I pulled away abruptly, my fantasy dissolving as I opened my eyes to see a very excited Jacob hovering just over my naked body in the moonlight. His face looked immediately confused when he saw my uncertainty and I was hit with an enormous sense of guilt. What had I just done? Thinking about Edward while Jacob was bringing me to orgasm? What kind of twisted girl was I?

I shook my head as my breathing slowed, trying to clear my thoughts as Jacob resumed his caresses, placing tentative kisses on my stomach as his eyes watched me, gauging my reaction. His eyes were so full of concern; of love…it made me feel even more horrible. Before I could stop it, a tear slid from the corner of my eye, and Jacob stopped what he was doing and looked aghast.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, trying but failing to hide the disappointment in his voice.

No, I wasn't okay…I was a horrible person. But I wouldn't let that affect Jacob. Not tonight. Not ever again. I would rid my mind of Edward Cullen — Jacob deserved that. I met his eyes, and couldn't bear the hurt that was welling there as he gazed at me. I smiled and stroked his cheek.

"I was just thinking about how wonderful you are. Please don't stop, Jake. It feels so good." It did feel good — I felt so loved by him. And right then and there, I made the decision that, before the night was over, Jacob would feel that way too. He would feel loved.

I eased back into the water and pulled myself to Jacob's chest. His erection, which had started to ebb slightly, twitched against my stomach. I tilted my head up to meet his lips, and as I ran my tongue against his, one of my hands slid down his muscular stomach until it reached the elastic of his boxers. I tugged them down firmly and his arousal sprang free, brushing against my wrist as I pushed the material lower and straightened up. My fingernails trailed back up the front of his thighs and he hissed softly as I gently rubbed circles in the hair just above his massive member. With a quick breath, I grasped him in my hand — he was much larger than I imagined and his skin was burning hot. My body responded instantly. He groaned loudly against my lips and whispered, "Oh, Bella…"

I moved my hand hesitantly, up and down the length of his member a few times, unsure if I was doing it right. He responded with a growl, twitching his hips slightly with every stroke. His own hands traced along my sides and came around to cup my breasts firmly. My breath hitched and I let go of his erection to move my hands to rub his muscular backside, pulling him hard against me as he pinched my nipples. Every pinch made me buck my hips against him involuntarily. I could feel his heat against my swollen, slick core, and with a final thrust of my hips, the tip of his hardness grazed my entrance. We both gasped and broke our kiss to stare at each other. I was trembling over the unexpected contact, and his dark eyes rendered me silent.

Jacob took a few deep breaths before he continued. He leaned me back gently against the side of the hot spring and I raised my hands over my head. Jacob grasped one breast, squeezing it lightly, bending down to suck its sensitive peak. His other hand grasped his erection, and he brought it against my slick center. I sat up suddenly, stammering a bit, but he silenced me with a soft kiss, murmuring, "Don't worry, Bella. Just lay back."

His eyes met mine and I knew he understood the hesitation. Even so, I wanted to feel him slide inside of me — every inch of my body screamed out for him to thrust into me, filling me completely; my hips rose to rub my throbbing core against his fiery skin, against my better judgment — but my vision of Edward forced me to keep a clear head, because I wasn't ready.

He dipped just the tip of his enormous shaft into my wet opening, swirling it around my juices. I moaned as he did, and then cried out in surprise when he rubbed himself up and down my folds, pausing at my swollen clit to massage the head of his hard member back and forth rapidly.

"You're so wet for me, Bella," he moaned, a rumble growing in his chest. "You don't know how much I wish I could be inside of you…I want to feel you. So warm...God, honey…I can't…" His voice caught as I silenced him with a fierce kiss, pushing him until his back was against the edge of the steaming pool. I licked his upper lip while my hands grasped his maleness firmly and brought it against my center. I rubbed it against me, feeling how easily it slid against my skin, up and down my folds. I was so wet.

"Jacob," I whispered; my voice deeper than usual. "Mmm, it feels so...ooh...so good to have you against me like this." He growled softly. "You made me come," I said in a low voice, "and I want to do the same thing for you." The growls grew louder, and a primal look was in Jacob's eyes. I moved my hips up and down, pressing his erection against my folds, rubbing him in my wetness. "Do you like that?"

Jacob's growl became a quiet snarl as he nodded, bracing his hands behind him against the side of the spring. His eyes were dark now, and wolfish. His upper lip actually rose and his teeth glinted white in the silvery light. I stepped back so I could put my hands on him again, holding him firmly and moving my hand up and down his length. I looked down in the shallow water and could see him as my hands worked.

Jacob was huge. He was also slippery from my fluids, and it made my hand movements glide easily. Tentatively, I took my other hand and cupped his balls, ran my fingers along the insides of his thighs, explored every inch of his intimate areas I could. His sounds intensified and his hips jerked. As my fist moved on him, I leaned forward so my breasts lightly pressed against his stomach and kissed his chest. My lips tickled as they felt the rumbling from his growls, which were growing louder and louder. From the corner of my eye, I saw his knuckles turning white as he grasped the side tightly.

