As promised, anyone who gives me ideas and/or prompts gets the credit for them. So...

Rules 85 and 109 were from Shadows-of-Realm.

Rule 88 was thanks to JoaniexJony.

And Rules 91, 101 and 119 were all given to me by Scotius.

You lot really worry me at times, you know... ;D


The rulebook was gaining in popularity, despite John and Rodney's best efforts. Realising that their tactics weren't working, they bit the bullet and accepted that Carson had won this particular battle...

...For the time being, anyway.

Rule 80: Fake blood and/or appendages are banned.

When SGA-7 had rushed into the Infirmary with a blood soaked Dr Fellows, Carson had nearly had a stroke. It wasn't until he began his proper examination that he discovered the arm that Sergeant Peterson was carrying was a fake one, and that Dr Fellows hadn't actually lost the appendage in a gruesome accident. He sent them packing and posted this rule mainly because he couldn't deal with half of his nurses fainting on the spot.

Rule 81: Stop throwing fake blood at Dr McKay.

SGA-7 weren't happy about Rule 79 and had retaliated by dousing unsuspecting passersby with buckets of fake blood. After Rodney had gotten a faceful and freaked out, John and Carson were livid – and SGA-7 went into hiding on the mainland.

Rule 82: Wheelchairs were not built to perform wheelies.

Despite Rule 55, SGA-6 had been bored and raced each other down the corridors in a couple of appropriated wheelchairs. When Corporal Harmon wound up in the Infirmary with a severe concussion and a fractured clavicle after his wheelie attempt went horribly wrong, Carson banned the latest craze to sweep through Atlantis.

Well, someone had to stay sane.

Rule 83: If you are given instructions by the medics, BLOODY WELL FOLLOW THEM!

Beckett and Heightmeyer had repeatedly told SGA-10 not to drink alcohol on top of their painkillers. However, their words of wisdom went in one ear and out the other. After the team were successfully rescued from the roof of the Jumper Bay (with no recollection whatsoever of how they got there in the first place), the Scotsman got so angry that he couldn't speak for two days.

Rule 84: Crutches are not swords.

A. Or clubs.

B. Or bats.

C. Enough with the violence, already!

Surprisingly enough, this rule wasn't the fault of the Military – the Gate Technicians had gotten very bored whilst on the Night Shift and decided to play Pirates Vs Hockey Players. (It turned out that Chuck, the Canadian technician, had gotten bored of being a Ninja, so opted for a Hockey Player instead). When Elizabeth had called a halt to the mock battle, they had retaliated by playing cricket instead – using the 'borrowed' crutches.

While John and Rodney found the incident hilarious, everyone else was now worried about the mental state of the people responsible for operating the Gate.

Rule 85: All homemade paintball guns are confiscated until further notice.

The Marines were a bunch of trigger-happy psychopaths. After a supposedly 'friendly' game turned violent, Carson made John take away all the guns and lock them in one of the vaults. He really couldn't deal with any more idiocy from the soldiers.

Rule 86: You cannot have an IV containing pure caffeine.

Rodney had sulked for a month when Carson posted this rule.

Rule 87: Dr Weir wishes to remind you all that SGA-1's Survival Guide is classed as mandatory reading.

A. Dr Beckett wishes to remind you that the chapter on First Aid is not to be seen as a set of suggestions.

Elizabeth and Carson had been forced to post this after John and Rodney had started an all-out war with the Medical Department over whose Guide was best. When the number of casualties rose to double figures, enough was enough. Carson locked himself in his office, Elizabeth took a two week break on the mainland – and John and Rodney were insufferably smug.

Rule 88: All horror movies are banned from the Infirmary.

After Dr Cole, Nurse Cindy and Fred the Mascot had all fled the Infirmary in terror, Carson put his foot down and banned anyone from watching any more horror movies while they were recovering. It took him six hours to convince Fred to come out from behind the sofas in the rec room and the poor thing still jumped at the sound of a chainsaw.

Rule 89: Be nice to the medics at all times.

The Chemists had forgotten that the Medical Department were in charge of lots of sharp, pointy objects – and that they knew how to use said objects to inflict massive amounts of agony.

Rule 90: Dr Biro is not to be referred to as the 'Autopsy Witch'.

A. She's not a Gremlin, either.

B. We KNOW she's a bit... different... but that's not an excuse.

Most of the expedition members were uneasy around the mousy woman and had started to call her names. Carson wasn't happy when he found his Pathologist crying in his office, waving her resignation letter around, claiming that she couldn't deal with the stress. His bad mood wasn't improved when it took him four hours to free himself from her bone-crushing hug after he promised to put a stop to the name calling.

Rule 91: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are not allowed to explore newly found laboratories without a medical team accompanying them.

A. Stop sulking about it.

B. It's for your own good.

It seemed that John and Rodney really couldn't go anywhere or do anything without causing chaos. After their latest outing into the uninhabited sections of the city resulted in the Air Force man nearly losing a leg and McKay three parts dead from blood loss, Carson took matters into his own hands. The boys weren't happy – after all, it wasn't their fault that the lab had exploded.

