A/N: I am so excited to finally get this chapter out – it's rather pathetic really. It's been causing me so much trouble that I found myself doing my assignments instead of this when it's usually the other way round! Anyway, if you're reading this then thank you for coming back to the story! I'm going to work really hard on it this month because I'm desperate to get it finished (there are a few more chapters left). Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing and don't forget to review this chapter – it's very motivating!
15: Who Are You?
Lily awoke slowly, feeling sleep ebb away from her like grains of sand slipping through her fingers. She yawned widely and stretched out languorously beneath her covers, keeping her eyes firmly closed as she wished for a swift trip back to the land of dreams. She rolled onto her side and curled up into a ball, listening to the quiet sounds of her friends breathing (or snoring in Jen's case) and felt a small smile gracing her face. Even though she was back at school and was facing impending NEWT exams, had about a million new responsibilities dumped on her as Head Girl – not to mention actual classes and homework … she – well she was glad to be back. Back in the magical world and back with her friends, whom she'd missed so much during the summer; leaving her to turn to … James!
Her eyes snapped open and she froze in her musings. How could she have forgotten about James! She had only fallen asleep last night replaying that kiss over and over in her mind, recalling the feeling of his lips on hers, his hands on her face, running through her hair …
Merlin, I've lost it! She thought desperately to herself, as she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, what am I going to do!
She took a deep breath. Okay. It was not a big deal. So, yes, she may have kissed James Potter last night. And yes, she may have, sort-of-without-words told him she liked him (even though she hadn't actually realised that was the case). But still – it wasn't a big deal … right?
"Oh, Merlin, I need help," she whispered to herself, slapping herself lightly on the forehead.
She glanced around the room at her sleeping friends. Advice. That's what she could do with right about now. Her gaze fell on the gently snoring Jen and she got to her feet, crossing the room as quietly as she could.
Jen had always been the one Lily could go to for advice, ever since they were eleven years old and had met on the Hogwarts Express. She was fun loving and always made Lily see the funny side of things, while at the same time she could be serious when she needed to be, and always gave the best advice. It helped that she was muggle born like Lily; the two of them could often connect in a way that Clare and Hannah (both half-blood) could not.
Lily reached Jen's bed and crawled on, pulling the hangings shut before she began poking her friend.
"Jen, Je-e-en," she wheedled. "Come on, Jen, wake up."
Jen stopped snoring with a splutter and Lily grinned. "Wassamatter?" she mumbled with her eyes still shut.
"Open your eyes," Lily implored. "I need to talk to you."
Jen groaned but opened her eyes, squinting groggily at Lily. "What do you want, Lil? This had better be good."
"Someone's grumpy this morning," said Lily with a small laugh.
"Yeah, well it's early." Jen yawned and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it anyway?"
"Er – about half six, I think."
"Oh, Lily," said Jen despairingly, "you know I never wake up before at least half seven!"
Lily smiled, "I know, I'm sorry. But, like I said, I really need to talk to you about something."
Jen pulled her covers up to her chin and yawned again. "What is it?"
"Er – well …" she paused, unsure of what exactly to say. "It's James," she finally settled on.
"What about him?" Jen asked, blinking at her.
"Ah – we sort of, kind of … maybe –" she spluttered, leaving Jen to raise her eyebrows in confusion. "We – oh … we kissed. Last night."
That got Jen's full attention. She sat up suddenly, her eyes round and sparkling.
"I knew it! I knew there was something going on between you two!"
"Well there wasn't really, not before last night … well maybe there was – but it wasn't, you know…" Lily muttered inarticulately.
"So?" Jen said impatiently, watching Lily fiddle with her hands.
"What?"
"What happened?! What did he say? Is he a good kisser?" Jen asked eagerly.
Lily found herself laughing a little at the look on Jen's face but succumbed, telling her all about what had happened last night. She left out the conversation about the photograph, however. She hadn't mentioned that to anyone, other than James, and when she told her friends she wanted to tell them all together.
"Wow," said Jen, once Lily had finished her tale. "That's hot, Lil." She winked mischievously.
"Jen!" Lily hissed, feeling her cheeks burn, "I don't need your opinion on whether it was … hot. Or not."
Jen grinned wickedly at her, "I don't have an opinion – I know it was hot. And so do you!"
"I need you to tell me what to do!" Lily wailed desperately, flapping her hands slightly and ignoring Jen's comment.
"What to do?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that's pretty obvious isn't it?"
