Ha ha! I'm back again, and much quicker than I thought I'd be! Woo-hoo!

Ahem.

Anyways, you know the drill by now, so thanks to:

T-man626 – who gave me the idea for Rule 314.

Shadows-of-Realm – who wanted to see Rule 306.

LetyBaroque – whose brilliant suggestions led to Rules 280, 283, 291 and 298.

Jen-NCIS-Lover – who gave me the prompts for Rules 281 and 293.

Saphreanne Grea – who inspired Rule 282.

Sealurk – for requesting Rules 299, 316, 317 and 318.

And a BIG thank you to everyone for all the awesome reviews – the badgers are running around in circles, clapping their little blue paws with glee...


Rule 280: Do not move your Infirmary bed to be next to your friend.

A. Or to annoy your neighbour.

B. Or 'because the light is better in the far corner'.

Most of the expedition had caught the Pegasus version of Measles and had been confined to the Infirmary. The ward was packed out and John had decided that he didn't like being on the other side of the room. So he grabbed a crutch and 'paddled' over to Rodney's bed.

Later that afternoon, both of them had decided to spin around as fast as they could to try and make Kavanaugh dizzy. And when Carson came in and found both of them over in the far corner, he demanded an explanation. Rodney had claimed that the light was better over there.

Needless to say, Beckett hadn't been amused

Rule 281: Plastic bags do not make good parachutes.

SGA-4 had gotten drunk one night, and Lt Cadman divulged that as a kid, she'd always wanted to find out if plastic bags could be used as parachutes. So her team-mates found some and they proceeded to test the theory out by jumping off the top of the stairs in the Gate Room.

Unsurprisingly, it turned out that plastic bags were as good at being fully functioning parachutes as a wet llama, and all four of them had to be taken to the Infirmary. Carson dreaded to think where they'd found the plastic bags from in the first place...

Rule 282: If you are going to roast marshmallows, please be sensible.

SGA-12 and fires were not a sensible combination – and the rest of the expedition really needed to start remembering that fact. The team started a bonfire to roast marshmallows and it turned into a scene from a disaster movie. Carson was beyond anger as he patched up the worst of the burns.

Rule 283: Moving Infirmary beds is now banned.

A. Unless you have permission from one of the Medics.

John and Rodney were really starting to try the Scotsman's patience. When they'd played a game of musical chairs using the beds, the outcome was very messy.

Rule 284: Don't build wings.

A. If God had intended for you to be capable of unassisted flight, he'd have already given you a pair.

Sergeant Domino wanted to fly and the Scientists wanted to test out their latest toy – a set of adult sized wings that could be strapped on using a harness. Amazingly, the wings worked great – for all of five minutes. After re-setting the Sergeant's clavicle, Carson went nuclear and the Scientists went into hiding.

Rule 285: No more Thumb Wars.

SGA-2 and 8 had had a Thumb War... and were now off-duty for the next six weeks while their broken appendages healed.

Rule 286: Do not blow the toilets up!

Radek had decided to blow Kavanaugh's toilet up. While it was extremely funny, it resulted in the Chemist being admitted to the Infirmary again. Thankfully, Carson had done a deal with the medics on the Daedalus, who promptly beamed him aboard.

Rule 287: You are not allowed to use your team-mates as battering rams.

A. Even if they ARE annoying you.

Lieutenant Smith had used SGA-14's resident geek, Dr Marisole, as a battering ram when the scientist couldn't get a door open. At least, that was the official version of events. It actually turned out that Dr Marisole had been winding the rest of his team up all day and they'd finally gotten fed up. Carson was less than impressed and Lieutenant Smith bore the brunt of his displeasure. The poor man would never look at a catheter in the same way again.

Rule 288: Stop fighting over Monopoly.

A. And Trivial Pursuits.

B. We already banned Scrabble.

John and Rodney really couldn't play any games without it descending into utter insanity. After the Scrabble Episode, they had been forced to play other games – with similar results. They couldn't play Monopoly because John kept stealing from the bank. Trivial Pursuits was out because Rodney knew all the answers. And both games had little pieces that fit well in a person's nose, ear, throat...

Rule 289: Do not pull pranks concerning head lice.

SGA-15 had started a rumour that they'd picked up a funky alien version of head lice... and the Medics freaked out. After twenty four people had to have their heads shaved, the team came clean – and Carson got his well-deserved payback. Now they had to wear beanies to hide the fact that they were completely bald.

