Authors note: A million thank you's go out to butterflyghost for all of your help with this chapter. Thanks to you, I am officially unstuck. As always… thanks to everyone who is following this story. I love to hear your thoughts on the story. I own all mistakes and am only borrowing the guys for a little while longer. Enjoy…
Ray couldn't tell if Fraser was being serious or not from the tone of his voice. Punching Fraser was one of the biggest regrets of Ray's adult life. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to travel down that memory lane with Fraser either at the moment. However, had it not been for that punch, they may not be where they were now. Ultimately, it brought the two of them closer together. They learned they had to trust each other. Fraser had learned to begin to trust Ray and trust their partnership. It wasn't an easy road for either of them.
Ray smiled fondly at Fraser. "Yeah… I punched you. But I warned you I was going to, so it's really your own fault. You're so damn stubborn, Ben."
Fraser frowned. 'My fault? Isn't that how it begins?' He began to fidget with the throw pillow under his injured arm. "I don't remember any details of what happened. I just remember being punched and just walking away. I don't know if we were fighting or what happened. I just recall you being very angry with me."
"Ben, don't let that bother you, okay… we worked it all out and we're good. We're better than good." Ray ran a soothing hand over Fraser's leg and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"But it does bother me. It bothers me that I can't remember anything else. If we're so close, why would you hit me?" Fraser was more confused than ever. "Everything is just bits and pieces in my head and nothing makes any sense. I have no timeline, no order and its confusing me. Surely you can understand that." Fraser let his frustrations out.
"I do understand, Ben." Ray was trying to be patient with Fraser but he felt like he was chasing his tail trying to explain things. He moved to give Fraser's thigh another squeeze and Fraser moved his leg out of reach.
"How do I know that you punching me isn't the most recent memory I should have of you?" Fraser began to stand up and Ray stopped him with a firm hand on his arm.
"What are you talking about? You've got it all backwards, Ben. Me punching you is how we ended up together, in a round- about way." It was Ray's turn to be confused. "I would never intentionally hurt you."
'That's what they always say.' Fraser pushed Ray's hand to the side and stood up and moved to the other side of the living room.
Ray sat bewildered on the couch. 'Where was this coming from?' he asked himself.
"Come on, Fraser. You can't be serious. What is this? Now you're scared of me?" Ray was trying to talk his inner boxer into settling down but he was getting antsy for a fight.
"You're a cop, Ray… I'm a cop. We both know how the cycle of abuse works." Fraser was shaking as he spoke. 'Am I really a victim?'
"Cycle? Cycle of what? Are you unhinged? I punched you one time, Fraser… one time! And now you think I'm an abuser? Are you fucking kidding me?" Ray was up off the couch and in Fraser's face. "I swore I would never do that again in my life. It almost ruined our friendship, Fraser."
Fraser was startled and Ray saw the fear in his eyes. He took a step back and held up his hands. "Look, I'm sorry if I startled you or whatever. I'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from or going but you're obviously freaked out about something." Ray let out a sigh. "And I don't know what that is… I'm sorry. Is it something in your past that has you all freaked out… or something else about me that you remember? Talk to me, Ben." Ray was trying to remain calm.
"There was a case not too long after I became a Mountie." Fraser looked lost as he was remembering the past.
"Good… a past case, so, not really about me?" Ray was still trying to figure out Fraser's sudden switch in his comfort level with Ray.
"A young woman came to us for help. She accused her husband of abusing her. We of course went out to investigate, brought him in for questioning. He convinced her not to press any charges and we had to let him go. He swore to her that it would never happen again. I tried to convince her otherwise. Unless he received some form of counseling himself, he would continue the cycle of abuse. She went home with him anyways… told me that she trusted him. A week later, I went to check on her and found her beaten to death in her own home. We never found the husband. If she would have just listened to me, she would still be alive. Now, I need to take my own advice." Fraser explained to Ray. He was so confused with all of his conflicting memories of Ray; he no longer knew what to believe in or what to trust. "I'm sorry…"
"What the hell, Fraser… I've never abused you. You can't compare me to some memory of a dead girl that refused your help." Ray was angry and knew that it wasn't helping his case any but he couldn't put a lid on it either.
"What about your ex? You were married before, right?" Fraser had hit a nerve mentioning Stella.
