I woke up Monday morning feeling like I had taken several steps backwards. The intense pain that had been my constant companion for months was no longer all-consuming — perhaps I had grown beyond that — but I was still conflicted. This time, only a few days before, I thought I had finally figured out my life. Now I felt uneasy, like I had done something shameful. I wouldn't dare voice that thought to Jake though. I had only spoken to him once since, and our phone conversation that afternoon had been filled with his joyous sighs and murmured affections. I had remained a bit more reserved.
I still missed him though. This weekend had been rough. Sam was running the pack night and day, trying to locate the strange scent they had come across while chasing Victoria. Between patrols, finishing the homework I had neglected during my spring break, and my job at Newton's, we rarely had the opportunity to see each other. However, Jacob had been able to schedule a "day off," and we had made plans for him to sneak in my window Tuesday evening after Charlie fell asleep — just the thought of us alone in my dark bedroom filled me with a flush of panic and, even though I tried to deny it, excitement.
Despite all of my emotional turmoil, our tryst had been replaying in my head all weekend, frustrating me with a constant aching deep in my stomach. I found my mind wandering to thoughts of soft caresses, ragged breathing, and waves of bliss in my core. My hips and back were sore and bruised, but I couldn't help smiling as I ran my fingers across the yellowing blotches in the shower.
Monday night, I could no longer stand it. I had gotten home from work an hour earlier, and had decided to go to bed a bit early. Charlie was immersed in the NIT tournament and barely heard me call a quick "good night" on my way to my room. I locked the door softly and crawled into bed, feeling warm all over. I had never done anything like this before, but I was desperate to feel that release again.
Closing my eyes, I started to think about Jacob. His russet skin, rippled with muscles and hot to the touch. I slid my hand into my bra tentatively, brushing lightly against my nipples — the way it felt when his lips wrapped around my nipples and the surprisingly silky texture of his manhood against my fingers. My other hand pushed aside the elastic of my panties to stroke my already-wet folds. Mmm, the feeling of his tongue teasing my clit. I rubbed and carefully pinched my sensitive nub, working to relieve the tension building in my loins. The way he felt when he slid against me…
Damn it. Something wasn't working.
I sat up, frustrated. I wasn't feeling what I thought I should. It wasn't escalating like it had when I had been with Jacob. With a groan, I turned out my light and snuggled into my covers. My anger with myself faded as I slipped into an uncomfortable slumber.
***
I woke suddenly only a few hours later, a light sheen of perspiration making my skin cool. My dream was forefront in my mind — I remembered fleeting thoughts of cool fingers brushing against my skin. I closed my eyes again, but instead of going back to sleep, I slipped my hand below the waistband of my pajama shorts, seeking immediate and necessary release. I pushed the guilt aside and concentrated on the pleasure. I was surprised at how slick I still was.
His marble body, cool and hard, shimmering in the light. I slid my fingers gently up and down my folds, trembling at the sensation. His icy lips and tongue tickling the hollow of my throat. Two fingers glided easily into my opening, and I lifted my hips toward the pressure. Oooh, his chilled breath in my ear. My breathing sped up as I rubbed my palm against my clit, sliding my fingers in and out of myself rapidly. I wonder how it would feel to have his hard, cool length thrusting in and out of me… A low groan started in my throat as flames began licking at my core, urgently.
"Mmm, Edward," I moaned, "Edward, Edward…oooohhhhh." My low cry rumbled deeply as I felt my muscles tighten against my fingers and a flow of silky moisture escape around them. A teardrop escaped my eyes at the same time.
***
Angela seemed to know something was wrong the minute she saw me at school the next morning. Several times I started to talk to her about my problems, but always stopped, wondering how on earth I could possibly explain things. You see, Angela…my old boyfriend was a vampire and my new one is a werewolf… Each time I avoided going any further in the conversation, her eyes were full of understanding, but I knew she wanted me to confide in her so she could help.
Besides all of the unbelievable aspects of my recent relationships, there was the embarrassing subject of sex. Looking at Angela and Ben, their love was so evident, but I couldn't imagine them doing anything like that — not even the more intimate activities that led up to it. They seemed too sweet and innocent. So I let my guilt linger without any relief.
Finally, on the walk out to the parking lot at the end of the day, she turned to Ben. "Could I have a few minutes alone with Bella? Girl talk…," she explained with an easy smile, pecking his cheek quickly and turning to me, her face sympathetic as he walked away behind her. When he was out of earshot, she took a deep breath.
"Bella, please tell me what's bothering you," she said, reaching over to squeeze my hand as we stood next to her car. "You seem like you need a friend right now…I know something's going on."
I sighed. Angela was so perceptive — and caring. "You're right…I do need a friend. It's kind of funny…I always had this one great friend I could confide in when I had a problem, but now the problems are with him, so it's hard." My lip trembled as I continued. "I think I made a mistake, and it's really embarrassing. I don't know if I can tell you about it — I don't want you to think badly of me."
