Wotcha! Here's the next gripping instalment – hope you enjoy! Oh, and credits to:

Scotius: Rules 240, 255, 256, 257, 258 and 270.

Shadows-of-Realm: Rules 247 and 279.

rachelcooper: Rule 248.

LetyBaroque: Rules 242, 243, 244 and 245.

Jen-NCIS-Lover: Rules 252, 253, 262, 263 and 264.

JoaniexJony: Rule 246.

You guys are the best. Oh and just so y'all know, I'm back at work now, so updates will be a little bit slower than last week.

PS: Corporal Jenkins, Dr Singh and Staff Sergeant Estevez all belong to Scotius, who kindly let me borrow them.


Rule 240: Dr Weir would like to remind everyone that the ban on constructing non-regulation weapons is still in place.

John got so jealous of Ronon's blaster that he talked Rodney into reverse-engineering a similar weapon for him. The Canadian used a souped-up Wraith stunner as the basis for said weapon – which turned out to be a big mistake. The energy pulse emitted when the contraption exploded stunned both of them, and everybody else in a fifty metre radius. Carson wasn't a happy camper when he had to treat two concussions, four broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a full spectrum of cuts and bruises.

Rule 241: The French personnel are now banned from the kitchens.

A. Indefinitely.

B. We like being able to eat without fear of being ill afterwards.

Sergeant Stackhouse of SGA-2 was awarded a promotion to Lieutenant for his services on Atlantis, and the Command Staff put on a ceremony to celebrate. Unfortunately, they enlisted the French teams to cater for the event. Carson's staff had to deal with complaints of bad stomachs and projectile vomiting from three quarters of the attendees – including the Scotsman.

Rule 242: Dr McKay, Lieutenant Cadman and vast quantities of C4 are not to be left together.

A. This is a dangerous combination, people.

When Atlantis decided to go into lockdown for no apparent reason, Rodney and Laura got trapped in the Armoury. Putting a tap-dancing explosives expert and a claustrophobic genius who could build atomic bombs in a room filled with scarily large amounts of C4 turned out to be a very dangerous thing to do.

Luckily, no one was badly hurt in the ensuing explosion, but Carson threw a fit when he heard that Rodney had nearly blown himself up again.

Rule 243: All alcohol is banned until further notice.

A. Do not let Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay tell you otherwise.

B. They're the ones whose fault this is.

John and Rodney plus alcohol equalled two very stupid people and a big mess. The boys had gotten drunk one evening while watching the Back to the Future films and decided to try and build their very own De Lorean. One thing led to another and now both of them were in the Infirmary with hangovers that could topple a herd of elephants and some very interesting burn marks.

It wasn't until later that morning that Elizabeth discovered the remains of what used to be one of the Biologists labs...

Rule 244: Teyla and Ronon are not allowed to fight each other until further notice.

A. Just... no.

Just when Elizabeth and Carson thought that they were safe from SGA-1, the other two members of the team turned up in the Infirmary. Rather than coming to visit their team-mates, they were there to get patched up after a sparring session ended badly. After seeing the state of them, Carson posted this rule – after all, they were both frighteningly strong and there had been an awful lot of blood.

He still wasn't convinced that it was all theirs.

Rule 245: Personnel are not allowed to play Johnny Cash whilst in the Infirmary.

A. It's far too bloody depressing.

John's love of the 'Man in Black's' music had a negative effect on everyone. When Rodney and Ronon started to plot revenge, Carson took away John's CD player and albums to prevent any fatalities. After all, when the Satedan and the scientist got together the results were spectacular... and terrifying.

Rule 246: Dr Beckett's stash of home-made scones is strictly off-limits to ALL personnel.

Carson's mum sent him a regular care package that contained a batch of her home-made scones. That would have been fine but some of the Medics decided that since Carson was loathe to sharing said scones with them that they were going to help themselves while he wasn't looking.

When the Scotsman discovered a couple of crumbs left in the container, he broke the Hippocratic Oath nine different ways and now two of his med teams were on enforced leave until all their broken bones had healed.

Rule 247: Goa'uld costumes are not to be worn in the city.