"She's my ex because we agreed not to be married anymore, not because I abused her. How dare you even think that, Fraser? Listen, I get that you're confused and all and that memories aren't falling into the correct places or the correct sequences, for that matter. But, I would never hurt you and I'm trying to be patient and understanding but you're talking a whole lot of stuff that isn't making any sense and isn't true." Ray was hurt that Fraser would think such things of him. He had to figure out a way to make the Mountie see things clearly.
"Weren't you following her? Shortly after we first met, you were following her around." Fraser threw another half memory in Ray's face.
"Ben, come on… you can't be serious." Ray was dumbfounded at the accusations coming out of Fraser's mouth. The man he loved was now afraid of him.
"How do I know that the car accident was actually an accident? What if I was trying to get away from you and you made it so I couldn't?" Fraser accused.
"Ben, would you listen to yourself? None of that makes any sense. I already told you, Jimmy cut the brake lines on my car. You know what… forget it. You obviously are confused. I'm not going to argue about this with you anymore." Ray took a step towards Fraser and stopped when he noticed the Mountie was trembling.
Fraser took a shaky step backwards. "I think I need some space, Ray. Just until I can sort things out and put them into some form of order that makes sense to me. I want you to go, please, just for now."
"Unfucking real…" Ray let out a curse. "Fine, have it your way. I'll be at the station when you get your brain straightened out." Ray scribbled his phone number at the station and his cell number on a piece of paper and tossed it onto the kitchen counter. "That's for when you remember who I really am; you can call me to come back." He could no longer hide his rising anger with the turn of events from the morning.
Diefenbaker took one look at Fraser and barked sharply at him and followed Ray to the door.
"Have it your way, at least it will be quiet and I won't have to listen to you beg for doughnuts." Fraser called after the deaf- wolf.
Ray left with Dief and slammed the door behind him. Fraser went over to the couch he couldn't remember buying and sat down. Did he really accuse ray of abusing him? He was sure he loved him, but why were all the thoughts of abuse popping into his head? Fraser's head hurt and he contemplated taking a pain pill and lying down.
He rubbed the back of his head and stopped when his fingers came across what felt like stiches. 'What is that from?' he wondered. He vaguely recalled Ray saying… no screaming at him 'Why don't you ever listen to me?' Perhaps his accusations where correct and Ray was an abuser. Something about that thought wasn't sitting well with Fraser, but it was hard to ignore evidence. His thoughts were so mixed up in his head. He needed to see some different scenery. He had been confined to this apartment for the last several days, maybe if he got out, something else would look familiar. He told himself he wouldn't go too far… didn't need to get himself lost after all. He was unfamiliar with the area and getting lost would only add to his problems.
Fraser picked up his keys to his apartment and looked them over. He went over to his door and tried the different keys on the ring until he found the one that worked his lock. Glancing back towards the counter he saw Ray's numbers scribbled down for him for when he came to his senses. He picked up the piece of paper and folded it and tucked it into his pocket. Maybe going out into the fresh air would help him get his memory back. Fighting with Ray wasn't a comforting feeling and he felt bad about the accusations he placed on his friend. Fraser was determined to remember something positive.
Fraser walked towards what looked like a small park. He knew from the past, before Chicago, that he and Diefenbaker liked to hike through the woods. Maybe this park was their substitute for nature. It was close enough to the apartment for early morning runs before work. Fraser missed Diefenbaker's presense and wished he would have chosen to stay rather than follow Ray. He could really use a friend right now, one he could remember.
Fraser sat down gingerly on a nearby park bench and winced. He should have taken that pain pill after all. He was hurting and every move he made, his body was protesting. His mind wandered back to Ray. 'Why can't I remember?' Fraser remained on the bench and let his tired body rest as he stared out over the expanse of the park.
Ray made it to the station in record time. He was angry and his actions showed it. Every door was slammed shut as he went through it. 'How dare Fraser accuse him of such a horrible thing as abuse?' He was going to ring the Mounties neck when he finally remembered everything. He tossed a second doughnut out of spite in Dief's direction. "What's the matter with him Dief? God… he's so stubborn." Ray was frustrated and had no outlet for his energy. Ray smiled at Dief. "At least you're still thinking sensibly… you did come with me after all." Ray frowned. "Shit… I left him alone. Stupid move, Kowalski…" Ray kicked his desk.
Francesca had just arrived and noticed Ray's tantrum. "What did your desk do today, Ray… swallow a report you needed?" She laughed at her attempt at a joke. It dawned on her that Fraser was nowhere around. "Hey, where's Fraser?"