She shook her head with a soft smile. "Bella, I would never. I want to be here for you — I understand how much you've been through lately. I know that when the Cullens left…" I flinched and Angela rubbed my arm as she continued. "When they left, I could see that you were in so much pain, and you always seemed like you didn't want to even think about it. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to hurt more. It killed me to keep quiet." Her eyes sought mine. "But something has changed. You seem better. And I don't want anything to make you go back to the way you were after he left. Please, let me help you…if I can."
I knew then that I could confide in her.
"I've been dating Jacob," I told her, and she smiled, knowingly. "And he's wonderful and exactly what I need right now. He takes such good care of me, and I never doubt how he feels. I love him, I really do…but…"
"But he's not Edward," Angela said quietly. Hot tears stung my eyes as I nodded.
I took a deep breath. "We…I mean, Jacob and I…well, we fooled around this past weekend."
Angela's eyes never left my face. "What happened?" she whispered.
My face turned red but I continued. "Well, we didn't…do, um…it, but we did some stuff. I'm not sure we were ready for it. In the moment, it felt right, but now I think it might have been the wrong thing to do. Our relationship is so new…and Jacob's so young and I'm pretty inexperienced. I'm having all of this guilt too, because I can't stop thinking about him."
"You mean Edward?" she asked soothingly. I nodded.
"And because of that, I'm pretty sure I wasn't emotionally ready for so much intimacy with Jacob… It was more than I've ever done with Ed—…with anyone before," I said, blushing furiously.
"Wait, you mean you and Edward never…" her voice trailed off as I winced.
"No…Edward was always a perfect gentleman. Too much of a gentleman, actually," I smiled bitterly. "We only kissed. And even then, it was always very innocent. I always wanted to be more intimate with Edward, and we were, in ways that were completely non-sexual." I cringed at the words, and whispered uncertainly, "But I always wanted it. Maybe that's why I thought of him when I was with Jacob."
Angela looked astonished, and I nearly regretted my words. But after a pause, I heard her say, "Go on."
"Well, now I don't know what to do. I want to try to move on, and I know that Jacob is the best option for me," I explained. "And, I am pretty sure I could feel real passion for him…I mean, when we were, um…together…it was incredible. I've never felt so good. And I was totally having that new-relationship fluttery feeling whenever Jacob was near…then all of these thoughts of Edward started up and got in the way. Jacob is my best friend. I love him. And it's not fair for him to have to fight for me against someone who's not even here anymore."
Angela was quiet for a moment, absorbing what I had told her. Finally, she said firmly, "Do you really want to know what I think?"
I nodded and braced myself.
"I think you're overthinking this situation," Angela said matter-of-factly. "Edward's gone, right? He gave up any claim he had on you. You shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe you should try enjoying this new relationship a bit more. Have some fun and let loose! Otherwise, you're going to drive yourself crazy every time Jacob kisses you."
"But it's not fair to Jacob! He's so wonderful…shouldn't he be with someone who isn't in love with a memory?"
"Stop it," Angela said firmly. "Bella, you're not a bad person! You shouldn't beat yourself up over this."
"But I…"
She stopped me with a concerned look. "Please listen. You're trying to find the same feelings for Jacob that you felt for Edward, and you're just going to fail." My mouth dropped open. "But Jacob and Edward are different people and your relationships with them have always been different. Edward seems like he was always your love…you didn't know him any other way. You were just realizing a lot of the "friend" aspects with him that really makes a relationship great. And Jacob has always been your friend. It will take some time and some growth to understand how to be "in love" with someone who's always been your friend. You have to let those feelings grow…and it will probably be confusing for a while. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Trust me, falling in love with a friend is a wonderful thing."
She smiled happily, probably thinking of Ben.
I was struck by two things as Angela finished talking. First, that she was absolutely right, and second, that I had never realized my relationship with Edward had been lacking some of the friendship that I seemed to crave when I was with Jacob.
"But is it possible to feel that love again, Angela? I just can't imagine…"
"I don't know. I've never felt anything like what Ben and I have together. But we're also young. If this doesn't work out, I'll be heartbroken, but it doesn't mean life is over for me. But at least I know now that I'm a person capable of that kind of love." She smiled over my shoulder at Ben, who was hovering out of earshot. "But between you and me, I hope it does work out."
I gave her a quick hug and we both laughed lightly. "Thanks, I really appreciate you listening to my problems, Angela."
"Don't mention it," she shrugged. "Do you want to go study together? I think Ben and I will be working on some Calculus homework with Tyler."
"I'd actually love to, but I'm meeting Jacob tonight and I want to have dinner ready and my homework done so I can turn in at a decent hour. We'll have to make plans to go on a double date soon, though." She nodded enthusiastically and I hugged her once again before making my way to my truck.
I felt more light than I had in months as I settled behind the wheel and reached for the ignition. Angela couldn't understand all the complexities of my situation, but she nailed my confusion with pinpoint accuracy. I felt clear-headed and started my drive home, looking forward to enjoying time with Jacob.