Rule 290: The 'Icarus Device' is banned.

A. Stop pouting, John.

John and Rodney managed to sneak the machine that had given John a set of fully functioning wings out of storage. They then activated said device and were now both sporting a set of impressive looking wings. Carson had agreed to let them keep their new additions for a little while, but quickly changed his mind after the boys started to swoop down over people's heads. He explained to them in no uncertain terms that they'd know how game birds felt during shooting season if they didn't pack it in.

They reluctantly reversed the effects and handed over the Icarus Device. Carson was extremely happy, but the boys weren't.

Rule 291: The Infirmary beds are not to be used as go carts.

A. Or 'pirate ships'.

B. Or surfboards.

C. Or drinks trolleys.

D. LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!

When Carson started crying again, Elizabeth intervened. Everyone was in fear of her dreaded 'mother' look.

Rule 292: Stop referring to the ATA carriers as 'mutants'.

A. It's not their fault that the gene therapy didn't work on you, Radek.

The Czech still wasn't happy that he couldn't activate Ancient technology and had started acting like a five year old. When Rodney retaliated and electrocuted him, Carson had to step in before things got really ugly.

Like if one of them decided to build a nuclear warhead, for instance.

Rule 293: No hang-gliding off of the towers.

The Marines had started this. To begin with, it was a nice, safe way to spend an afternoon. Or it was, until one of the soldiers skimmed a little too close to the surface of the ocean that the 'Dolphi-sharks' inhabited...

The result wouldn't have looked out of place in a horror movie, but Carson managed to save the man's leg. He then banned the sport, claiming that it was for their own good.

Rule 294: Stop poking each other!

Lorne and Cadman started poking each other in a briefing. Now they were covered in bruises and Carson was verging on resorting to medieval medical practices. He was rather taken with the idea of blood-letting...

Rule 295: The Science Department are to dismantle their home-made 'tanning salon' immediately.

Carson was scared at how the brightest people on Earth could be so irresponsible. He'd had to treat more cases of sunburn than he could count and was beginning to worry that people would get skin cancer. And when one of the tanning beds 'accidentally' caught fire, he smiled innocently.

After all, he wasn't too sorry to see it go.

Rule 296: Marbles are now banned.

Corporal Rodriguez had brought back a set of marbles from his last Earth visit. After half a dozen people reported to Beckett with injuries that could only be sustained from slipping on said marbles, the Scotsman banned them.

He then got his own back by freezing them and leaving them in the Corporal's bed.

Rule 297: Never tape your team-mate's mouth shut.

Ronon had done this to Rodney. Rodney wasn't happy about it and proceeded to dye the ex runner's hair a fetching shade of fuchsia. Before long, John and Bella got involved and all four of them ended up in the Infirmary. Carson simply smiled and then locked himself in his office again.

Rule 298: Teyla is no longer allowed Popcorn unless supervised.

It turned out that Teyla had a love for the snack that rivalled Ronon's. When the Scientists rigged a popcorn popper, the Athosian promptly stole it. (She actually claimed that she had 'acquired it in the name of the Athosian people', convincing most people that she'd been watching far too many movies). After a brief scuffle with John and his men that left three people with broken bones and Lorne with a black eye, they managed to get it off her. Shocked by her addiction, Carson hastily posted this rule – mainly to save himself from the young woman's wrath.

After all, if he'd merely banned her from eating the snack, he'd have ended up a patient himself.

Rule 299: Base jumping off of the towers is now banned.

A. Don't argue about this one, kids.

B. You'll lose.

After the bans on bungee jumping, hang-gliding and abseiling, the Marines were starting to get tetchy. So they started base jumping off of the towers in the city, much to Carson's dismay. After eleven people were carried into the Infirmary, he seriously considered locking them all up in a padded cell.

Rule 300: Ping-pong is now on the list of banned sports.

Carson was in the verge of banning Ronon from playing any Earth sports – especially after he nearly blinded Major Lorne during a supposedly 'friendly' ping-pong match.

Rule 301: You are not allowed to use the CPR doll in escape attempts.

Captain Dobbins had dressed the CPR doll up as himself in order to sneak out of the Infirmary early. Although he'd done a respectable job (he'd even done to the trouble of dying the doll's hair), Carson wasn't fooled and sent Bella and Ronon to fetch him. The Captain ended up staying in the Infirmary for an extra week.

