Credits first, so:
Rules 223 and 224 were courtesy of LetyBaroque.
Rule 225 was thanks to T-man626.
Rule 230 was one of Shadows-of-Realm's ingenious suggestions.
And Rules 227, 228 and 238 were all from Scotius.
Thanks to everyone for the ideas and for the reviews. The badgers are all doing their Dinky Badger Dance of Happiness© - which is ALWAYS a good thing!
PS: In case anyone hadn't realised yet, this is classed as humour – which I often take to mean 'crack!fic'. So if anyone seems to be acting a little OOC, you can blame it on that reason. (I know a couple of people weren't taken with John's reactions to the Iratus Bug, but in my mind having a grown man screaming like a little girl is just funny. Sorry if that's not your thing and please be assured that no offence is intended or taken. It's just the way my twisted little head works. :P)
Carson couldn't believe just how popular his Rulebook was becoming – or how long, for that matter. What surprised him even more was the fact that people were coming to him with suggestions for entries. And that most of the really stupid things were being done by his two best friends...
Rule 200: Standing on the spot and screaming is not particularly helpful.
A. We may be good, but we're not bloody mind readers.
Dr Grayson had somehow managed to impale his hand on a sharp spike while in the lab. Carson hadn't been overly impressed by the panicked message he got over the radio – which consisted of guttural screams.
Rule 201: The Medical Department are not allowed to waste supplies by inventing new games.
A. We don't CARE if it's a really cool game!
The Medics were gleefully trying to send the rest of the expedition insane. A group of doctors had decided to tie sponges to their feet and race down wet hallways. Then the nurses got involved and before long, everyone else had locked themselves in their quarters.
Rule 203: 'He started it!' is not an excuse.
A. Neither is 'But he did it first!'
B. Enough!
John and Rodney had struck again, and this time it involved a water fight that ended up with both of them having to be fished out of the ocean next to the south pier. The argument had started while they were in the Infirmary being checked over, and now everyone was convinced that they were actually related.
(And for once, it was John's fault.)
Rule 204: Do not steal Dr Beckett's lab coat.
There were some very strange people on Atlantis. Someone had taken Carson's beloved lab coat only to return it the next day. The incident would've gone unnoticed if said person hadn't dyed it neon pink. Now the Scotsman was wandering around Atlantis with Fred, doing on the spot searches of random personnel.
Rule 205: Only Dr Zelenka is allowed to make alcohol.
A. We mean it, people.
B. We can't cope with any more explosions.
Some of the newer members had tried their hand at making a still. Now Carson had a bunch of new patients and Radek was gloating.
Rule 206: Do not shout around Fred.
A. He doesn't like it.
Carson had been livid when he found the alien wolf hiding under his bed. His anger had reached new heights when he discovered that Major Lorne and Dr Parrish were to blame – they'd had a massive argument next to Fred.
Rule 207: Dr Beckett is not 'The Highlander'.
A. Stop giving him ideas.
Some of the SGA teams had started calling Carson this and the Scotsman had let it go to his head. It had taken Elizabeth the better part of three hours to convince him that he wasn't really immortal and that carrying a huge Satedan sword around wasn't a good idea.
After all, Ronon wasn't happy when other people took his 'baby' away from him.
Rule 208: Remote controlled car races are not to be held in the hallways.
A. Or busy communal areas.
B. Or the Infirmary.
The Marines had bribed the Scientists into making them a bunch of remote controlled cars. They had then taken to racing said cars anywhere they could. Needless to say, there were a lot of injuries and Carson was angry.
The Marines were upset because John took their new toys away. John was upset because Carson had shouted at him.
Rule 209: Face painting is now on the list of prohibited activities.
Teyla, Cadman and Katie Brown had been extremely bored, and had decided to paint John, Rodney and Lorne's faces. While they looked impressive as Wraith, Ronon had been startled and now the three men were in the Infirmary. Carson just thanked the deities in the sky that the ex runner hadn't had his blaster with him at the time.
Rule 210: You are not allowed to re-paint the Infirmary.