"Bella!" his eyes were wild. "Oh, fuck...Bella," he roared into the night air as his hardness twitched in my hands and I knew he was peaking. With a gasp, I was crushed against him roughly, his strong arms feeling like a vice on my torso and his hips grinding against me forcefully. I felt like I would break in two and clawed frantically at his chest and shoulders as he trembled against me. My eyes clouded with stars and I went slightly limp.

His face finally registered what he was doing and he released me, embarrassed horror on his face. I took a deep, shaky breath and he steadied me with his strong arms.

"I'm so sorry, Bells!" he said in shock. "I don't know why I did that…are you okay?"

His hands roamed along my body — if I hadn't still been throbbing in pain, it may have turned me on. I turned from side to side, straining to see my hips and back. I would be bruised in the morning. I turned to see Jacob with his hands fisted in his hair, muttering. "So stupid! Way to ruin a moment, Jake."

I reached up to take his hands away from his head. "I'm fine, Jacob. Seriously, it's okay." After a moment, he relaxed, and gently held me against his body. "I think you were responding to your wolf instincts there — I don't think it was a conscious reaction."

"Even more reason to be worried, Bella!" he exclaimed. "I don't want to hurt you...I'd...well, I'd rather die than hurt you like that. I think I'm going to talk to Sam about it and see if its something I can control for next time…"

I stopped him with a squeeze. "Next time?" I couldn't help asking, a smile on my face and a blush in my cheeks.

His russet skin flushed too. "Well, yeah…if you want to."

I may have been unsure about my lingering feelings for Edward, and about where I wanted to be in my relationship with Jacob, but there was one thing of which I was sure. The physical aspect of a relationship was better than I could have ever imagined. And I wanted more.

I felt a split second of sadness that I had never experienced that with Edward, which was quickly replaced with anticipation for future encounters with Jacob.

"I can't believe that actually happened," Jacob was saying with a soft chuckle. "I wasn't expecting it to go that far. And hearing you say that you love me…" He sighed. "It's more than I could have ever hoped for."

I winced internally at the guilt that rose quickly to interfere in what should have been a tender moment. It hadn't been Jacob I had been professing my love for.

"I knew you wouldn't stop me, and I didn't want to stop myself — it felt too good." I looked down, trying to keep my turmoil from being apparent. "Do you really think we were ready for all that?" I whispered. "It was amazing...so amazing, but we've only been together for a little while..."

"Bella, I've been with you since the beginning," Jacob told me softly, meeting my eyes. Seeing my hesitation, he faltered and his face fell. "Do you regret it? You're not…upset or anything, are you?"

Looking at the panic and worry on his face, I shoved any uncertainty back, ignored the vampire pictured in my mind, and smiled at Jacob. "Of course not, Jake. It was wonderful. I…just don't want to ruin what we have by complicating it with all this physical stuff too quickly. You're too important to me…"

Jacob's voice was gruff in my ear. "Oh, Bella. It won't, it won't! I feel closer to you than I ever have…God, I love you so much, honey." Tears welled in my eyes as we held each other close and I allowed his professions of love to sink in. Edward remained fixed in my thoughts.

I didn't respond.

***

Jacob took me home, wearing a permanent smile the entire time. We were an hour early, to which he joked about "bonus points with Charlie."

At my front porch, I kissed him tenderly as he assured me he would be on patrol for the rest of the night and that I should get a good night's sleep. The moment I was inside, I raced for my room, tears already forcing their way down my cheeks as I fought to stifle the sobs rising in my throat.

I felt like the vilest person in the world. My heart had betrayed me — making me think I was over Edward and it was safe to move on with Jacob. And now it was too late to turn back. I would have rather died than to hurt my Jacob, but I should have stopped us before we took such an important step. I hadn't been emotionally ready, even if my body had been begging for it. Why hadn't I stopped things?

Involuntarily, my guilt dissolved into despair as I realized that I would never experience something so amazing and erotic with Edward. The hole ripped open once again and I dropped to my knees.

"No, no, no…stop it, Bella," I said out loud, covering my ears and shaking my head. I forced the hole closed. "He's gone, and he wouldn't have done anything like that with you even if he were here!"

Now what? I absolutely wouldn't break up with Jacob, but it was clear that I still wasn't able to give him my whole heart. I was disappointed in myself — Jacob was still playing second fiddle, and that was so unfair for him. But at the same time, I wanted to be utterly selfish and keep experimenting with my werewolf boyfriend — I had never felt such intense pleasure in my entire life.

More importantly, I wanted to see if the love I did have for Jacob could heal me — mend the hole in my heart until it didn't open anymore — and if it could grow to eclipse that hurt I had experienced. I recognized that I had a long way to go. My thoughts of Edward had taken me by surprise. Edward. I sighed. Thinking of him now, there was an aching pain, a sad yearning and feelings of regret. I glanced over to the corner of my room, where he had remained so many evenings while I slept.

"It should have been you," I whispered to the empty rocking chair, my eyes welling up again. "Why wasn't it you? Why did you leave me? I'm so angry with you…sometimes I don't know whether this passion I feel in my soul is from love or hate!" I cringed, quiet for a few moments, almost as if I were waiting for a response.

"Love," I finally admitted in a low murmur. "Damn it, it's still love…"