I'm back again! Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm glad you're all still enjoying this!

Rules 160, 169, 189, 190 and 191 were all inspired by Jen-NCIS-Lover.

Rules 162, 164 and 165 were courtesy of Scotius.

Rule 163 was thought up by JoaniexJony, and Rule 166 was from rachelcooper.


A week after John and Rodney were released, they met up in the Canadian's lab.

"How you doing, buddy?" Sheppard asked, frowning as he caught McKay trying to discreetly scratch between his shoulder blades.

The scientist glared at him. "Peachy, thanks," he snapped. "I'm still itching all over! That stuff Carson gave me is useless! And have you seen my face lately?!"

John cast a critical eye over his friend – Beckett had caught him good and proper, and the resulting black eye was still visible. "Look at the bright side," he replied, giving his team-mate a grin. "At least I was there before things got worse."

Rodney sniffed and nodded. "I suppose," he conceded after a moment. "Thanks, by the way. I really thought that he was going to throttle me."

John chuckled and sank down into one of the chairs next to the workbench. "I've been thinking..."

"Did it hurt much? You shouldn't over-excite yourself, you know..."

The Air Force man gave him a mock offended look. "Funny, McKay," he drawled lazily. "Like I was saying, I was thinking we should get him back."

Rodney's ace broke into a savage grin. "And what were you thinking of exactly?"

John's own grin turned wicked. "Well..."

Rule 160: Any and all food catapults are to be dismantled immediately.

John and Rodney's payback had been impressive to say the least. The Canadian had managed to rig together two sizable catapults, which the boys then wheeled into the mess hall... After a food fight that was a worthy contender for a Guinness World Record, Carson apologised and they called a truce before ganging up on the Cooks.

Elizabeth was less than amused, however, especially since she'd walked in at the wrong moment – and got a faceful of Macaroni Cheese. Surprisingly, there had been no casualties up until that point...

Rule 161: Dr Weir is not allowed to hit crew members with the fire extinguishers.

A. It's not very diplomatic, Elizabeth.

B. Even if it feels good.

Rodney and John were back under the care of Carson, each sporting massive concussions from the life-saving equipment. Elizabeth had been in to apologise and grovel, pleading temporary insanity for her actions. Although Rodney wasn't amused, John was secretly impressed and was thinking of asking the dark haired expedition leader if she wanted to join the baseball team...

Rule 162: Stink bombs are not permitted anywhere in the city by order of Drs Weir and Beckett.

SGA-15 had decided that releasing stink bombs into the main ventilation shafts throughout Atlantis would be funny. When thirty two people were admitted to the Infirmary suffering from uncontrollable vomiting, the Command Staff went spare. (Those that weren't throwing up, anyway).

Rule 163: The heart monitors are not to be used as musical instruments.

A. Even if they do beep in time to your favourite punk rock song.

Drs Parrish, Williams and Brandenburg were closet punks. When they had taken to practicing their songs in the Infirmary using the heart monitors as a backing track, Carson actually started rocking on the spot... and not because of the music.

Rule 164: By order of Drs Weir and Beckett, all repairs, upgrades or performance tuning of the Jumpers are to be supervised by Drs McKay and Zelenka.

A. Or a competent representative designated personally by them.

The new group of engineers had decided to repair the inertial dampeners on Jumper Six by themselves. As it turned out, the 'malfunction' was only a slight one to begin with... Carson and his teams were not pleased when they had to deal with SGA-2, who were all suffering from severe motion sickness.

Rule 165: The next person to bring back anything even vaguely resembling an Iratus bug is officially on Dr Beckett's shit list.

A. Colonel Sheppard is on the verge of a complete breakdown.

B. Please don't break him. Nobody else wants to do all the really dangerous stuff.

While on Earth leave, someone found a stuffed toy that was scarily similar to an Iratus Bug. Nobody ever found out what possessed said person to bring the wretched thing back to Atlantis, but agreed that it was a stunning display of stupidity to use it as the main part of a 'harmless' practical joke inside Jumper One.

John was found in the ship, cowering on top of the main control console screaming incoherently – and spent the next week in the Infirmary curled up in a tight ball. Elizabeth was impressively furious and the rest of SGA-1 were out for blood, but it was Carson's reaction that really caught everyone's attention. The Chief of Medicine sent out a public message that stated that while he was a patient man, enough was enough. In secret, he had ordered a special set of very large needles – ones that were more commonly used on horses – to be delivered by the Daedalus on the next supply run.

The next person who was stupid enough to bring anything into Atlantis that was even vaguely Iratus-shaped was going to find out if the needles worked as well on humans.

Rule 166: Dr Beckett is not allowed to randomly sedate crew members when he feels like it.

