A/N: Okay, so not the end of August… but significantly better than last time, yes?

I'm still not entirely sure what I think about this chapter, but it's been sitting on my computer driving me mad for days so I'm just posting it out to you now and you can tell me what you think!

Just wanted to add that I had a quick look at the stats page and this story is on loads of people's alerts and favourites etc but most of you never review … it would make my day if you would just give me a quick note telling me what you think! Thank you!

13: Discoveries and Apologies

Lily picked at her breakfast absent-mindedly as her mum pottered around her tidying up. It had been five days since her birthday and she had neither seen nor heard from James since. She couldn't sort out the conflicting emotions in her head; while really missing him she was also dreading the next time they would meet because she had absolutely no idea what to say to him.

If she was honest with herself then she should have seen it coming… that flicker in his eyes whenever he looked at her … the way he held her when she was upset … but she couldn't work out how she felt. She couldn't deny that she had felt something when he kissed her … but it was all too much for her to deal with at the moment. She had almost failed her apparition test the previous day because every time she tried to concentrate she kept seeing his face …

In a desperate attempt to distract herself from trying to decipher her feelings, Lily cast her mind mind around for something else to think about. She looked up at her mum and watched her absent mindedly for a moment as she donned a pair of rubber gloves and began to wash up. Lily began to frown … as she looked at her mum something came to the forefront of her mind; the conversation she had had with her before her birthday … about the day her parents had been attacked. The way she had answered Lily's questions had been slightly too rapid; and there had been a look on her face, a look that Lily, preoccupied with her musings about James, hadn't dwelled on.

There was something her mum wasn't telling her.

"Lily, I hope you haven't forgotten that I'm going over to Petunia's in a minute?" Her mum's voice cut into her thoughts making her jump slightly.

Her mum was standing directly in front of her, looking mildly amused at Lily's semi-dream like state.

"Oh." She replied, already feeling guilty about her thoughts, "No, no I hadn't forgotten."

"Are you sure you don't mind that I'm leaving you?" Her mum asked, looking slightly worried.

"It's fine, mum." Lily asured her, smiling, "You go, I'll be alright." And while you're gone I can do a bit of snooping…

"You could always see James while I'm gone couldn't you?" Her mum suggested.

Dear Merlin! Lily thought desperately, Stop talking about him!

"Yeah, maybe." She replied evasively, "Is Petunia picking you up?" She asked, purposely changing the topic.

"Yes, she should be here –" She was interrupted by a horn beeping outside.

"Now?" Said Lily with a grin.

"I'll see you later, love." Her mum said, swooping down on her to give her a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out of the door.

Lily sat still for a moment, basking in the complete silence in the house and once again trying to force James's face out of her mind. She put her face in her hands and it was like James had been imprinted onto the back of her eyelids … the utter dejection that had been displayed on his face after she had told him to leave … the way he had said her name…

"Argh!" She said out loud and sprang up from her seat, determined to keep her thoughts away from James Potter and if that meant some foraging through her mum's things then so be it.

Lily made her way up the stairs and pushed the door to her mum's bedroom open cautiously. Even though she knew her mother wasn't in the house, she still felt her heart pounding in her chest as she stepped into the room. She felt guilty snooping through her mother's things but she knew that if there was something going on then she needed to get to the bottom of it.

After a fruitless search, Lily sat down on the bed and scratched her head absent mindedly. She had been so sure that her mother had been hiding something from here … was she inventing signs? Was she so desperate to have something to distract her thoughts from …

Lily paused mid- thought and stood up slowly, having spotted what looked like a small square shaped piece of cardboard wedged into the top and the back of the wardrobe. Surely it was nothing; but something in her head told her to see what it was, so she reached for her wand and quickly summoned the object. She turned it over in her hands and lightly blew at the layer of dust. Seeing that it was an old photograph, she made to put it back where she found it when a flicker caught her eye.

She sat down heavily on the bed; the picture was moving. Upon closer inspection she had a bigger shock when she recognised that the woman in the photo was a younger version of her mother.

Lily watched the photo, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open. There were only two people in the picture; her mother and a man she did not recognise. They stood arm-in-arm, beaming and occassionally spinning around in each others arms.

--


"Oh, Lily, your school letter's come." Said her mum as Lily wandered into the kitchen in her pyjamas, looking slightly disheveled.

"Oh, okay." Said Lily, reaching for the envelope as she sat down at the table.

"I've made a pot of tea if you want one?" Her mother asked as Lily slit open the envelope and tipped the contents out onto the table.

"Yeah, that would be great – oh my God!"

"What?" Her mother asked sharply.

"I'm Head Girl… they made me Head Girl!" Lily showed her mother the badge, her cheeks flushed with pleasure, she suddenly seemed a great deal more awake.