Ray sat down on the edge of his desk and ran his hands through his blond spikes. "We had a fight this morning."
"A fight? Over what… why you shouldn't feed Dief doughnuts?" Frannie asked bewildered.
"No… he remembered me punching him that one time before the 'Henry whatever' ship thing. He thinks he's in an abusive relationship with me and that he was trying to get away from me when he was in the accident." Ray tried to explain the morning's events to Frannie.
"Seriously… that doesn't sound like Fraser at all." Francesca was shocked.
"Well, Ben doesn't know up from down right now. His marbles are all jumbled up and he isn't thinking straight. He told me about a case he worked on where a young girl was abused but went back to her husband and he eventually killed her. Frannie, he's scared of me." Ray kicked his desk again out of frustration.
"Well, I can see you've got your temper in check." She added dryly. "Kicking your desk isn't making it any better, Ray. Maybe he just needs some space. You're really the only one he's seen since he woke up. Give him a little space to clear his head. I'm sure it's very frustrating for him as well not to be able to remember things and who knows what order he is remembering. It makes sense for him to think you could be abusing him. We all know that isn't true Ray and Fraser will figure that out once his memory does come back. Be patient with him." Francesca squeezed Ray's arm.
"Be patient… that's what he told me too. But then he started in on these accusations. God, things were going so well. Now, he doesn't want me near him." Ray was pulling at his blonde spikes again.
"Ray…" Frannie placed a reassuring hand on Ray's arm. "Let him have today to think, ok. He's only going to resent you if you are constantly in his face. He needs room to breathe and think. Don't give him a reason to pull further away. If it's space he needs, you have to give it to him."
"Okay… he gets today to sort out his head. But first thing tomorrow, I'm on his doorstep knocking and he better let me in." Ray got himself a cup of coffee and attempted to work on his paperwork he had been promising Welsh before Fraser's accident. His thoughts kept drifting back to Fraser and everything they had overcome as partners. Was he going to end up loosing Fraser to memory loss? He promised himself he would give Fraser the rest of the day to get things straight in his head. Tomorrow morning couldn't come soon enough. He still had Diefenbaker and wondered if he should return him this evening or simply take Dief home with him. Dropping Dief off after work would at least give him a chance to check on Fraser. Ray quickened his pace with his paperwork. He wanted to leave early today.
Fraser was caught up in admiring the beauty of the park when a man sat down on the bench beside him. Fraser smiled and acknowledged him with a quick 'Hello' before returning his gaze back towards the park.
The man stared at Fraser momentarily before speaking. "You don't remember me?"
Fraser quickly turned his head and cringed as his arm protested. He studied the man's face. Something was familiar about him, but he wasn't sure he could recall him from a particular memory. "I'm sorry, no, I don't."
"Oh, god… he tried to hurt you didn't he?" the man asked as he catalogued Fraser's injuries.
"I'm sorry, who are you?" Fraser asked unsure. "Do, I know you?"
The man held out his hand. "I'm Ray…you're partner. I've been waiting to get a chance to speak to you. I heard that you had been in an accident and when I went to the hospital to see you, nobody would let me in. They said someone else by the name of Ray was already in with you. I didn't have my wallet on me to show them my ID, so they forced me to leave. That other guy never left your side so I couldn't see you, but then I saw that he left this morning and I followed you to the park."
Fraser studied the man's face and looked at the offered hand. He did look familiar, about as familiar as the other man claiming to be Ray. Fraser felt ill. He was really confused. He was hoping a trip to the nearby park will help jog his memory, but with the arrival of this strange man claiming to be Ray, he was more confused than ever.
"If you're Ray… who is the other man?" Fraser asked confused. The two men did resemble each other.
"That's my old pal Jimmy. He's bad news, Benton." The man explained. "You don't remember me? Everything we've been through? You have to remember something."
"I'm sorry. My memories the last few days are all a jumbled up mess. Everyone told me he was Ray. I had no reason to doubt them." Fraser explained to the man.
"Everyone as in the doctors, you mean. They are easily fooled. Just flash an ID in their faces and they will let anyone into a hospital room. Once I got there, they wouldn't let me in. I had to wait for him to leave you alone to be able to get close enough to talk to you. We have to get you away from him Benton… he's trouble," the man explained as he surveyed the park. "Come back to my apartment with me, you will be safe there."
