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I also want to thank mrsz (Charity), my super-beta who helped me immensely with this chapter. Edward and Carlisle's conversation was partially written by her!
**
EPOV
What just happened? Did I really just say those things to Bella?
As Bella's form disappeared on the back of my leaping sister, all I could see in my mind's eye was the wounded pain that had pooled in her chocolate eyes from my regrettable words. I caused that pain…
When my vampire vision could no longer see them, a guttural wail erupted from deep in my chest and I collapsed onto my knees, clawing at my face in utter despair. Next to me, Jasper's knees wavered as the force of my anguish hit him fully. He moaned and tried to counter the intensity of my feelings, but nothing could help.
In the span of my existence, I had lost my living family, my life, and my humanity, but nothing compared to the pain of losing my heart…my love…my Bella.
I curled up amid the splinters and pieces of the kitchen island I had destroyed in my rage, my body betraying me with violent spasms and involuntary screams. The hurt was physical — more agonizing than the venom that changed me in 1918. Every millimeter of my body was aflame, yet every sense seemed shut off at the same time. I was trapped in a pit of overwhelming nothingness.
"Jasper," my wild voice begged. "Help me…oh my God, please!"
The grimace in his voice was unmistakable. "I'm trying, Edward…" He knelt at my side and put a trembling hand on my arm, groaning from the pain reflected by me. The spot where his skin met mine cooled instantly and I began to feel an edge of relief. Not enough by any means, but it allowed me to open my eyes and focus on my brother. His forehead was creased in stress.
I lamented his expression, feeling guilty that he had to suffer as well. I concentrated on calming my emotions, for Jasper's sake. When I was out of his range, I'd allow myself to succumb again.
"Jasper," I whispered, the words stinging as they exited my mouth. "What have I done?"
"You insulted Bella," he replied, his voice stronger but tired. "I understand the emotion behind it, but I must say I was surprised by your words to her. You hurt her, Edward."
"I hurt her," I repeated. "Not just today…when I left, too. I saw her in the dog's mind when Carlisle was tending to him…I saw how she suffered. I did that to her." I covered my face with my hands — a very human reaction to block myself from the world. "She can't hate me any more than I loathe myself."
"Bella doesn't hate you, Edward," Jasper said. "She loves you. I could feel that. She feels guilty because she still loves you, but it's undeniably there."
I didn't allow his words to give me any glimmer of hope. I knew Bella and her wonderful stubbornness. I knew she meant everything she said to me. And I knew that I had messed up — so badly. Whimpering quietly, I sat up slowly and wrapped myself in a compact ball, as if I could hold in all of my hurt to keep it from Jasper.
I winced as I thought of my words to her. I'm shocked at you. You would cheapen yourself like that? I hadn't meant what I said, truly. I had just never experienced such devastating emotional pain and reacted without thinking. I reacted horribly…like a jealous human teenager.
What are you going to do? Apologize? Jasper's thoughts were sympathetic, yet they flickered to what I had said to Alice, and I knew he was upset as well.
I nodded weakly. "And she's not the only one who deserves one," I responded. "You all do. I'm…I'm a fool." I sighed, and upon inhaling again, the intimate scents of werewolf and Bella teased my throat with their horrific truth. I fell forward again, pressing my face against the debris-covered floor. "What will I do? What can I do?" erupted painfully from my mouth, all of my emotion behind the agonizing words.
A voice from the doorway jolted me out of my self-loathing for a moment. "For one, you can stop being so damn melodramatic and making us all miserable." Rosalie's tone was harsher than usual. She hurried to Jasper's side and checked him to make sure he was handling the intensity of my emotions without hurting himself in the process.
"Rose…you don't understand," I groused.
"Like hell," she spat back, her nostrils flaring. "I can smell the two of them all over this house. So, innocent little Bella's not that innocent anymore, huh?" My lip lifted in a painful snarl and I felt myself shift up into a crouch. Rosalie just waved me off. "Edward, don't embarrass yourself more than you already have." Jasper shifted slightly to make sure he could intercept me if I did pounce at Rosalie's smug form.
I crumpled again, completely defeated. Rosalie's thoughts softened at my pain. Are you just going to give up on her? Look, I'm not her biggest fan, but I know what she means to you. If you love her as much as you claim then you shouldn't bow out so easily, Edward.
I snapped my head up. "Who said I'm giving up?"
Jasper smirked. "You've got your work cut out for you. I said she still loved you, but there's no denying her feelings for Jacob. It matches the intensity I always felt around the two of you."
"I never should have left," I emphasized again.
"You tend to overreact, Edward," Rosalie agreed, giving me the first inkling of a smile.
I looked at her. "Promise me you'll stop me next time?"
The two of them exchanged a glance. "Edward, there'd better never be a next time," Jasper said firmly. "Your melodramatic stints as the prodigal son hurt everyone in this family more than you'll ever realize." He paused and thought intensely of Carlisle's worry, Esme's heartbreak, Alice's desperation — all brought on by my decision to leave. I cringed at the vision of infallibly cheerful Emmett, sitting sadly in the corner of a room, Rosalie murmuring words of comfort to him. My head dropped again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. In a flash, Rosalie and Jasper were at my sides, comforting me. As if I deserved it. "What should I do?"
