"Forgive me, Master," I whisper even though I hate myself for apologizing.
"You are forgiven," Aro coos, stroking my bare back with his too cold hand. I don't reply: I can't. "You have not fed, it is understandable." Why does Aro say out loud that the reason I don't enjoy him is because I have not fed. He knows perfectly well, from my thoughts that I hate him but I am too cowardly to tell him to stop. He has touched me in so many ways, so many times, that every word he speaks to me is a lie…and I'm just a scared little girl. Without warrant to enter, pity floods my body and I want it expelled. I do not want pity!
"Until tomorrow night, Jane," Aro whispers and kisses the top of my head before leaving. I sit on my messy bed, naked, and see myself from the mirror that sits across my room. All I can see is a small, scared girl who has nothing, physically, at least. It makes me wonder what he sees in me, perhaps the challenge of conquering, or harnessing a power he will never have. If that is his goal, he's already won, because as much as I hate to admit it; I gave him his victory the very first time he came to "talk" to me.
I was so foolish back then. So foolish and blind. But most of all, hopeful. When he told me he loved me I believed him, and because of that I gave myself to him. But he doesn't love me, and I learned that the hard way.
Without getting dressed I go to my small bathroom and turn on the water. I wait until the steam envelopes the small room and I can't see my hand even though it is only a few inches in front of me. Contented, I slide into the scalding water that fills my bathtub. This is the only way I can make myself feel something while getting rid of him on me.
Thank you Lord for showers.
"Jane!" I hear the voice of my brother and I cuss under my breath. Damn Alec for interrupting my moment of peace; I get so few of them now…
"I'm busy!" I shout, I know he can hear me. I hear him grumble but walk away, and am contented for a moment, but then saddened. Now I hide from my brother, my closest confidante, my partner in crime, my former best friend. I deceive everyone around me, everyone except Aro because he is the only one who knows my true thoughts, even though he ignores them, and that sadness me.
I draw an angel on the glass, liking how the vapor makes my shower a drawing board. But nothing last forever, and soon the pretty little angel starts streaming away until there is nothing left except running water. I watch the sparkling droplets of water collect at the bottom of the shower and I tap my feet mindlessly splashing water…it feels so good to not have to be controlled here even if it is just moving my feet.
I laugh dryly as I realize what I have come to. If only I could run away, escape, be free…the thought is cut short as soon as I think of what the consequences of that choice are. Death, a five letter word that spells out eternity, don't you think it would be longer? I realize that dead and life have the same number of letters, as well as Jane, and I wonder what that could mean…I am technically caught between death and life, being a vampire and all.
With a sudden realization of how long I have been in the shower, for a vampire, I turn of the water, which by the way seems cold now, and wrap a towel around me. I'm reminded of how the towel is unnecessary, I have nothing to hide, no figure to flaunt or boast of; just pale skin holding together a girl that is falling apart everywhere inside.
Not sparing the mirror another glance I throw on whatever clothes are near and exit my room, I feel like going to mass…no one follows me to mass, except Marcus sometimes but his silent company is welcome. We both know loss: he lost his wife and I lost myself, yet, I don't know which one is worse. I will never know which one is worse because I will never physically "grow up" and love someone and them me.
I am Jane Volturi, and that says enough. It strength and weakness, evil and innocent, yet it is power and weakness. I don't like to think of myself as Jane Volturi anymore, in all honesty, I don't think of myself as anything. You know, if there was a prize for who could have the lowest self-esteem, I would win it, I would probably win a lot of trophies that no one wanted.
Stop! I shouted at myself. Look at the flowers, the sky, the happy people, I tried to make myself happy and think of my surroundings. My plan backfired, seeing as the flowers are dead, the sky is gray, and the people were walking in a funeral procession. I resorted to looking at the cobblestone street as I walked until I reached Marcus's Cathedral just in time for Mass to begin.