A. It's not funny.

B. You're creepy as a Goa'uld, John.

For a joke, General O'Neil had sent John a Goa'uld costume that came with a mask equipped with a built in voice changer. Alongside the Anubis Drone outfit was a whole host of replica Goa'uld weaponry, including a pain stick, a hand ribbon and Zat'nik'tel. The Air Force man promptly decided to play dress up and scared the hell out of nearly everyone on the base. After nearly being decapitated by Ronon, John quickly realised the error of his ways and tried to get the helmet off. Unfortunately, it got stuck...

After three hours, Rodney and Radek finally managed to cut the wretched thing off, but not without busting John's nose. Carson and Elizabeth were not amused – and both John and General O'Neill were in the doghouse.

Rule 248: Dr McKay is a doctor of Science, not Medicine.

A. Isn't that right, Rodney?

The Canadian had been extremely bored one afternoon while cataloguing Ancient artefacts and had wandered down to the Infirmary to see if Carson wanted to join him for a late lunch. When he strode in to the Scotsman's office, a wicked idea formed in his head...

Three hours later, Carson came round to find that Rodney had drugged his tea and gone off to play Doctors for the afternoon. Before he had a chance to strangle his friend, the man in question ran into his office and slammed the door shut, dragging a crate across in front of it. He then hid under the desk, sobbing.

As it turned out, the Marines had found yet another way to damage themselves and Rodney had gone mental at them in what was, by all accounts, a scarily good impression of Carson. (He'd even done the Scottish accent). Unfortunately, he didn't have as much clout and now the Marines were out for blood.

Namely, his.

So Carson walked out to face them (albeit woozily) and ten minutes later, the problem went away...

Rule 249: I said no more revenge wars!

A. STOP IT RIGHT NOW, YOU TWO!!!

Carson had decided to re-pay Rodney for his little 'stunt' and proceeded to spend the next week calling the scientist in for extra 'vitamin' shots and random check-ups. That wouldn't have been a problem, but he'd started to do it late at night (or rather, early in the morning) and Rodney was walking around looking as though he'd give a zombie a heart attack.

When two Wraith cruisers decided to get a little bit too close for comfort, Rodney was a fraction too slow getting the cloak up. Thankfully, the Daedalus was in orbit and took care of the problem, but John and Elizabeth were furious.

Rule 250: Motorbikes are banned.

A. Don't even think about starting with me.

SGA-8 had returned from their latest mission the proud owners of a contraption eerily similar to an Earth motorbike. Apparently, they'd made one hell of an impression on M9G-003 – so much so that the leader of the Trastarians had given them the gift. Everyone on base thought it was very cool, and soon a rota had appeared for those who wanted a go.

The problems only started when SGA-8's geek, Dr Wilson, bet his team leader that she couldn't ride it through the Infirmary without being caught. Captain Petrov was not a woman to back down from a dare and pulled it off... almost. She would've gotten away with it if she hadn't decided to go back and do a 'lap of honour'.

Carson was VERY angry and SGA-8 were on KP duty for the next two months. The 'motorbike', meanwhile, was confiscated by John and Rodney...

Rule 251: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to participate in science competitions.

When Rodney suggested holding a science fair in the city, Elizabeth agreed, thinking it would be a good morale booster. SGA-2's resident geek, Dr Singh, decided to make a working model of a volcano for the First Atlantis Science Fair and the rest of the team happily lent him a helping hand, scrounging materials from all over the city.

The presentation of the volcano went beyond the wildest expectations of, well, everyone. The quarter of the city that had been used to hold the fair was uninhabitable for the next month. The maintenance crews were forced to clean up ridiculous amounts of foam, Carson had a field day treating all the burns and personnel suffering from smoke inhalation, and Elizabeth seriously considered banishing the 'Frightful Four' (as they'd now become known) from the city. Luckily for the newly promoted Lieutenant Stackhouse and his cohorts, John and Rodney were too impressed to let this happen.

They were secretly glad that this time someone else was in the doghouse.

Rule 252: Frisbee in any shape or form is now officially banned by order of Dr Beckett.