John and Rodney had decided to re-paint the Infirmary a rather fetching shade of blue, claiming that it 'brought out the colour of Carson's eyes'. While most of the expedition liked the new look, the Medics were less than impressed... and Beckett was starting to feel seriously worried about the pair.
Rule 211: Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to skateboard anywhere in the city.
After John had managed to persuade Rodney to fix his skateboard – in reality, he'd threatened to hang him upside down from the top tower if he didn't – he had started to skate everywhere. When Dr Weir caught him using the banisters as impromptu grind rails, she was very angry.
John, meanwhile, found himself in the Infirmary recovering and refusing point blank to explain how he got injured in the first place.
Rule 212: Do not meddle with the Transporter controls.
A. We'll sic Rodney and Radek on you.
SGA-14 had bribed Miko into messing with the Transporter controls. After most of the expedition reported to the Infirmary with motion sickness and dizzy spells, Carson got so angry that he spoke nothing but Gaelic for seventy two hours.
Rule 213: If you are on medication, you are not allowed back on duty until Dr Beckett clears you.
Major Lorne had been given some meds for a migraine. Unfortunately, the drugs did strange things to him and it took John and his Marines five hours to talk Evan down from the balcony railing.
Rule 214: Keep your shoelaces tied at all times.
A. We shouldn't have to tell you this, people!
Captain Bobbins had decided to waltz around the Gate Room with her shoes untied, claiming she was starting a new fashion trend. It wasn't a problem until she tripped at the top of the stairs and created Atlantis' very first human pile-up. Carson was on the verge of spitting fire.
Rule 215: Drs Weir and Beckett would like to remind all personnel that the MALPs are not to be used as impromptu go-carts.
A. Stop breaking them!
B. We don't have many left.
C. The SGC are tight-fisted.
The Marines and the Scientists had gotten bored and raced each other using the MALPs. Needless to say, half of them ended up in the Infirmary and the Command Staff had to explain to Stargate Command why they needed six brand new MALPs.
Rule 216: You are not allowed to use clipboards to surf down the stairs.
A. I don't care if they did it on Jackass.
B. I'm sick of patching you all up!
The Marines had taken the MALP racing ban badly... and come up with something equally stupid. Carson was now growling under his breath and eyeing up his bigger needles.
Rule 217: Do not call Dr Beckett a 'mother hen'.
A. Especially if it's to his face.
B. Do you REALLY want to get on his bad side?
Carson wasn't impressed at the newest rumour to come from the rumour mill. Neither were the Command Staff – they were fed up of having to clean up after the Scotsman's rampages.
Rule 218: Do not run around the Infirmary chanting, 'Beam me up, Scotty!'
A. Carson will go postal.
Major Jordan of SGA-8, who was a closet Trekkie, had done this. He was still limping.
Rule 219: For the love of everything holy, please, PLEASE stop hiding Dr McKay's coffee.
A. Pack it in, John.
B. This is no way to deal with coffee addiction.
John and Rodney were pushing their luck. When John hid Rodney's coffee stash, the resulting carnage scared the rest of the expedition – and Carson wasn't impressed when the scientist lost the ability to form coherent sentences. John hastily gave back all the coffee and promised he'd never, ever do it again. Carson figured that he was serious – he didn't cross his fingers behind his back once.
Rule 220: Senior personnel are reminded that we are in the lost city of Atlantis, not a college frat house.
A. That means you can't haze the newbies.
B. It's bad for morale.
Carson had been inundated with patients, most of whom were the new intake of staff. Neither he nor Elizabeth were pleased and shared said displeasure with John. The Air Force man simply gave them his best 'who, me?' look and went into hiding.
Rule 221: Bean bags are not meant to be used as weapons.
A. Just because they're not technically pillows doesn't mean that you can have pillow fights with them.
B. The pillow fights were banned for a reason, remember?
The Botanists had persuaded the Daedalus to ship in a bunch of beanbags for the rec room. SGA-1, 3 and 6 had gotten into a fight over whose turn it was to use the rec room and had grabbed the nearest thing to hand. Now all three teams were in the Infirmary with an impressive collection of bruises, cuts and broken bones and Carson was going prematurely grey.
Rule 222: Bonfires are to be supervised at all times.
