Chapter 5 Regrets of a Mother
Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy, its characters or plot line.
So has anyone ever wondered what was on Janine Hathaway's mind? I know I did. I know most people like to make her the bad guy, but I'm not so sure she should be. Sorry for the delay in updates. Crazy week at work had to teach 40 teenagers how to make Crepes!! Yikes! I have the next few chapters pretty much ready to go. Should I make you wait??? Am I as Evil as Strigoi Dimitri??? Only time will tell. Please Review. I hope you enjoy it.
Janine POV
I had spent the last few hours in a state of utter chaos. My only daughter was dead. When Guardian Belikov told me they'd taken her I'd broken down into hysterics. Rose was everything to me and the thought of her not knowing how much I truly loved her was heartbreaking.
I'd been and awful mother and a neglectful parent all these years. I had thought recently that I could make up for it and be a part of her life if she would let me and now it was over. Her life was over and I'd missed the chance to know my own daughter one of the two people in this world that I truly loved. I had failed her. All these years she'd been alone, raised by strangers, acting out because I neglected her. I'd never shown her kindness or compassion. The last few times I saw her I'd belittled her, accused her of being promiscuous and given her a black eye. What is wrong with me? How could I have been so cruel.
Even after the last time she was kidnapped and had to kill her friend's murderers I hadn't really been there for her. I held her once on the plane while she'd cried, but I'd never truly talked to her about it. God how she must have hated me. I took a worn photograph out of my wallet. It was of the two of us taken right before I brought her to the academy. She was just about four years old. She was smiling at me and her eyes were sparkling. It was sadly the most recent photograph that I had of the two of us together.
I thought back to the first day I dropped her off at the academy. She was barely four years old the youngest age at which a novice or moroi would be granted admittance into the academy. She had cried her eyes out and clung to me. I tried explaining to her that it was for the best that I loved her and that this is the way it had to be, but I was stupid what four year old would see it that way? All she saw was her mother abandoning her with strangers. The separation had been difficult for me as well and I cried myself to sleep many nights. I didn't see her again for over a year.
That first time after was Christmas and I had gotten a short leave from Lord Seltzky to check on her. She had grown so much and I missed her dearly and the look on her face and the light in her eyes when she saw me made me break down into tears. I decided then it was too much and I didn't go back to visit for another three years. By this time she was eight and she resented me. She didn't hug me or even look at me. It felt awful and this time I'd stayed away longer. I'd always blamed not being able to see her on my guardian duties, but in all reality I could have asked for vacation and Lord Seltzky would have granted it. It just hurt me too much to see her for such a short time and then be torn away again. I also saw a lot of her father in her as she'd gotten older and to be honest that was quite painful for me as well as I was still in love with him.
I'd seen her a total of three times after that. Once when she was eleven and once at fourteen. Both times she'd given me death glares and told me she hated me and to never come to see her again. It broke my heart for her to hate me so much so I did as she asked and stopped visiting.
Then I got word that she and the Princess had broken out of the academy. I was angry that she would do something so stupid and reckless. At first I wasn't so worried. I thought they would be caught in less than a week, but as a week turned into a month turned into a year I was worried out of my mind. Those two years were the worst of my life not knowing if she was alive or dead. It was after a year of her being gone that I accepted that I'd have to make a most dreaded phone call. I'd called her father Ibrahim to tell him that she'd disappeared from the academy. He was of course still angry with me for a lot of things, but letting her escape was inexcusable. He'd lit into me about how if I'd been around for her more of if I'd let him be a part of her life that she would be safe. I can't help thinking now that maybe he was right.
The day I received the call from Dimitri Belikov, a fellow guardian that I'd met several times over the years telling me that he'd found Rose and the Princess and brought them safely back to the academy was one of the best days of my life. I took leave immediately and went to check on Rose. I didn't allow her to see me or know that I was there, but I watched her secretly training with Guardian Belikov and I was very proud of the progress she'd made.
Right now I was about to make the worst phone call of my life. I was going to call Ibrahim, the love of my life and Rose's father to tell him that I'd failed yet again as a mother and allowed our daughter to be killed on my watch. Ibrahim was a good man and I loved him dearly, but I was so young and I thought I'd made the right decisions for myself and for Rose by keeping him away, but maybe she would still be alive if I hadn't kept her from him.
The line was ringing. I took in a deep, shaky breath and tried to hold in my tears.
"Mazur." Came his gruff voice across the phone.
"Ibrahim?"
"Who is this." He barked in Turkish.
I froze. I couldn't speak. How could I tell him?
"He repeated his question sounding annoyed."
"It's Janine." I managed.
"Oh." His voice softened a little.
"How are you?" he asked
"Not so good." I said.
"Tell me what's wrong my sweet?" Even after all these years he still called me his pet names that he used to have for me. That made me want to cry even more.
"Has Rosemarie gotten into more trouble?" he asked.
I broke down into sobs.
"Janine?" he questioned with concern.
"She's gone Ibrahim." I croaked.
"Where to this time?" he sighed exasperated. He thought I meant she'd run off again. I wished it were that simple.
"No Abe. She's dead." I choked out between sobs.
There was silence on the line for almost a minute. I thought he'd hung up and then I heard a sharp intake of breath.
"How did it happen?" he asked his voice thick with emotion.
"Strigoi attack on the school." I managed. "There were more than 50 strigoi. They broke the wards."
He gasped.
"You'd be proud she killed at least twenty." I said trying to stop crying.
" That's my girl. Going down with a fight." He said softly. I could tell he was hurting even though he never met her. I'd sent photos the few I had and he donated money to St. Vladimirs and asked them for yearly updates on her grades and activities.
"I'm sorry." I broke down again.
"For what my sweet?" he asked being so nice to me again.
"For letting you down, for letting Rose down, for keeping her away from you for not protecting her."
"The past is the past Janine. You can't change it." He said. "I must go. Be well my sweet." And he hung up.
I broke down again and just lay on a bed in guest housing too full of pain to do anything else.