The expedition hadn't been happy when the Scotsman had stopped them from playing Frisbee, and even less thrilled when he banned the paper-plate version. Unfortunately for the Scotsman, there were a lot of things that worked just as well...

It was Rodney, surprisingly enough, that had kicked off the trend. He'd gotten so angry with Kavanaugh that he'd thrown a CD at him. A couple of passing Soldiers saw how well said disc flew and before anyone could blink, CD and DVD Frisbee was the latest sporting craze to sweep through the city.

After Carson had to deal with more than his fair share of cuts, gashes and slices, he'd reached the end of his tether. And when Major Lorne arrived with half a DVD stuck in his lower leg, the Scotsman saw red.

Rule 253: Creating a hologram of yourself so that you can escape the Infirmary is not prohibited.

After almost six months of nobody trying to bust out early, Carson was surprised when John pulled this stunt. He'd gotten Rodney to create a very convincing hologram of himself so that he could sneak out to watch the new Harry Potter film. It was so convincing, in fact, that it took Beckett nearly an hour and a half to realise what had happened – what with it being interactive and all – but when he did...

To say he wasn't happy would have been a serious understatement. The boys were in serious trouble – and John didn't even get to watch the end of the film.

Rule 254: Oreo wars are to cease immediately.

A. They're just COOKIES for Heaven's sakes!

The Marines and the Scientists had gone to war again – this time over the limited Oreo supplies. John, Rodney and Carson were in charge of riot control, with a few volunteers from the other SGA teams – all of the Marines had mutinied – and Elizabeth sent a desperate message to the SGC, begging for more supplies of the snack. Thankfully, General Landry didn't question the plea and shipped out seventeen crates worth on the Daedalus.

Two weeks later and the war ground to a halt, but the damage had already been done. John, Rodney and Carson were now patients in the Infirmary and their volunteers were the walking wounded. On the bright side, the base now had enough Oreos for each member and the Air Force man managed to blackmail his Marines into giving them half their supplies.

Rule 255: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to participate in any kind of competition.

A. PERIOD.

During the Atlantis Dance Festival, the team's 2IC Staff Sergeant Flora Estevez, turned out to be the best Salsa dancer on base. She also proved to be incredibly short-tempered too, when she broke her partner's nose for stepping on her feet one time too many.

After the ensuing battle with the security detail, SGA-2, 7 and 12 were escorted to the Brig to cool off for a while, and an exhausted and extremely pissed off Carson posted this new rule.

SGA-1, meanwhile, were starting to feel strangely inadequate...

Rule 256: By request of Colonel Sheppard, Dr McKay is no longer allowed to use anything in the kitchen.

A. Especially the oven.

Jeannie Miller had sent her big brother their secret family recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Rodney immediately went to the kitchens and made a batch of star-shaped cookies as a treat for the team's Movie Night.

The next day, John was in bed with severe stomach cramps, Teyla had an appointment with the dentist and Ronon was happily playing with his brand new set of hand-made shurikens.

Rule 257: SGA-2 is no longer allowed to play with chemicals.

A. We're very proud of you, but it's for your own good.

B. And stop gloating about 'pulling a Sheppard'.

C. You're giving the other teams ideas.

When the city was faced with a surprise attack by one of Michael's Hive ships, Elizabeth had to release SGA-2, 7 and 12 from the brig early. Desperate to redeem his team, Lt Stackhouse came up with an idea that would have made John proud.

Lacking a true nuclear warhead, the team filled Jumper Five with the chemicals they had used to create the 'super-volcano' at the Science Fair and flew out of the Jumper Bay. After stealthily sneaking into the Hive's Dart Bay, they promptly blew an enormous hole in the side of the Wraith ship. The now badly damaged Hive limped out of the Lantean system and the Daedalus broke her own record as Colonel Caldwell double-timed it from Earth to retrieve the drifting Jumper and its banged up crew.

Although Elizabeth was proud of SGA-2, she had to enforce this rule in case it gave John any stupid ideas. And Carson wasn't happy when the Daedalus beamed down a very battered SGA-2.

Rule 258: Remember; only Drs McKay and Zelenka are allowed to modify, upgrade and/or repair the Puddle Jumpers.