"Obviously not to me," Lily shot back exasperatedly, "or I wouldn't be in turmoil over here!"
Jen laughed, "I'll tell you what to do," she nodded very seriously and looked Lily in the eye. "Go downstairs, say 'hullo, James', then proceed to snog his face off. Good plan, yes?"
Lily whacked her friend in the arm, "I hate you."
Jen's response was to grin at her. "I know. But seriously, Lily – is it really that big of a deal? You like him, he definitely likes you … it's all good from where I'm sitting."
Lily frowned at Jen and bit her lip slightly. "I suppose," she conceded quietly.
Jen slung an arm around Lily's shoulders. "Thatta girl."
"I'm scared, though," Lily murmured.
"What?"
"I'm scared," she admitted, clearing her throat softly. "Mine and James's relationship has changed so rapidly over the last couple of months … I feel a little bit like it's spiralling out of control …"
"James adores you, Lily," Jen reassured her, "any fool can see that. I'm sure he wouldn't push you into anything that you're not ready for."
"You're probably right."
"Yes, I am," Jen reiterated. "So all you've got to do is talk to him … not that scary right?"
Lily shrugged. Jen was right; talking to James wasn't scary.
"I'm making too big a deal out of this, aren't I?" Lily said finally.
Jen smiled at her. "You're just being Lily," was her response.
Lily frowned a little, unsure of how to take that nonchalant comment.
"Are you coming down to breakfast, then?" she asked.
Jen yawned. "Nah, there's still a good half hour nap I can fit in before class, I reckon."
Lily snorted. "Well don't be late," she warned, "I'm Head Girl, remember?"
"How could I forget?" Jen's response came slightly muffled as she had already buried her head back in her pillow.
Lily rolled her eyes but left Jen in peace, picking her way back across the dormitory to get dressed and washed. Ten minutes later she gave up wondering if she would have any company at breakfast as her friends remained firmly asleep and instead headed down the staircase alone.
She was almost at the portrait when she heard someone shout her name. Whirling around, she felt a slight blush creep onto her cheeks as she saw James walking quickly towards her, sporting a wide grin.
"Morning," he said as he reached her.
"Hi," Lily replied stupidly, staring at him. Get a grip Lily!
"Going to breakfast?" James asked after a moment of silence.
"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to breakfast."
James only continued to smile at her as they left the common room and began to walk down to the Great Hall together.
"You're up early," she commented after a moment, wishing for a conversation to take away some of the awkwardness she was feeling.
James pushed his glasses up his nose absently. "Er – a bit, I suppose," he agreed. "I was hungry," he added, as if to justify himself.
Lily felt like he wasn't telling her the whole truth but didn't comment. He hadn't mentioned last night yet and Lily felt like she was about to explode.
"The other idiots not with you?"
"Lily, I resent your implication that I'm an idiot." James informed her, his eyes sparkling.
"I'm not implying anything, James," she paused before adding; "anyway, it's the truth."
She shrieked as James lunged, taking a mock swipe at her, "James!" she said, laughing. "Don't!"
"Don't what?" he asked innocently, grabbing her from behind and holding her to him firmly as he began tickling her.
Lily shrieked again, "s-stop it!" she gasped, unable to stop the laughter from spilling out of her mouth.
James paused and bent to whisper in her ear, "say that you don't think I'm an idiot."
"I don't think you're an idiot." she responded breathlessly, feeling her heart pounding loudly in her chest as his warm breath fanned her neck.
"Good," he breathed into her ear.
Before she could say anything else, she took a sharp intake of breath as she felt his lips against her ear, her jaw … and then he was kissing her neck sensuously. Lily closed her eyes and unconsciously leaned back into him as he tightened his grip on her.
Then, before she even realised he had done it, he had turned her quickly around in his arms and had relocated his lips to hers. Lily sighed into his mouth and clung tightly around his neck as his lips moved deliciously against hers, throwing all coherent thoughts out of the window.
When they broke apart, James was smiling widely.
"Well. That was a good way to start the morning."
Lily blushed, "James … I don't – I don't know …" she stuttered, frustrated with herself for being unable to articulate herself when he was looking at her like that.
"Lily," he said, dropping his forehead to rest against hers, "I'm not going to ask you to be my girlfriend or anything yet. Not if you're not ready."
How was it that he could always tell what she was thinking?
"I don't want it to be like I'm messing you around," Lily whispered.