A. Even if it's Rodney.

B. ESPECIALLY if it's Rodney.

C. 'But he was annoying me' is NOT a valid excuse.

Rodney had been pestering Carson for the better part of a week, for no better reason than the scientist being bored. Things had turned ugly when Beckett snapped and sedated McKay. Although it was now remarkably peaceful, John and Elizabeth weren't pleased.

Rule 167: Dr McKay is not allowed to sabotage Dr Beckett's shower.

A. We KNOW what he did was wrong, Rodney.

B. Getting revenge isn't very professional.

Rodney had awoken with the mother of all headaches to find that he'd been out for almost two days. In retaliation, he'd messed around with the Scotsman's shower controls. Carson now had a shower that only sprayed out cold water and turned his hair orange.

Rule 168: Dr Beckett is not allowed to permanently dye anyone an odd colour.

The revenge war between Carson and Rodney had sunk to a new low. Rodney was now a rather fetching shade of purple.

Rule 169: Laser Tag is banned.

A. Permanently.

When the Marines had asked Dr Weir if they could set up a Laser Tag course, the expedition leader had agreed – mostly to let them do something to burn off their excess energy. Unfortunately, she hadn't realised that the Marines had asked to Scientists to build the Laser guns...

When twelve people were admitted to the Infirmary with a variety of unusual injuries, the sport was added to the banned list – and the guns were locked away in a place where the Marines would never, EVER find them.

Rule 170: Do not drag race the Puddle Jumpers.

A. We know it was you, John.

Since the ban on racing Jumpers had come into force, the crew members had started to look for other ways to pass their time. John, however, had gotten extremely bored one afternoon while writing up mission reports and persuaded Lorne to have a drag race with him. Using the Jumpers. Elizabeth was now in the Infirmary gibbering quietly to herself and Carson was on the verge of knocking heads.

Rule 171: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to cartwheel through the Gate.

Lieutenant Cadman had decided to show off and cartwheel through the Gate when SGA-4 were sent to M4X-357. While it looked impressive, she ended up in the Infirmary with a broken leg and a punctured lung. It turned out that M4X-357 was a planet that had a surprisingly high ratio of cliffs.

Rule 172: Dr Beckett is not allowed to play the bagpipes, even if he thinks they sound good.

A. ESPECIALLY if it's at 4 am.

Carson had been very drunk and a little bit homesick one night, and decided to treat the rest of the city to a rendition of a traditional Scottish lament. The resulting cacophony made everyone think they were under attack.

Rule 173: Please be careful when playing with paper airplanes.

The Gate technicians had decided to make and fly paper airplanes. Unfortunately, they managed to maim themselves in some rather inventive ways and were now residents in the Infirmary.

Rule 174: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to invade the Infirmary.

A. Even if you're on a heroic 'rescue mission'.

Chuck, one of the few people to escape unharmed from the Great Paper Plane Disaster, had led a small group to bust out their colleagues. It didn't end well.

Rule 175: The Medics are not allowed to seal the Infirmary off and declare it a separate country.

Carson's minions had gone completely loopy. Now no one could get in or out without a passport.

Rule 176: The Marines are not allowed to use 'excessive force' until further notice.

On the bright side, the Infirmary was now back to normal.

Rule 177: Roller-skating is strictly prohibited.

John and Rodney had been racing each other along the pier. Needless to say, it had ended badly when John had lost his concentration and skated off the edge of the pier. Even worse, he managed to drag Rodney along with him. Now they were both in the Infirmary suffering from colds – and Rodney wasn't talking to John.

After all, he'd been 'distracted' by the very pretty Dr Rodriguez.

Rule 178: Sporks are not to be used as weapons.

A. Play nice with the other children, Rodney.

Rodney had had his revenge on John by attacking him with a spork. After Carson's eye started twitching, the boys hastily made up and quietly plotted how they could escape.

Rule 179: The French personnel are not allowed to cook for the foreseeable future.

After a bet with the Russian contingent, the French crew members had decided to cook a traditional French meal for the expedition. Three quarters of the crew were now in the Infirmary with food poisoning thanks to the 'frog legs' – it turned out that the alien version that the French team had used weren't suitable for eating.

Rule 180: You are not allowed to attack other crew members with shaving cream.

A. Even if you think they poisoned you on purpose.

The English contingent had taken revenge by attacking the French teams with shaving cream. Although nobody was hurt, the Command Staff were worried that they were going to have a recreation of Waterloo on Atlantis.

Rule 181:Skateboards are not allowed to be ridden through the Gate.

A. And yes, that means YOU, John.

John had been showing off in front of Dr Rodriguez again, and decided to ride his skateboard through the Gate. He was currently in the Infirmary waiting for his broken arm to be plastered and staring at the shattered remains of his beloved skateboard that were lying on his lap.

Rule 182: Do not give Dr McKay Morphine.