Well, they were ninety percent sure it wasn't...

Rule 92: Annual vaccinations are NOT voluntary.

A. They're for a reason.

B. Do you REALLY want to catch the Pegasus version of Syphilis?

The off-world teams were really starting to try Beckett's patience. He'd never been in a job where so many grown men and women were scared to death of needles.

Rule 93: Stop calling Nurse Bella names.

A. Seriously.

B. Ronon will hurt you.

It was now official – the rumour mill had a death wish. Once again, Ronon was on the warpath – only this time, he had Fred with him. And as if that wasn't scary enough, the wolf was still upset about the horror movies incident.

Rule 94: No more jokes about bagpipes.

The newbies still hadn't learnt that it wasn't a smart move to mock the Head of Medicine.

Rule 95: The ventilators are not to be used to blow up air beds.

SGA-14 had gotten bored whist in the Infirmary recovering from the 'flu and had decided to use the ventilators to blow up some airbeds. Although the ventilators worked rather well, Carson wasn't overly amused – he now had twenty three airbeds stashed in his office and couldn't get the plugs out to let them down.

Rule 96: The Medical Department are not to be referred to as 'Dr Beckett's Merry Wee Munchkins'.

Everyone was shocked to discover that it was Teyla who had been behind this rule – she'd gotten drunk with Ronon and decided to go around re-naming everything and everyone she saw. John, Rodney and Ronon thought it was hysterical, but the 'Merry Wee Munchkins' didn't see the funny side.

Rule 97: New recruits are not allowed to spar with Ronon in their first three months.

The Medics were fed up of having to put the newbies back together again once the ex-runner had finished with them.

Rule 98: Triggering the medical lockdown is not funny.

John and his ATA supergene had struck again. He'd been having an argument with Rodney in the Infirmary and to prevent the scientist from simply walking out, he'd set off the medical lockdown. To begin with it was amusing, but when John couldn't deactivate it, things got ugly.

Fifteen hours, lots of bad language and several death threats later, Rodney finally managed to persuade the Ancient mainframe that they weren't really suffering from the Plague and everyone got out. John was now avoiding the Medics as if his life depended on it.

Rule 99: Caffeine is not a substitute for regular meals.

The entire Science Department nearly went into meltdown when Carson published this rule.

Rule 100: No one is allowed to have campfires in the Infirmary.

SGA-4 and 9 had decided that they wanted a campfire one evening and (for reasons that were best left unknown) proceeded to start one in the middle of the main ward in the Infirmary. Although the flames were quickly extinguished thanks to Atlantis being sentient, this was the second time that the Medics had gotten covered in the fire retardant foam. To say they weren't happy was an understatement.

On the bright side, at least SGA-12 hadn't been present.

Rule 101: Any attempts to bribe Colonel Sheppard into activating unchecked Ancient Technology will be severely punished.

A. That includes you, Rodney.

Carson was starting to really fear for the sanity of his two friends. After John had been admitted to the Infirmary with a brand new set of fully functioning wings, this rule was posted to avoid any repeats.

As it turned out, Rodney had bet John his entire popcorn stash to think 'on' whilst holding what looked like an ornament. The thing that made Carson really mad was that the scientist already knew what would happen if the device was activated.

The pilot wasn't happy at being returned to normal – he'd really liked the idea of being able to fly without having to use a Jumper.

Rule 102: Base jumping is now banned.

After three members of the expedition were admitted to the Infirmary suffering from near heart attacks, Carson promptly banned this sport. Those responsible spent most of their time walking around in a strop and pouting.

Rule 103: Stop provoking the Science Department.

A. They're geniuses.

B. They can blow us all up.

The Marines really hadn't learnt their lesson after their last smack-down with the geeks. To prevent any carnage, the Command Staff had posted this rule as a gentle reminder. After all, while the Scientists were civilians, they were also geniuses and could make an explosive device out of pretty much anything. Elizabeth was rather fond of staying alive and in one piece.

Rule 104: Stop provoking the Military.

A. They've been taught how to kill you without leaving a mark.

B. Or breaking a sweat.

The Scientists weren't happy about being reprimanded and had taken to winding up the Soldiers as often as possible. Once again, the Command Staff had to intervene. Both sides had now called an uneasy truce.

Rule 105: Never challenge the military to Tag Rugby.

A. All Tag Rugby matches are to be supervised from now on.

The Military were a little too gung-ho about their sports – and frighteningly competitive. After a list of casualties as long as his arm were admitted for a variety of injuries, Beckett had had enough.

Rule 106: By order of Drs Weir and Beckett, Dr Zelenka's vodka is hereby confiscated until further notice.

A. When you're all sobered up, we'll talk about it.

The off-world teams had put on a party to celebrate the fact that no one had been involved in an accident whilst on a mission for nearly a month. John and Rodney had sneaked some of Radek's more potent hooch into the party and spiked the punch. Elizabeth and Carson were less than impressed when the majority of their away teams turned up the next morning with almighty hangovers and confiscated all the alcohol.

