Jacob and I continued to spend our nights together, but now instead of fighting sleep, we were catching up on it. We were also catching up on quality time together that we had neglected. On Friday, we accidentally overslept, lucky that Charlie hadn't peeked in on me before leaving. I had to skip my usual morning shower, which made my mood a bit sour, but Jacob insisted that I smelled "amazing."
"Like werewolf and sex," he laughed as I playfully slapped at his arm.
We rushed around to get dressed and grab some breakfast, and I felt guilty that Jacob would be late for school yet again. He didn't seem to worry, but did tense when he dropped me off and saw Edward waiting for me with Alice.
It hurt me to have Jacob react even slightly at the sight of Edward, as if he were still jealous. I made a point of launching myself at him, kissing him ardently in full view of Edward and the rest of the students in the parking lot. I didn't care about the audience…I only hoped it would send a message to Jacob that I was being open about my love for him, even right in front of my vampire ex.
"Damn, Bells," he grinned, the momentary tension gone. He leaned back toward me, giving me one more kiss on my cheek before handing me my bag. I hopped out of the Rabbit and made my way over to the two Cullens propped against the silver Volvo. Jacob's car sputtered loudly away, and the familiar sound of it made me smile as I came to a stop in front of my two favorite vampires.
Edward's nose seemed to flare and his eyes darkened, flashing with quick anger that was quickly replaced by sad numbness. Alice all but pinched her nose at me.
"Ugh, Bella…you smell like a wet dog!" She paused. "And…sex?"
Redness flooded my face, but Alice just laughed as Edward clenched his jaws, fighting back whatever reaction he was having to the harsh reality of my scent. His eyes looked furious, but the rest of him was deliberately relaxed — he was trying his hardest to not appear bothered.
"Go Bella!" Alice teased.
I cringed, worried about Edward's feelings. "Alice…please."
Next to me, Edward eased considerably when he heard the concern for him in my voice. I watched from the corner of my eye as he gave himself a few moments to get his emotions under control. Finally, he turned to me and studied my face.
"Your eyes look much better," he remarked. "The circles are starting to fade."
I regarded him with surprise. "So, you're talking to me again?"
"I suppose I am," he said, sounding just as surprised. But then he smiled my favorite crooked smile at me, and I couldn't help grinning back, my heartbeat stuttering at his inadvertent dazzle.
"I'm glad."
"I still think we need to maintain a distance, but you know I have a hard time keeping myself from your side, Bella."
My smile became cheerless. "Well, I told you yesterday that everything was fine, but you acted like you didn't hear me."
"Uh, vampire, remember? I hear everything," he joked softly. 'But I just don't trust myself as much as you do, Bella."
Beside him, Alice rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm, squeezing it with a giggle.
I finally turned my attention to my black-mopped, overenthusiastic friend, who was smiling from ear-to-ear. I knew why, and it made me roll my eyes right back at her. Typical Alice. She was practically vibrating with energy about our shopping trip that evening, and I had to admit that I was glad to be spending time with her. Our argument had been short-lived, and we needed some girl time. After Jacob and I had settled our issues as much as we could, it was easy to apologize to Alice for being irritable. A good night's sleep helped too.
I turned back to Edward, resuming the conversation. "Well, I trust you…so you need to get over it," I said, half teasing, half serious.
Alice snorted, taking my side light-heartedly. "Yeah, seriously Edward…"
Edward was much more serious. "There's a lot I guess I need to get over," he said quietly, breathing in again and clenching his jaws at my scent. Suddenly, his eyes became curious and he cocked his head to the side, as if listening to thoughts that were more interesting than usual. He sighed and set his mouth in a grim line. "Hmm, interesting. Maybe this might help?"
I wondered whose mind he had read at the same time I turned when I realized someone was standing next to me.
Trembling slightly, a pleasant-looking, petite girl stepped up to our group, her large blue eyes fixed on Edward. She tucked a wayward lock of her light brown hair behind her ear and cleared her throat — the look on her pretty face was timid but resolute. I recognized her as a junior that I had spoken to once or twice, but I really didn't know her except for her name — Tamaria. I knew she was in Edward's music class.
"Can I…um, could I talk to you, Edward?" she asked nervously, tugging self-consciously at her stylish tunic top and adjusting the strap on her messenger bag.
Edward gazed at me for a long moment, as if waiting for me to give him a sign or a reaction, before giving his sister a resigned look and stepping aside with the girl. Alice took my hand in hers and offered me a sad look, which made me curious and a bit alarmed.
Edward and Tamaria were only a few feet away, and I could hear their awkward conversation.
"So, Edward…" she began, twisting a lock of her long, thick hair in her fingers anxiously. "I didn't know if you had any plans for prom…" Her eyes flickered quickly toward me before she took a deep breath and continued. "But if you didn't, I thought maybe we could go together? As friends, of course," she added, shakily.