Sometimes, Carson wondered what he'd done in a past life to deserve SGA-2 as a personal nemesis. (Secretly, he was convinced he'd been responsible for killing hundreds of small fluffy animals and maybe even children). Not long after they were released from the Infirmary with all the burns and broken bones healed, the team went on a supposedly 'easy' off-world mission. Although he wasn't happy, Elizabeth persuaded him that they could afford to cut Stackhouse and his team some slack – after all, they had practically destroyed a Hive ship.

On P7X-112, SGA-2 found an abandoned Ancient outpost that made Dr Singh go giddy with excitement. Unfortunately, said outpost was surrounded by large herds of extremely aggressive, Buffalo-like animals. Normally, the team would've waited for them to move away, or (if they'd gotten bored with that) tried to scare them off with gunfire. But apparently, those options were far too mundane and simple for the 'Four Riders of the Apocalypse' – as Elizabeth had acidly described them after their last explosive stunt.

The team's resident 'fix-it' man, Corporal Jenkins instead rigged Dr Singh's iPod up to the cloak field frequency modulator. This ingenious and effective modification turned the ship's cloak generator into a giant loud-speaker (and impressed the hell out of Rodney and Radek). Unfortunately, nobody on board thought about the consequences before activating the ungodly contraption.

As it turned out, sitting inside the Jumper-turned-boom-box wasn't very healthy – and the team were now back in the Infirmary with burst eardrums and killer headaches. Carson wasn't particularly worried about them – much worse was the maniacal gleam in John's eyes once he learnt about the new function available for his beloved ships. That made Beckett very, very worried indeed...

Rule 259: We said motorbikes were banned!

A. That rule includes you, John!

John and Rodney decided to test out SGA-8's confiscated alien motorbike on one of the piers. Unfortunately, the boys hadn't learnt that vehicles and water weren't a good combination...

After a record breaking five hour lecture off of Carson and several of Elizabeth's dreaded 'mother' looks, the two of them slunk away to lick their wounds in private and to figure out how to retrieve the bike from the bottom of the ocean before SGA-8 found out...

Rule 260: Kiddie-scooter racing is hereby banned.

A. It's not a proper sport anyway.

B. You're adults!

SGA-5's 2IC, Sergeant Domino, had brought his team back a set of kiddie-scooters after visiting Earth for his nephew's tenth birthday. The team then proceeded to race each other up and down the halls, through the mess, the Infirmary, the conference room...

After a massive collision that involved all four of them plus one of Radek's engineering teams, Carson was verging on a homicidal rage.

Rule 261: You are not allowed to strangle other personnel.

A. Leave Kavanaugh alone, people!

B. We KNOW he's annoying.

C. If you don't stop it, he'll only whine even more.

Captain Peterson had been having a very bad day, which was only made worse when he was assigned to help out Kavanaugh with the plumbing. After hearing the Chemist whine and bitch for the better part of an entire morning, the normally good-natured Captain snapped and proceeded to try and throttle the long-haired scientist.

Radek happened to walk in on it and swiftly broke up the fight, but now Kavanaugh was back in the Infirmary, making Carson's life a living hell.

Rule 262: Personnel are not allowed to use the Puddle Jumpers for water skiing.

SGA-3 had been rather bored one afternoon, so Major Lorne decided to rig up a harness to the back of Jumper Three and take his team water skiing around the city. To start with, it was a lot of fun and drew quite an audience, but the dolphin-like creatures made an appearance.

The Biologists had assumed that they were friendly, and they were – to an extent. What the expedition members didn't realise was that they were also extremely territorial and had rather sharp teeth. After SGA-3 were admitted to the Infirmary with bite marks that wouldn't have looked out of place in 'Jaws', Carson put his foot down.

Rule 263: The same goes for 'tubing'.

After the water-skiing ban, SGA-4 decided to try tubing instead.

Tubing was similar to water skiing except that inner-tubes were towed behind a motor boat, and people held on, trying to see how long they could last. The faster the boat went, the harder it became to stay on the tubes, as the 'tuber' was following in its wake and hit all the waves the boat produced.

