Chapter Five: Denial
Vincent and Sephiroth sat a few feet apart in the grass beside a clear stream, taking a break from their monster hunt for the time being. Sephiroth took a long drink from his canteen, his eyes focused on the afternoon sky above them. He hadn't said a word since suggesting they stop to rest, which was fine with his companion.
Vincent was soaked, having removed his boots, cloak, and equipment before fully immersing himself in the cool stream. He'd desperately needed to remove the blood from his clothing, the smell still taunting Chaos even after he'd regained control of himself. Much of it had soaked through to the skin, which was why he had decided to wade out so far into the water. Besides, he hadn't been about to undress to wash the items, still painfully modest about his altered body and the many scars he'd been left with. No one had ever seen them aside from Lucrecia… and that damned nosey doctor back in Mideel… and Vincent intended to keep it that way.
For once he was actually glad for the sun that beat down upon him, as the stream had been rather cold and it was difficult to move very agilely in waterlogged attire. Thankfully his heavy cloak had not soaked up much of the wolf's blood, and he'd been able to easily rinse most of it out without wetting down the entire thing. He sat with it wrapped around his shoulders as he dried off, admitting that he was actually a bit chilly. He supposed his lower body temperature made warming himself from the inside rather difficult.
He'd confirmed that his shoulder wound was indeed fairly minor. There were a few deep punctures from the creature's teeth with long scratches trailing downward from them, but it had already stopped bleeding and begun to scab over. It looked much worse than it actually was, and though it still burned and itched a little, it was easy to ignore once he was no longer battling an angry demon for control of his person.
Far harder to push aside were Vincent's continuing worries about his mental state. He had awakened after a nightmare in mid-transformation just one day before, but instead of having the usual relatively peaceful period that tended to follow, the demon's thoughts and desires had instead remained close to the surface as if still unsatisfied. Injuries had brought forth Chaos in the past, but almost never something so insignificant. There had been no warning, no sudden build up… Chaos was suddenly there, right at the surface, so close to breaking free again he'd been certain he couldn't stop it. And he wouldn't have, if Sephiroth hadn't stepped in…
Even though the man had indeed saved him a world of pain, he still wished that his son had not witnessed the incident. The look of concern in Sephiroth's eyes had given away the words he hadn't spoken. If he could already tell how hard Vincent had been struggling against Chaos as of late, who else could tell? It was a thought he didn't care to entertain.
He sighed quietly to himself, his arms folded atop his knees and his chin resting upon them. He stared down blankly into the grass, trying to order his thoughts and push Chaos as far to the back of his mind as possible. It was usually fairly easy unless there was something that had excited the demon's attention, but over the last week or so he'd been finding it increasingly difficult. He felt as if there was a constant battle being waged inside his skull, one that he seemed to be on the verge of losing.
He was about to close his eyes against the pounding in his head when a sudden quick movement just to his left caught his attention. It was very slight, and a normal man would never have noticed, but with his enhanced senses it was impossible to miss. He could hear the blades of grass begin to rustle and quickly turned his head, his red eyes locking onto the form of a very large cockroach as it skittered through the field.
Instantly captivated, he tilted his head and followed it with predatory eyes as it crossed about a foot in front of him. He could feel Chaos rising up within him again, its demonic desires quickly back to the forefront of his consciousness. Vincent wanted to look away but found he couldn't. His mind was suddenly assaulted with a near-uncontrollable urge to reach out with his claw and grab the creature, squash it between his fingers, then devour its ruined body. Shaken but unable to break the spell, he watched as it continued its journey, oblivious to the danger. Though the bile was already rising in the back of his throat at the thought of what he was about to do, he felt himself slowly begin to lift his arm and reach toward it. He involuntarily licked his lips and his vision began to go red with demonic desire.
Just as he began to reach out, his muscles trembling as he fought against his own body, a heavy black boot slammed down on top of the cockroach with a loud crunch. Vincent blinked, startled out of his trance, and rapidly shook his head to clear it. A moment later, he followed the boot up the long, lean leg of its owner until he was gazing into the green Mako eyes of his son. When had he gotten to his feet? Vincent had never even seen him move… Sephiroth was frowning severely, though there was an unmistakable concern mixed into the expression.
"You have not heard a thing I've said, have you?" he asked with irritation, though for just a moment Vincent could have sworn he heard a touch of fear in the swordsman's deep voice.
Vincent swallowed hard, lowering his eyes in shame. He realized that Sephiroth had noticed his fascination with the insect and likely knew exactly what he'd been about to do. To make matters worse, Sephiroth had actually been trying to talk to him for once, and he'd been completely ignoring him in favor of Chaos' vile instincts. He felt his face grow a bit warm, staring down at his arms and unable to meet the other man's piercing gaze. The shame that washed over him was almost overwhelming, but it did serve to sever the last of the demon's influence… at least for the moment.
