Wotcha! Me and the badgers proudly bring you yet more insanity! Yippee! Credits go to:
Scotius: who gave me Rule 259.
T-man626: Who inspired Rule 322.
cookie-moimoi: Who wanted Rules 325 and 326.
Shadows-of-Realm: Who gave me the prompts for Rules 327 and 337.
LetyBaroque: Who asked for Rule 336.
Jen-NCIS-Lover: who was the reason for Rules 328, 329 and 330.
Saphreanne Grea: who inspired Rule 331.
mindless-junk-247: who was behind Rules 332, 333 and 334.
Silfrvarg: who requested Rule 335.
On we go, kids...
OoOoO
Elizabeth was starting to regret her suggestion. With over three hundred entries and no signs of any let-up in the stupid things people were doing, it seemed that there would be no end to Carson's ever-growing list.
Everyone else, on the other hand, had started to act like five year olds, just to see how far they could push their luck...
Rule 320: All Boxing Club members are reminded that they are supposed to be a recreational group.
A. That means that they are not allowed to threaten, injure or main anyone.
The members of Atlantis' Boxing Club took a perverse pleasure in tormenting everyone who wasn't a member. After the ninth person with a bloody nose walked into the Infirmary, Carson went and had a little 'friendly' chat with said club...
Soon, everyone on base was impressed at how the members of Boxing Club all flinched in unison whenever the Scotsman smiled at them.
Rule 321: NO MORE PETS!
SGA-1 had brought back a small, tiger-like creature which they had named Angus. SGA-4 and 5 were the proud owners of two alien raccoons named Bill and Ben. SGA-10 had adopted a lemur-like animal, which had been christened Smoky. Although Fred was delighted to have some playmates, Carson was less than thrilled – he had to give the beasts a once over to make sure that they weren't carrying any illnesses or the like.
The real reason for his unhappiness was the fact that Angus made him sneeze, Bill and Ben made a mess of the Infirmary, and Smoky bit him on the nose.
Rule 322: No more games of Tag.
The Marines were going to find themselves locked in a padded cell if they kept it up. (Unfortunately, Carson had yet to discover their new game of 'Not-Tag'...)
Rule 323: If you need a haircut, go to our resident barber, Dr Lees.
A fight had started when Kavanaugh had asked Miko to trim his hair. When Miko had given him a buzz cut that a jarhead would've been proud of, he chased her around the lab, throwing tools at her. Rodney had walked in and found himself up close and personal with a spanner. The fight soon stopped as the two of them got him to Carson – and Rodney outdid himself. He managed to yell at them for being complete idiots even while Carson was stitching his face.
Rule 324: Be nice to the Medics.
A. Remember Rule 1?
B. They have Fred, too.
Kavanaugh wasn't having a good day. After Rodney had finished ranting at him for being a complete moron, he decided to insult Carson. The Scotsman got very angry and set Fred on the long-haired Chemist...
Soon after, John and Ronon were called in to break it up and Kavanaugh ended up being admitted to the Infirmary. Technically, he hadn't been injured by Fred (the alien wolf had simply given him a warning) but Carson insisted that he needed a full round of rabies shots.
Rule 325: Yodelling is strictly prohibited.
The Bavarian personnel had formed a yodelling club. To begin with everyone tolerated it, seeing as how it was regarded as a good example of the expedition's cultural diversity. However, when they took to yodelling in the early hours of the morning over the PA system, all hell broke loose. After Carson had patched up the worst of their injuries, he posted this rule.
Rule 326: Do not scare Novak.
A. Hermiod doesn't like it.
B. Pissing off an Asgard is very, VERY stupid.
SGA-6 had made some very realistic looking Wraith masks, complete with full costumes. They then decided to wear them when they were requested aboard the Daedalus. When Novak came face to face with the four 'Wraith' who had just beamed into engineering, she freaked out and had to be sedated.
Hermiod wasn't amused and decided to punish the team by sending them to and from the city via the beaming technology... two hundred times. Carson wasn't thrilled when the team were admitted suffering some unpleasant side-effects from being de- and re-materialised so many times.
Rule 327: No more 'magic' wands!