I sat silently in a pew towards the back and listened intently as the priest's word echoed back to where I sat. I quietly listened, murmured the appropriate responses, and prayed diligently, hoping that God would listen and have mercy. I wondered briefly if people thought vampires were cursed because God never listened to the prayers of the damned and that's why I had my bad luck. A sudden realization hit me as I understood that it wasn't God's fault where I am now; it's mine! I let Aro have his way with me, granted if I refused I would not be alive, but I wonder if that is better than the "life" I am living now.
A brief glimpse of movement alerted me that it was time to receive Communion, and I slowly rose. I was the last in line and by the time I received the priest they had run out of bread; ironic? I think not.
"One minute, child," he gently patted my shoulder and I waited patiently, like the good little girl I appeared to be. Shortly after I was given the body of Christ and made the sign of the cross before returning to where I sat. The rest of the Mass seemed to pass by in a blur and I was only awakened to my surroundings when we were told to give the Sign of Peace. No one spoke to me, much less shake my hand or embrace me.
So I continued to sit in the back, alone, staring at the crucified Jesus at the center of the altar, and trying to understand. I looked at his crown of thorns, and wondered if it felt differently to physically have to wear one, or wear one that confined and pierced your heart, letting everything that made me, "me" bleed out.
After Mass ended I hurried out only to be stopped by a group of boys who I had seen at Mass.
"Hey," one of the boys said, forcing me to stop, "I'm Jeovanni."
"I'm Jane," I said, giving him a look that clearly said I did not want to talk to him.
"Jane, that's a pretty name," he said, and his friends snickered, "But, um, I was wondering if you could give me a map, because I'm getting lost in your eyes."
"Is that the best you can do?" I ask, sneering, what is it with boys and stupid pick-up lines. "No." But really, what I think is that maybe I'm not the only one who sees how lost I am. I'm clued in by his friends laughing that I'm just imagining things and he's a regular hormonal boy. They simply laughed harder as an awkward silence took residence between us. I turned on my heel and began to walk away, grumbling at the incompetence of young mortals.
"Jane, wait!" he shouted and ran to catch up with me. "Please, I made a bet. Just go on a date with me, please?!"
I gave him a second glance, and had to admit he wasn't that bad looking, nothing compared to vampire beauty, but not too shabby for a human.
"Why should I?" I asked him, "I don't know you."
"Because everyone deserves a chance."
As soon as he said that, I began to consider his plea. For a fraction of a second I wondered if he would be saying the same thing if he knew what I was. But more importantly, it provided me an opportunity to get out of the castle and be me! And he really did look nice.
"Okay," I smiled faintly, "I'll go on a date with you."
"Really?" he asked, surprised at his own luck. The jaws of his friends all dropped in synchronization which was kind of funny to see.
"Yes," I said, though it sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than him. "Time and date?"
"Um, let me think, hold on, sorry," he said flustered, "well, what works for you?"
"I can do anything," I said, thinking of my loose schedule at "home." Ever since things first started with Aro, I was pretty much allowed to do anything, except tell the secret, not that I would, it was to shameful to comprehend, let alone speak of.
"That's what she said," one of his friends snickered, making them all laugh. I gave them a death glare while inflicting minimal pain so they wouldn't know.
"So, how about tomorrow aw six?" he asked.
"Six is fine," I said, "Where do you want to go?"
"How about at Carmelos?" he asked. I simply nodded, there was no need to overcomplicate, it's not like I would be eating anyway. "Er, where should I pick you up?" He asked.
"I'll just meet you there," I whisper, it's not like I could tell him to pick me up at the castle.
"Okay, yeah, that's great," he smiles, "so I'll see you tomorrow at six. Bye."
"Bye," I whisper and walk away slowly, heading back for the prison that was the castle. Halfway there, I walk slowly and decide to take a longer way to reach the castle.
I unconsciously realize that there is a slight bounce to my step and the world doesn't seem as oppressing as it did an hour ago. I have a reason to escape Aro for one night, and that in itself is a reason to celebrate! I hummed a tune under my breath and even skipped a little, I was free!
Thank you, Lord! I exalted as a girlish grin began to appear on my face. And then, without warning, an emotion that I had not felt in a long time saturated my body: hope.
