My Angel
A Hey Arnold FanFic
Authors note: Special thanks to AdventureGirl6. I do not own Hey Arnold and make no attempt to profit from it.
Chapter Twelve: I give up
Gerald pondered the words carefully for a moment. He'd known. He'd always known it would come to this. Nothing would have been easier to do than to run away from the group at this point. But he couldn't keep running. Not all the time. The warm tea in his hands steadied his nerves. Gerald's nod was quickly followed by downing the tea, the cup placed down as he relaxed himself back into the chair. "Where do you want me to start?"
Rhonda frowned for a moment. "Why not go back to the night of the formal?"
Gerald shivered and bit his tongue. Arnold watched his best friend struggle with his words, his obvious distaste for talking about what happened evident on his face. After a while Arnold grew restless; the questions that plagued his mind needed to be answered. He could not help but still hope that whatever he asked Gerald next he could deny, because if they were true…
"Gerald, why was Phoebe upset with you? Did you hurt her?" he asked.
Gerald slumped in his chair and began to cry. "I did something to her…"
A silence, still and uneasy, surrounded the group. He'd hoped Gerald wouldn't confirm his thoughts, but…
"She…we fought that night."
"When? I was with you and Phoebe for most of the night," Helga said.
Gerald looked up at the trio, trying to communicate what was happening in his eyes. "It wasn't meant to happen this way…"
Prom Night…
It wasn't his first choice to be in here, and from the stench of it, it wasn't Phoebe's first choice either. A single bucket was on the floor, turned upside down so she could sit down, leaving him to stand against the wall. He watched her intently, her sobbing being drowned out by the music. Arnold and Helga were dancing up a storm outside; who knew the man had it in him? Gerald's impressed smile lasted for only a second as Phoebe looked up, wiping away the last of the tears and trying to look at him through her wet glasses.
He hated seeing her like this and it was only made worse as she tried to calm herself down. "Phoebe I don't understand why this has to be a big problem; I know you're leaving so we can make this easier on ourselves now," he pleaded.
Phoebe's whole facade of peace was shattered. Gerald could feel the knife twisting in his heart once more and knew that this whole situation was wrong. "I mean, I don't know why you even want to stay with me. I'm not going anywhere and your dreams…I can't stand to keep holding you back."
He'd recited these lines to himself a hundred times already. But saying them now…the words felt hollow, his confident delivery at home now worth nothing standing here before her.
"Do not make this about your noble intensions Gerald; I can't believe you would be doing this…" she sobbed softly once more.
"Phoebe we can't do this. Why do you need me? I'm nothing. What makes you so sure that we would last?" he nearly shouted, catching himself at the last minute; he needed to calm himself down.
"Because Gerald, we are meant to be," Phoebe whimpered, trying hard not to ruin her makeup. "We have gone through so much…how can you be so willing to throw it all away?"
"Meant to be? Phoebe, we've been lying to ourselves for weeks now. You knew, as I knew, this was always going to happen. You were always going to move on from here when the time came…without me, there is nothing left to stop you pursuing college," Gerald murmured at the end, avoiding Phoebe's now furious gaze.
"College is important to me Gerald, but so are you. I won't be happy without you in my life. How else can I keep going? Tell me how Gerald," Phoebe barked, trying to motivate him. "Because obviously I have missed something during our time together which says you get to decide how our love ends!"
"I don't know Phoebe! We are both leading such different lives now- "
"Different lives? I want to go to College, what about you?"
Gerald bit his tongue, but couldn't hold it in. "I didn't get in."
Phoebe was about to retort but stopped. "What do you mean you didn't get in?" she asked quizzically.
"I missed out on the positions…no one wanted to take me."
Phoebe sat back. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Gerald shook his head. "You seemed so happy and I didn't want to ruin it for you. Besides…how could I hold you down when you got accepted- "
"Cut it out Gerald!" she screamed.
Gerald slumped against the shelf and tried to ignore his desire to be out there watching the dancing. He could hear the music ending and wished he could be watching his best friend have the time of his life. He caught a flash of red near the door and shook his head; Lila had been off with another boy…again.
"Why can't we talk like we used to Gerald?" she softly asked.
"Because we aren't kids anymore Phoebe. I don't know what we can do now."
Gerald made to leave, only to have Phoebe stand up and grab his left arm, pulling him back to the room before he could escape. He could hear some faint laughter, but couldn't make out what was happening…
"Gerald don't go. There's something else we need to talk about," Phoebe sighed. Gerald turned around, looking at her strangely. He had never seen her look this down before; her face was so sad, so deeply hurt that he knew this wasn't something he had done. But whatever it was…
"Phoebe what happened?" he asked, trying to keep the fear out of his voice.