A. You are NOT Harry Potter or Professor Lupin.
B. Seriously, stop it!
John and Rodney were starting to seriously worry everyone. After watching the latest Harry Potter film, they decided to make some working wands, using the shape changing devices previously confiscated from Corporal Sanchez and Dr Anders. Carson got very angry when half his staff ended up petrified, and wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine when he was given a tail and matching ears.
Rule 228: The PA system is strictly off limits to Colonel Sheppard.
Four words – John and Johnny Cash. After the ensuing bloodbath, Carson locked the pilot in isolation for a week to teach him a lesson.
Rule 229: Any and all pranks involving Dr McKay's coffee are to cease immediately.
A. Please?
SGA-13 started moving Rodney's coffee around in the lab. When they got bored with that, they began to mess around with the amount of coffee in the jar, taking half away only to return it later that day. And when they mixed in a substantial amount of the hallucinogenic alien tea that had sent Carson fruit loops, the results were... well, spectacular.
Beckett had them all scrubbing the Infirmary with tooth brushes when he found his friend having a staring contest with Angus and singing most of the songs from 'Cats' – in French.
Rule 330: Do not play with snakes whilst off-world.
A. Even if they do look remarkably similar to harmless Earth ones.
SGA-3 had the worst kind of luck when it came to native wild-life. When Lorne spotted what he thought was a harmless grass snake, he ended up in the Infirmary. It turned out that said snake had a bite equivalent to that of a black Mamba, but luckily, the effects weren't as immediate. Evan was also grateful that his team were so paranoid – as soon as he'd been bitten, they raced back through the Gate with their team leader and the now stunned snake. Carson had been able to make an anti-venom serum, but posted this rule as a not-so-subtle reminder that they were living in an ALIEN galaxy.
Rule 331: All magic eight balls are to be handed in to Dr Beckett IMMEDIATELY.
Why people couldn't use things for the reasons they were intended, the Scotsman would never know. SGA-8 and 9 had started to use magic eight balls to play catch with – and ended up with an impressive collection of bruises. SGA-4 had used theirs as a football, while SGA-7 decided that the object could be put to better use as a Frisbee.
And the Marines had nearly started a base war when they chose to only do as their magic eight ball instructed.
Rule 332: If you are going to grow your own crystals using a kit, then please be careful.
A. Following the instructions helps too.
The Geologists had started to grow their own crystals to decorate their lab... and it had gotten out of hand. When John and his men had to literally cut their way through six inches of quartz to free the Geologists, Carson was livid. His temper wasn't helped when he saw the injuries caused by said crystal.
Rule 333: No more mud wrestling.
A. Just no.
Quite why SGA-14 and 15 chose to start a mud wrestling contest, Carson would never know, but he wasn't laughing when both teams reported to him with all manner of injuries. And when he saw the mess they made in the ward, none of them were laughing either...
Rule 334: Cricket games are to be supervised at all times.
The English and Australian personnel decided to stage their own version of the Ashes test on base. To begin with, it was all taken in good fun, with the matches proving to be a big crowd pleaser. Even better was the fact that so far, no one had gotten hurt.
Carson should have kept his mouth shut.
After the final, it was discovered that the English team were sore losers and set on their Aussie counterparts with their cricket bats. In the free-for-all that followed, fourteen people were seriously injured and Carson's ensuing rant was a record-breaker.
Rule 335: SGA-12 are not allowed anywhere near the kitchen supplies.
It was amazing what could be done with a naked flame and a small amount of flour. SGA-12 had gotten bored and decided to go in search of a late night snack. Unfortunately, one of the cooks had left a lighter on the side and the team were drawn like a moth to a light bulb...
The Command Staff were shocked to discover that the ceiling had been scorched, while the Scientists were far too excited when they heard about the ten foot high flames. Thankfully, none of SGA-12 had been hurt, but everyone was very wary around them – and Carson threatened to chop their hands off if they so much as looked at another lighter again.
Rule 336: What you do in your free time is your own choice.
A. Let's keep it that way, okay?
When John was late for a meeting, Elizabeth sent Rodney and Carson to see if he was okay. When the two of them broke into his quarters, they were shocked to find the Air Force man handcuffed to his bed, covered in some very... interesting bruises. Unsurprisingly, they didn't buy his story of being mugged by a passing group of midget aliens with sharp teeth...
Rule 337: Personnel are reminded that they are not to dress up as Wraith.