Edward was silent.
Tamaria tried to fill the silence as best she could. "I mean, if you don't want to, that's cool…but I was hoping…" Her voice trailed off and she gnawed her full lip as she tried to read Edward's expression.
I waited for him to turn her down gently. I knew that before I had come to Forks, this exact scene had played out before many of the school dances, and Edward had always declined gracefully.
"I would be honored," he said softly, offering her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Wha…what?" Tamaria stammered, not believing her own ears.
"What?" I echoed in confusion.
"I'd be happy to escort you to prom," Edward said again. "Thank you for asking me."
"Sure…no problem," the girl said, dazed. She started to walk off before Edward stopped her.
"Maybe I should get your phone number?"
Her cheeks were bright pink and her eyes wide. "Oh! Of course!" She fumbled with her backpack and managed to find a scrap of paper and a pen, and with quaking hands, scribbled a number. Handing it to him, she beamed a bit too widely.
"Thank you Tamaria," Edward said. "I will call you this weekend and we can figure out the timing and where I should pick you up."
"Yeah," she said, her tone a bit loud and enthusiastic. "Yeah…call me this weekend!" Tamaria began walking backwards, her eyes never leaving Edward. When she bumped into the row of lockers behind her, she jumped slightly and turned scarlet before spluttering a quick "bye" and turning to flee.
Edward looked down at the floor and sighed softly. Sadly. I felt my frozen shock beginning to thaw and turn into fury.
"What the hell was that, Edward?" I asked, surprised at the venom in my voice and by my sudden consuming anger.
He turned back to me, his eyes sorrowful. Alice took a fleeting look at the two of us before offering a rushed, "Bye!" and dashing down the hall, leaving us alone to talk. I angled myself so I faced him fully, furious about this unexpected situation, and confused because of that.
Edward hung his head, looking defeated. I waited. He sighed. I continued waiting. Finally, he opened his lips to speak, but he didn't explain himself like I expected.
"Bella," he began tentatively, "Why are you so angry about this?"
"What?"
"Why does this bother you so much?"
"I…I…I don't want you to lead on that poor girl," I exclaimed, my face and ears burning.
Edward's face darkened. "Bella, you know me. Do you think that's something I would do?"
My shoulders slumped. "I don't think so. But you've been very upfront about your feelings for me, so I don't understand why you're doing this if you're still in love with me."
His eyes widened and his expression was furious. For a moment, I was frightened because he looked every bit the dangerous vampire he truly was. I took a miniscule step backwards, and Edward's anger faded. He looked unsure, and I could tell he was contemplating running away.
Before he could, I reached out and grabbed his hand. "Don't run away this time, Edward. Stay and let us work this out together."
"You might not like what I have to say," he murmured.
"Well, it can't be any worse than what you're doing, Edward. You know the effect you have on humans…that girl won't even know what hit her. Your heart will never belong to her, and that will only bring her unnecessary pain."
"Bella," Edward's voice was controlled. "Get over yourself."
I froze. "I beg your pardon?"
"I said, 'Get over yourself,' Bella," he repeated, seeming shocked at himself. "I will love you until the end of my existence, but you've made it very clear that I'm not your choice. You know how difficult it was for you after I chose to leave?"
I nodded, tears welling in my eyes involuntarily.
"Imagine a lifetime…no, several lifetimes…of that pain. Now you know what the rest of my existence will be," he said softly.
"Edward, I…"
"No, don't, Bella," he said, his velvet voice calm and dangerous. "In my 108 years of walking this Earth, I never imagined I'd find my perfect mate. But then I met you. And you don't want me back. I'm trying something new here. Who knows…if I can find just an inkling of happiness through friendship and human companionship, I'm going to try." He looked off into the distance, sadness etched on his marble features. "I have to try. Otherwise, what is there for me?" When I didn't respond, his shoulders slumped and he walked away to class.
I watched him go, speechless. Because he was right, and I was being selfish.
**
A half hour later, I exited the girl's restroom where I had retreated when the tears began to fall. I had fifteen minutes before my next class, so I walked out to the parking lot for some fresh air. I avoided the eyes of the students who had snuck out to smoke, keeping my gaze on the wet pavement. My truck was not there since Jacob had taken me to school, so I walked over to Edward's Volvo. For once, the misty air felt good against my overheated, tearstained face. I sat on a damp bench and closed my eyes, deeply inhaling the humid, cool air.
I was confused and angry. I shouldn't care what Edward decided to do, but I did. The entire ordeal made me feel guilty too. Jacob was everything I wanted. So why did part of me refuse to let go of Edward? Why couldn't I convince my heart that we would only just be friends?