She appeared to struggle with the words she was trying to form. "I think I might be depressed."
Gerald breathed a sigh of relief. "Depressed? Like depression? What makes you think you are depressed Phoebe?"
"Do you remember two months ago Gerald, when your parents were out of town?"
"Yeah, but I don't see what this has to do with…"
Gerald could have smacked himself in the face…of course. "Does this mean you're?"
"I was going to tell you, but a week ago…well, I miscarried," she wept, Gerald moving closer to her as he wrapped his arms around her.
"I'm so sorry Phoebe," he whispered.
"I was…I was so excited Gerald. I thought for sure I would have a baby. It just hurts so much Gerald…"
Gerald held her tightly, letting her cry onto his suit. It didn't matter, it wouldn't matter. Right here and now he held Phoebe, he held his love. She was everything to him…
D & F
The sun was setting once more, the last of the light creating shadows across the room as Gerald finished his tale. His body had stopped shaking, but he was unable to keep going and retired to his room. Rhonda suggested they all stay while she called for take away. Rhonda, Arnold and Helga spoke for a while, catching up with past news and rumours they may have heard from other classmates. But Arnold never spoke to Helga; Helga seemed to consciously avoid Arnold's gaze, frustrating Rhonda as she tried to find ways of getting them to talk to one another.
Finally, she gave up and headed to the bathroom, insisting she would not be long. It was only ten minutes until the food would arrive, but Arnold tried to avoid Helga's wandering eyes, often watching the stars outside twinkle and shine down upon the roof tops of Hillwood.
"So, football head, how are the injuries?" Helga asked.
He snapped out of his daydream about flying amongst the clouds and looked over at her with some shock before relaxing back into his normally calm state of mind. "They're fine. The bruising should be completely gone in a few weeks."
"That's great," she smiled.
Both looked away quickly. Smooth Helga, real smooth. That's great? You couldn't have said 'it's great to see you looking healthy'? Or 'hey you're looking well'? What's wrong with me? I should just talk to him. It doesn't need to be this hard!
Helga turned to look at him and guilt reared its head. She hadn't given it too much thought, but watching him adjust himself carefully in his chair, Helga needed an answer about the train, one she hoped wouldn't be her fault. She ignored images of his injuries occurring right in front of her.
"Arnold, I have to know. Did you catch the train that day because… because of me?"
Her question caught him off-guard. "What do you mean Helga? I always caught the train," he replied.
Put off by his response, she folded her arms and looked off into the distance. "Never mind."
Her mind wandered through the city in her mind, leaving behind all her senses. He could be so thick sometimes, so completely oblivious to what was going on around him that it made her sick. Surely, he would have understood what that question was about? Even she could read between the lines on this. Maybe he was too naive for his own good sometimes.
"Do you remember the dance?" Arnold asked, Helga turning to see him looking now up at the roof, his legs and head resting on either side of the arm rests while his body contorted itself to fit in the chair space left. "All the twirling and spinning we did…and the music…I loved that music. We seemed to fit together so well, almost as if we were…"
He finished, looking over at her with a sadness she had only ever seen him use when he thought too much about his parents. "Why did you leave me there Helga?"
Helga's anxiety wanted Rhonda to return, hoping with all her heart that she would come in and save Helga from having to explain it all. But as the seconds passed by, Helga felt cornered and had no choice.
"I…I don't know," she murmured, turning to avoid his eyes.
"What are you talking about Helga, of course you know," he pleaded.
"I don't Arnold. Can we just drop it?" she spat back, hoping it would stall him long enough for Rhonda to return.
Silence drifted into the conversation for a moment as Arnold plucked up his courage. Not this time. "No, we can't."
Helga was surprised by the command he gave with his voice; she had never heard him use it before…and she liked it. "We can't drop it Helga, because I need to know why you said no to me. I know you left and ran outside, but I couldn't…"
Arnold looked down at the ground, the memory too painful to try and remember. "What happened to you Arnold?" he heard Helga ask, his face hidden beneath the hair that hung over his face.
"When you ran outside Helga, I was left alone in the middle of the floor with everyone watching me. And then she came," he shivered while Helga moved in curiously.
"Who?"
Dread filled his stomach as he looked up, his pain so clearly etched on his face that Helga sat back immediately. "Lila."
