgotten about the boxes that they had still been in the process of unpacking the last time they were here. "You actually just moved in last week. About a year ago you were home back in the Yukon Territories on a little vacation and when you came back to Chicago, your apartment building had been burned down." Ray smiled at the memory of meeting Fraser that first day. Fraser noticed.
"It's the Northwest Territories or the Yukon, Ray. My apartment building burning is amusing to you?" Fraser sounded pissy.
"What? No… god no. I was remembering that was the first day you and I had met. You were just as confused that day as you are now. You spent the whole day trying to figure out how I wasn't the real Ray Vecchio. I was under the impression that someone had told you about me being under cover, but apparently not."
"Ah, I see… well sort of." Fraser smiled, his gaze returning to the boxes. "So, where was I living, before I moved here?" Fraser had moved further into the apartment and was glancing over the boxes and the furniture, trying to force himself to remember.
"You were staying at the Canadian Consulate. The Ice Queen was kind enough to let you stay there. You had a cot in your office." Ray couldn't believe Fraser had actually slept on that tiny thing.
"Ice Queen?" Fraser questioned.
"Yeah, well, that's what I call her. It's Inspector Thatcher to everyone else that actually respects her or is scared of her. She's your boss."
"My superior officer." Fraser nodded. "I believe I heard her yelling outside my door at one point while I was in the hospital."
"Yeah, that was her. We don't exactly see eye to eye on a lot of things." Ray shrugged. "So, does anything look familiar?" Ray watched Fraser intently as he made his way around the apartment.
Fraser would stop and pick up an object and then replace it exactly how he had found it. He ran his hand along the back of the couch and stopped at the wool blanket. It was cream colored with thick red and blue alternating stripes. Fraser's face held a faint smile. "This was my grandfather's blanket. He gave it to me when I was twelve." Fraser continued through the living room and stopped at a shelf of books that had already been put away. He pulled a small, tattered leather bound book off the shelf and flipped open the cover. He ran his fingers across the pages that contained his father's hand writing. "My father's journals," he said quietly.
Fraser held onto the small book and made his way towards what he assumed was the bedroom. Ray followed at a distance allowing Fraser some space. "Ray… why on earth do I have such a large bed?" Fraser went over to the bed and sat down on its edge. He locked eyes with Ray. "What aren't you telling me?"
Ray folded his arms and leaned against the wall and held Fraser's gaze. Those intense blue eyes were enough to give him his courage. This was it… do or die. God, where to start? Ray sucked in a shaky breath and slowly released it through his nose. He pushed a foot into the wall and slowly made his way over to Fraser on shaking legs. "Ben, this may be hard for you to hear."
Fraser followed him with longing in his eyes. He needed something to connect to… someone to hold on to. "Are you trying to protect me from something? Something I shouldn't remember?"
"No… I want you to remember, I need you to remember and it's killing me that you don't." Ray couldn't place the right words on his tongue.
"I'm sorry, I just can't recall anything. I've been trying but I keep coming up with a blank slate. The only thing I keep seeing is your face and the panic on it when you ran out of air and that's…" Fraser stopped and ran his finger over his lips. There was the ghost of a memory that wasn't making itself clear to him. "That's when I performed the buddy- breathing." Fraser completed his thought, but was still unsure if that's all there was to it.
"You saved me, Ben, and I will be eternally grateful." Ray still held Fraser's gaze.
"There's more to that buddy- breathing… more that you're not telling me." Fraser accused Ray of holding back. "What is it?"
"I'm not sure you're ready to hear it…" No… 'I'm not sure I'm ready to tell you'. Ray corrected himself in his head. What if Fraser reacted badly to hearing about their relationship.
"Please, trust me, Ray… I need to know." Fraser begged Ray with his eyes. If Ray wasn't going to take the first step, he would. He suddenly had a weird feeling of déjà vu. "Our relationship changed that day, didn't it? I think…" Fraser paused. "I think… I've loved you before… before I lost four years. Am I wrong? Is that what you've been keeping from me?"
"What do you want from me, Fraser? I can't remember for you and it's killing me to have these feelings that can't be returned by you because you can't remember. Ray closed his eyes and fought back the tears. He thought he could tell Fraser everything about them but now, he wasn't so sure.
"How about you try a little honesty, Ray, both with me and with yourself. I'm not a fragile child and I like to think that I am fairly open- minded. Help me put the pieces back together, please." Fraser was begging Ray for his help in understanding.
"I love you so fucking much… and its killing me to see you hurt, with no memory of us." Ray blurted out. He dropped to his knees in front of Fraser and locked both his hands around Fraser's good one. He laced their fingers together and squeezed tightly. "I'm sorry…I'm just afraid I'm going to lose you."
"Ray…Ray, look at me." Fraser took their joined hands and raised Ray's chin so he could look in his eyes. "Do I look like I'm running away scared?"
"Ben, I'm sorry. I was worried you would freak." Ray dried his eyes on the shoulder of his t-shirt, not willing to let go of Fraser's hand. When he looked back at Fraser's face, he was wearing a smile. "What are you all grins about?"
"Freak… you call me a freak." Fraser stated clearly.
Ray sprung to his feet, placed his hands on both sides of Fraser's face and kissed him deeply. Fraser parted his lips and welcomed Ray's invading tongue. Fraser couldn't recollect anything of their relationship, but kissing Ray felt strangely familiar and he welcomed it with open arms.
Ray reluctantly let go of his lips and they both were gasping for air. "Would you show me how that buddy- breathing works again, Ben? I think… I forgot."
"Ray, I still don't remember anything concrete… about anything." Fraser admitted between Ray's kisses.
"It's okay, Ben. I will help you remember, trust me." Ray captured Fraser's smiling lips in another passionate kiss. They were both going to be needing buddy-breathing soon if they didn't come up for air. Neither one was willing to let go of the other.