A. I'm bloody serious, people!

SGA-5 had decided that it would be funny to get Rodney looped up on Morphine. Two days later, the Canadian was still lying in his Infirmary bed talking complete gibberish.

Rule 183: Please do not provoke Ronon.

A. Especially if he's asleep.

Radek had woken Ronon up by throwing a bucket of water over him from a distance. He thought it would be safer – he was very, very wrong. He was now sporting an impressive leg cast.

Rule 184: You are not allowed to freak out the new crew members by telling them horror stories about 'side effects' caused by the ATA gene therapy.

A. It's not fair.

B. It's not mature.

C. THERE ARE NO SIDE EFFECTS!

Some of the original members had decided that the newbies were in need of some good old fashioned ribbing. So they'd proceeded to tell them in graphic details about some of the more horrific 'side effects' from having the ATA gene therapy. Now Heightmeyer had three new groups and the Command Staff were not impressed.

Rule 185: Drs Weir and Beckett wish to remind all crew members that they are not allowed to stun the Cooks.

A. Even if they HAVE hidden the chocolate fudge cake.

B. Have you forgotten about the riots?

The Cooks weren't making very many friends among the rest of the expedition.

Rule 186: You are not allowed to superglue Rodney to his laptop.

Miko and Radek had been bored. Now Rodney was stuck and they were in hiding.

Rule 187: You are not allowed to superglue John to the controls of Jumper One.

Miko and Radek had struck again – and John had to fly around the city until the glue wore off.

Rule 188: Superglue is now classed as a contraband item.

The Command Staff had had enough. When asked, though, they would firmly deny that the new rule had anything to do with them being stuck to their chairs in the conference room for nearly two days.

Rule 189: No more Extreme Frisbee matches.

A. Even if you ARE playing it on the pier.

The Marines were up to no good once more – and seven people were admitted to the ward with injuries ranging from cuts and concussions to pneumonia.

Rule 190: Bungee Jumping off of the towers is now banned.

A. Doing it to 'impress the ladies' is NOT a viable excuse, John.

John really needed to get over his school boy crush on Dr Rodriguez. He'd decided to impress her by bungee jumping off the main tower. Although it looked extraordinary and he managed to avoid any injuries, seventeen people had fainted on the spot.

Rule 191: Paper-plate Frisbee is now banned.

In retaliation to Rule 189, the Marines had decided to play a 'safe' version of the sport, using paper plates. After Carson and his staff spent the entire morning attending to paper cuts, the Scotsman was on the verge of strangling the Marines.

Rule 192: Duct tape was not invented to be used as a thief deterrent.

The Cooks had taken being stunned badly and had stolen the Science Department's entire stash of Duct tape to create an elaborate trap to stop anyone from sneaking midnight snacks. John, Rodney, Lorne, Ronon and Bella were now in the Infirmary having the wretched stuff removed.

Rule 193: Mess with Colonel Sheppard's hair at your own peril.

Unfortunately, John had come off the worst after the Duct tape incident and had needed to have his hair cut. He was now stalking through the city being snappish.

Rule 194: Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to order his 'Friendly Marines' to beat up people.

A. I don't care if they made fun of your hair.

John was in BIG trouble with Elizabeth and Carson, especially since his Marines had gotten a bit too enthusiastic.

Rule 195: The Scientists are not allowed to build working replicas of light sabres.

Carson was now having regular sessions with Heightmeyer.

Rule 196: Personnel are not allowed to refer to any of the Medical Department's equipment as 'the machine that goes PING!'

A. ENOUGH WITH THE MONTY PYTHON JOKES!

SGA-10 had thought it would be funny to do this. After Carson nearly threw the scanner at them, they decided to pack it in.

Rule 197: Don't patronise Fred.

A. He happens to be an extremely intelligent alien wolf.

B. And he bites.

Kavanaugh had done this and was now in the Infirmary with a variety of bite marks all over him. Fred, meanwhile, just lay next to the Chemist's bed and growled.

Rule 198: Dr Beckett is not allowed to talk the cooks into making Haggis.

A. It's disgusting.

B. You'll cause another riot.

C. Would it help if we promised to stay out of trouble?

To get his own back on the rest of the expedition, Carson had somehow managed to bribe the Cooks into making nothing but Haggis for a whole week. While his plan worked, he hadn't accounted for the number of people who turned up at the Infirmary complaining of stomach problems.

Rule 199: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to imitate movies while on base.

A. Swinging from one balcony to another is not a good idea.

B. Even if Tarzan could do it.

C. You are NOT Tarzan.

The Command Staff were amazed at how stupid SGA-6 had been, and less than impressed to find the entire team out of commission for a month while they recovered from their latest 'misadventure'.


Tee hee! I have WAY too much free time on my hands – if you know what I mean...