"How do I know I can trust you?" Fraser was unsure of himself. He didn't know if he could trust this man or not. Maybe he did have Jimmy and Ray switched.
"My apartment… you remember the chili pepper lights or the turtle tank?" the man asked.
Fraser shook his head 'No'. None of that rang any bells.
"Okay, look." The man held up a key ring and something about the keys registered with Fraser. "Come with me and I will prove that I am Ray." The man held out his hand and Fraser hesitantly took it into his. Something about it was strange but familiar. He followed the man claiming to be Ray to a parked car. He slowly got in and the two made their way to Ray's apartment.
Jimmy let out a wicked laugh when he closed the door to Fraser's side of the car. This had been too easy. He was expecting the Mountie to put up a fight when he sat down next to him on the park bench and was taken by surprise when Fraser admitted to having amnesia. Jimmy thought quickly and set a plan into motion. Pretend to be Ray and get what he wanted all along since he met Benton Fraser, the man himself. He climbed in the driver's seat and drove to Ray's apartment.
Jimmy helped Fraser out of the car and up the stairs to the apartment. He unlocked the door with the familiar key he had used during his stay with Ray. Sure he had given the key back to Fraser the night Ray had punched him, but by that time, he had already made a copy. He pushed the door open with his foot and ushered Fraser in. He knew through the tracking device he had put on Ray's rental car that Ray had not come home yet and had gone to the station instead. Jimmy had plenty of time.
Fraser was looking around and noticed the chili pepper lights above the breakfast bar. He cocked his head to the side as if a memory was making itself known. 'Nothing'. He walked over to the couch and ran his hand over the back of it. Ray's furious kisses quickly entered and then left his thoughts.
He walked to the other side of the couch and sat down. Jimmy sat close to him but gave him a bit of space. "Does anything look familiar?" he asked.
Fraser shook his head no. Something about the couch, but Fraser couldn't pin that memory down. "I'm sorry, no. Not yet."
Jimmy placed a hand on Fraser's thigh and squeezed. "It's okay, Benton. Do you remember anything else about me?"
Fraser looked into Jimmy's blue eyes. "No… nothing. I'm really trying, but nothing about you is registering."
"It's alright Benton… he got to you first and messed with your head pretending to be me. It makes sense that you're confused. But you're safe now. He can't hurt you." Jimmy tried to reassure Fraser and scooted closer on the couch. "Can I get you something to drink? You look like you could use some rest as well."
"Some tea would be nice, thank you kindly." Jimmy got up off the couch and snickered at Fraser's politeness. He went to the kitchen to prepare Fraser's tea. He turned around and saw Fraser staring at him through the opening for the breakfast bar. "What is it, Benton?"
Fraser's stare traveled through Jimmy and into the past. It landed on a conversation about breakfast with Ray. Fraser struggled to remember the details. He remembered sitting on a stool on the opposite side of the counter from Ray.
'I dunno about you Fraser, but an American breakfast does not look or taste like wallpaper paste.'
'That's oatmeal, Ray. It is a staple in the Yukon.'
'It is not. That's an international plot between Canada and Scotland. That,' Ray pointed to the oatmeal, 'Is snot. Face it, Ben, breakfast needs bacon and it needs eggs. So, sit down and eat my American breakfast.'
Fraser smiled fondly at the memory and tried not to laugh. When Ray had kissed him later that morning, he tasted of bacon and eggs.
Fraser locked eyes with Jimmy. "I think… I think I remember you. You made me breakfast… bacon and eggs."
Jimmy grinned triumphantly. "You remembered, Benton! That's great." Jimmy went to the other side of the counter and kissed Fraser.
The kiss was rough; nothing like the other Ray's kiss and Fraser was confused again. He took a step back breaking Jimmy's kiss. "I'm sorry… I'm not ready for that yet." Fraser confessed.
Jimmy was hurt at Fraser's refusal. He took a step back and returned to Fraser's tea in the kitchen. With his back to Fraser he slipped a small white capsule into the steaming tea and gave it a quick swirl with a spoon. "Maybe this will help loosen you up." Jimmy handed the steaming cup to Fraser and followed him to the couch. "That guy must have really messed with your thinking."
Fraser sipped the tea and noted the bitter taste it left on his tongue. "Tell me more about us, Ray." Fraser yawned. "I'm sorry, Ray. I appear to be a little tired."