My imagination drifted to what the future might look like. Jacob and I, laughing happily, with beautiful black-haired children at our sides. Emmett and Alice playing with the older children, a proud "aunt" and "uncle." Rosalie and Esme taking turns cuddling the baby. Carlisle and Jasper watching the merriment with smiles. And Edward…
A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek as I saw his tortured face in my mind. Edward's eyes would be for me only. Knowing him like I did, he would put on a brave face, but would suffer each and every time we saw each other — wanting to touch me, to love me, but always unable.
I exhaled shakily and tried to restart the reverie, hoping the end result would be different. Each time, it ended with an Edward who was tense with pain, never able to let go of the hope that Jacob would imprint and I would come back to him.
I shook my head as if trying to erase the vision. I refused to believe that was the inevitable future for him. For the first time, I thought about his decision to go to prom with the shy girl from his music class and that it might be a good thing, even though the mere idea made my heart pang with a pain I couldn't explain.
After several minutes, my face had cooled and my hair had frizzed up in the mist. I smoothed it as best I could and stood to face the rest of my day.
**
The day was miserable, but I kept my tears at bay, thank goodness. Edward ignored me, even though I tried to get his attention several times. To do what, I didn't know. Apologize? Yell? Cry? I just knew I wanted to do something to make it right.
"I am a horrible person, Alice," I commiserated as we followed Angela's car in my truck on the way to Port Angeles. "I want Edward to be happy, I really do…but everything today just took me by surprise."
Alice didn't say anything.
"I don't know what to do. I'm just…stunned," I continued, clenching the steering wheel. When she still didn't respond, I glanced over at her. "Alice?"
She turned to me, her eyes conflicted. "Is that it? Or is it something more?"
I had expected her to offer some words of comfort, so her direct questions took me aback. My mouth dropped open, and I didn't know how to respond.
"Do you still love Edward?"
"No, Alice! I mean, yes…I do, but not like that." I was flustered.
"Can I ask you a pretty tough question, then?" I nodded, squeezing the steering wheel anxiously. "Are you keeping him around because you don't want anyone else to have him?"
I sighed sadly. "No, but I can see how you might think that. I do want him to be happy, and it would make it a lot easier if he would find someone else." I paused to choose my next words. "But I don't want Edward giving his heart away to someone new only because it's hurting. His heart is a beautiful and a precious thing and I always cherished it."
"You still have it, you know," Alice said softly.
"I know," I whispered. "I want to protect it…protect him from this kind of heartache again."
"You two are so similar, you know," Alice said, a smile twitching on her otherwise sad face. "Overprotective fools, both of you." She turned in her seat to face me fully, her delicate hands clasped on her lap. "Don't you think you should free his heart, Bella? As long as he has hope, he's going to be constant. There's no choice for him in this…you're his only choice. Give him up, let him take care of himself if you're not going to reciprocate those feelings." Her voice trembled. "He's hurting, Bella."
"That's not what I want."
"Bella, what do you want? Really? Do you even know?
I was silent. Finally, I said, "Yes, I know what I want. Jacob. I want Jacob."
Alice's mouth set in a firm line. "Well, good. But you'd better communicate that to Edward. And soon. I love you like a sister, but Edward is my brother. It kills me to see him in this much pain, not to mention what it's doing to my husband."
I fought back the tears that threatened to well in my eyes. Alice continued.
"Don't get me wrong, Edward's the one who messed things up in the first place…he's going to have to live with the consequences of leaving you for the rest of his existence. But the way you're holding on to him is just making it worse. If Edward truly doesn't stand a chance, like you keep saying to me, you need to release his heart."
"I've been pretty upfront about my feelings, I think. He knows I only want a friendship from him."
She shook her head. "That's not how Edward works, Bella. And, quite frankly, you can't have your cake and eat it too." I blanched in disbelief, but she ignored my offended expression. "Like I said before, Edward still hopes that you'll be together. I think he'd do just about anything to have you back…at this point I think he'd probably even agree to change you."
"I can't let him go," I said softly. "I need him in my life." My mind flashed back to the agony of the months following his departure. I wouldn't…no, I couldn't go through that again. Also, knowing the uncertainty of my life with Jacob in regards to the imprinting impulse, I depended on the constancy of Edward's love to keep me together. And knowing how much our separation pained Edward made me convinced I was doing the right thing. "Why can't he be my friend? Why does it have to be this complicated?"
Alice heard the pain in my voice and her eyes softened.
"It's part of our unchanging nature, Bella. Edward can't change, even if he might try. You're the one who has to make this right." She looked at me quizzically. "Besides, why do you need him so much? Isn't Jacob enough?"
At the mere mention of my werewolf's name, I tensed. Jacob was everything to me, and I knew that. But the threat of imprint loomed over me, even though I had made my choice to chance it. But I couldn't risk losing Edward too. I couldn't tell Alice any of that, and no matter what, I couldn't agree with her insistence that a friendship with Edward was impossible.
"Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way," I considered. "Maybe I shouldn't expect a typical friendship with Edward like I have with Jasper and Emmett, but I can't imagine that a friendship altogether is out of the question. I just…can't." Alice and I were quiet for several minutes — me chewing my lip in contemplation, Alice perfectly still as if a statue. I thought back to my daydream, and how I might change the ending vision. "Maybe…Jake and I could hang out with you guys…like a group thing?"
Alice's eyes widened in astonishment. "I…I've never thought about that, but I don't know, Bella. You know it makes me uneasy being around the wolves because I can't see what's going to happen. What if Jacob loses control and goes after Edward?"
I bristled. "What if Edward's the one who loses control? He has a history of doing that," I said, defending Jacob. "But that won't happen…I know it." I ran through my schedule in my head. "We could do something this Sunday…something outdoors?"
"I suppose we could try," Alice said carefully, her eyes blank as she searched the future. Finally, she sighed. "But I don't think it's the best idea, Bella. Edward can't let you go. I see a future of sadness for him right now."
"But your visions are subjective," I said, repeating what Edward had told me once. "The future can always change."
"You really want to try this 'friendship' thing…with both Jacob and Edward?" Alice asked. "It's not going to be easy."
"Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?" I asked. "Edward needs to see for himself that Jacob is my choice, and the two of them need to learn to coexist if I'm going to continue to have Edward in my life."
She shook her head. "You should do what you feel you must, but Bella…you've made your choice to be with Jacob. And with choices sometimes there's sacrifice. You can't always have everything the way you want it. This isn't a novel where everyone gets a 'happily ever after.'"
"I refuse to accept that," I whispered. "He can't leave…I can't lose him…or the rest of you."
"We're going to have to leave eventually," she reminded me. "But Bella, I promise you'll never lose me." Her voice was fierce, and she reached to squeeze my hand. "No matter where we go after Forks, I will always be your friend."
It was nice to end the conversation on a positive note as we passed into the Port Angeles town limits. The large, solitary department store awaited us, and as I parked the car, Alice was already in her element, bouncing excitedly next to me. The seriousness of our conversation was past, and she was in shopping mode. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the next two hours of being her personal Barbie doll.
**
"Your dress is perfect," Angela reiterated as we sat at our table at Bella Italia. Next to her, Alice scowled, annoyed with me.
"You should have gotten the green one too," she griped, crossing her arms in front of her and pouting. Katie, Angela and I laughed.
"I liked the red one that you tried on, Katie," I said, taking a sip of my Coke and spearing a mushroom ravioli, smiling softly at the memories it brought.
"I did too, but my mom would probably think I looked like a hussy," Katie laughed. "Although, if I stood next to Angela in her dress, they'd see a real hussy!" Alice forgot her annoyance with me and we both squealed in laughter as Angela sat up proudly.
"Just because I'm daring to show a bit of skin…"
"A bit of skin?" I gasped, "Ben is going to melt into a puddle of goo when he sees you in that!"
She grinned, her sweet face flushed. "That's the idea."
"Angela, I had no idea you were such a naughty girl," Alice sounded impressed, and Angela flushed more. I joined in the giggles and felt relaxed for the first time all day. Looking around the table at the girls, all with smiles on their faces, I felt so glad that I had come along. I'd needed some girl time much more than I realized. It was nice to be able to laugh and talk about frivolous things like prom dresses.
That all changed when Katie cleared her throat and looked at me, emboldened by my light mood to ask what I knew she had been itching to all evening.
"So…Bella," Katie began cautiously. I turned to her and could tell by her expression that I would not like what she had to say. "I overheard this junior girl talking in the cafeteria today, and she was telling her friends that she's going to prom with Edward…is that true?"
I tried to appear nonchalant. "Yes, she asked him this morning."
Katie glanced at Angela and Alice, who were watching me carefully. "Well, what happened?"
I shrugged. "She asked him, and he said yes. That's it." They continued to stare at me. "What? Do you expect me to be all upset about it? I'm not with Edward anymore. He's free to do what he wants."
"But it can't be easy, Bella," Angela's voice was sympathetic. "You loved Edward. It has to be hard for you to see him with someone else."
"I know it's hard for him to see you with Jacob," Alice murmured, and I heard the message behind her words. "But he's managing."
"It's just prom," I exclaimed, getting a bit irritated. "I don't care…really!"
Thankfully, Angela sensed my reluctance and changed the subject, asking Alice how she was doing her hair for the dance.
I tuned their conversation out as I struggled with the realization that I really did care. I needed to do some serious soul-searching in the next week. As much as I exclaimed that it didn't bother me…I was more upset than I could fathom. And that scared me to death.
**
Voting is open for the Bellie Awards and the Indie Twifics. "Like Night and Day" is nominated in both!
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