D & F
She is so beautiful. Arnold watched her run, the dress flowing behind her gracefully while he felt his heart crack. Her rejection hurt dearly, a pain he had felt once before. The door slammed behind her, leaving Arnold to look around at the faces in the hall. Most people looked away, embarrassed for him or in a vain attempt to pretend it hadn't happened. But no one moved. A cough though echoed from the middle of the group. Entranced, the eyes of the hall turned to Lila who walked towards Arnold, moving to within inches of him before a smack rang out over the crowd. Stinging like nothing else, Arnold tried to look back at Lila only to be smacked once more.
Tears started to swell up in his eyes, the anger burning in his chest. Walking away from the crowd, Arnold rushed out of the gym and towards the closest classroom, leaning on the nearest desk. Listening to the clinking of her heels, Arnold turned to see Lila slam the door behind her and glare at him. Arnold gritted his teeth. "What was that for?"
"That Arnold was for kissing her. How dare you do this to me? Kissing another girl on prom night. And Helga Pataki?" she seethed.
Arnold tried to unclench his fists, but gave up. He'd had enough of her games. "I can't decide who the bigger hypocrite is," he glared back, "But what were you doing with that guy tonight?"
No one was there, but it was an unwritten rule not to tell Arnold about what Lila had been up to. No one would dare try and explain to Arnold what was going on. It would have only broken his heart. Even Lila took a step back, suddenly fearful of what Arnold was about to say. "How did you know?" she began to stammer before being cut off.
"I've known for months Lila; those texts…but enough of him, he isn't worth it. I understand you did this out of pity for me. But I didn't need to be pitied. I wanted your love. And if you didn't want to give it to me, then you should've told me. I don't need to be pitied!"
Lila tried to stand tall against Arnold, but the silence of the classroom was only broken by her stammers. Even she had to admit she was in trouble. "My love? That's what you wanted? You're a foolish boy. You knew when we started dating I didn't love you. I can't give you my love. So, I don't know why you're surprised by this. And you're a greater fool if you knew about tonight. But you should ask yourself this: why do you think Helga ran out?"
Arnold felt his anger turn to ice. "What?"
"Think about it Arnold. Helga knew I'm dating you and she knows that she can't beat me. I cheat on you not because it suits me, but because you don't care about me."
Arnold stood dumbfounded. "How can you say this? After what you told me?"
"Because Arnold, it is the truth."
Arnold felt it well up inside of him. He had one option, but it wasn't the option he wanted to use. He did deep down love her, but he had little choice. "You're a fool Lila, your mother would be ashamed of you."
Arnold watched her face contort and break. "My mother? My mother…"
Lila paced the room, muttering darkly under her breath. "My mother was pathetic. She was weak and cowardly. She knew nothing of the hardships my father faced and of the hardships I faced. My mother was like you Arnold," Lila growled, "Too kind, too caring, too stupid to realise that the world is a cruel place. She left me, just as you do, cold and alone, never understanding how I feel or what I want. It's always about you."
Lila picked up the nearest chair and flung it across the room. "It's always about you Arnold! How much you miss your parents, how hard school can be and how much life is about to change for you. You never stop to listen to the most obvious thing!"
Arnold moved towards her and glared. "Lila, what are you talking about?"
Lila stood towering above him. "Arnold, you are a terrible boyfriend; Helga could never love you because she knows what kind of a man you are. You are weak," she whispered, beginning to encircle him, "You're pathetic."
"Stop it Lila," he snarled.
"A coward," she smirked.
"Enough."
"And you know what else Arnold? You knew I wouldn't love you. You did this to yourself. I let you in, out of pity. It felt right to let you in, but now I know why I shouldn't have. You will never be loved Arnold, because who could ever love a man who sees only himself?"
Arnold clenched his fists tightly. "All you ever do is lie."
"Perhaps, but this is the truth: no woman will ever love you. Look at me, I'm dating you and I can't love you," Lila smiled, standing in front of him.
"Lila how can- "
"Arnold, you are alone. You need me, I can see it all over your face. No one will love you and Helga knew this."
Everything around him was spinning dangerously fast; his vision was blurry, hearing now mute as he tried to remain standing. Lila didn't love him, he knew this. But how could she do this? He loved her. Loved her! How could she do this to him? He needed her. Footsteps near him snapped him out of it as his best friend came running to him, helping him to his feet. Gerald glared at Lila. "You need to leave now Lila."
His voice was deadly; Lila stood back and looked at him dismissively. "And what will you do about it Gerald?"
"This is Arnold; he is a good man. Leave him alone now or else you face me."
"And me," came a deep voice. Walking to Gerald's side, Harold adjusted his baseball cap and glared at Lila.