"It's not, Lily. It's fine," James reassured her. "As long as I get to do this," he kissed her softly, "every so often."
Lily pulled away from him and saw that his eyes were twinkling.
"So, no pressure?" she questioned.
"No pressure."
Lily smiled at him, "thanks."
"No problem," he replied as they began resuming their walk down to breakfast; a much happier Lily and a grinning James, who managed to leave his arm casually draped around Lily's shoulders for the duration of the walk.
--------------------------------------------
Lily and James were halfway through their delicious cooked breakfasts when Lily's friends deigned to join them.
"Hi Lily, hi James," said Clare as the three of them slid onto the bench opposite.
"Morning girls." Lily smiled and James mumbled his greeting through a mouthful of bacon.
Lily snorted. "Don't mind him," she said cheerfully.
Jen grinned at her and Lily hastily averted her eyes, coughing lightly and picking up her glass of pumpkin juice.
"Didn't want to wait for us this morning, Lily?" asked Hannah as she reached across the table for some toast.
"Well I woke up early, so…"
"She obviously wanted to eat breakfast with James," said Jen, causing James to smile into his plate and Lily to flush a delightful shade of pink.
She aimed a kick at Jen under the table which only resulted in the other girl laughing.
The rest of breakfast passed without incident and Lily was relieved that Jen kept her mouth shut in front of James. The girls excused themselves twenty minutes before classes started in order to head back up to the Tower first, where Lily and Jen had both left their bags. On their way up the staircase they passed the rest of the Marauders moving slowly towards the Great Hall.
"There's no way they'll eat and make it to class in time," commented Hannah as the four girls walked quickly through the corridors.
"When do they ever make it to class on time?" said Clare, laughing.
The four girls made short work of the rest of the trip to the Tower, grabbed their bags and headed back down a few floors to the Charms classroom.
"Look at the timing on that!" announced Jen proudly as they turned the corner and joined the end of the line of students filing slowly into the classroom.
"Really great," said Lily, leading the way to their usual seats half way back and rolling her eyes slightly at her friend. "I just know that the day's going to go well now."
"You might laugh, Lily," replied Jen, sitting down and throwing her books haphazardly onto the desk, "but it's all about starting the day positively."
"Lily's already started her day positively," chimed in Clare, leaning over the desk on Jen's left. "She looked pretty happy eating breakfast with James."
Lily felt the heat rise on her cheeks and her embarrassment increased as James himself walked in, smiling in her direction. Her friends howled with laughter, only ceasing as Flitwick called for their attention.
Flitwick was settled into his lecture on the importance of their NEWT exams when Lily saw a piece of parchment pushed in front of her from Hannah's direction. She pulled it to eye level, resigned to more teasing.
So come on; what is the deal with you and James? – H
Lily rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, refusing to reply. It was this defiant act that seemed to attract the attention of her other friends, who instantly pulled the parchment towards them to join in the conversation.
You've got to answer us, you can't avoid us forever. – C
Lily, you're such a meany. – J
Lily snorted at this and finally reached for her quill.
I'm not avoiding you and I'm not being a meany. – L
So?! What's going on?
You can't say it's nothing; we can tell there's something. Plus he keeps staring at you.
He is?
He luuurves you.
I hate you, Jen.
Love you too.
You're blushing, Lily!
I am not!
Yes, you are.
I thought you were all supposed to be my friends?
We are.
That's why you have to tell us everything.
Tell them, Lil.
Thanks!
Jen knows? What is it Jen?
Ha ha ha!
Jen? Lily?!
Yes?
Oh, come on Lily; you have to fill us in!
Or Jen will tell us, won't you?
Ha ha ha!
Oh … alright. But will you please keep schtum?
Cross my heart.
Of course.
We kissed.
No way!
Oh my God! When?
Last night… and this morning…
This morning? Lily, you sly thing!
Are you guys together now then?
Er… not exactly.
You don't give yourself an easy life do you, Lily?
What did he say when you talked to him, then?
Talked? Ha ha
We did talk thank you, Hannah. We're just going to sort of take things slowly, I think. I mean, we're not a couple or anything, so …
I always knew you two would get together.
Really?
I didn't – I thought Lily might have offed him before seventh year to be honest.
Ha ha, me too!
I just never gave him a chance before.
He did use to be a bit of a git though, to be honest.
True!
He's a nice guy now, though.
Yeah. He is.
--------------------------
"Knock it off Clare!" Hannah shrieked as the four girls entered the common room after dinner.
