Chapter Eight: Despair

Vincent stumbled off the lift and back into the base above Junon Harbor town, his aching legs trembling beneath him. He hoped no one noticed him as he slipped back through the barracks and out onto Main Street. The guard at the lift had given him a very strange look, but his tired glare had prevented any questioning. Most people were afraid to speak to Vincent under normal circumstances, and he was quite sure he currently looked like hell. Every fiber of his being ached and burned, and the exhaustion that had taken hold of him made each step he took an enormous effort.

It had happened again. After nearly losing control to Chaos several times during the previous day, once right in front of his beloved, Vincent had once again awakened already in the midst of a transformation. Once more, he had been able to slip out of bed and into the night before the demon completely overtook him. He had lost control shortly thereafter and could remember nothing else until he awoke just before sunrise, several miles from Junon Harbor and curled up in a thick pile of brush.

During the walk back, each step he took a struggle as his entire body screamed in pain, Vincent's mind was racing with the repercussions of what had happened. Surely Lucrecia had noticed his absence within a short time, and it had been only one day since the last episode over which they had argued. How could he face her and try to explain why he had done it again when he knew how much the previous time had upset her? He could not bear to tell her the truth, certain she would leave him in fear if she knew just what was sleeping beside her. But he could not force himself to lie to her again, either. It left him with precious few options, and Vincent's mind was far too tired and clouded by pain and worry to think clearly.

When he reached the point where he could either head straight and return home to face Lucrecia, or turn left and seek refuge within his security office, he lowered his head in shame and chose the latter option. He knew she had to be frantic with worry by now and likely furious with him as well. He realized the right thing to do was to go home and talk to her, to try to explain how much difficulty he'd been having and beg her not to leave him to struggle alone. But at that moment, his entire body aching and weary, his thoughts full of fear and uncertainty, Vincent Valentine was a coward. He wrapped his tattered cloak tightly around himself, chilled despite the warmth of the morning sun, desperate to reach his office and lock himself inside until he felt stronger and more in control. Despite having had free reign yet again, he could still feel the dark presence of Chaos casting its shadow across his mind. He fought against a rising panic, terrified that he was in danger of losing control permanently and would soon be completely consumed by the demon.

Vincent felt so vile, so unworthy of life let alone love, as he reached Security Headquarters and quickly entered his small office at the end of the hall. He shut and locked the door behind him, leaving the light off and not wanting anyone to know he was there. He slumped into the chair behind his desk, closing his eyes and groaning miserably. Vincent felt trapped without the possibility of ever finding his way out, any hope he had entertained about the future buried beneath his self loathing.

In his mind, he could see Lucrecia pacing about their apartment, sick with worry. Did she think he was hurt and unable to return to her? Did she suspect he was up to no good, sneaking around behind her back in the middle of the night and unwilling to explain why? He wanted so badly to go to her, to try to explain, to hold her in his arms and beg for her forgiveness and acceptance. But the thought of losing her was so terrifying that he was unable to move. There was no way she could accept how weak he was, how dangerous he had become… Who could possibly love a man whose humanity was slowly being eaten away by a bloodthirsty demon? Perhaps Hojo's intentions had been a success after all.

Vincent knew he would die if she left him again. But as unstable as he had become, he also knew that remaining at his side only placed her in danger. That was unacceptable as well, and his head pounded as he tried to understand why he could no longer seem to reign in Chaos's thoughts and desires. It was as if the harder he tried to fight the demon and hide its presence away from the world, the harder it struggled to break free and destroy everything he'd fought to protect. Lucrecia knew a little about Chaos and its foul desires, but she did not know the extent to which it influenced Vincent's thoughts, or how hard he had to battle to keep it from overtaking him. If she did, he was certain it would destroy any safety she thought she had found in his arms, and their future together along with it.