Rule 107: Grudge matches should be settled as far away from the Infirmary as humanly possible.

SGA-2 and 3 were having a hard time getting along – and it resulted in a grudge match from hell. After Major Lorne and Dr Parrish were admitted to the Infirmary with broken ribs and concussions, the remaining members of SGA-3 had decided to get back at SGA-2. When Sergeant Stackhouse joined Lorne and Parrish in the Infirmary, enough was enough.

Now both teams were having regular sessions with Heightmeyer to talk through their 'feelings'.

Rule 108: NEVER, under any circumstances whatsoever, say any of the following in the presence of Dr Beckett:

A. 'But I feel fine'.

B. 'It's only a scratch'.

C. 'Just stick a band aid on it and I'm good to go'.

D. 'It's only a flesh wound'.

Carson had reached breaking point with SGA-1 – and John and Ronon in particular. It took Rodney and Teyla nearly two days to get the Scotsman to talk to their team-mates without twitching or growling under his breath.

Rule 109: No more Jumper Races.

A. EVER.

John and Rodney were officially dead men walking. The Air Force man had challenged his friend to a Jumper race around the city, and it had ended up with him crashing into one of the piers. Although he totalled the Jumper, he got away with a couple of cuts and bumps. Despite their best efforts at hiding the mess, Elizabeth and Carson found out and went on the warpath.

John was now hiding in Rodney's lab.

Rule 110: Cards are not to be used as weapons.

A. If you're going to play poker on Team Nights, be sensible.

B. Don't make the Command Staff ban cards.

SGA-5 had been playing poker on Team Night and things had gotten a little out of hand. After Captain Laverne had been rushed into the Infirmary covered in oddly shaped cuts, Carson had reached a whole new level of furious.

Rule 111: Sleep is not an optional activity.

Rodney's bad habits were starting to rub off on the rest of the Science Department – much to Beckett's dismay.

Rule 112: Pole vaulting is banned.

John was less than amused when Carson banned this sport – it had taken him ages to build the bars.

Rule 113: No running in the halls during lunch time.

A. Even if the cooks have made chocolate brownies.

B. It'll only end in tears.

Carson had banged his head against the wall so hard that he'd nearly given himself a concussion after he was forced to post this rule. It seemed that the entire expedition had left all of their common sense back in the Milky Way.

Rule 114: Stop asking the Science Department to build cool new weapons for you.

Although the Scientists thought it was fun to have a go at building a fully functioning death ray, the rest of the expedition did not. And when Lieutenant Tremaine nearly had his head blown off by said death ray, the Command Staff freaked out.

Rule 115: The Medical Department would like to remind all Military personnel that flash-bangs are only to be used in combat situations whilst off-world.

A. Ending a grudge match with the Scientists doesn't count.

B. Remember Rule 42?

SGA-12 had been sulking over Rule 29 and decided to wind the geeks up. When the rest of the Military had joined in and the flash-bangs had made a re-appearance, John, Rodney and Carson were not impressed.

Rule 116: By order of Dr Beckett, Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are banned from participating in the Atlantis Olympics until further notice.

The official reason was that they cheated in the games the year before, but the truth was that they were two of the most accident prone people in Atlantis. At the previous games, John had managed to break his leg in the Triple Jump, while Rodney had dislocated his shoulder trying out for the Discus.

They were still sulking.

Rule 117: No more water balloon fights!

SGA-1 and 10 had decided to have a water balloon fight that had resulted in Dr Phillipos from SGA-13 slipping off the West Pier. Carson wasn't happy and SGA-13 were out for blood over the injuries suffered by their resident geek.

Rule 118: Dr Zelenka's alcohol is not to be taken off base.

The off-world teams had decided to retaliate against the ban on alcohol in the city. They reasoned that if the alcohol wasn't on base, it wasn't classed as contraband. Their plan would've worked perfectly if they hadn't chosen to go to M9S-883 – a planet where the inhabitants were all frighteningly tee-total. When SGA-14 and 15 barely escaped execution, Elizabeth and Carson quickly posted this rule to avoid any repeats.

Rule 119: Do not, under any circumstances WHATSOEVER, leave Ancient items lying around.

A. Especially if they're left in places where Colonel Sheppard might 'accidentally' pick them up.

B. You know he can't sit still for more than five minutes, people.

Whether the Scientists had made an honest mistake or not was still waiting on the jury's verdict, but once again, John found himself a guest in the Infirmary. This time, he'd activated a small cube that had given him the ability to walk on the walls and ceilings.

And once again, he was super pissed when Carson 'fixed' him. What the Scotsman didn't know, however, was that Rodney had managed to smuggle the device out of the lab for 'further experiments'.


Okay, next bit should be up by the end of tomorrow – I've got the week off work, hence the regular updates. Leave me a review or two if you're enjoying this – a little feedback goes a long way. And the badgers like it too!

*points at the shiny review button and grins*