Clare only laughed in response and tucked inside her robes, the plastic spider with which she had been tormenting Hannah for the duration of their walk.
"You're such a baby, Hannah," Jen giggled and threw an arm around her friend, which Hannah immediately knocked off with a huff.
"Stop teasing her," said Lily, bringing up the rear and allowing the portrait to swing shut behind her. Jen and Clare grinned at her and Lily rolled her eyes.
As they walked across the common room Lily spotted a figure sitting alone by the fire that made her stop in her tracks.
She bit her lip nervously and made a quick decision.
"I'll be up in a minute," she called after her friends retreating backs. She got a few strange looks but they conceded, giving her little waves as they headed up the stairs towards their dormitory.
Lily stood for a moment and took a deep breath before making her way over to the comfortable chairs in front of the fire.
Sirius looked up in surprise as Lily hovered by his chair, shifting her feet nervously.
"Hi," she said quietly. "Is it – do you mind if I sit?" She gestured at the chair beside his.
Sirius raised an eyebrow but consented; silently nodding his head and Lily perched on the chair, twisting her hands in her lap. She knew what she wanted to talk to him about, but had no idea how to say it.
"Is there something specific you wanted, Lily?" Sirius asked; his voice slightly dry and his expression unreadable.
"Er, yeah," she began, wishing Sirius Black were an easier person to talk to, "I – well I wanted to talk about James actually."
Sirius leaned back in his chair and seemed to be making himself comfortable. "Oh?"
"Yeah … and, um, what you said the other week – you know, in Diagon Alley-"
She was cut off by the abrupt sound of laughter. Looking up, she appraised Sirius with barely disguised astonishment; was he laughing at her?
Noticing her expression, Sirius stopped laughing and sat forward, an amused smile still playing at his lips. "What's this all about, Lily? Trying to check you're not top of my hit list?"
He began laughing again, this time apparently at his own joke. Lily frowned at him, beginning to feel a twinge of annoyance.
"No," she said, over his chuckles. "I just wanted to see that … find out if you're…" she trailed off, frustrated at herself and annoyed at Sirius for laughing. "Oh, just shut up will you!" she snapped.
"You can sleep easy," Sirius confirmed. "You're not on Hogwarts most wanted list … at least not from my end anyway."
"Oh," Lily responded, feeling her ever red cheeks blossoming into action. "Well, I made up with James anyway, so –"
"Oh, I know."
Sirius was grinning again and Lily's blush deepened as she realised what that grin meant. "Honestly, you lot are worse than girls!" she exclaimed, "what do you do – have a pow wow every night before bed?"
"Ah, but of course. How else would we keep up with the intricate workings of each other's lives?"
"You're mental."
Sirius only laughed in response as he stood up from his chair and stretched. "Oh, Lily, glad we cleared that up," he chuckled, "must be off; nice talking to you!"
He swept around her, ruffling her hair as he went, and began whistling loudly as he strode out of the common room.
Lily stared in his wake for a moment before shaking her head slightly and standing up herself. Well, she thought as she meandered up the staircase to her dormitory, at least I know he's not bearing a grudge with me over James.
Lily pushed open the dormitory door and, deep in thought, walked straight into Jen who was teetering in her high heeled boots.
"Lily!" cried Jen as she fell backwards and landed heavily on the floor. "Ow…"
"What are you doing?" Lily asked, watching as Jen pulled the boots off carefully and held them in front of her.
"You don't like these, right?"
"Those are my boots, Jen!" Lily reached down and snatched said boots out of her friend's hands.
"I know, but I thought you might let me have them," was Jen's response. She struggled to her feet and grinned at Lily.
"Why would I let you have them?"
"Well, you never wear them."
"I do so wear them!" Lily cried indignantly, holding the boots to her chest protectively.
"You're so stingy," Jen announced dramatically and collapsed on her bed.
Lily rolled her eyes and silently made her way over to her own bed, kicking her shoes off and shrugging her school robes off as she sat down. As she folded her robes her fingers brushed against a now-familiar old photograph sticking out of one of the pockets. She slipped it out and stared at it, smoothing her fingers along the creases in an attempt to make it easier to distinguish. She sighed quietly and blew a steady stream of air out of her mouth. She supposed now was as good a time as any to give her friends the full story of everything that had happened that summer.
"Girls?" she called out, causing her friends to all look over in her direction from their various positions in the room. "Could you … would you mind coming over here for a minute? There's something I need to talk to you about."