She deserves so much better than I can ever give her…

Vincent folded his arms and laid his head down upon them on his desk, feeling as if he wanted to cry and never stop. But the tears wouldn't come, his head pounding in protest as his battered mind raced. He and Lucrecia were finally together to live the rest of their lives as a couple, but Chaos was determined to destroy it. Why did everything he loved always get taken away from him or ruined before his eyes? He had always felt as if he'd been born cursed, a foul being no one could ever truly love or accept. It was the only explanation he had for much of his difficult life, the only thing that made sense. Lucrecia had been able to look past it and his awkwardness to see the man who tried so hard to hide himself away from the world, but he was certain learning exactly how much Hojo had changed him would be too much even for her to accept.

He ground his teeth as he felt Chaos reach out and latch onto his sorrow, mocking him and attempting to use his weakness to emerge again. He cursed himself, cursed Hojo, and cursed the demon as he struggled to slam the lid on its intrusive desires. He hoped there was a hell, and that Hojo was currently burning in eternal anguish. But if there was such a place, he feared he would join him there when he died… After he had failed Lucrecia and their son for so long it was exactly what he deserved, with or without Chaos adding to his evil.

Vincent slowly lifted his head and glanced at the clock on the wall. In just one hour, he was supposed to meet with Cloud to discuss the Turks and other recent security matters. He also wanted to speak to their leader about his treatment of Sephiroth, hoping to help his son gain further responsibilities on the base. He knew he was in no condition for such a meeting, much less a potential confrontation, but he'd already had to cancel twice due to other matters he'd been needed to handle. Perhaps it would take his mind off of his problems for a while, allowing him to focus on something other than Chaos and his troubled relationship. And if he was honest, it was an excuse not to return home as well.

He glanced at the phone on his desk, momentarily considering calling Lucrecia since he had left home without his PHS or any other belongings… though he'd at least managed to grab his cloak and slip into his boots before leaving this time. He continued to stare at it but could not force himself to reach out and place the call. He knew she must be nearly hysterical by now, closing his eyes against the pain images of his lover in tears slammed into his heart. Vincent hated himself so intensely at that moment that the temptation to end his own life as he'd so often entertained in the past came rushing back. Perhaps killing himself would be the best solution for everyone after all. It would end his pain and remove the danger Chaos presented to others, allow Lucrecia to move on with her life… and Sephiroth? At least he would no longer be ashamed that he had a demonic creature calling himself his father…

Vincent found his normal hand reaching for the place where the Death Penalty should have been, frowning with both disappointment and disgust at himself when his fingers instead brushed against nothingness. Was he really so weak? In his heart, he knew that ending his life was the coward's way out, something that would cause those he loved far more pain than it might relieve even though they would finally be out of danger. But it was so tempting, to finally be at peace and end his battle with Chaos once and for all, to enter into an eternal sleep from which he could not be awakened… And if he instead went to hell, it was only what he deserved.

Vincent sighed and lowered his head again, tears burning his eyes as he pictured Lucrecia waiting for him at home and wondering what had gone wrong. He knew he would have to return to her and face what he had done eventually, but at the moment he was far too weak and tired. He closed his eyes and tried to rest before the time for his meeting with Cloud arrived, telling himself that remaining apart from his lover was the best decision for both of them and not the action of a desperate man afraid to face the truth.


((Author's Notes: Depressing, huh? This fic is about Vincent, so some good old fashioned angst and self loathing is to be expected, hehe. He's only making a bad situation worse by avoiding Lucrecia and leaving her to worry, but the poor guy is so afraid of losing her and not thinking very clearly either. Seems like a GREAT time to go and confront Cloud! I was going to include their meeting in this chapter, but decided that this scene ought to stand alone in order to have a more emotional impact (at least I hope it does). I apologize about that, but it really is coming up next. Will the meeting be between Cloud and Vincent, or Cloud and Chaos? That is the question. Good times will be had by all! Well, perhaps not. Anyway, thanks again for your support and the lovely reviews. Transformation is now leading the way in review count for me, even surpassing Irony of Fate! Please Favorite and Alert this story if you are enjoying it, too. All it takes is a click, and it makes me so happy. Til next time, cheers! ~ JenesisX ))