It had been firework's night and some of the SGA teams decided to build a bonfire on the north pier. Unfortunately, they'd left SGA-12 in charge of watching the fire while the fireworks were set up...
Carson spent the next day and a half dealing with burnt appendages.
Rule 223: Do not criticize the Athosians.
A. Teyla is seriously scary when she gets mad.
B. She has sticks.
C. They hurt – A LOT.
The newbies had decided to mock the Athosians and Teyla found out about it. Luckily, Ronon and John managed to stop her from actually killing anyone, but now most of the guilty party were limping and Carson wasn't pleased.
Rule 224: Do not eat Tuttleroot soup.
A. We have different reactions to native foodstuffs.
SGA-9 had decided to take Teyla up on her invitation to attend one of the Athosians harvest ceremonies on the mainland. When the team returned to the city suffering from severe allergic reactions, Carson hastily posted this rule.
Rule 225: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are no longer allowed to play Badminton unless they are supervised.
John and Rodney had been playing a doubles match against Lorne and Parrish. When both of the boys decided to try and take a return volley, they had almost decapitated each other. It turned out that running in reverse with your head back and arm extended was incredibly dangerous, especially if your partner was doing the same thing. Carson rolled his eyes and muttered about 'boys and their toys' under his breath.
Rule 226: The Marines are reminded that they are not allowed to push the Scientists off of balconies.
A. Even if it IS Kavanaugh.
B. We KNOW Colonel Sheppard did it to Dr McKay.
C. Rodney was wearing a personal shield at the time.
The Marines had gotten pissed off with Kavanaugh and decided to push him off of the balcony in the Gate Room. Although it was funny, Carson wasn't happy – he now had to put up with the long-haired git for the better part of a month while all the broken bones mended.
Rule 227: Skeet shooting is not allowed.
A group of Marines had decided to have a competition at clay pigeon shooting. (The fact that they didn't have any clay pigeons and had to improvise didn't seem to bother them too much). Everything went fine until some of the teams got a little bit trigger happy. Jumper Three, which was returning from the mainland, took some fire and landed very quickly and uncomfortably. Surprisingly, other than calming the shocked passengers, Carson hadn't had to do much, so left John and Rodney in charge of punishment.
They did an admirable job.
Rule 228: Dr McKay is no longer allowed to bring gifts back from Earth unless they've been checked by his team-mates.
A. Don't sulk, Rodney.
B. You should know better than to antagonise Carson.
On his last trip back to Earth, Rodney had stumbled across a 'Voodoo Witch Doctor' play set – containing a small rag doll, pins, fake herbs, some very realistic looking needles and a rubber chicken with a detachable head. In a display of stupidity that put the rest of the base to shame (and proving that even his survival instinct wasn't one hundred percent infallible), he decided to deliver his gift personally to Beckett. The good doctor smiled amiably and took it as his cue...
During the next couple of days, nobody saw Rodney sitting down. Or moving quickly.
Rule 229: Any and all games of 'Dunk the Scientist' are to cease IMMEDIATELY.
A. Radek's getting water-logged.
B. And Rodney's getting angry.
C. Not to mention that Carson's started twitching again...
The Marines were now notorious for doing stupid things when bored. Their latest form of amusement was to chuck random scientists off of the pier. Unfortunately, they picked on Radek one too many times and Rodney went postal. Carson and John had had to scrape the Soldiers off of the floor.
Rule 230: Whoever started Laser Tag up again is in SERIOUS trouble.
A. We banned this sport, remember?
B. We've got enough problems with hostile enemies wanting to kill us without you lot adding to it!
Laser Tag was back again.
Nobody knew who'd managed to break out the guns from the vaults, but chaos soon reigned in the city. It got so bad that the Command Staff were forced to bring 'Genghis' out of storage. Unsurprisingly, when faced with a massive robot that spat out rubber bands at speeds that caused serious injury the game soon stopped and the guns were left outside Elizabeth's office.
The best part was that there was a note taped to them reading: 'We're all very, VERY sorry, Dr Weir. We promise never to do it again. Honest. Cross our hearts and hope to die. (Though we'd prefer to stay alive). PS: Can you please call the robot off?'