Ronon and Bella just smiled when asked what they'd done to him.

Rule 302: Do not fly stolen Darts through the Gate.

SGA-10 had stolen a Dart in a daring raid on one of the Wraith planets. Their original idea of dialling the Alpha site didn't work out too well and they ended up crashing into the stairs in the Gate Room. Carson (who had nearly been impaled by the ship) had been left a wide-eyed, rocking mess, prompting Elizabeth to post this rule in his stead. She couldn't have the off-world teams breaking the city's Chief of Medicine.

Rule 303: Stop racing the Jumpers and the Darts!

John and Rodney plus alien spaceships plus way too much energy equalled a very bad idea. They'd decided to race the newly acquired Dart against a Jumper – and nearly crashed into the main tower. Dr Cole had to sedate Carson to prevent him from doing something he'd regret.

She also didn't want to see the loveable Scotsman end up in prison for double murder.

Rule 304: Do not refer to those members of staff who have been given small amounts of Wraith DNA as 'wanna-be vampires'.

A. Or 'hybrids'.

B. It's to help them fly the Cruiser we stole.

SGA-13 were jealous because they hadn't taken to the modified retrovirus that Carson had developed. When they nearly caused a riot over the name calling, the Scotsman called them in for medicals and grounded them for a month.

Rule 305: Vodka jelly is now a contraband item.

Radek had given everyone the mumps after using an alien version of his favourite drink (his own brand was still in lockup). Carson threw a bedpan at him and Elizabeth had to have them separated.

Rule 306: SGA-1 are forbidden from drinking the alien wine brought back from M0G-300.

A. It does strange things to them.

SGA-1 had decided to go dancing on the western pier one night after imbibing an unknown quantity of the rather sweet tasting wine. That was fine – they were all adults, after all, and if they wanted to dance, then there wasn't anything to stop them. The only problem was that (for God only knew what reason) they'd decided to do so completely naked.

Carson grinned evilly at them the next morning and told them that the surveillance camera had caught everything. And he really meant everything...

Rule 307: Trampolines are not to be used next to open windows.

A. Or anything solid, for that matter.

Ronon decided to try out SGA-11's trampoline... next to an open window. He'd been a bit too enthusiastic and managed to ricochet off one of the walls before falling into the ocean. Carson wasn't happy, and Bella was still giving him the evil eye.

Rule 308: Do not suck alien Helium.

SGA-9 had brought back an alien version of Helium, which nearly everybody decided to have a go with. Unlike regular Earth Helium, the chemicals in the Pegasus version lasted much, much longer... and gave the user migraines. Carson nearly ran out of painkillers and Elizabeth actually gated off-world to get away from the sound.

Rule 309: Chocolate covered coffee beans are to be eaten in moderation.

Rodney had been working too many late nights. He also had an addiction to coffee that was bordering on psychotic. When Carson walked into the lab to find the Canadian spinning around in his chair and singing the theme tune to The Muppet Show, he put his foot down.

And then proceeded to peel Rodney off of the ceiling...

Rule 310: The Botanists are not allowed to create plant versions of chemical weapons.

The Botanists were normally well behaved, so everyone was shocked to find that they'd been responsible for this rule. A group of them decided to try and create chemical warfare weapons to use against the Wraith, using a whole range of strange alien plants. When they accidentally knocked the vials over and released the gas they'd created, Atlantis freaked out and went into lockdown. Unfortunately, it was a little bit too late and now Carson was stuck with a ward full of people. His patients had suddenly developed a whole range of symptoms, from green and purple spots to (in Ronon and Teyla's case) actual horns and claws.

Rule 311: The 'Gecko Machine' has been confiscated indefinitely.

A. Puppy dog eyes won't help you this time, John.

B. Nor will pouting.

The Ancient device that had given John the ability to walk on the walls and ceiling had been 'rescued' by Rodney, much to the Air Force man's delight. The boys decided to activate it and see how many people they could freak out before being caught. Or by lunch time (whichever came first). After Carson was called out to his fifteenth case of acute shock, he got very angry and made them reverse the effects. Then he snatched the 'Gecko Device' (as it had been lovingly called) and locked it in his office.

John was still sulking.

Rule 312: Snowball fights are to be supervised.

Much to the delight of the expedition, a freak weather front had made it snow on Lantea. The Marines had decided to start a snowball fight with the Scientists – and the Command Staff almost had to get Genghis out again.