"I'm sorry… no," he quietly admitted as Sephiroth returned to sitting beside him after wiping off the bottom of his boot in the tall grass. "What were you saying?"
"How long have you been having this much difficulty controlling yourself?" Sephiroth demanded instead of repeating his words, though his tone was not unkind. Vincent cringed, his fears confirmed.
"I…"
"What seems to be the problem?" Sephiroth went on when he was unable to continue. Vincent could feel his eyes burning into him. "Is this happening often? Does my mother know what is going on?"
Vincent cringed again at the barrage of questions, trying to curl into himself and disappear within the folds of his cloak. He could feel his body begin to tremble, and it had nothing to do with Chaos or the cold. It was fear… If Sephiroth had so easily noticed his increasing battles with the hated demon after only one afternoon together, he was terrified when he considered what Lucrecia must see when she looked at him. Had she noticed his increasing struggle as well? She hadn't been acting any differently toward him other than how upset she'd been over his disappearance, so he had allowed himself to believe that everything was all right. Perhaps she really hadn't realized there was an issue. But how could he do that to her, he scolded himself, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain. If he allowed her to feel secure around him when he was in fact so close to losing control… she would never realize the danger. He would be no better than Hojo, lulling her into a false sense of security until it was too late.
"She knows about Chaos," he said weakly, his voice strained with tension. He pulled his cloak more closely around his shivering body, feeling almost as vile as the demon itself. Or was he indeed more foul for trying to live as a normal man among the innocent?
"I know that," Sephiroth snorted, still glaring at him. "But you…" He paused and sighed, and Vincent was surprised to feel his hand come to rest on his shoulder. He slowly lifted his head and turned to face his son, surprised to find that his harsh expression had softened. "You seem to be having a more difficult time than usual keeping it from taking over… Is something wrong?"
Vincent shook his head but sighed miserably. "I… don't know. There has been much on my mind, and… perhaps I am just tired." The excuse sounded lame even to his own ears, but it was the best he could offer.
Sephiroth eventually lowered his hand but continued to watch him closely. "I understand," he said to Vincent's surprise, climbing back to his feet and taking a few steps closer to the stream. "Much has happened these last few months… I, too, find myself struggling at times. But when I am at my weakest…" He sighed and kept his back to Vincent, becoming visibly tense before he spoke again. "I have learned to stop trying to hide it and be honest with Aeris about how I am feeling, so that she can help me. You are still hiding…"
For someone who didn't express his emotions well or spend much time socializing with others, Sephiroth was amazingly perceptive when he chose to be. His words cut through Vincent as if he'd used his sword instead of his voice, because he realized instantly that they were true. He was hiding… Lucrecia may have known a fair amount about Chaos, but she had never seen him actively struggling for control, something he had been very careful to prevent. At the time, he'd felt like he was protecting her from having to witness something so awful, from having to worry… but was he instead endangering both she and his own sanity?
Vincent slowly climbed to his feet, gathering his equipment and preparing to continue their mission without another word. Sephiroth kept his back to him as if he could sense the anguish that raced through his mind and didn't know what else to say. Vincent longed to tell him that he was wrong, that everything was under control… that his mother was perfectly safe with him. But both of them knew how much of a lie that would have been. He had once promised his son, while he was in the midst of his insanity, that he would never be lied to again… and it was a promise he intended to keep.
"Are you ready?" Sephiroth finally said with a brief glance over his shoulder, his expression once again unreadable. Vincent nodded stiffly, checking to be sure his gun was fully loaded and wrapping his cloak more tightly around his thin frame. The chill that remained had nothing to do with his damp clothing, radiating from the cold fear that gripped his insides with its icy fingers.
Wordlessly, Sephiroth began to walk away from the stream, leaving Vincent to follow behind him. He found he barely had the energy to put one foot in front of the other, desperately hoping they were nearly done dealing with the mutated wolves and would soon be able to head back to the base. But would he find peace even at home? He wanted nothing more than to return to Lucrecia, even as a voice in the back of his mind reminded him that every moment they spent together placed her in grave danger.
((Author's Notes: How the tables have turned! Suddenly, Sephiroth is looking like the sane one with his act together. While Vincent's gotta be proud to see that, I bet it still stings a little, heh. Vincent's thought about the "damned nosey doctor in Mideel" is a reference to the physician who saw to Avalanche after their battle with Ultimate WEAPON in Irony of Fate when Sephiroth was nearly killed. I'd like to take a moment to give a shout-out to my awesome writer friends over at the UF group on Facebook, to whom I dedicate our fallen friend, the squished cockroach. Thanks for the inspiration guys, lol. As always, I super appreciate the reviews and look forward to hearing what everyone thinks! I am doing my best to update often, since it seems this story is a bit popular. I'm pleasantly surprised! ~ JenesisX ))