"Oh, Lily, that's fantastic!" Her mother engulfed her in a huge hug, nearly squeezing the air out of Lily's lungs.

"Your dad would be so proud." She whispered as she released Lily.

Lily smiled and kissed her mum on the cheek, "Thanks."

"Let's have that cup of tea now." Her mum said with a little sniff.

Lily nodded and accepted her mug with a small smile. She desperately wanted to question her mum about what she had found yesterday but decided now was not the time as she noticed unshed tears glistening in her mum's eyes.

"So, I think I'll go and get my books and things today now that my list has come." She said, gesturing to her book list lying on the table, "Are you going to be okay if I go?"

"Of course I will, sweetheart! You go ahead – are you meeting James?"

Lily choked slightly on her tea, "Oh, er, no … no – not."

"Oh, okay. Is he working?"

"Oh yeah, yeah. Working." Lily managed, mentally hitting herself over the head for getting so tongue-tied over the mention of James.

--


Lily shook her head slightly as she apparated into Diagon Alley – that was some sensation she was sure she would never get used to.

She began her shopping, methodically moving down her list and suddenly feeling very alone. She had seen a few of her fellow class mates but it wasn't the same as coming with her friends like she'd done every year since second year.

She sighed slightly as she exited Flourish and Blotts without looking and as a result walked head long into someone. She dopped her bag and cursed under her breath.

"I'm sorry." She said as she gathered her books together and stood up,"I-" She froze as she met the eyes of the person standing in front of her.

"Sirius." She gasped, "Hi."

She felt her heart beat faster, if Sirius was here, did that mean…?

"Lily." He responded after a moment, "What are you doing?"

"Erm – shopping." She replied and held up her bags.

"No, I meant –" Sirius stopped himself and stared at her with the same unreadable expression she had seen on James's face a few times, "You know what –" He started, then stopped himself again and shook his head at her before turning and walking away.

Lily frowned at Sirius's retreating back, then turned herself and began to walk in the opposite direction. What on Earth? Suddenly she was stopped by a hand on her arm. She turned to find that Sirius had come back.

"I wasn't going to do this, Lily, but I can't leave it alone." He stated and pulled her away from the crowds.

"What –"

"James." Said Sirius, "Do you know what he's been doing since your birthday?"

Lily shook her head, suddenly feeling very nervous.

"Nothing. That's what, absolutely nothing. He hasn't left the house, he's just been lying around moping."

Lily felt extreme guily crashing down on her… she'd been cruel. She bit her lip and didn't say anything.

"How could you be so cruel?" Sirius continued and Lily's eyes widened, "The two of you kissed and then you just chuck him out of your life!"

"He told you?" Said Lily, finding her voice.

"Of course he told me – we're best mates, we tell each other things so don't go getting all defensive."

Lily swallowed, Sirius seemed to be having trouble containing his anger.

"I didn't mean to –" She began, "I never wanted to… to-"

"To what, Lily?" Surely you must know how long he's liked you – he would do anything for you."

"I didn't know, didn't realise he liked me like that…" She managed.

Sirius scoffed, "You must be blind or stupid then, Lily, for Merlin's sake!" He exclaimed and blew some air out in a huff, looking extremely fustrated.

"I was going to speak to him." She said quietly after a moment, not quite able to determine if that was a lie or not.

Sirius just looked at her for a second before responding, "Whatever. Look, that's your decision – I've already said far too much … I'll see you at school." He said with an air of finality, turning his back on her and walking away before she could utter a single word in response.

--


I have to talk to him. She told herself sternly, all the while feeling the complete unwillingness of her legs to co-operate with her brain.

She stood stock still, staring at James's house for several more minutes before she could pluck up the courage to move. Taking deep, calming breaths she purposfully strode up the driveway, hoping that no one had been watching her from the windows.

She reached out a shaking hand and knocked on the front door three times. Hard. Stepping back slightly, she waited anxiously, figeting a little with her hands. After a short wait the door opened little more than a crack and a face peered out.

"Lily!" Mrs Potter exclaimed and opened the door wide, "It's lovely to see you dear, do come in."

Lily smiled at the welcome and stepped inside the house, "Thanks."

"We've missed having you around you know, James has been awfully quiet." Mrs Potter commented.

Lily fely herself flush slightly, "Really? Um, I actually came to see James … is he in?"

"Oh yes, dear, I think he's up in his room. Why don't you go on up?"

"Thanks." Lily replied, smiling at Mrs Potter before heading up the stairs towards James's room.

She paused outside his shut door for a second, swalling the large dry lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat, before knocking gently.

She was rewarded by hearing James's muffled voice shout out to her, "Go away, mum."

She winced, "Er – it's Lily." She called back hesitantly.