Rule 313: Ice skating on the ocean is banned.

SGA-6 decided that they wanted to go skating, and did so on the now-frozen ocean. Unfortunately, although the surface was indeed made of ice, it wasn't as thick as everyone had originally thought. The team had to be rescued and spent the next week and a half recovering from hypothermia.

Carson was starting to look longingly at the Armoury...

Rule 314: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are not allowed to wear costumes.

A. Ever again.

The boys had decided that it would be cool to run around in Storm Trooper costumes. John should have known better, seeing as his last two outings while in fancy dress hadn't ended well. Surprisingly, nobody had minded much, not even when the two of them started singing the Imperial March theme as loudly as they could.

They really should have known better.

When Colonel Caldwell beamed down for a surprise visit, he materialised right next to Rodney. The scientist was so surprised that he tripped up and crashed into John...

Now both of them were in the Infirmary with concussions (their helmets had been really rather hard) and bruises. And worst of all, Carson had invented some very interesting lyrics for the Imperial March, which he sang as loudly as he could.

Rule 315: For the sake of Dr Beckett's sanity, do not touch sparkly and shiny things.

SGA-12 had struck again, this time managing to turn themselves into miniature dragons. Unfortunately, this wasn't the best shape to be, seeing as how the entire team were pyromaniacs and now they had all the fire their insane little hearts desired...

Rodney set about trying to reverse the effects of machine, while John was trying to keep them away from Ronon. It turned out that the Satedan was giving them ideas. Carson, meanwhile, rounded up one of his teams, armed them with hoses and set them on SGA-12. After all, they were starting to get really fed up of being covered in foam – and the alarm was driving everybody insane.

Rule 316: Orbital sky diving is not an extreme sport.

A. It's suicide.

Carson really didn't want to know what had led SGA-3 to believe that this was a good idea. After Major Lorne and his team had to be rescued by SGA-1 and a well-placed Jumper, Elizabeth wigged out and Carson wasn't that far behind her.

Rule 317: Do not swap Dr McKay's pistol for a paint-ball firing replica.

A. Especially not during a Wraith invasion of the city.

One of the newbies thought it'd be amusing to do this. In their defence, it would have been if the Wraith hadn't decided to try and invade the city a couple of hours later. Rodney didn't realise what was wrong until he got cornered by a scarily tall male Wraith...

Thankfully, John and Ronon had been just around the corner and took out the Wraith when they heard their geek's cries – before any life-sucking took place. Unfortunately, Rodney was now a gibbering wreck and Carson had to sedate him for a week before he eventually calmed down. Despite that, John was proud of his friend – judging from the amount of paint covering the corpse, if the Canadian had had a real gun, the Wraith would have been toast.

The newbie who pulled the stunt was quickly located. Elizabeth let the rest of SGA-1 dish out the punishment, and the poor man wasn't the same ever again.

To be fair, though, no one was after having to spar with Ronon and Teyla at the same time.

Rule 318: No more bumper stickers for the Jumpers.

SGA-7 thought it would be cool to give each of the Jumpers their own bumper stickers. John, unsurprisingly, agreed – much to Elizabeth's dismay. The trouble started when the off-world teams got into a massive fight over who got the coolest sticker – and said fight turned into an all-out base war. Both Genghis and Fred were called upon to put an end to the hostilities... and Carson let Bella patch up the worst of the trouble makers.

Rule 319: Personnel are reminded that the Infirmary beds are not to be used as toys.

A. I know you all act like overgrown children, but enough.

B. And if I catch whoever was responsible for the mess, they are in SERIOUS trouble.

No one was sure who'd been the genius behind Atlantis' newest invention – John and Rodney were pleading the Fifth and SGA-5 had been off-world at the time. Regardless of the culprits, the craze that was driving Carson nuts was a pretty cool one.

Someone had decided to attach a fire extinguisher to an Infirmary bed, aiming it so that the nozzle pointed to the back. They'd also managed to rig up a crude steering method and an impromptu braking system. The idea behind it was that once the 'driver' released the valve on the extinguisher, the pressure would propel the bed forwards at a respectable speed.

It worked – and now numerous personnel were patients after a series of mildly perilous drag races. Carson just hoped to the Gods of Pegasus that John and Rodney didn't get involved, or he was sure there'd be fatalities.


That's all for now, but watch this space for the next instalment. And don't forget, you can send me absolutely anything. Inspiration can be a very fickle thing!