A. If you have any questions, please see Colonel Sheppard for a list of reasons why this is a stupid idea.
John decided to borrow one of SGA-6's Wraith costumes to get revenge on Rodney and Carson. (He also didn't want the rest of the base finding out the details of his date with the ever gorgeous Dr Rodriguez, who had a real fetish for biting.) When he chased the pair up and down the city, everybody freaked out and John found himself stunned several times and locked in the brig.
Needless to say, he wasn't overly happy when he woke up. His mood wasn't helped when he had to spend the next forty-two hours in the Infirmary under observation after the multiple stunnings.
Rule 338: Do not tease SGA-12 about their time as dragons.
A. They're still a bit tetchy about it.
Although the team had been human-shaped for a couple of months, some of the expedition took every opportunity they could get to torment SGA-12. The jokes ranged from renditions of 'Puff the Magic Dragon' to bits of coal being left outside their respective quarters.
When the team eventually snapped, it wasn't pretty and Carson had to lock them in Isolation until they'd calmed down.
Rule 339: Stop licking strange objects!
Dr Cottonby of SGA-14 had licked an Ancient device following on from a bet he had going with Captain Tucker. When his team rushed the poor man into the Infirmary, Carson nearly had a stroke.
Dr Cottonby was now completely white from head to foot, and had a very nice set of fangs to go along with his snout and claws.
Rule 340: Those personnel engaged in playing Pirates Vs Hockey Players are reminded that while we tolerate this foolishness, you are not allowed to actually hurt anyone.
A. If you carry on, we'll ban it.
Pirates Vs Hockey Players was starting to get violent and Carson wasn't too far behind himself. When Chuck was admitted with a broken arm, concussion and internal bleeding, the Scotsman threatened to take a hockey stick and shove it where the sun didn't shine.
Rule 341: Keep Angus away from Fred!
SGA-1's pet tiger was teaching the alien wolf some very bad habits. After Carson had been pounced on by Fred one too many times, he yelled at John and Rodney. Unfortunately, Angus overheard the heated words and went in for the kill...
The boys managed to separate the two before there were any fatalities and spent the next week not talking to Carson, claiming that he'd hurt Angus' feelings.
Rule 342: The Infirmary is not a recreational area.
Carson went postal when the Marines' game of 'Not-Tag' spilled over into his beloved Infirmary. The Command Staff refused to take any responsibility for what happened next, declaring that everyone had already been warned accordingly.
They also denied filming the incident to use as a training video for the new recruits...
Rule 343: Do not pass comment on Ronon and Bella's blossoming relationship.
A. Do you REALLY want them mad at you?!
The rumour mill had a death wish. After Ronon and Bella had to be restrained, Carson posted this rule to prevent any unwanted deaths on base. (The actual reason behind the rule was to prevent him from having to do any unnecessary paperwork that a murder would have caused.)
Rule 344: Roller skates are not to be left in the hallways.
A. The same goes for skateboards.
B. And magic eight balls.
Carson tripped over Rodney's roller skates, John's skateboard and SGA-4's magic eight ball in the space of ten minutes. Now he was hobbling around on a pair of crutches and threatening to hit the next person who did something stupid.
Rule 345: Dr Beckett wishes to remind all personnel that eating strange foods is not a good idea.
Thirty two cases of projectile vomiting. Enough said.
Rule 346: Leave the plants in Lab Three alone.
A. Haven't you people ever seen 'The Day of the Triffids'?
The Botanists had discovered a plant that was eerily similar to a Triffid. When the Marines decided to 'investigate' said plant, they were nearly eaten alive and Carson had to physically stop himself from strangling them.
Rule 347: Pogo sticks are only to be used if wearing the proper safety equipment.
Some people never learned. This time it was the Scientists, who had decided to have a contest to see who could pogo for the longest. When Radek nearly put his eye out, Carson considered letting Fred chase him around the city.
Rule 348: Personnel are not allowed to compare Dr Beckett with the hologram doctor from 'Star Trek Voyager'.
A. Or any of the other doctors from the 'Star Trek' series.
B. Apart from Julian Bashir – he likes that one.
Needless to say, the Scotsman wasn't overly amused when these references started – and vented said displeasure on everyone else. Elizabeth posted this rule to stop any injuries from happening – their official accident book was already twelve volumes long and the IOA were starting to ask awkward questions.