Anyways, SGA-4 had the day off, and borrowed Jumper Seven to try out their sport around the beach of the mainland, reasoning that the 'Dolphi-Sharks' (as they had become known) didn't go there. Things only went wrong when they were joined by SGA-5, who suggested an Extreme Tube War. Jumper Seven had three tubes attached to it and set off, with Captain Lawson, Dr Fingle and Corporal Harding trying their luck.

To begin with, the three managed to jump over each other with relatively ease, but Corporal Burke (who was piloting Jumper Seven) zoned out and started to pick up speed without realising. He also gained altitude, resulting in his three colleagues hanging from the tubes in mid-air. Reasoning that it would be safer to simply let go and land in the water, they did so... and hit a hidden reef.

When Carson caught sight of the two teams arriving in his Infirmary, soaking wet and bleeding from various places, he twitched quite a lot. Then he locked himself in his office and refused to come out for nearly three days.

Rule 264: Do not TP the Gate Room.

A. Ever.

SGA-1 and 6 had been having an argument over the velocity that could be achieved by a flying roll of toilet paper. To settle the argument, they tested it out in the Gate Room, and soon the entire Gate was only just visible under a mass of toilet paper. Bored with that, they moved onto the mess hall, and the conference room and the Infirmary...

Elizabeth and Carson were seething when they called the teams in to explain their actions. Unfortunately, John's insistence that the activity was legal in California only incensed them further... Thanks to some fast talking and quick thinking from Rodney, nobody was hurt too badly, but the teams found themselves on the clean-up detail.

Rule 265: There's no such thing as a 'paper tiger'.

A. I've already told you about paper cuts.

B. STOP PESTERING ME!

Carson still couldn't understand how the Marines, who were fearless when facing down enemies off-world, could be reduced to tears when confronted with a paper cut.

Rule 266: Dr Beckett would like to remind all personnel that six monthly medical assessments are compulsory.

SGA-9 decided to skip their medicals, much to the annoyance of Carson. Now they couldn't sit down properly and were refusing to say anything about the subject. Everyone else decided to do as they were told.

Rule 267: Do not redecorate the Jumpers.

A. Especially not Jumper One.

SGA-11 had re-painted John's Jumper. When the Air Force man had been confronted by his now neon-pink and yellow striped ship, he had flipped out spectacularly and chased SGA-11 around the city with a P-90. Thankfully, the team's injuries were only minor, but Carson posted this rule to prevent anyone else from getting equally stupid ideas.

Rule 268: Any personnel carrying a gun in the city must keep the safety on AT ALL TIMES.

A couple of scientists hadn't and were now in the Infirmary being treated for gunshot wounds. Carson was seething and John wouldn't stop banging his head against the door.

Rule 269: Red Bull is banned.

A. And so are any other energy drinks.

The Science Department were in deep trouble. After consuming more energy drinks than the Command Staff thought possible, those responsible ended up as Carson's patients. The Scotsman was not impressed when he had to deal with withdrawal symptoms and mild arrhythmia.

Rule 270: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are, under no circumstances whatsoever, allowed to make unauthorised modifications to the critical systems on Atlantis.

A. While it is acknowledge that your actions yielded impressive results, they severely drained our ZPM, damaged the eco-system of the planet and forced Carson to drug half of the Biology Department senseless.

B. That was to stop them committing suicide... or murder, if you two catch my drift.

This time, Elizabeth decided, Atlantis' top two troublemakers had really outdone themselves. When the Hive ship that SGA-2 had previously sent packing returned for round two, the boys decided that it was the right time to try the 'little surprise' they had been working on since SGA-2's adventure on 'Prairie Planet'. Said 'surprise' turned out to be a set of sonic nullifiers scattered around the city at strategic points and John's CD player plugged into the force field frequency modulator of Atlantis.

The results of Johnny Cash blaring at full volume from a city-sized, ZPM powered loud speaker were truly awe-inspiring. The apocalyptic shockwave literally ripped the attacking Hive Ship into tiny pieces, created a sizeable tsunami and killed all sea-life unlucky enough to be in a fourteen mile radius of the city. It was very fortunate that Rodney's claims of brilliance were true – thanks to the nullifiers, the rest of the expedition felt nothing but a minute tremor.