Rule 231: Playing soccer tournaments in the Gate Room is now officially banned.
A. This is not up for discussion.
B. You'll make Carson cry again.
SGA-7 and 11 had decided to have a footie match in the Gate Room and soon there was a fully fledged Football Championship up and running. Unfortunately, soldiers and competitive sports did not play well together and Carson quickly had his hands full. When his bottom lip started trembling, Elizabeth put her foot down.
Rule 232: Do not run with Wraith Stunners.
Corporal Doughty had done this – and ended up bumping into Radek. The weapon discharged and now both men were recovering from the pins and needles effect.
Rule 233: If you are going to play Scrabble, please be sensible.
John and Rodney were in trouble yet again. Their game of Scrabble had turned violent after an argument about whether the words 'Wraith', 'Genii' and 'Asurans' could be used, seeing as how they weren't in the dictionary. Rodney accused John of cheating and things had just degenerated from there, really.
John was now in the Infirmary with Rodney, trying to explain why his geek had Scrabble pieces jammed up his nose. Carson reached a whole new level of livid.
Rule 234: Crew members' flag patches are not to be defaced.
The English still hadn't forgiven the French for trying to poison them with alien frogs and had vandalised all the French flag patches on base. The resulting fight was not pretty and now Carson was left with a full ward. He really was awestruck at how stupid his colleagues could be.
Rule 235: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to fight over lollipops.
A. Grow up, you lot!
B. And why don't I get one?!
No one knew where the now infamous lollipop stash had come from, but certain members took exception to the fact that they didn't have one – namely John and Rodney. After a massive brawl in the mess that pit John, Rodney, Carson, the Medics and the Scientists against everyone else on base, Elizabeth went mental.
Rule 236: Sugar is hereby rationed to three spoonfuls a day until further notice.
The Scientists had struck again, and now everyone was worried about the so-called geniuses responsible for the maintenance of the city. Carson simply banged his head against the wall, muttering 'I told you so' to anyone that walked past while Fred was chasing the now rather bouncy geeks around the city.
Rule 237: The city's self destruct mechanism is not a toy.
A. Leave it alone, SGA-12!
B. We told you to WATCH them, people!
The pyromaniac team had decided that the self-destruct sequence made an interesting toy. After most of the Command Staff were admitted to the Infirmary with stress, Carson rounded the team up. No one knew what happened next as SGA-12 still weren't speaking.
At all.
Rule 238: Rubber chickens are strictly forbidden on Atlantis.
A. Don't ask.
It had all started when SGA-2 had been forced to stay in the Infirmary with a 'flu-like disease. Corporal Jenkins got very bored, very fast and went exploring. He soon found the rubber chicken left from Rodney's now infamous Witch Doctor present.
The ensuing game of 'Toss the Chicken' soon involved his entire team and most of the Infirmary staff. Things only went south when Ronon appeared in search of Nurse Bella. Noticing an oddly shaped missile coming his way, his survival instincts kicked into high gear – meaning that the Satedan promptly incinerated it with his blaster. The surprisingly thick cloud of acrid black smoke triggered an immediate reaction from the city's systems, and Atlantis dumped a colossal amount of fire retardant foam in the Infirmary.
Everyone involved found the incident hilarious – except for the cleaning staff, of course. Elizabeth had to do a LOT of fast talking to prevent them from going on strike. On the bright side, Carson took everything rather well, reflecting on the escapade quite philosophically.
But then again, he'd been the one who threw the chicken the wrong way.
Rule 239: Do not chase each other around Atlantis with sticks.
A. Or anything that can be used as a potential weapon.
B. STOP IT!!!
Rodney had heard what happened to the rubber chicken he'd bought for Carson and wasn't amused when he found the Scotsman in mourning for the inanimate object. In a surprising show of stamina, stupidity disguised as bravery and anger, he'd chased Ronon and Corporal Jenkins around the city with a pair of Hockey sticks.
John had been too shocked to do anything but watch, while Elizabeth hid under her desk and contemplated becoming an alcoholic.
Bwahahahaa! *grins evilly* Review if you want some more, and don't forget to tell me if there's anything you have a burning desire to see!