Rule 349: Do not feed people's pets.
SGA-11 had fed Angus some leftover chocolate, which made the tiger more than a bit hyperactive. Three hours later, John and Rodney finally managed to persuade their pet to stop trying to eat Carson...
Rule 350: SGA-7 are not allowed to have sharp objects for the foreseeable future.
Carson couldn't cope.
SGA-1 were banned from pretty much anything. SGA-2 weren't allowed to play with chemicals, while SGA-3 and 4 had problems with wildlife. SGA-5 weren't allowed to touch native food stuffs. SGA-6 had a thing for starting fights with anyone who disagreed with them. SGA-8 was usually the team who ended up provoking the locals, and SGA-9 weren't allowed to go near fireworks. SGA-10 and 11 were well-known for having an unhealthy relationship with explosives. SGA-12 were pyromaniacs. SGA-13 lived up to their namesake, being one of the unluckier teams, while SGA-14 and 15 had a nasty habit of breaking/crashing/generally messing up the Jumpers.
And now SGA-7 had proved that they couldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.
Rule 351: Claiming that you have a phobia of hospitals is not an excuse for missing pre and post mission check-ups.
Rodney had started this up and now all his science teams were using the excuse. Carson wasn't thrilled.
Rule 352: Never 'cry wolf'.
Captain Laverne was an even bigger hypochondriac than Rodney. After two months of being called out at all hours because the young man was convinced he'd either caught a deadly disease or was going to lose a limb, Carson had reached the end of his tether. Luckily, although he was fed up, he didn't forbid his teams from treating the Captain...
It was a good job he didn't, too, when Laverne got his leg trapped in a malfunctioning door. He learnt his lesson and Carson got to say 'I told you so'.
Rule 353: All music is to be played at a sensible level.
The Medics got a bit too lively after the Christmas party and decided to play a selection of Christmas songs over the PA system. Someone managed to get the volume stuck at FULL and soon most of the expedition were reporting to the Infirmary with burst ear drums.
John and Rodney valiantly managed to switch it off and then went and yelled at the Medics for spilling mulled wine over the controls. They knew that no one could hear them – it just made them feel better.
Rule 354: Do not mention the 'Paintball' Incident in the presence of Dr Beckett.
The 'Paintball Incident' had been ugly. The Marines (being Marines) hadn't known when to quit and half of them ended up in the Infirmary with a variety of injuries. That wouldn't have been a problem if the game hadn't spilled over into the ward...
Carson refused to tell anyone what had actually happened, and had made Rodney destroy the video footage and swear secrecy on pain of death. The Scotsman still twitched whenever anyone mentioned it...
Rule 355: The Scientists are not allowed to make tear gas.
The Scientists had been given an afternoon off – which was always a very dangerous thing to do. Instead of relaxing and watching movies like normal people, they had invented their very own tear gas. Carson nearly pulled his hair out when he found out.
Rule 356: The Marines are not allowed to use the Scientists' tear gas.
Whenever the Scientists invented something, the Marines got very excited. The Scientists loved the fact that the Marines were willing guinea pigs and promptly handed over their new weapon for testing... Two weeks later, the smell hadn't quite gone away and people were still suspiciously misty eyed.
Rule 357: Dr Beckett is not to be referred to as the 'Scottish King of the Needle People'.
Teyla had gotten drunk again.
Rule 358: No more war games.
A. Ever.
B. I don't CARE if it's for 'training purposes'.
Carson was on the verge of actual violence, and John hadn't come out of hiding. The Air Force man had decided to make the war games mandatory, claiming that they would be excellent training for combat situations whilst off-world. Unfortunately, the Marines got over-excited and a lot of people got injured.
Rule 359: Climbing buildings in Atlantis without the proper safety gear is strictly prohibited.
Laura Cadman and Miko Kusanagi had dared each other to see who could climb higher up the central tower. Surprisingly, the timid Japanese scientist won by a whole two floors. After that, it was only a matter of mounting a rescue operation – which involved two Jumpers, four teams... and Carson reluctantly letting John use the 'Gecko Device' again.
Unexpectedly, Beckett didn't complain while having to tend to the rope burns and sprained muscles of the two unfortunate climbers... but then again, he got to spend more time with Laura.
OoOoO
More soon! Review if you want me to type faster...
