The only thing stopping me is me.
I don't remember falling asleep. I remember running into my room, slamming the door, crying and burying my head in the pillow- I guess sleep was kind of predictable.
I look like a mess though. My eyes are still red and puffy, I'm wearing an old pair of sweat pants, and my hair is everywhere. I run a brush through my hair and go lay on the couch. I curl up into a ball and feel a headache coming on.
Ding Dong! Our door bell sounds. I take a deep breath and walk slowly to the door. I don't bother to look through the peep hole- I wouldn't mind being kidnapped and killed by some creeper right now.
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair you know.
I pull my phone from my pocket and stare at it.
Ding Dong! The door bell sounds again.
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do, tonight.
"Dammit!" I scream and throw open the door. "What the hell do you want?!" I haven't even looked at the person at the door, but I don't want to talk to them.
"Whoa! Chill, it's just me." Jake puts up his hands to show surrender.
"Sorry." I rub the remaining tears from my cheeks.
"Whoa, whoa, what's wrong?" Jake looks concerned.
"I don't- I don't know. I just don't- I don't want to." I say.
"Don't want to what?" Jake lifts my chin so I have to look into his eyes.
"Love- I don't want to love him."
"Who?" Jake get's a protective look in his eyes.
"Seth. I don't want to care about him. I don't want to feel bad when I hurt him. I don't want to get hurt again." I start crying again.
"Oh, Kait, Seth would never hurt you." Jake wraps an arm around me in a brotherly way.
"I don't want to love him…" I sob.
Tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did ya make it to the milky way to see the lights are fading and that heaven is over rated? Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star-
My phone rings in my hand but I don't even look at it. I don't move.
Jake takes the phone, "Hello? No, this is Jake. I don't think so, but I'll ask her. Yes I know." He pulls the phone away from his ear, "It's Seth. He says he's been trying to get up with you all morning. He wants to see you. Do you want to talk to him?"
I blink a couple of times, I head feels like a have a hang over. I shake my head no, "Not really, but give me the phone anyway." I take the phone. "Hello?"
"Gezz, I thought you were avoiding me or something. I had to use three different phones to reach you-"
"Seth-"
"Did I say something to upset you-"
"Seth list-"
"I didn't mean to upset you-"
"God dang it Seth!-"
"I've never ever meant to hurt you, ever-"
"SETH!" I scream.
"Ya?"
"Listen to me! I shouldn't have just walked out like that."
"No, you had ever right to."
"You okay now?" Jake ask me. I nod.
"No I didn't. You deserve better than that."
"I wish you would stop saying that."
"Well I ain't a genie so keep on wishing and I'm serious. I'm sorry, but you have to understand I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm not that kind of person."
"You could be though… right?"
"I don't think so. I can't even admit that I love you."
"You love me?"
"I don't know! I can't deal with all of this!"
"Let me help you."
"Last time I 'let' you do something I had an emotional break down!"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be! It's me. It really is. I'm not like you. I can't see the bright side."
"Your not dead." He offers.
"But sometimes I wish I was- and that's the thing, I don't wish that when I'm with you. And I can't stand that. I hate that I have feelings for you. I don't deserve someone as good as you."
"But I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy. Why can't you want that?"
"Because if I do, I have to admit to feeling, and if I admit to that I open myself up to get hurt."
"I will never hurt you."
"That's what everyone says. It's not something you can control Seth, life happens."
"Please stop pulling away from me." His eyes are so longing. "Let me love you."
I'm silent for a long time. I want him to. I really do. I want to sleep in his arms again, I want to kiss him again, but I don't want to hurt again. "I don't know Seth." I say. "If I break again, I don't think I'll be coming back… ever."
"I won't ever hurt you." His voice is stern, he wants me to believe him so badly.
"I know." I say.
"Please."
In a perfect world this could never happen. To want someone so badly and I'm the only one stopping it. Because of fear of all things. I look into his eyes, dark black circles trace pale gray. I can't forget the things he said, the things he promised, the promises he can't possibly keep. But I'm curious, is it possible? Can he truly keep his promise? The awkward silence is killing me. I cave into that small part of my heart and fall into his arms. "Please don't be a lie." I whisper to myself.