"First, you need to tell Bella that you know you've been an idiot," Jasper said wryly. "Let her know you're not as cocky as you put on. Then, I think you just need to give this time, Edward. She loves him. Those feelings don't just go away for humans."
Thinking of her loving the werewolf was painful. "I know."
Rosalie smiled. "But that means she still has feelings for you too, Edward. You need to show her why she loved you in the first place."
"But you also need to watch her with Jacob," Jasper added. I grimaced and he couldn't help but chuckle. "Not literally, but you need to see what the two of them have together — how they interact with each other. If you can understand what keeps her connected to him even when she obviously still loves you, it can help you learn more about making her happy."
I knew I just needed to be alone with my thoughts for a while, and decided to hunt. Standing and shaking the debris off my clothing, I said, "I'm going to fight for her. I won't do anything to make her unhappy, but I'll be doing everything I can to make things right. We belong together, I know it."
With that, I leaped out of the door and took off toward the wilderness at a brisk pace.
**
I had not hunted in weeks, so it took me longer than usual to be satiated. One adolescent mountain lion, two deer and one old black bear later, I was leaning against a tree, completely full. My head was clear and my limbs felt stronger than they had in months. However, my granite heart ached in a way that it never had. If I were capable of tears, they would be permanent fixtures on my face.
I felt as though I could reach out toward her, and she would always be out of reach for me now. And none of this would have happened if I wouldn't have let her go in the first place.
I had realized, almost from the first day away from Bella, that I had overreacted. My siblings had always lightheartedly teased me for my tendency toward the dramatic, but now I realized that it was a definite flaw — a flaw I wished now to change. It wouldn't be easy — any kind of significant behavioral change in an immortal creature like myself was a long, arduous lesson in control.
Could I do it? Was I strong enough? Could I be the man that Bella deserved…the man that she would ultimately choose? I was willing to do anything that might help, as difficult as it might be.
I heard footsteps rapidly approaching and caught his scent before my eyes saw him. Son, Carlisle's thoughts called to me as he made his way out of the brush to stand in front of me.
I stood at once. "Carlisle." At that moment, I realized how much I had missed him and his relaxing, steady demeanor. We fell into an embrace, his thought swirling from how happy he was to have me back to how sad he was for my situation. We settled back down on either sides of the tree trunk.
How did your conversation with Bella go?
"Not well," I admitted, a flush of grief surging through me again. "She's truly happy with the werewolf and…doesn't…" I squeezed my hands into fists. "She doesn't want me anymore."
Carlisle couldn't help but convey his surprise. Not even as a friend? I find it hard to believe she would want you completely out of her life. She told us that she still loved you. I have no reason to doubt that was the truth.
"I didn't really ask her about what our relationship could be if we weren't together romantically. I was too…angry."
Oh Edward, what happened?
I explained what took place in the kitchen and for once, Carlisle's thoughts were silent. I poured out my anger and hurt at her intimacy with Jacob, and laid bare my unwavering passionate love for Bella, which was now unreciprocated. When I finished, I was surprised to see a pile of splinters at my sides and realized I had been mangling the tree trunk while I spoke.
"I realize something, Carlisle," I said quietly, picking pieces of bark off my clothing. "I made all of the wrong decisions with her. And I wouldn't allow her to decide things for us…"
He nodded. "You have to consciously realize that Bella is not a possession, Edward. I'm sure you never meant to make her feel that way, but I'm fairly sure that is exactly how she felt."
My shoulders slumped. "I think you're right."
"You had a tendency to treat her like a glass doll," Carlisle said softly. "She was someone you loved, of course, but she was also something you spent all of your time protecting and cherishing. Bella is a person and she has needs of her own. You cannot decide what those needs are without her input. Her choices and decisions are equally as important as your own."
"If I only would have deferred to her more often, let her be an equal partner in our relationship…I probably never would have left." I inched around the tree to find my father, whose face looked pained. "How can I change this about myself?"
"It won't be easy, Edward," he said aloud. "We are very static species. But I believe if our family can overcome something as central to our instincts as the desire to feed on human blood, then we can change in other ways as well. It takes control and concentration, but it can be done."
Silently, he added, If anyone can better themselves in this way, it is you, Edward. You're stronger than you realize.
"I'm not so sure about that…but I have to try. She's worth it," I said firmly.
But Edward, even if you do this, there's no guarantee that she will come back to you. Bella seems to have chosen Jacob, and she seems happy. He's a good and decent man.
"I know," I said, hesitating. "And I'm not going to interfere in their happiness, as hard as that is for me. But I really messed up today — I shouldn't have spoken to her that way. I need to control myself and my responses, because I can't hurt her again." I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated. "I've hurt her so much," my voice was anguished, "and I'm willing to do anything if it means I can remain close to her throughout her life. I just want her to be happy."
Even if that's with Jacob?
I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Yes," I said softly. "But I do still love her. She is my existence. And I will always be there in the background, waiting for a chance. Until then, if I can only be her friend, then I will try to be everything she needs me to be in that capacity."
Carlisle's face was sad for me, but he nodded. "I think that's a good idea, Edward." He stood and offered a hand to me. "Son, we've all missed you so much. Come home now?"
I managed a weak smile. We walked into the trees at a human pace, on our way back to our family. Yet my heart was miles away with Bella, who was riding away on the back of my sister —– every second traveling farther and farther away, into the arms of another man.
**
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