Jimmy grinned slyly. It was working. Fraser would be out like a light in no time. The shrill ring of the telephone made both Jimmy and Fraser jump. Jimmy made no move to answer it and Fraser found that to be odd. 'Why wouldn't you answer your own phone?'
After the third ring, the machine answered. "Stanley honey, this is mom. You never called me back." Barbara Kowalski's cheerful voice entered the apartment.
Fraser sat up straighter and stared at the phone. This woman's voice was familiar. He shut his eyes and an image of him and Ray kissing on the very couch he was now sitting on came forward. Ray had continued to kiss him as his mother explained her reason for calling. Fraser ran a finger across his lips and opened his eyes. The kisses were different. The one he received moments ago and the one he remembered from the night on the couch, they were not from the same man. Fraser stared at Jimmy while Barbara Kowalski continued on her one sided conversation.
"I know you're probably busy with work. I was wondering how your visit with Jimmy went. Give me call, honey and I want to hear about this Ben you keep talking about. Love you, dear."
The line went dead and Fraser continued to stare at Jimmy. Something was off about him. He remembered earlier this morning when he had asked Ray to leave and Diefenbaker followed him out. Dief wouldn't leave with that man if he didn't already know him. Fraser remembered the numbers Ray had written down that he had placed in his pocket on the way out of his apartment. Fraser stood up and wobbled slightly. He caught himself with the help of the arm of the couch. He reached into his pocket to pull out the numbers.
Jimmy stood up and took Fraser by the arm. "Benton… sit down before you fall over."
"I think I need to get back to my place to lie down. I also need to check on Diefenbaker." Fraser wobbled again. 'The tea… he must have put something in my tea.' Fraser thought to himself as he wobbled again. He tried to grab for the phone but Jimmy easily out muscled him and sat him down forcefully onto the couch. Fraser let out painful cry.
Jimmy snatched the numbers out of Fraser's hand and looked at them. He jerked Fraser to his feet and walked him backwards towards Ray's bedroom. He had a forceful hold of Fraser's good arm as he pushed him through the bedroom door and onto the bed. He snatched Ray's wireless phone off the nightstand and dialed Ray's cell number.
Memories were beginning to fall into place in Fraser's head; the phone call from Ray's mom when they were making out on the couch and the mention of the arrival of Ray's old friend Jimmy. Fraser was beginning to remember. Panic set in as he realized the man he forced out of his apartment this morning was indeed the real Ray. The events leading up to beginning of their relationship were also making themselves clear. He remembered their first night together as Ray backed him into his bedroom with a simple, 'I'm through being just buddies, Fraser.' 'God, I'm such a fool,' Fraser thought as he fought to remain conscious. What was Jimmy planning? The use of Fraser's full first name was what triggered Fraser's memory. He didn't recall Ray ever calling him 'Benton' and the only person he could remember calling him that was Jimmy.
Fraser was pushed down onto the bed as Jimmy tried to kiss him again. With the unknown drug in his system and the injuries to his body, he was unable to fight off Jimmy's advances. His kiss was forceful and his hands were rough over Fraser's body. Fraser knew that Ray's kisses were soft and sensual and his slender fingers were soft to the touch, not calloused and rough like Jimmy's. Jimmy ran his hands underneath Fraser's shirt and up his bruised chest. Fraser held his breath as Jimmy's lips continued their assault. He slid his hand down Fraser's chest and stopped when his rough hands covered Fraser's groin.
"No…" Fraser managed to choke out before Jimmy silenced him with a stinging slap to his already bruised cheek.
"I told you, I always get what I want." Jimmy whispered into Fraser's ear. He picked up the discarded phone from the bed and dialed Ray's cell number. Jimmy laughed when he heard the panic already in Ray's voice when he answered.
Ray recognized the number immediately as his home number and the only person that would be calling him from there was Fraser. But how did he get there? Maybe Fraser was remembering new stuff and was calling Ray to tell him.
"Fraser…" Ray began but was cut off by a wicked laugh. Ray knew that laugh… Fraser was in trouble.
"Ray, Ray, Ray… don't you know that I always get what I want?" Jimmy sneered into the phone. "And what I want… is for you to have to watch as I fuck your boyfriend." Jimmy clicked the phone off and dropped it to the floor. He returned his attention to Fraser. "We're getting company... better get comfy."