All hell broke loose only when Elizabeth discovered that the ZPM had lost almost fifteen percent of its remaining power and the Biology Department literally caught the smell of thousands of tonnes worth of dead life-forms floating around Atlantis.

And the song title? Busted.

Rule 271: No more pyjama parties.

Dr Kingston had decided to throw a pyjama party. Everything was going great until a fight broke out over who had the coolest pyjamas. Now seven people were in the Infirmary and the Command Staff were wondering if the SGC would notice if they started killing people.

Rule 272: SGA-1 is not allowed to visit planets with waterfalls for the foreseeable future.

SGA-1 had a thing about cliffs and waterfalls. After they were all admitted with a variety of injuries ranging from broken bones to acute hypothermia, Carson gave them a lecture and left Fred to guard them. Needless to say, there were no escape attempts... and no moaning either.

Rule 273: All newbies are to listen to experienced personnel, regardless of rank.

Some of the newbies had argued with SGA-13 about Wraith fighting techniques. The resulting fight that broke out beat all records – and Carson wouldn't stop smiling as he patched the now-very-sorry-looking new recruits up.

Rule 274: You will not die if you catch a cold.

A. Isn't that right, boys?

Following their adventures on 'Waterfall Planet', John and Rodney had massive colds. Instead of gritting their teeth and getting on with it, they were being pathetic. Carson started growling again.

Rule 275: You are not allowed to 'Jumper Surf'.

A. It'll only end in tears.

B. Especially if Carson catches you.

SGA-14 had heard about 'car surfing' back on Earth and decided to try it out using Jumper Nine in place of a car. It was impressive to begin with, but they hadn't taken into consideration the fact that alien spaceships tended to move a lot quicker than your average Volkswagen.

Now they were all trying desperately hard to think of a sensible excuse to explain away their injuries to a Scotsman who was ready to tear their heads off.

Rule 276: Do not mock other people's accents.

Airman Jones had chosen (rather unwisely) to take the piss out of the Australian contingent. When they wheeled him into the Infirmary in a bloodied heap, Carson wasn't impressed.

Rule 277: If you sleep-walk, you are to inform Drs Weir and Beckett immediately.

Dr Van Guiting had a habit of sleepwalking. Unfortunately, she managed to walk off the balcony in the west tower. Luckily, she got away with a few broken bones, but Carson and Elizabeth hastily put this rule up to prevent any more sleep-related accidents.

Rule 278: Do not overload the city's systems.

A. Atlantis is sentient, remember?

Radek and Miko were at fault for this one. They'd plugged too many pieces of equipment into the mains in the lab and Atlantis had retaliated. Thankfully, they'd only received small zaps, but their burns were very painful.

Their ears were sore too, especially after Carson and Rodney had finished with them.

Rule 279: Darth Vader costumes are now banned.

A. We know it was you, John.

B. Don't you remember what happened the last time?!

Disappointed that his Anubis Super soldier costume had bitten the dust, John had moped and whined incessantly for the better part of a month until Rodney couldn't take any more. Eventually, the Canadian cracked and agreed to build John his very own Darth Vader costume, reasoning that since it was a fictitious character, no one would freak out. He managed to salvage the voice changer from the old costume's helmet and re-modelled it. It took a bit of doing, but he even managed to bribe Miko into making John a suitable cloak.

The best bit was that John had managed to rescue one of the light sabres from the Marines' ill-fated games - which Rodney adapted to emit bolts of very cool-looking but harmless 'lightning'.

And so, the wild-haired Colonel had gleefully run around Atlantis, declaring that the city was now under the Empire's control and that all non-obedience would be punished. While most people saw the funny side, Elizabeth and Carson did not.

When John activated his 'lightning' effect, the light sabre backfired. As soon as the smoke had cleared, they found him in a heap on the floor and once again, Rodney had to cut the helmet off. Luckily, there were no broken bones, but now John was sporting two black eyes – earning him the new nickname of 'Lt Col Raccoon Boy'.


Another one done! Yaay! Don't forget, updates will be slower again thanks to RL, and let me know if you have any ideas.