With a few sideways glances at each other, her friends joined Lily on her bed, looking an interesting mix of confused, intrigued and even slightly apprehensive.
Lily fingered the photograph in her hand nervously. "When I told you all about … about the attack on my parents and the summer … well, there's something else that I haven't told you about."
"What?" probed Clare gently.
In response Lily held out the photograph and Clare took it with slightly wide eyes. "Well, it starts with this really…"
For the next half hour Lily found herself explaining the story (as far as she knew) behind the photograph and what the Aurors had told her about it not being a Death Eater attack. When she had finished her tale her friends were all looking suitably taken aback.
"Crikey, Lil," whispered Hannah, "it wasn't Death Eaters?"
"Apparently not, because there was no Dark Mark," Lily replied.
"I had no idea," chimed in Jen, "I just assumed it was … well like you did at first, I suppose. But why didn't you tell us all this before?"
"I didn't really want to go into detail in letters … can you understand?" Lily paused and watched her friends slightly worriedly, but when they all nodded their understanding she relaxed slightly. "I mean I wasn't on my own with it all or anything; I had James to talk to."
It was a mark of how shocked Jen was that she didn't pick up on that comment to tease Lily and Lily bit her lip; she desperately wanted to ask her friends what they thought about the photograph.
"Have you shown James this picture then?" Clare asked, turning the photograph over in her hands.
"Oh, yeah … I mean, he was there and everything so …" she trailed off, suddenly feeling guilty that James knew all of this ages before her best friends of six years.
"Lily, don't worry about it," Hannah said, putting a hand comfortingly on Lily's arm. "We don't blame you for talking to James about all this."
The other two shook their heads in agreement and Clare handed Lily back the photograph silently.
Lily watched her mum and the unknown man dance for a few moments before she looked up at her friends imploringly. "Don't suppose any of you know him then?"
Her friends looked back at her with equally confused expressions as they all expressed their lack of knowledge. Lily sighed, frustrated.
"Sorry, Lils," Jen said, "but you don't know it's that important anyway, do you?"
Lily gaped. Why did no-one but her seem to realise that the man in this picture could be a vital clue in what happened?
"Jen's right, Lily," agreed Hannah, "that's a really old photo and the attack only happened this summer."
"And your mum's never said anything to you about knowing a wizard," Clare added with an air of finality.
Lily spluttered slightly. "But this is important! I know it is."
"Honey, I think it's best just to let this one lie. Leave the Aurors to do their job, yeah?"
Lily glared at Clare. "Have you and James been collaborating or something? Why does no-one think this is important?"
"James had the same reaction?" questioned Hannah.
Lily nodded reluctantly. "And some crap about getting mixed up in stuff I shouldn't be getting mixed up with."
"That's a good point, Lil," Jen said, "and besides, it's unlikely you would find out who he is from that old photo."
"If you really want to know who he is, just ask your mum," Clare placated.
Lily shook her head, they didn't understand. "I can't. She's been through so much … and it would seem like I was accusing her of … something…" not to mention the fact that it would reveal she had been snooping through her mother's things without permission.
"There you go then," Hannah said, sounding slightly relieved, "it seems like everything's telling you to leave it well alone."
Lily didn't reply; she was getting sick of arguing about this with her friends. Plus, she knew she was right. None of them (James included) knew what they were talking about.
"You're not mad at us are you?" Jen asked her anxiously.
Lily shook her head and her friends all looked relieved. They jumped off Lily's bed and separated to different areas of the room, putting away clothes and books, chatting jovially all the while.
Lily folded the photograph in her hands without looking at it and slipped it back into her pocket. She felt extremely frustrated at both her friends and James; none of them seemed to share her desire to find the truth. She watched absent minded as her friends tossed clothes and insults around with good humour. They didn't have a care in the world, and now that they felt they had quashed Lily's worries, they were back to laughing and joking – obviously expectant of Lily to join in.
She got to her feet slowly, still deep in thought, if nobody wanted to help her find out the story behind the photograph then she would find it out by herself.
"Where are you going, Lil?"
Lily span around on the spot; she had been walking towards the door without even realising it. She sent a weak half smile towards her confused friends and reached out a hand for the door knob.
"I'm going to the library for a bit – you know, get a head start on this work."
Her friends seemed to accept this explanation and happily went back to larking around as Lily stepped out of the dormitory, shutting the door softly behind her.
She was determined to find out who the man in the photograph was. And no-one was going to stop her.