"And me," Stinky added, joining Gerald as they shielded Arnold from Lila's glare.
Lila smirked and shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever. Just remember Arnold that you aren't worth it."
Arnold wanted to feel but couldn't; he wasn't worth it? He wanted to retort, fight back against her words, but something inside him refused to. In fact, it was suggesting he do the opposite…it wanted him to accept it…it's the truth. With that Lila left, slamming the door behind her and leaving everyone in silence. Arnold could hear the music continue to play softly, Stinky and Harold checking Arnold to make he was ok before leaving to re-join the dance.
Gerald grabbed a hold of Arnold and led him outside, moving past some anxious questioners and into the freshness of the night. But all the while Arnold felt numb inside; Lila was right. He couldn't be loved. Flashes of his parents broke him: they'd left him. How could they ever love him? How could anyone love him?
"Arnold snap out of it man," Gerald said, his voice distant but growing closer with each word.
"Gerald?"
Gerald shook his head as he helped him to hold onto the railing outside; Arnold's mind was still fuzzy, his actions blurry while Gerald mumbled something he couldn't make out. He wasn't even sure of where he was; stars twinkled above him, but his head had no clue for what he should do. He should wait for Gerald to come back. Maybe he could fix the strangeness for him.
Holding onto the rail tightly, Arnold knew he had to get out. Tomorrow he would leave her. Tomorrow he would say goodbye and never go back. But he couldn't do that. She needed his help. Lila needed him in her life. He knew the girl beneath the bites and wounds. The girl he loved was in there, the sweet girl who was fantastic and wonderful to everyone. Not the broken-hearted girl. He only needed to find her and bring her out. No matter what it takes.
But a single name kept cropping up in his head. He couldn't make it out at first, but it belonged to the most beautiful pair of sapphire blue eyes he had ever seen. She had this golden blonde hair, the kind that didn't shine in the day, but sparkled in the night. And this heart...broken, yet so loving for him. Arnold couldn't put it together until…
"Helga," he whispered, the name falling from his lips and onto the ground. She had rejected him. Arnold felt it spread, but the pain pierced his heart before he could fathom how to cope. They spilled down his cheeks, splashing onto the pavement and he couldn't stop it. He had to forget, he had to forget…there was no other way he could face this…
D & F
Helga sat huddled with her legs to her chest, looking down as Arnold finished. He hadn't spoken for a minute when she felt the question come to mind. "I'm so sorry Arnold. What happened to you and Lila afterwards?"
"She left…for a while. But she kept coming back to me. At first, I thought she might want my help and I could repair the brokenness Lila held. After a while I couldn't understand why she repeated the same actions time and time again. But one day it clicked: I always gave her security for a relationship. She would always have me, no matter what she did. But I didn't want to be controlled. So, I chose to give her up."
Helga's ear perked "Just like that?"
Arnold shook his head. "Not quite. A part of me still loved her and I cared so much for what happened to her that I found it hard to leave her. But when I did, I got to see the side of her that was the true her: it was all about her. She struggled with being accepted and having someone appreciate her outside her family that she often turned to me. But her manipulation became too much. I couldn't take it anymore, not when it started to affect my grandparents. Everything else was of her own making."
A knock at the door was quickly followed by the emergence of Rhonda, who answered it and quickly paid the young man. Walking into the room, Arnold and Helga were both hit with the wonderful smell of pizza, their mouths watering when Rhonda placed it onto the coffee table. Returning shortly with plates, Arnold excused himself, heading to Gerald's room to let him know that the food had arrived. Rhonda took a bite of the slice of pizza and grinned.
"I haven't had this since I was in junior high," she smiled once more before taking another bite of the pepperoni pizza.
Helga chuckled. "Let me guess you didn't eat it because you had to maintain your magnificent figure?"
Rhonda's nod was quickly followed by eating another piece of the pizza. "Save some for the others," Helga grinned.
"We can always order more. But what I am most curious is whether you talked with Arnold or not," Rhonda asked in-between fitting another piece into her mouth.
"We talked briefly," Helga replied dismissively.
D & F
He stood in front of the door and sighed. Gerald would probably want to keep sleeping, but he did need to eat sometime. Arnold wasn't sure he wanted to disturb him; the most pressing person on his mind was Helga. He wanted to know about her so much; he wanted to find out how she had dealt with the prom. With his hand outstretched towards the door, Arnold shook his head; maybe another day.
Arnold's soft tap on the door caused a stir within the dark room. He could hear the sheets being moved aside, Gerald appearing at the door with bloodshot eyes.
"The pizza is here if you want some," Arnold said.