The door was instantly thrown open and Lily found herself face to face with James. He was staring at her with that unreadable expression on his face and Lily felt the lump in her throat grow larger.

"Hi." She said quietly.

"What are you doing here?" He shot out, surprising Lily with the slightly hostile tone to his voice.

"Um, I, er – wanted to … need to talk to you." She stumbled slightly over her words and when James gave no immediate reply and added, "Can I come in?"

James gave a small sigh but stepped aside, allowing her to enter his room before shutting the door behind her. Lily stood awkwardly as James flopped down onto his bed and watched her as she twisted her fingers together.

"What did you want to say, Lily?" James asked her quietly after a moment of silence had elapsed between the two of them.

Lily took the return of the softness in his voice as an invitation and hesitantly made her way to perch on the edge of the bed next to him.

"Look, James…" She started, before trailing off and biting her lip, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"And it's taken you over a week to say that?" James replied frustratedly, "What do you even mean anyway?"

"I mean what I said," She said slowly, "I'm really sorry for the way I acted… and I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to speak to you."

James ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it up, "So … what now?" He asked her very quietly.

James's eyes caught hers and she felt paralysed in his stare once again. Her heart began to beat faster as she panicked, I can't do this, she thought desperately, I can't deal with this! She felt her face heat up under his gaze and knew she had to say something, anything, before she did something really stupid…

"I can't." She blurted out loudly before covering her mouth with her hand, looking horrified that she'd just almost shouted in James's face. "I'm sorry," She said again, "I just – I mean … this is all a bit…" she whispered, unable to finish.

"Lily." James said soothingly, reaching out and taking her hand in his, he squeezed it gently and didn't let go.

Lily took a deep breath and let him hold her hand, it seemed like any part of him that had been mad at her had disappeared.

"I don't want to lose your friendship, James." She said quietly after a moment.

"You won't." He promised, "I'm always here, remember?" He gave her a lopsided smile and she smiled weakly in return.

Suddenly she heard Sirius's words echo through her head 'You must know how long he's liked you… he'd do anything for you…'

She suddenly felt awkward under his gaze and hoped and prayed she wasn't hurting him. James tugged on her hand and pulled her closer to him.

"Come here." He said and gathered her up into his arms, tucking her head in under his chin and holding her tightly.

Lily let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding and felt herself relax as James held her. They sat like that for several minutes before Lily pulled away from him to look in his face.

"Are we okay?" She asked him.

"Of course we are." He replied, as if the past week had never happened.

"Good." She murmered and paused before adding, "I passed my appararition test."

"Well done." Said James, giving her a quick squeeze, "Although it was hardly doubtful after all the apparating I did with you." He teased.

"Whatever, James." Lily said with a smile, "Oh, there's something else too." She announced.

"What's that?"

Lily rumaged in her pocket before pulling out the small badge that she had been carrying around the last couple of days. She presented it to James with a flourish and a shy smile.

He took it from her and peered at it, "Head Girl?" He said, raising his eyes to Lily, she nodded and he grinned, "Lily, that's incredible – congratulations!" He exclaimed before grabbing her in a bear hug, making her laugh.

He released her and got up off the bed, "While we're sharing news…" He began before summoning something from the other side of the room.

"That's lazy." Lily said, laughing.

James smirked at her and gave her what he had in his hand. Lily looked at it and gaped.

"Is this yours?!" She asked, astonished.

"It is."

"You're Head Boy?"

"Yes." James responded, now laughing at the expression on her face.

"Oh my God, that's amazing!" Lily said, now beaming at him, "I'm so glad it's you … I could have been stuck with a Slytherin." She shuddered at the thought.

James chuckled, "You're going to have to help me though; I have no idea what I'm supposed to do." He frowned and Lily noticed genuine worry flit across his face.

"You'll be fine." Lily responded, "I'm sure the two of us can figure it out together."

James smiled warmly at her and Lily felt herself flush under his gaze. She hated the way her feelings fluxuated so much around him. To keep her thoughts focused she resolved to tell James about what she had found a few days ago. She reached back into her pocket again and pulled out the slightly battered photograph. She smoothed it out and handed it to James.

"What's this?" He asked, taking it off her.

"Have a look." She responded.

James peered at the picture for a moment, frown lines creasing his brow, "Is that … that looks like your mum?" He said in disbelief.

"Exactly." Lily said, "I found this in her room the other day, it was hidden at the top of her wardrobe, collecting dust … I knew she was hiding something from me, I just knew it."

James handed Lily back the photograph, "Lily, you don't think … well, that this has anything to do with, you know … what happened?"

"I don't know." She whispered, staring thoughtfully back down at the photo, watching her mum and the unknown man twirl perpetually together into the sunset.