Gerald seemed to be tossing up what to do and eventually nodded. Arnold left him and headed back downstairs, softly treading on the stairs to avoid creating much noise for Gerald. He was at the bottom and about to walk into the living room when he heard his name mentioned. Instead of walking in, he crept to the side of the wall and leant up against it, now able to hear the conversation taking place in the other room.
"We talked briefly," Helga replied dismissively.
"I see. But you are going to have to explain it to him shortly Helga," he heard Rhonda state and he leaned closer. He was glad he was hidden in the shadows as he heard Helga sigh.
"I wish I knew how to, because I don't really have an answer to give him. How can I explain to him that I said no because I was afraid? He wouldn't believe it."
"I wouldn't really believe it either. You've never been afraid of anyone," Rhonda replied, Arnold's heart slowly sinking into his stomach.
"It's not that I was afraid of everyone else," Helga continued, "It's just…he is my everything. He is everything I have wanted for so long. Arnold was there for me on the very first day of pre-school. My parents weren't; and he was the one to save the neighbourhood from Bob. But…"
Arnold wanted to hear her continue, but Rhonda's voice cut in. "Have you ever considered why you said no?"
Arnold peeked around the corner and saw Helga shake her head. "Not seriously. I had thought it was just a reaction to being near him, trying to show that I wasn't going to be all mushy and soft. But…he was my love. Why did I say no? I wanted to be happy. But Lila…"
He saw Rhonda nod in agreement before pulling his head back around. He was her love? Arnold couldn't believe what he had just heard; if she had loved him, why did she bully him all the time? The spit balls, the name calling, the tripping and shoving…Arnold chuckled softly to himself. How many other people did she do this to? Only him.
"I couldn't take her boyfriend; I couldn't stoop to her level, even if it was for Arnold. I may not care what other people think, but I do have my own standards. I don't steal from girls. Besides, I didn't know how he felt."
"I think dancing and kissing you would be a good indication of how he was feeling," Rhonda replied.
Arnold peered around once more and saw Helga shake her head. "That was the heat of the moment. How would he have known how he felt? I had years to sort out my feelings. He was acting on instinct. And why would he want to get to know the real me? I'm…so lost inside. He could never want someone who is so broken on the inside."
Arnold couldn't stand it anymore; he had to find out from Helga how she truly felt. Plucking up the courage he had left, Arnold strode into the room much to the surprise of both Helga and Rhonda. He sat down and grabbed a piece of pizza, acting for the moment as though nothing had happened. He listened intently as the two quickly changed their topics and moved on. For a while though he began to wonder what was keeping Gerald.
"Is Gerald coming down?" Rhonda asked him, his quick nod replied with her own.
"So, Rhonda what are your plans after this?" Helga asked after they had nearly finished off the pizza.
"Sleep in tomorrow and continue working for the rest of the year," she responded as she leaned back into the couch.
"You look really tired," Arnold said. "Maybe you should close your eyes for a bit."
Helga looked at Arnold who smiled. Confused, Helga looked back at her friend's eyes and smirked: perfect. "Just have a small rest Rhonda."
Helga and Arnold gleefully watched Rhonda slowly close her eyes and drift off to sleep. Arnold and Helga smiled as she did, eventually watching her chest slowly rise and fall as Rhonda fell into a blissful rest.
Helga leaned back into her own chair and began to feel the blissful rest overwhelm her. If not for Arnold's tidying of the pizza boxes, she doubted she would be awake. Instead she watched him, admiring the way he moved his hands, rearranging it into a neat pile before returning to his seat.
"Where's Gerald?" she yawned, trying vainly to keep herself awake.
Arnold frowned and headed upstairs, leaving Helga alone with Rhonda's sleeping form. She tried hard to keep them open, but she could feel them closing regardless of her efforts. Giving in she felt herself drift off, enjoying the bliss and serenity that came with sleep…
"HELGA!"
She woke with a start, her heart pounding and blood now racing. Was that Arnold? She left the couch and headed upstairs, not sure why she could hear someone crying in the bathroom. But as her legs guided her to her destination, Helga felt her stomach knot. And as she rounded the corner Helga froze, her eyes wide open with fear. Even though he held his best friend, Helga could not help but pale at the dropped knife on the ground as Arnold led Gerald out of the bathroom.
Helga stood aside, her attention drawn to a note on the sink. As they left her alone, Helga walked into the bathroom, picking up the note and reading it. She read it again, the note dropping from her hand as she ran back downstairs to join Arnold. Falling to the floor, six words were written, each one scribbled hurriedly:
No more Phoebe. I give up.
